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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Secret lunch

53 replies

trembleandwear · 24/04/2018 16:59

Not sure if I am over reacting and no one in real life I want to tell the details to. Can I ask what you think?
Boyfriend is lovely, very caring. But I sometimes feels he doesn't tell me the truth especially if its something that I might not want to hear. The other day he told me he spoke to a former female work colleague on the phone and said it was a shame that they didn't get the chance to meet. We discussed inviting her to ours to catch up instead. I had this feeling he was not telling the truth, not sure why. I later discovered through google maps that he had in fact had a long lunch with her, but lied about it. He picked her up in our car, drove for 20 minutes to a lovely pub and had a two hour lunch before taking her back. He paid for their lunch. When I confronted him he was very sorry and told me he had no feelings for her, he just felt bad he hadn't mentioned the lunch to me before so lied about it. I 95% believe him but also feel sick about it. The thought of him lying so openly and fully to me is awful and also that I have been working really hard at home and at work to support him during a stressful time and busy time at work - then he takes 3hours off in total to treat himself to a lovely break with a stunning woman, while lying to me about it. I do kind of believe it was a mistake but I just wonder if I will always think he is lying now.. I don't think he is having an affair or anything, it's just the lying and perhaps thrill of being seen/treating a young woman. Am I over reacting? We all lie sometimes and perhaps he just got caught up in it?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 24/04/2018 17:01

You think it was a "mistake". Unless he has some additional needs you have not mentioned this is not feasible. He deliberately lied.

Either because he is chasing her or you have previous for extreme jealousy. Either way it was a deliberate lie.

AnyFucker · 24/04/2018 17:02

How is this a "mistake" ?

I would think he absolutely meant to take another woman in his car for lunch, pay for it then lie to you. Those are all deliberate acts that require planning and forethought.

Lots of shady men on Mumsnet today

UkPod · 24/04/2018 17:02

Bloke here. Long lunch about what?

How protective is he over his phone?

Step back for a moment and ask yourself what would you think if you saw someone else's boyfriend having a pub lunch with a woman who wasn't his girlfriend....

NetVolume · 24/04/2018 17:03

He lied by accident? Sorry, I don't buy it op. I'd do some digging if I were you.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 24/04/2018 17:04

Telling a big, fat lie isn't a mistake. Treading in dogshit is a mistake. Lying to someone you love is a deliberate act to cover up something you're ashamed of. Ask yourself why he'd be ashamed of it and go from there.

Aprilmightbemynewname · 24/04/2018 17:05

Next time he sees her and tells you his penis fell into her by mistake you will dump him won't you?

Original poster
trembleandwear · 24/04/2018 17:07

Thanks, yes I see what you mean. I guess I meant mistake not to tell me about it rather than to do it. I don't see myself as a jealous person, would have said it was fine for him to go if he had told me (wouldn't say I would have liked it - she is gorgeous - but am not into controlling other people). He has said I am welcome to look at his phone but I haven't - I know the code, but he rarely leaves it around. Feel so sad about it though, almost like he has had an affair which I know he hasn't, which is what made me wonder about whether I am over reacting. Thank you - food for thought

OP posts:
Petalflowers · 24/04/2018 17:07

What blunt says.

Bluntness100 · 24/04/2018 17:07

I think the other thing that would bother me is he has mentionitis. He wanted to talk about her. He then spun an elaborate lie involving you in a discussion. He also had to plan the lunch with her and all that involves.

I'm not saying anything is going on with them, she may not be interested, but your guy is definitely going after this woman. I'm sorry.

UkPod · 24/04/2018 17:10

Agreed with Blunt. Unless it's a business deal (and a bloody important one at that) he deffo sounds interested, that's some groundwork he's put in there.

Guiltypleasures001 · 24/04/2018 17:14

Bullshit test to see how gullible you are to swallow his story and sorry

Original poster
trembleandwear · 24/04/2018 17:19

Thanks - they are friends through (former) work - is it still odd to have a catch up lunch on their own? He went to a party at her house (I was invited but stayed with my kids) and seemed very excited about going, planning his route and looking at the outside of her flat on google even though it was weeks until he was going.But haven't seen any flirty messages or anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
trembleandwear · 24/04/2018 17:20

also that he picked her up in our car and paid for the lunch make me want to vomit

OP posts:
TattyCat · 24/04/2018 17:26

I'm so sorry. I'm going through a similar scenario at the moment although mine started back in 2016 and I'm just uncovering it. Today I've cancelled our wedding. You need to trust your gut instinct the very minute you are faced with it - don't ignore it.

Because he gave me no reason, no clues, nothing, I trusted him 100% for 10 years, and this is utterly devastating.

Bluntness100 · 24/04/2018 17:27

Op, uou know the answer to this, that's why you checked up on him that's why you're posting on here. You don't want it to be true but know it is.

Is not odd to have catch up lunch with a colleague. It's odd to then lie to your partner, have a whole discussion about inviting her round, which he couldn't do as it would expose the lie. If it was just a catch up lunch he'd have said "oh I had lunch with x today".

He lied because of his motives.

TattyCat · 24/04/2018 17:28

Thanks - they are friends through (former) work - is it still odd to have a catch up lunch on their own?

This is EXACTLY what mine has done. But since 2016... and in the evening (he works away from home). Catch up lunches my arse...

Original poster
trembleandwear · 24/04/2018 17:31

Am sorry to hear that TattyCat - sounds like you are making the best decision

OP posts:
TattyCat · 24/04/2018 17:31

Oh, and mine immediately confessed that he 'thought something might happen' the first time they went out. Then swears that nothing did but they continued their 'catch up' dinners in the evening but he realised all along that he was 'wrong' and 'felt bad' about it.

TattyCat · 24/04/2018 17:33

sounds like you are making the best decision

It's currently the only decision I can make. I'm still reeling and have only just stopped shaking today, 9 days after finding out.

Sorry, I won't derail your thread any further, but just wanted to say that if you let it go, it may come back and bite you on the arse. This could be an early warning.

UkPod · 24/04/2018 17:35

Agreed.

Google the "Billy Graham Law".

In short, it means he had a rule (as has Mike Pence) where he will not entertain the idea of dinner alone with another woman other than his wife. I think there's a lot to be said for that tbh.

Original poster
trembleandwear · 24/04/2018 17:39

Thanks, really helps to know I am not over reacting and will have a proper think about it

OP posts:
Mogleflop · 24/04/2018 17:45

I would be sickened by this too OP.

For one thing that sounds like an emotional affair (or more), but mainly the lying and hiding would do it for me. I'd be so suspicious afterwards and wouldn't know how to stop feeling that way.

What else do you feel he doesn't tell you the truth about? (You said "sometimes").

Adayindisney67 · 24/04/2018 17:45

Catch up lunch my arse! He took her on a date.
If my DP picked another woman up in my car and paid for her dinner, I'd chuck the bastard out.. Sorry OP he's crossed a line.

UkPod · 24/04/2018 17:48

Agreed. Bloke here. Men don't spend time long periods alone with women unless it's business related (and then it better be for a damn good deal) for any other reason than to get you know what.

lastnamefirstfirstnamelast · 24/04/2018 17:49

The other day he told me he spoke to a former female work colleague on the phone and said it was a shame that they didn't get the chance to meet.

A, He lied -point blank
B, He obviously had some hidden agenda hence the lie
C, There has been on going arrangements behind your back to sort the lunch out etc so this waasnt just a chance of speaking to a former colleague casually on the phone.

This guy sounds like an utter tool.

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