How do abusive men become abusive?

[VladmirsPoutine]

I've been on MN for a very long time and read some horrendous things that gave me rage about men abusing their partners or spouses. I know that people only post when there's a problem because what's there to reply to a thread basically saying "My husband is amazing, how is everyone!?"

But I wonder, where does it all go wrong? What happens to make seemingly reasonable and respectable men change personality practically over night and lash out at their partners?

A lot of women on here are reasonable and raising sons so where does it go wrong? Life experiences? Social conditioning? This is somewhat of a TAAT. but it's just brought the point home for me again. Women putting up with the most horrendous bastards till the last straw but what made them become that way. No-one is born evil or abusive so where do these abusive men come from.

"But a son growing up with seeing a man being a mini god in the home, will internalize that very strongly and genuinely believe it to be right."

Interesting. I wonder if there's also an element of it feeling like their turn to be put first, when they enter an adult relationship, because their childhood was spent putting their father first.

That's something I've struggled with a lot, but one of the differences between me and people from backgrounds like mine who become abusive adults is that I've never tried to force it.

Another is that I understand - if only intellectually - that it is possible for me to be a perpetrator, not just a victim.

When I think about all the people who've abused me - female and male - who were themselves previously abused, and how they're different to me, this is what stands out:

All of them were totally convinced that they couldn't ever be anything but the victim in any situation.

It's very weird. Because I totally understand feeling that you can only be the victim, because that sense of powerlessness has got in too deep and stayed with you. What I don't get is not recognising it cognitively, even if you can't emotionally.

I can't really feel my own capacity for mistreating people, so, starting from quite an early age, I've just taken a different route to recognising it, by thinking it instead.

People who don't find some way of recognising that they have the power and ability to hurt people who don't deserve it are choosing to mess their own lives up, really, I think, in addition to those of their victims.