He’s just not that into me, is he?

[CandiedPeach]

Went on a date with a guy last week, we got on really well seemed to have a connection and enjoyed a rather nice kiss at the end of the night.

Anyway the few days afterwards quite a bit of messaging (mostly started from him) then he said he was really busy over the weekend and that he’d message Monday or Tuesday and would I like to do something next weekend (so this weekend coming).
Then nothing.......

Really not looking for anything serious but still my egos a bit dented as I thought he was quite into me and I was quite looking forward to seeing him again.

I just can’t read this guy GreyGardens. I think that’s down to me though, I’m not sure I trust my judgement to be honest.
And I think I find him a bit too attractive (he’s really gorgeous) so when I’m actually with him I’m a bit 😍😋 and it makes it harder to think straight 😂

Why do you feel uncomfortable dating others? It's a brilliant idea.

Instead of sitting there twisting your mind this way and that over this bloke you could be out on dates with other guys. You wouldn't have time then to obsess over this one, you'd be as cool as a cucumber.

Which in turn would make you even more attractive! Anyway, you might meet someone you like better.

If you feel uncomfortable dating other guys, please remember that they are all dating other women.

I don’t really have the time to date one person, let alone more than one northenlights.
And if I like someone enough to want to get to know them, I think it’s worth just getting to know them and not multiple other people.

Also I really don’t like the idea of sex if we’re not exclusive, beyond the first few times anyway. But it’s a conversation I have pretty quickly.

I’m definitely cool though even as cool as a cucumber........outwardly at least!

I think keep meeting him since you've got the chemistry there, but keep him at arm's length emotionally, iyswim.

Fwiw, I don't think your judgement's awry, it's just that in the early days you can't tell what someone is really like. That's quite daunting, but unfortunately a necessary stage to get through!

Thanks Charlotte I’ve agreed to meet him for lunch this week, so will see how that goes. My friends were round last night and we were chatting about him and I’m feeling a lot more relaxed about it now.

I never said anything about sleeping with different people, Candied, just dating them! Of course you don't want to be jumping into bed with different men. I'm not making a moral judgment here as people are obviously entitled to do as they like. It's just common sense - jumping in to bed means greater emotional attachment. For women. Not men.

Good luck with this guy anyway but I suspect you may be entering headf*ck territory.

Please understand that I'm not trying to be harsh. I'm in my 50s and have dated lots of men and had a lot of relationships, and looking back, whenever I met a guy like the one you've described here, it never turned out well. The best boyfriends were decisive and interested from the off and I was never sitting around wondering what was going on because they called when they said they would and made dates, which they kept.

When he tells you he's busy, I would not assume that he is not seeing other women. He may be. Just because you don't want to see others doesn't mean he feels the same way.

Keep us posted anyway, Candied - I genuinely hope that he'll prove me wrong.

Thanks northenlights. I’m really not sure on him myself but since the last date he’s kept in pretty regular contact, so maybe it was just how busy he was. We’re meeting for lunch tomorrow and he’s coming to me, even though I’ve only got a hour free, max!

I think I’ll just proceed with caution and speak to him about what he’s expecting before we dtd. That’s my plan for now anyway.

Sounds like a plan, Candied. I hope lunch goes well. Come back and tell us how your date went

It was lovely northenlights. He’s asked if I want to go out Friday night with him and a few friends. I’m not sure, I do know some of the friends but not well and not quite sure how that works if your dating and not officially going out . My friend says it’s a good sign though as he wants his friends to meet me and see us together.

Anyway, not sure if I can get a babysitter so said I’ll have to let him know. If not he said he can do any day the weekebd after and dd’s Dad is back then so she’ll be with him.

Sounds much more like what you wanted. Hope it continues.

I’m just taking it one date at a time and trying to enjoy it for what it is. He’s been lovely though and does seem to be doing his best to fit around me. It’s tricky business dating with young dc!

I do have a babysitter for Friday. So just need to decide if I want to go out with him and his friends now or not.

Way to go, Candied - I'm really pleased it went so well. Good luck and enjoy - who knows where this could lead?

Thanks northenlights just trying to decide if I want to do Friday night or not! I’m thinking I could stay at his or him mine but feel a bit forward suggesting that, don’t know why though I’m sure he’s hoping I do.

Hi Candied.... well, I'm all for a bit of mystery. If you tell him up front that you're thinking of a staying-over scenario he'll already know sex is on the menu.

