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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Secret lunch

53 replies

trembleandwear · 24/04/2018 16:59

Not sure if I am over reacting and no one in real life I want to tell the details to. Can I ask what you think?
Boyfriend is lovely, very caring. But I sometimes feels he doesn't tell me the truth especially if its something that I might not want to hear. The other day he told me he spoke to a former female work colleague on the phone and said it was a shame that they didn't get the chance to meet. We discussed inviting her to ours to catch up instead. I had this feeling he was not telling the truth, not sure why. I later discovered through google maps that he had in fact had a long lunch with her, but lied about it. He picked her up in our car, drove for 20 minutes to a lovely pub and had a two hour lunch before taking her back. He paid for their lunch. When I confronted him he was very sorry and told me he had no feelings for her, he just felt bad he hadn't mentioned the lunch to me before so lied about it. I 95% believe him but also feel sick about it. The thought of him lying so openly and fully to me is awful and also that I have been working really hard at home and at work to support him during a stressful time and busy time at work - then he takes 3hours off in total to treat himself to a lovely break with a stunning woman, while lying to me about it. I do kind of believe it was a mistake but I just wonder if I will always think he is lying now.. I don't think he is having an affair or anything, it's just the lying and perhaps thrill of being seen/treating a young woman. Am I over reacting? We all lie sometimes and perhaps he just got caught up in it?

OP posts:
MyKingdomForBrie · 24/04/2018 17:52

I don’t think you’re over reacting at all. That’s a horrible thing to lie about.

Original poster
trembleandwear · 24/04/2018 17:52

Mogleflop - sometimes I just get the feeling he is not telling the truth (as I did this time) - in the past it has been contact with his ex-wife, meeting up or booking her a trip on airmiles (when it has become clear, he denies it then admits it). Usually I think he avoids it because he doesn't want to hurt me, but I would prefer to be told the truth even if I didn't like it, in all the cases where he has lied to me, I would have been fine about it apart from the lying.

OP posts:
Adayindisney67 · 24/04/2018 17:52

& I can net your bottom dollar everyone thought they were a couple..
Come on OP wake up and make it known you are more than upset about this.

The man is taking you for a complete mug.. Don't let him!

Bluntness100 · 24/04/2018 17:58

It sounds you're trying to make this about the lying op in your head. When in reality it's about something much bigger. He is either cheating or trying very hard to cheat on you. The lying here is simply a visible symptom of what's really happening.

As pod said, this is quite some ground work he's put in. Two hours lunch, plus driving her there and back, and paying is not a catch up with a ex colleague.

PetulantPolecat · 24/04/2018 17:59

I can think of a few former colleagues that I could easily spend two hours with over lunch, catching up. But I wouldn’t need to lie about it. That’s the difference. I would think the same if it was a man... why lie?

Bluntness100 · 24/04/2018 18:00

I can think of a few former colleagues that I could easily spend two hours with over lunch, catching up

Would they also pick you up, drop you off and pay for you?

Blaablaablaa · 24/04/2018 18:04

I'm sorry but the fact he hid it from you means there was more to this than two former colleagues catching up. ..at least for him.
A loving partner doesn't hide this.

My DH met a former (female) colleague for lunch a few months ago. It wasn't a problem because I knew about it and he invited me along ( I didn't go ) I can also guarantee he will have paid cos that's what he's like - but again I know that. It's the secrets and lies that are the problem

Tiredmum100 · 24/04/2018 18:09

When I first met my now dh he went out for lunch with a female work colleague who had left their place of work. The difference was he told me about it, where they were going, what they had to eat and what they chatted about. Not that I asked, he just told me in general conversation. I would be feeling like you, and not happy he lied.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 24/04/2018 18:15

Sorry OP but I think he is either up to something with this woman or your husband would like there to be.

Innocent people do not lie.

halfwitpicker · 24/04/2018 18:16

Would they also pick you up, drop you off and pay for you?

^^

Only if they thought there was a slight chance i'd sleep with them.

Crunched · 24/04/2018 18:20

UkPod
Agreed. Bloke here. Men don't spend time long periods alone with women unless it's business related (and then it better be for a damn good deal) for any other reason than to get you know what.

Wow.
As PetulentPolecat, Blaablaablaa and Tiredmum100 say, it is perfectly acceptable/normal for friends of any gender to spend long lunches, chats etc. in my world.
The issue here is the deception. Trust your intuition Op.

