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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I hate my husband for what he has done

116 replies

Giselleb1 · 23/04/2018 16:27

Hi all, I got married last year and just gave birth to my baby girl. A girl called me at the start of the year to say she's been sleeping with my husband for over a year (which is half our relationship) and she showed me hotel receipts and WhatsApp messages and videos to prove it. She said she was also pregnant by him. Since then I've done some snooping and discovered that he's been texting other girls in the past year flirting and asking to see them. He's apologised profusely but denied sleeping with anyone else which i don't believe.
We were arguing a lot before the wedding and both said things we shouldn't have which is what he says drove him to do it. I just feel like my entire relationship with him has been a lie and I'm finding it so difficult to get past his betrayal. What's annoying now is that he still expects me to massage him and rub his back etc but the idea of it makes me sick as he told me that those are the things the other woman used to do for him. He keeps telling me to let go of the past but I'm just so angry and upset to the point it's depressing me. We had 2 sessions of counselling and the therapist said because I've just had a baby I should wait a couple of months to be emotionally ready to deal with the issues in the sessions. I just don't know what to do. Sometimes I find myself hating him so much.

OP posts:
minimalpatience · 23/04/2018 21:08

You're worth more than the toad you're married to. He sounds like a right piece of work and incapable of being faithful.

BMW6 · 23/04/2018 21:10

You have NOTHING to be ashamed of. Tell your family, and his, and all your friends the truth.
He has lied, deceived and cheated. Not you.He made a fool of himself with the big wedding - not you.

You have a daughter - what would you tell her to do if she is in your situation 30 years on from now?

Recover your dignity and self esteem by ending this farce of a marriage. NOW.

Angelf1sh · 23/04/2018 21:10

This man will get worse. Get out before you lose all of your will power.

Wdigin2this · 23/04/2018 21:12

See a solicitor ASAP, take all the evidence you have, and divorce the bastard! Whilst you're doing it, make sure you get him for every penny he's got, you deserve it after the way he's treated you!

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 23/04/2018 21:13

Yes you can leave his past behind you but this is very much his present which you are both living through right now.

Do yourself a favour OP and extricate yourself from this absolute fuckwit. You deserve better.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 23/04/2018 21:13

Ah, yes, embarrassment after having a big fancy wedding when you know now you shouldn't have been getting married. Just bought a house too. And had a baby. Yeah, when you tell people there will be eyebrow raising and you'll be gossip for a while. So?

You know what that gossip will be? They will be gossiping about what a shitbag he is. Not you. Him. I expect everyone else will have known he's a sleaze. They just thought you were cool with it for some reason. From that gossip will come support. Stories from others about what happened to them or their sister or their friend. Help, tea and sympathy will come your way.

Nobody can be as big a sleaze and a lech as your DH without loads of people knowing. He must be trying it on with women constantly. They are already gossiping about you my lovely. Pretending you don't know he's a sleazebag won't stop them already knowing he's a sleazebag.

I bet you anything that very few people at that extravagant wedding will be shocked if you divorce him now. They might think you a bit daft for marrying him in the first place but who hasn't done something daft for love, eh? You'll still get help and support. Later they'll give you wine and laughter as you look back on it.

theeyeofthestormchaser · 23/04/2018 21:14

So you’ve been together two years? And in that time have got married and had a baby? And he’s been cheating on you for a year?.

Fucking hell. Dump his dirty arse. Don’t listen to any of his excuses. He’s a lying, cheating bastard. Never trust him again. Ask him to move out tomorrow.

bottleofredplease · 23/04/2018 21:15

I understand hat you might feel embarrassed and ashamed as of course you want it all to work out like a dream but when people learn about what he has done you will get a lot of support and sympathy, what an utter cock.

HippityHoppityWho · 23/04/2018 21:17

OP, you haven't done anything to be ashamed of. He has. Don't be embarrassed. Any real friends will just be disgusted and gutted for you, not pondering about the value of your wedding.

numptynuts · 23/04/2018 21:20

*So you’ve been together two years? And in that time have got married and had a baby? And he’s been cheating on you for a year?.

Fucking hell. Dump his dirty arse. Don’t listen to any of his excuses. He’s a lying, cheating bastard. Never trust him again. Ask him to move out tomorrow.*

In a nutshell. Jesus, it's never going to get better, only worse. You're better than a life of this, as is your child Thanks

MsJudgemental · 23/04/2018 21:25

LTB Flowers

MatildaTheCat · 23/04/2018 21:26

Start by telling your mum.