I hate pandering to the sexual double standard and I had sex on the first night scenarios in my youth BUT.... IME all but only the most liberal men tend to categorise women according to how soon we sleep with them. And most blokes your age (but not all) can't resist bragging to their mates if they "score". Would you be okay with that?

About 13 years ago I was dating a guy who I'd made wait for a few weeks before DTD. Once we were a couple, he told me that if I'd DTD too soon he'd have been "off like a shot". Unfortunately, that's how many of them think.

But hey, you gotta do what's right for you

Ha! northenlights. It will be our 4th date! Plus we’ve known each other a while too. I imagine his friends probably think we already have.

The staying over is practical too, as I’m about 30/40 mind drive away from his and where we’d be going out. But I could just suggest he comes back to mine on the night and at least then we could split the taxi fare (DD’s can stay out at her nans).

I’m unsure on being out with his friends though, I just don’t know. It feels more relationship like and I’m not sure what he’s said if anything to them.

I think I’ll see if he wants to FaceTime tonight when DD’s in bed and I’ll just ask him.

Oh and I’m looking forward to the sex northenlights. It’s been a while and did I mention that he’s really good looking .

He’s not been sleazy at all, but after our date yesterday our messages have had a more sexual tone. Like I say nothing full on, but our flirting has stepped up.

I think you want him to desire you and make it clear to you that he does, CandiedPeach. He hasn't actually done that and that's why you're swaying in the wind. He's the best option on the table but isn't giving you the assurance you crave and expect. You want him to want you - and for you to have the option to say, "Not tonight", but he's keeping his distance.

That's my take on it anyway. You can either set up some more dates with other people - or tell him that this isn't working for you - or carry on as you are, swaying in the wind. None of them are bad. :)

I wasn’t sure LyingWitch although I’d definitely felt he did at first, I was wondering when he seemed to vanish if he wasn’t really interested.
But since I’ve definitely felt he wants me in that way. I actually think he’s being trying to not seem too eager.

To be honest I'd be inclined to give him a chance. He has had one week where he hasn't messaged or been in contact much and his explanation sounds fine to me as you said he looked exhausted and he flagged half way through the date! Maybe play it by ear and give him a chance.

It's not what he's doing/saying (as reported by you), it's your reactions to his hot/cold thing. When he's more distant you say that you'll see what else is out there but as soon as he shows interest again, you're all up for it instantly.

I might be a bit cynical but to me it sounds like a 'push me/pull you' thing and you deserve somebody who doesn't do that. I think you sense it too which is why you want him to show you upfront and clearly that he wants and desires you, makes you feel special and hithero he hasn't done that.

It's not a deal-breaker though if you don't want it to be. If I were in your position though, I would do no more than echo his behaviour on this next date and even dial my own back a notch - he needs to show you what you can expect from future dates. I don't think any less than that will do for you because you sound a switched-on lady, hence posting here to canvas views.

I hope your date is everything you want it to be and that he really does make you feel special... otherwise what's the point?

I get what you mean LyingWitch and I’m not getting my hopes up.
But, we spoke yesterday and I mentioned I had a sitter for Friday, but that I wasn’t sure about a night out with his friends, just yet. He did say he’s told them he’s seeing me, but he understands if it’s a bit soon to be meeting them in a large group like that.
But that he’d really like to see me and could we do something just the two of us instead. So we’re going to the cinema, he’s driving so he said he’ll come pick me up. At least this way, I can decide on the night if I want to invite him back to mine or not. Plus I’d rather stay at mine than his if we end up dtd.

Although some how I’ve been talked into going to watch avengers!

Did you want to go and watch Avengers, Candied or are you saying that you let him choose and
a) genuinely don't care what you watch but are saying you've been 'talked into it', or
b) you'd rather have seen something else but don't want to highlight that to him in case it reveals 'incompatibility', or
c) you are really looking forward to seeing Avengers but are saying you've been 'talked into it' for effect?

I'm probably reading you all wrong because to me you're lurching between mad keen/ambivalent/utterly passive/thrilled to death at having a date... and you don't want posters to rain on your parade so you're presenting the facts 'just so'.

Apologies in advance but, you're an enigma to me and even though I wouldn't do what you are, you could be absolutely spot on correct. What do I know?

I still think you’re lying to yourself OP

You quite clearly think of him as more than casual. You could bet your life if he left you right now for somebody else you’d be gutted. You’d feel hurt and cheated. “How could he do this?”

Oh, sorry LyingWitch I only meant if lightheartedly. I suggested cinema as I’m not really in the mood for a dressy up night out, he wasn’t keen so I said he could choose what we watch.