How do abusive men become abusive?

[VladmirsPoutine]

I've been on MN for a very long time and read some horrendous things that gave me rage about men abusing their partners or spouses. I know that people only post when there's a problem because what's there to reply to a thread basically saying "My husband is amazing, how is everyone!?"

But I wonder, where does it all go wrong? What happens to make seemingly reasonable and respectable men change personality practically over night and lash out at their partners?

A lot of women on here are reasonable and raising sons so where does it go wrong? Life experiences? Social conditioning? This is somewhat of a TAAT. but it's just brought the point home for me again. Women putting up with the most horrendous bastards till the last straw but what made them become that way. No-one is born evil or abusive so where do these abusive men come from.

There are plenty of vile, abusive women too but we hear little about them as this site is so women heavy.

Some people are just toxic. It is what it is.

You don't have to have had abusive parents to become an abuser. Dysfunctional parents come in many forms, but regardless, it'll be down to parenting, either by commission or omission.

Ex was abusive, although not physically in general. His mum was fixated on everything being nice and perfect, even a pencil had a proper home and woe betide it being out of alignment. Neither she or his dad ever talked about the merest hint of emotional stuff, everything was about practical, material things. He got away with not helping round the house, his sisters helped their mum in everything.

So, ex grew up thinking others had to do housework (as an example, there was other stuff) and didn't do it himself, unless he was trying to Make A Point about something, or expecting a medal.

So yeah, the environment that abusers grow up in is a major part of it, I feel.

There are more men abusers than women because there's all that macho shit, male pride patriarchal stuff that many men are open to. They give each other stick about all kinds of that stuff, and it can be hard on the insecure type who don't match up. Upbringing is deffo a factor.
Obviously not all of them fall for this but unless he is an original thinker and works things out (ie, do not abuse) he may well turn into an abuser as well, especially if women don't fit into his ideas

I think many get ‘groundhog day’ disease, they find monotony hard to cope with and it comes out in lousy ways

With my ex, he had a difficult childhood and I think the signs were always there, but hidden and balanced by good traits. He then got depressed and into a sort of spiral that he just didn't have the emotional strength to pull out of. His abusiveness outweighed the good points and got worse and worse.

He changed and I eventually came to the conclusion that the old DH was never coming back. He wasn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination but he had previously managed to keep it all in balance.

My therapist reckons he needs extensive therapy that's just not available on the NHS.

I think a lot of it is a bad childhood. Many of these men have experienced horrific things at the hands of their parents. They didn't get the help they needed and so they turned into the abusive men you see today. It's sad and I can't help but feel sorry for the childhood they never had. Of course I absolutely feel terrible for the victims of the abusers. They don't deserve to be treated the way they are and the abusers deserve to be punished, but they also should be given psychological help.
It's the same for many murderers too. You hear some of their stories from their past and it's horrendous. Again, I am not saying for a moment what they do is excusable for that- they should be locked up, but they should get some form of therapy.

With my ex there are a number of factors. A lot to do with his childhood, abusive parents and rejected many times. He likely didn't feel all that safe as a child so now has to be in control. I believe that he never learned appropriate ways to communicate his emotions as a child due to dysfunction in his family. I hope beyond anything I can break this cycle with my DS.

He also works in an industry where his sort of personality thrives. His unacceptable behaviour is tolerated at work as he is ruthless and gets the job done.

I was also to ashamed to talk about his behaviour for many years, so in that way I allowed it to continue until I was able to speak up. If I had walked away the first time he hurt me then he would not have abused me for 6 years.

Whatever the reason, they behave badly because it fills a need in them and they’ve been able to get away with it.

I think it can often be to do with their upbringing.

That doesn't always mean that they had a terrible or abusive childhood, but that they were parented poorly. My exH was the youngest of 3 and was spoilt more than the other 2. His mum wasn't great at disciplining them, she did everything for all of the men and I also think she gave them too much free will as teens instead of guidance and rules.

As a result, of the 3 siblings;
2 have been in prison
1 had a baby at 14
None have held down jobs (all currently unemployed)
1 has never had a job
1 (at least) is a narcissist
And my exH was extremely mentally abusive, he also assaulted me once.

My partner has a vicious temper his mum blamed herself and says she spoilt him. He assaulted me 5 years ago in a fit of rage, strangled me and threw me on the floor. His main concern was not for me but the fact he was going to end up in a cell. He has never done anything like it since although I do feel nervous if he’s angry even if it’s not aimed at me.

Some of the language here is interesting in that some of onus is being put on the mothers. What about the fathers’ influence?

My stbxp is verbally abusive when I criticise him in any way. Especially his Disney dad approach to parenting. His df left when he was 10 and he’s not seen or heard from him since. His dm struggled and had a temper. He didn’t have a good childhood and is now emotionally void. I can see his dd ending up the same way.

It's in their nature.People like to make excuses for them but bad devious people can appear amongst caring brothers and sisters -so it can hardly be the parents fault.

