I'm having an affair

[Rgy3250999]

Well I don't quite know where to start.

I've been with my DH for well over a decade, since we were teens and we have a young family together. We used to fight and fall out a lot when we first started dating, probably because we weren't overly compatible and he didn't show me a lot of affection. I have issues in the past which I accept have probably made me quite needy, although he really wasn't affectionate a lot. We both had family issues and I suppose that pushed us together even more as our relationship was like a form of escapism.

Fast forewarn a number of years and we had a family together. The arguments calmed down but we still weren't affectionate and sex was very rare and not great (little effort from him mostly).

I have had depression (undiagnosed so presumed) and haven't been the easiest person to live with at times. I've struggled to hold down a job due to social anxiety and his lack of affection meant that I used to question him a lot after nights out and ask about work colleagues etc. I know this was wrong and I understand this has probably pushed him away. He used to look at porn but then stopped because I felt quite jealous so now when I talk about his low libido, he's quick to remind me that he was more normal until I interfered.

Anyway, we have tried to make it work and plodded on. Deep down we do get on but there is a lot of resentment on both sides and when we have tried to make an effort, it feels forced and fake. It never lasts and we go back to our usual routine of being like friends with little interest in each other and not much affection or physical contact. We don't argue much now as I think we're both past that stage and we do get on ok, but it's not fulfilling.

So, I was feeling lonely and stupidly set up a profile on an online dating site with a fake picture. Not to get dates or anything, but to have conversation with other men and remember what it felt like to be young and have that excitement. I intended to stop and delete the profile but it became addictive and I probably withdrew further from my marriage.

After a few weeks, I exchanged numbers with one man and we talked a few times (he still didn't know what I looked lIke) and it led to phone sex late one evening whilst my DH was in bed. However, he wondered where I was and came looking for me very quietly and caught me. I felt terrible and he shouted and got upset. I explained what I had done and why and told him that these men hadn't got a picture of me and I hadn't met anyone. He eventually agreed to forgive me and we both said we'd try to get the spark back. I cut off contact with that other man and deleted my profile.

Then a few months later, my husband was poorly and I was trying to look after him and the kids. He spent over a week in bed sleeping and I was lonely. The sex and affection that had been promised hadn't been overly forthcoming even before he was poorly and I was now so tempted to create a new profile that one evening I signed up to the site again. I chatted to various men briefly and eventually one man came along that seemed really nice. He wasn't amazingly good looking but we clicked and he made me laugh. We exchanged numbers and talked a few times on the phone, plus sent hundreds of messages and I felt addicted to the attention and having so much fun. I knew I should stop but I couldn't.

After a few weeks of talking, he suggested we meet and that's when I thought it would end. I was just going to ignore him or block him as i knew it was over anyway but because he had been so lovely and I'd basically tricked him, I opened up about my home life and told him the truth. To my amazement, he didn't block me. He said he was sad as he had felt such a connection and hadn't gelled with anyone that well, even when we talked on the phone. I agreed as it was effortless and so natural. I was that taken aback by him not blocking me that I agreed to meet him. I didn't think I was capable of it really as I'm very shy normally and have social anxiety issues. I also knew it would be wrong and the voice in my head said it'd be ok because I would stop myself. I've always told DH that I'd never meet anyone else and believed that to be true as it had only ever been talking and I did/do love DH and my family.

That day I was so nervous but I met him. It was like I had forgotten everyone else (selfishly) and pretended to be an actress or someone else so I wasn't doing anything wrong. We had a long walk together in the sunshine and although I was nervous, we laughed a lot and it was really nice. We had a few kisses and cuddles and although it felt a bit awkward as deep down I knew it was wrong, I didn't want to stop. Still I told myself that this would be it and I'd end it. I had proved to myself that I could still date and be found attractive and I thought that was all I wanted.

He messaged a lot after that meeting though and I couldn't stop the contact. My DH didn't suspect anything and although he's a nice man really and a good father, home was boring and the messaging was exciting and actually felt far more loving than what I had at home.

Fast forward another week and this online man asked me for another date. This time to the cinema. Again, I didn't think I'd turn up but I did and thinks felt amazing. It was like we were a proper couple. We were further away from my home so I could relax and not worry about being caught. We held hands and cuddled a lot and then it turned really quite passionate with the kissing. I could feel he was erect whilst we kissed and I knew he wanted me. He said he hadn't felt anything that electric and passionate before and that he thought he was falling for me. Part of me felt terrible but then another part knew he meant it and I felt truly loved. He really looked after me and kept looking at me when he thought I wasn't looking and stroked/kissed my hands so gently.

After the film, he asked if I'd like to see his new home as he had just moved a few days before and said I could visit him (or not, no pressure) at any time and he would love to see me. I agreed to go to his place and followed him back in the car.