Then gather your strength to chuck him out. Honestly, you can’t get past this and your entire marriage will be more of the same.

Flowers
SteamTrainsRealAleandOpenFires · 23/04/2018 21:30

Let him think it is all ok and then in the background you need to sort out all of the finances, birth certificate for your daughter etc. Do not tell him your plans as he has already proved himself to be an accomplished liar and he would be making his own plans.

This and then start divorce proceedings.

TheUterati · 23/04/2018 21:33

I know nothing about you whatsoever. But I am 100% certain of one thing: he is a vile, despicable bastard. He does not deserve you.

LTB

Dump. Run. And hold your head up high. If I knew you, if you left him and it all came out, I would feel such respect for your strength of character and the decision you were making for yourself and your child. If you were my friend, I would be so proud of and would support you all the way.

He is scum.

gillybeanz · 23/04/2018 21:33

So it's all your fault because you drove him to it.
Why on earth did you marry someone you argued a lot, with and why are you still with him, when he clearly has no respect for you and is a serial ?
cheat, I don't understand, sorry Sad

Tiredeypops · 23/04/2018 21:36

Here is my first LTB too - he’s an arsehole who isn’t sorry

RoundaboutSnail · 23/04/2018 21:36

You and your baby come first now. Please tell your mum and friends what has happened. You have done nothing wrong, and it makes no difference what sort of wedding you had. No-one will think "everything was fake", because to you it was a real marriage. Your husband is the dishonest fake! You deserve so much better and shouldn't put yourself down. I am sure your friends will support you and rally round while you get rid of the cheating loser.

RBBMummy · 23/04/2018 21:36

Kick him out and file for divorce!

Maedoula · 23/04/2018 21:38

I'm gonna keep this simple.

One is too many. He doesn't love you. He definitely won't love you if you show him your a push over by staying with him after he's HAD SEX with another woman. He will probably leave you eventually for someone else, men like that do...no amount of forgiving them for not being able to keep it in their pants will make them respect you.

Bottom line: make your escape plan and leave!

JazzyJefff · 23/04/2018 21:38

OP, are you Khloe Kardashian by any chance?

MagnifyingGlassSearch · 23/04/2018 21:38

Let go of the past = LTB and move on

KERALA1 · 23/04/2018 21:42

Fwiw I was in the hairdressers and a granny was telling the hairdresser (and everybody else) that her grandson had essentially done what your dh has done. Every woman in there shook her head and said different versions of what a shit he was nothing but genuine sympathy for the wife. Even his own grandmother. That's the response you'll get op.

Justletitlie · 23/04/2018 21:47

Yeah OP, if you want to keep your man, you should be giving him lovely back rubs, massages, etc. I mean, what if the other women do it better than you? He might leave you Confused

This prize catch.

When kids get comfortable with you on sleepovers, they start trying to eek as much out of it as possible "yes my mum lets us have Nutella with everything, and a big bar of chocolate for pudding ... we don't have to clean our teeth in our house" and so on.

Can you see any similarity? You want me to have a good time don't you? You don't want me to go and tell my mum (the other women) you are a meany, do you? You don't want to be compared unfavourably to the other women do you? Well do what I want.

He is never ever going to change OP. He is horrible. Don't waste a single second more on him. Eventually he would go anyway, and you would hate yourself for giving him ownership of the decision.

Oh and the counsellor is waiting for you to get over the birth and new baby, before she guides your thinking towards realising what a total, epic shit he is.

When your baby starts teething it will all be your fault; the other women's houses will be nice and quiet.

hayli · 23/04/2018 21:48

You NEED to tell ur mum qnd friends what has happenned you need support from elsewhere. This vile peice of crap has no respect for you at all. Leave him now before you regret anymore time spent with him. No amount of counselling will help

LadyLapsang · 23/04/2018 21:52

Do not let the psychology of sunk costs - the expensive wedding, the house purchase - cloud your clarity of thought.Really, if he is behaving like this now, what would he be like when you have to deal with the challenges of day to day married life, illness, caring, economic challenges etc. etc. later on. Can you tell your mum? Would she support you if you sought a divorce or would she pressure you to "work at it"? Do get checked for STIs. What are his plans for seeing and supporting his other baby?