With my exh I'd say it was a mixture of learnt behaviour and frustration at his issues as a child. In laws marriage was firmly stuck in the 1950's. The man is the King. The woman is the lesser being. Everything in life should be made easier for the man and they can do and say as they please. There was always an excuse for unacceptable behaviour and the woman was always to blame in some way shape or form. Exmil would make excuse after excuse for exh. She told me once I was out of order because I didn't have sex enough with ex. Yeah because being threatened and called every name under the sun is a massive aphrodisiac - said nobody ever.
He also had communication problems as a child so that led to him being angry and frustrated. The angry outbursts always got him his own way so I think it just continued from there.
Glad I'm out of it.

My first husband had a hard childhood but it wasn’t just that, it seemed like it was inbuilt. He knew he was abusive and he enjoyed being so. The look on his face when he had mentally or physically hurt me was one of satisfaction.

Not a husband but a boss. It seemed to be completely unchecked entitlement, alongside out of control anxiety and neuroticism that toxic masculinity had informed them it was ok to attempt to cover up with aggression.

I think of of it comes from the relationships they see as children.
That's why I'm so strongly opinionated on here when women post how they don't know how to leave and are bringing up children (especially sons) amist these types of relationships. I get it's hard but I can't help thinking you're raising a potential abuser who will have 0 respect for women.
My emotionally, mentally and eventually physically abusive alcoholic ex had a troubled childhood.
Mum who struggled with her temper. Dad who left at a young age (did maintain consistent contact though) shouty step father who had a volatile relationship with mum. Resideng step siblungs who had their own troubles.
I'm sure his need for control came from his lack of ability to control anything as a child.
His poor treatment of women came from his 'my mum ruined my childhood' attitude, no woman was worthy of respect.
His manipulation and emotionally abusive ways were because he learned very early that he could play on his parents guilt about how things had turned out to get what he wanted.
He was always waiting for people to leave him and he used that insecurity as power.
He had a deep seated urge to be the hero, the nice guy and would swing from arsehole to being Mr amazing in a blink of an eye.
I also don't think he was ever taught how to control/communicate his emotions as when he kicked off he was like a petulant child. He literally did everything possible other than stamp his foot. Eventually he'd get so frustrated that you wasn't doing what he wanted that he would lash out. Think a 2 year old throwing a tantrum because you won't give them sweets.

Upbringing, without a shadow of a doubt. Doesn't even have to be an abusive upbringing.

My husband maintains that he is perfect and had an ideal upbringing. I have thought for such a long time that there was something missing. He is an abusive twat in every way. It has taken me a long, long time to recognise how awful he is. MNers were telling me years and years ago. It is hard to accept.

I think there is something wrong with his brain.

I think we live in a society that generally puts men before woman. This has been going on for years and years and is completely ingrained in society. Eg uneven pay between the sexs, meany more men in better paid positions, etc etc, woman pick up the itty bitty bits of society and are expected to look after their men!
We are generally seen as second class to men, the lesser sex. I think everything else is built on that.
Im in the middle of a nasty divorce with my emotionally and financially abusive husband, he is a total nightmare, but he just doesn't get it, he thinks hes done nothing wrong. In actual fact he thinks the reason i received legal aid is purely because im a woman not because of his behaviour!! There is certainly a strong family history of abuse with in the family. We have a 4 and a 5 year old and im terrified that my son will grow up to be abusive. The ex also has a problem with woman so will he consider our daughter a less of a person??!!

Was it perfect though tiger because my DH maintains his was perfect, but there are big dysfunctions within his family (they're nice people though as he is) but they all have issues!!

I had an abusive ex partner. His parents came to pick me up from hospital when he'd assaulted me (pregnant) as I didn't want to worry my parents. He was in police custody. I'll never forget his mother trying to talk me into dropping charges, and telling me "hilarious" tales of rows between her and his dad that had turned into fistfights.. "I broke his nose that time..." etc. I realised there that was why he was how he was.

I can blame the fathers for the 2 abusive men I know. One is my own father and one is my ex. Both had mentally unstable unpleasant fathers, actual diagnosed but untreated or unstable mental health problems (not willing to seek appropriate help) and this has left them both angry, angry men. Both my father and ex have only had daughters which has not helped because they do not respect women as a sex but it is hard to tell if a son would have made them more abusive (replaying childhood memories) or less.

The Lundy Bancroft book says it’s the influence of key male role models, peers and cultural attitudes. Sounds about right to me. Also, I don’t think people change overnight. I think it’s more a case that they often reveal themselves once they feel safe/entitled enough to do so.

Entitlement has a lot to do with it, because men are more brought up to believe (even in subtle, unintentional ways) that they are owed 'looking after', that they are owed sex, that they are owed someone putting their needs first, and for women it's often the opposite.

I think a lot of abusers have a trigger about feeling 'belittled',which they perceive to happen when they're not obeyed or because someone is asking them to just listen to them or is presenting them with an opinion they don't like, and the whole toxic masculinity thing gets us there.