I knew we would kiss and I was actually a bit scared of how I felt and what I'd allow myself to do but still I didn't turn around. We got inside and kissed a lot. We laid on his bed cuddling and he made me feel amazing. The kissing was so passionate and we were both massively turned on. Although I didn't allow him to touch my naked body, he groped me a lot and I ended up giving him a hand job. Afterwards, it still felt amazing. We laughed, we talked, we cuddled. He got another erection and it felt good that someone wanted me so much.

So that was yesterday and now I'm wondering, what next. If we meet again next week, I'm sure he will touch me at the very least and I'm fairly sure we will end up having sex. This is already an affair but having sex would really seem like a proper affair to me, especially as me and DH were both virgins when we met and haven't been with anyone else. My head is a mess and I don't know what to do. I can't believe what I've already done and either my DH or this other man is going to get hurt which I didn't want.

You don't know this man. He seems lovely and perhaps he is, but you don't know him yet.

You feel unloved and unappreciated by your DH. Perhaps you feel your marriage cannot be recovered. If that's the case, for your DCs' sakes, talk to your DH now about how you feel - even if that means ending your marriage. DO NOT TELL HIM YOU HAVE MET SOMEONE ELSE. But DO tell the other guy you owe your husband and children the time to work through your issues - and that that may or may not mean ending your marriage.

Don't continue seeing the new man. The heartache and pain that will come from that when your DH finds out (and he will) will damage your DC for years to come - unless your DH is some kind of superman who can truly put his feelings aside for the benefit of his DC.

Just be a bit of a grown up here. You are still young and if you want to date and have exciting sex, there will be plenty of offers on Tinder or wherever once you're actually free to take them up. Don't put your DC and DH through the inevitable consequences of an affair.

There is nothing wrong with you wanting affection, live tenderness, it's just going to be so much harder for everyone if you look for all this, before wrapping up the relationship you're in. Sort that first and then move on

soupdragon - I've been cheated on and never cheated myself. I know the pain of being on the receiving end, and how selfish it is. However, since supporting a couple of very close friends in the aftermath of two separtae catastrophic and stupid decisions to have an affair, I no longer see it in a simple, black-and-white way. Both had affairs because they had psychological issues that ran really deep. I think it's possible to acknowledge that while still saying "But I think this is a really, really wrong course of action - for you, and for everyone else".

I also think that, in purely pragmatic terms of effectiveness, condemnation and aggression are rarely a good way of getting your point of view across.

Reall OP. Just stop. I won't help you in anyway; it will destroy your mental health, it will devastate your husband.

Work on your cv. Work towards leaving your relationship if it makes you so unhappy. Have a plan. Dont walk so blindly in to something that could destroy you.

I had similar marriage issues, similar mental health issues and did broadly the same thing but with someone I already knew.

It ended with involvement from the mental health team and social services. I don't have my children 40% of the time and I feel sick with guilt every time I'm in the same room as my ex. I'm unemployed and lack qualifications. I did everything wrong and I will always feel awful about it.

Just stop. Now.

It won't help* sorry...

How sad, for your poor DH. Leave him. You don’t deserve him.

When you’re unhappy in a relationship you get help, talk, try to sort things. You don’t drop your knickers for some bloke you barely know (assuming this isn’t made up - it’s ridiculous enough to be).

You've already set up the shagathon next week.

Who do you think you are kidding ?

I was lonely and unhappy when I was married to my ex.

And yet I never accidentally set up a dating profile or gave a bear stranger off the internet a hand job.

I left.

Getting divorced and standing on your own two feet is a lot better for your self esteem than living off a man you despise and fucking men who willingly pursue married women.

You need to start taking some responsibility for your life and your choices. You sound like your excuse is being buffetted by events you have no control over. When actually I think choosing to have an affair, and you’ve made a series of choices to get to this point, shows you’re capable of initiative and some full blown deceipt.

I’m sure there are lots of jobs you could do.

Btw where were your husband and children when you were off walking in the sunshine, going to the cinema and visiting the new guy’s house?

Yes you do - because you are having phone sex whilst he is asleep and off giving a hand job etc

Maybe if you valued him more and treated him with love, affection and respect - you might get some back. Or end it.

At best you sound like a teenager, willing to blame everyone for your actions except of course yourself.

You have a husband! You have a child! You have a marriage! Sort these out first before you get involved with anyone.

Tell your husband it’s over and you are off with someone else but don’t have so little respect for another human to do this.

It is very hard to live with someone who suffers with anxiety and depression, and frustrating if they won't even seek help for it.

Yet your dh has stuck by you through all of that, put up with your paranoia after he's had a night out, forgiven you sexting another man while he slept, financially provided for you when you found work too difficult to endure, even stopped watching porn at your request.

Bloody hell op, he deserves better than this and nothing excuses the way you are treating him. You are only with him, treating him like this, because you can't afford to be financially independent? It's outrageous. Your marriage is dead, and you need to have that difficult conversation with your dh because anything else is morally reprehensible.

This reads like a particularly shit novel.

I’m putting £1 on a thread deletion by 8pm

What is the question?

You have given us the circumstances, but you have also basically said you wont leave. All that's left is for some people to tell you how awful you are, and for some others to tell them to stop it.