Psychobabble123 · 24/04/2018 18:21

Dodgy as fuck! The whole 'you can loom at my phone' wouldn't make me less suspicious either. Sorry OP Sad

Psychobabble123 · 24/04/2018 18:22

Look obviously, not loom! Although you might do that too Blush

Blaablaablaa · 24/04/2018 18:25

@ukpod that's might apply to you but I know men who have female friends who, you know, are just that...friends. Not everyone has an ulterior motive

TattyCat · 24/04/2018 18:33

I know men who have female friends who, you know, are just that...friends.

They are the grown ups though.

Bluntness100 · 24/04/2018 19:12

The issue is not he had lunch with this woman, I don't think thats what pod is saying, the issue here is he went and picked this woman up, took her for a lengthy lunch, paid for her, and took her home. He then mentioned her to his partner, the op, and then had a fantasy conversation about inviting her to theirs because he wanted to catch up with her and hadn't. He also got all excited about going to her house previously.

It's not the single fact he had lunch with her, it's the whole thing together. And for most folks, the whole picking you up, taking you to lunch, paying for you, and taking you home is a date,,,and that's before you factor in the lying to your partner about it.

AnyFucker · 24/04/2018 19:44

Yep, long and short of it.....he took another woman on a date

UkPod · 24/04/2018 21:05

I just want to expand. If I took a woman on an extended lunch date as described, just me and her, regardless of my intentions I'd fully expect my other half to absolutely hit the roof, and justifiably so.

Let me edit my original post slightly, are all men who go on solo lunch dates with women they are not formally going out with in whatever context interested in bedding them? No.

And I was wrong to blanket-statement post, HOWEVER there are a significant number (of men) who would reflect post-date on the situation as a cue to make more advances of a sexual nature, regardless of what the woman thought the meeting was about, but you all know this already!

GertrudeCB · 24/04/2018 21:27

He is seeing how much bullshit he can get away with. He is a liar.

Choosegopse · 24/04/2018 21:34

Ok, so he took her on a date. You need to work out how you feel about this. Is it a sign that the relationship is out of kilter? Are you also attracted to other people? Do you think you can spice things up again? Can you have a proper conversation about the state of your relationship? I’m just wondering if it is salvageable? Or do you feel he has crossed a line with this?

Littlechocola · 24/04/2018 21:41

He lied to you.

I wouldn’t be worried if my partner went out with a female colleague but I would be livid if he lied about it.

Wake up op.

dontcallmethatyoucunt · 24/04/2018 21:44

he doesn't want to hurt me

And that is the favourite line of a liar that gets caught. Done fall for that one. He didn't want to say about the things you listed because quite rightly, you would question his reasons.

I do go for lunch with other men, I don't necessarily mention it to my DH, but it's work. I'm usually talking about pensions. I may pay, they may pay. It can be 2 hours. If I had no business need, I wouldn't be there.

Sally2791 · 25/04/2018 05:50

You are not over reacting. Play it cool and wait for him to trip himself up. Again.

MumOfThrMoos · 25/04/2018 09:07

It's not the lunch that's the problem it is the dishonesty.

I have all sorts of long lunches and dinners out with a sorts of friends - some are ex colleagues, some are male, some female, some ex bf, some not. My DH does the same.

However, we do not lie about anything. Basically if either of us don't feel comfortable telling the other about something we're doing or someone we're seeing then we shouldn't be doing it.

(It's not an open marriage, we neither of us are having affairs, emotional or otherwise but we were both quite old with established friendships when we met and we wouldn't expect one another to change those).

TBH, if you're at the stage where you're looking up where he's been in Google then it's clear you don't trust him. That's very hard to get back and impossible to maintain a relationship without.

I'm so sorry but you are worth more than that.

notacooldad · 25/04/2018 09:19

I can think of a few former colleagues that I could easily spend two hours with over lunch, catching up

Would they also pick you up, drop you off and pay for you?

Nothing necessarily dodgey about that. I've done that with former colleagues who are now friends. The huge problem is the lies the fella has told. That is massive. I have no problem and neither does DP saying ' oh, I've made arrangements to meet ( member of opposite sex) for lunch, I've got loads to chat about. We don't hide it.

This guy need to have the truth squeezed from him. I couldn't be arsed to be in a relationship where you are seconding guessing if what someone says to you is the truth or not and later go through the anguish of reading they have deliberately lied to your face.

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