Well I don't quite know where to start.
I've been with my DH for well over a decade, since we were teens and we have a young family together. We used to fight and fall out a lot when we first started dating, probably because we weren't overly compatible and he didn't show me a lot of affection. I have issues in the past which I accept have probably made me quite needy, although he really wasn't affectionate a lot. We both had family issues and I suppose that pushed us together even more as our relationship was like a form of escapism.
Fast forewarn a number of years and we had a family together. The arguments calmed down but we still weren't affectionate and sex was very rare and not great (little effort from him mostly).
I have had depression (undiagnosed so presumed) and haven't been the easiest person to live with at times. I've struggled to hold down a job due to social anxiety and his lack of affection meant that I used to question him a lot after nights out and ask about work colleagues etc. I know this was wrong and I understand this has probably pushed him away. He used to look at porn but then stopped because I felt quite jealous so now when I talk about his low libido, he's quick to remind me that he was more normal until I interfered.
Anyway, we have tried to make it work and plodded on. Deep down we do get on but there is a lot of resentment on both sides and when we have tried to make an effort, it feels forced and fake. It never lasts and we go back to our usual routine of being like friends with little interest in each other and not much affection or physical contact. We don't argue much now as I think we're both past that stage and we do get on ok, but it's not fulfilling.
So, I was feeling lonely and stupidly set up a profile on an online dating site with a fake picture. Not to get dates or anything, but to have conversation with other men and remember what it felt like to be young and have that excitement. I intended to stop and delete the profile but it became addictive and I probably withdrew further from my marriage.
After a few weeks, I exchanged numbers with one man and we talked a few times (he still didn't know what I looked lIke) and it led to phone sex late one evening whilst my DH was in bed. However, he wondered where I was and came looking for me very quietly and caught me. I felt terrible and he shouted and got upset. I explained what I had done and why and told him that these men hadn't got a picture of me and I hadn't met anyone. He eventually agreed to forgive me and we both said we'd try to get the spark back. I cut off contact with that other man and deleted my profile.
Then a few months later, my husband was poorly and I was trying to look after him and the kids. He spent over a week in bed sleeping and I was lonely. The sex and affection that had been promised hadn't been overly forthcoming even before he was poorly and I was now so tempted to create a new profile that one evening I signed up to the site again. I chatted to various men briefly and eventually one man came along that seemed really nice. He wasn't amazingly good looking but we clicked and he made me laugh. We exchanged numbers and talked a few times on the phone, plus sent hundreds of messages and I felt addicted to the attention and having so much fun. I knew I should stop but I couldn't.
After a few weeks of talking, he suggested we meet and that's when I thought it would end. I was just going to ignore him or block him as i knew it was over anyway but because he had been so lovely and I'd basically tricked him, I opened up about my home life and told him the truth. To my amazement, he didn't block me. He said he was sad as he had felt such a connection and hadn't gelled with anyone that well, even when we talked on the phone. I agreed as it was effortless and so natural. I was that taken aback by him not blocking me that I agreed to meet him. I didn't think I was capable of it really as I'm very shy normally and have social anxiety issues. I also knew it would be wrong and the voice in my head said it'd be ok because I would stop myself. I've always told DH that I'd never meet anyone else and believed that to be true as it had only ever been talking and I did/do love DH and my family.
That day I was so nervous but I met him. It was like I had forgotten everyone else (selfishly) and pretended to be an actress or someone else so I wasn't doing anything wrong. We had a long walk together in the sunshine and although I was nervous, we laughed a lot and it was really nice. We had a few kisses and cuddles and although it felt a bit awkward as deep down I knew it was wrong, I didn't want to stop. Still I told myself that this would be it and I'd end it. I had proved to myself that I could still date and be found attractive and I thought that was all I wanted.
He messaged a lot after that meeting though and I couldn't stop the contact. My DH didn't suspect anything and although he's a nice man really and a good father, home was boring and the messaging was exciting and actually felt far more loving than what I had at home.
Fast forward another week and this online man asked me for another date. This time to the cinema. Again, I didn't think I'd turn up but I did and thinks felt amazing. It was like we were a proper couple. We were further away from my home so I could relax and not worry about being caught. We held hands and cuddled a lot and then it turned really quite passionate with the kissing. I could feel he was erect whilst we kissed and I knew he wanted me. He said he hadn't felt anything that electric and passionate before and that he thought he was falling for me. Part of me felt terrible but then another part knew he meant it and I felt truly loved. He really looked after me and kept looking at me when he thought I wasn't looking and stroked/kissed my hands so gently.
After the film, he asked if I'd like to see his new home as he had just moved a few days before and said I could visit him (or not, no pressure) at any time and he would love to see me. I agreed to go to his place and followed him back in the car.
I knew we would kiss and I was actually a bit scared of how I felt and what I'd allow myself to do but still I didn't turn around. We got inside and kissed a lot. We laid on his bed cuddling and he made me feel amazing. The kissing was so passionate and we were both massively turned on. Although I didn't allow him to touch my naked body, he groped me a lot and I ended up giving him a hand job. Afterwards, it still felt amazing. We laughed, we talked, we cuddled. He got another erection and it felt good that someone wanted me so much.
So that was yesterday and now I'm wondering, what next. If we meet again next week, I'm sure he will touch me at the very least and I'm fairly sure we will end up having sex. This is already an affair but having sex would really seem like a proper affair to me, especially as me and DH were both virgins when we met and haven't been with anyone else. My head is a mess and I don't know what to do. I can't believe what I've already done and either my DH or this other man is going to get hurt which I didn't want.