What was the purpose of your post? Do you want practical advice on how to leave? Do you want to know how to tell your DH? There are a hundred other things you might have been hoping for. Ask, and I am sure someone can at least try to help.

Honestly it’s your life and if you think that you can handle it, and not get caught, then continue...... while your planning to move out in the long run. Make sure you delete all the messages in your phone etc and only speak on the phone to OM if your h is not home. I can’t imagine being with the same man since I was a teenager wtf. Good luck

OP.....you say no-one cares about you....but you need to care about yourself for this to happen.
I strongly recommend you see your gp & get a referral to Talking Therapy....some counselling ...maybe CBT....will help raise your self esteem & help you have a better life.
Please be careful with the new man...you barely know him. He might be wonderful...but he might not....the way you feel right now anyone giving you attention will seem wonderful. Ask him to postpone things until you sort stuff out with your husband.. . If he really is wonderful & falling in love with you he may well wait.
It does sound as if your marriage is over...I know it's easier said than done...but it probably will be best to split. Then both you & your husband will be free to have a new life and find happiness....either with new partners or alone.
Being alone is scarey at times but it is also empowering when you realise how strong you are.
I left my first dh when I was 24, we had 3 young children.. ..he had become a violent alcoholic. I was a single parent for many years. 15 years later I married again. After 11 years he left me for another woman. I was a single parent again. Life hasn't been easy but I put my kids first....and that has meant me seeking help from my gp and having counselling.
I urge you to do the same...learn to love yourself. You will feel so much better and you will be setting your children a good example.

Why did you marry your husband then if it was so shit before?

A bad childhood is not a reason or excuse for being a cheat.

Your husband may be heart broken. Your children not understand why they don't see mummy and daddy every day , why you don't all live together.

Ffs when you shag this man, use a condom.

Why do women assume that a man is a solution to their shitty marriages.

Personally if life is that bad for you sort yourself out, get a job and end your marriage you are using your husband as an emotional crutch and blaming him for everything that is wrong. For all you know he might feel the same.

There are a lot of us who have not had a good childhood but here are also hose of us who use it to ensure we make up for hat shit childhood. Stop turning yourself into a victim because he only person doing that is you not anybody else or your past.

You have my sympathy OP. I think you are needy and vulnerable. And you know what acknowledging that is healthy and ok. I had a shitty childhood too, so I know what its like to feel empty and desperate when you feel unloved. When my DP is unaffectionate for a prolonged amount of time it is really difficult to handle emotionally and can drive me crazy. I know this is because of my past issues. And EVERYONE has issues that manifest in some way just some more negatively than others.

Several thoughts: 1. I think you should make an appointment with your GP as soon as possible and discuss your negative thoughts, history of anxiety and try and get some therapy to help work things out. You need this what ever happens. And it should be long term.

1. It doesn't sound to me like you want to actively leave your husband, rather that you love him but wish he could be different. You panic when he doesn't give you affection/sexual intimacy. I have found it helpful during those times to focus on other things my DH does, even small things. Like getting the shopping, going to work, making dinner, running me a bath/making cup of tea etc etc. You get the gist. This helps push away those 'not loved' feelings which can turn to resentment, and shut down 'crazy mind'. Also get a hobby you can do at home and get on with.

1. The present situation. Be honest with yourself. If you meet the other man again you will end up having sex. It will be temporarily great, but lead to great personal anguish in the long term, as you'll find it very hard to give him up. If thinking of your emotionally neglectful husband and energy sapping kids is not a big enough incentive (and it probably won't be) think of yourself. You could end up in a awful situation, children (surely you want them to have the security you did not?) and everyone blaming you. Or living a double life in the long term, with double demands. If you suffer with anxiety it will eventually break you. Delete this mans number and block him. Work on your relationship with the man you have. There must be at least 1 thing which you can connect on. Practice being kind no matter how much you 'get back'. Build bridges. Think of your marriage first and yourself last.

I hope things work out for you.

Very unusual style of writing. Reads like someone has put huge effort into creating something from a short story class. Lots of "and then reader he .... and I .... then we ....".

I am aghast at people suggesting OP try to fix things with her husband etc as if she has no moral responsibility to tell him what she has done! I feel so sorry for him, honestly. I can't see this situation as anything other than someone who has supported her through purported anxiety (which vanished enough for her to do all of this shit to him), when she hasn't worked for some time and forgave her for phone sex AND THEN he gets ill and is sick in bed and she sees this as a chance to fuck someone else? I really can't believe it. Obviously OP your husband is being used by you something wicked, and you need to split up with him and get a job/sort yourself out.

I don't know how some posters can condemn others for not having sympathy. Nothing in OP's initial post suggested any shame and the subsequent contrition sounds completely contrived! The entire writing style is vulgar and braggy and I can't even be sure it's legit.

Christ, there's some shitty selfish people about.

Social anxiety doesn't include a nob run to determine a guy you barely know has got a stiffie eh OP? 😂😂

*rub

nob rub 🤣