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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I hate my husband for what he has done

116 replies

Giselleb1 · 23/04/2018 16:27

Hi all, I got married last year and just gave birth to my baby girl. A girl called me at the start of the year to say she's been sleeping with my husband for over a year (which is half our relationship) and she showed me hotel receipts and WhatsApp messages and videos to prove it. She said she was also pregnant by him. Since then I've done some snooping and discovered that he's been texting other girls in the past year flirting and asking to see them. He's apologised profusely but denied sleeping with anyone else which i don't believe.
We were arguing a lot before the wedding and both said things we shouldn't have which is what he says drove him to do it. I just feel like my entire relationship with him has been a lie and I'm finding it so difficult to get past his betrayal. What's annoying now is that he still expects me to massage him and rub his back etc but the idea of it makes me sick as he told me that those are the things the other woman used to do for him. He keeps telling me to let go of the past but I'm just so angry and upset to the point it's depressing me. We had 2 sessions of counselling and the therapist said because I've just had a baby I should wait a couple of months to be emotionally ready to deal with the issues in the sessions. I just don't know what to do. Sometimes I find myself hating him so much.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 23/04/2018 18:14

I just feel like my entire relationship with him has been a lie

Because it has been.

What's annoying now is that he still expects me to massage him and rub his back he told me that those are the things the other woman used to do for him.

Really. Show him the door. He can go back to his multiple other women to massage him. He doesnt respect you one bit.

We were arguing a lot before the wedding and both said things we shouldn't have which is what he says drove him to do it

Didn't drive you to cheat though did it.

You know you can get annulment based on the fact that he was cheating as you entered the marriage and had no intention to be faithful. The affair child is proof of that.

he's admitted to sleeping with only the one girl but denied all the others

He could hardly deny or argue when DNA would prove otherwise.

I'm guessing ypur youngish ..
Don't waste years and have more kids only to find he continues cheating.

SelkieUnderLand · 23/04/2018 18:15

Ps it is gaslighting and it is abusive to ask you to rub his back as it creates a script where the narrative is that somebody else did this for him and you will be compared.

Either compared, or interchangeable and therefore replaceable.

He sounds an absolute arsehole and that is based on his behavior after the cheating.

gryffen · 23/04/2018 18:18

Please PLEASE tell me you have evidence kept of this or have contact with the other woman to get it?

Imho- if possible - get together with her, visit his parents and lay it down to them and seek legal support.

He is a maggot faced micro dick heartless bastard.

Get rid of him and enjoy your daughter

Luckingfovely · 23/04/2018 18:32

He is an absolutely vile excuse for a man. I know it must be completely terrifying, but I promise you will be so, so much happier in the future without him. Wishing you luck and happiness ahead.

Original poster

Giselleb1 · 23/04/2018 20:26

Thank you all for the overwhelming support
Im 31, we have just moved into a new place (The sale recently went through) so I feel I'm stuck with him for now. I can't face telling friends as we had such an extravagant wedding I just feel so humiliated to tell them everything was fake. I don't want him anymore the sight of him makes me sick. I spoke to him this evening about how I feel and as usual he's gone off to bed as he doesn't feel well (more like he can't deal with my "nagging")
You don't even know the half of the vile sexual things he's done with the other girl and the nasty things he says to me when we argue even now. I need space away from him but I just don't know how I can get that now.

OP posts:

Original poster

Giselleb1 · 23/04/2018 20:28

I have my mum around to help with the baby x

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 23/04/2018 20:32

I hate him too

Please don't put saving face over your self respect. This man is vile and you covering up for him will destroy you.

rainbowlou · 23/04/2018 20:33

Please don’t stay..I did and 2 years on my head is so fucked.
I now often think if I’d been strong enough to kick him out 2 years ago, I’d have moved on, possibly got over it and right now be in a totally different place.

RidingWindhorses · 23/04/2018 20:35

Humiliation never killed anyone in fact it's good for the soul.

So much better for you than staying with the arsehole of the century.

RidingWindhorses · 23/04/2018 20:37

The people who truly care about you would never want you keeping up appearances for their sake. They'd just want you to be away from the douche asap.

As shits go on MN, he is one of the worst I've read about OP.

There's nothing to be gained by staying in his proximity.

TryingToForgeAnewLife · 23/04/2018 20:39

He is revolting

CheeseyToast · 23/04/2018 20:42

You have nothing to be ashamed of, the shame is his.

Please don't put yourself through another minute with this man, you have and are being treated dreadfully. Nothing is worth this.

I know the thought of leaving must feel overwhelming but staying is worse.

I'm so sorry.

SleightOfMind · 23/04/2018 20:47

I’m willing to bet most of your friends think he’s horrible but don’t want to upset you.

They’ll be cheering you from the rooftops if you come out and tell them what he’s done and that you’re leaving him.

You’ve done nothing to be ashamed of. The shame is all his.

#IHateHimToo

FYC · 23/04/2018 20:51

He broke this. Not you. Everyone will understand why you left him. You married him in good faith. He broke your trust and his promises. He is vile.

Homes can be sold, ways can be found. You need to start planning. See a solicitor about where you would stand. Get some proper advice. You can do this.

You can be happy again. But not with him.

Littlechocola · 23/04/2018 20:53

He’s a dick.

Counselling won’t fix this.
Sorry to ask but have you been tested for STDs?

Show your daughter what her mum is made of, sod everyone else.

holasoydora · 23/04/2018 20:57

I have just re-logged on to mumsnet (mid-bedtime) to do my first LTB. The massage thing alone is just so fucking wrong it's untrue.

I once stayed with someone who cheated on me in similar way, only for him to feel the need to tell me what he did (and carried on doing) with the other woman or make 'jokes' and then tell me I was uptight for being upset. The day I blocked him from my life was the day I started living again. Obviously you have a child with this creep, so that will have to be worked out, but just having bought a house is no obstacle to ditching him - make an appointment with your solicitor.

Gemini69 · 23/04/2018 20:59

He says let go of the past.... so DO IT... KICK HIS ARSE OUT NOW...

stop worrying about what other people think...it'll be 5 minute gossip... and they are not living this bullshit life... you deserve better.. get onto CMS too lady

holasoydora · 23/04/2018 21:00

The people who truly care about you would never want you keeping up appearances for their sake

^this too

Spanglyprincess1 · 23/04/2018 21:00

You deserve better than to be treated like this and so does your daughter.
It will be hard but your better off without the stress of dealing with someone who treats you so badly!

Balibabe1 · 23/04/2018 21:01

As someone who found out my entire 16 year marriage was a lie, I can fully empathise with you. However, please do not stay like I did, (because the resentment doesn’t go) out of shame at how you think others will judge.
He is vile, has no remorse and is now blaming you. Dump his sorry arse and concentrate on you and your beautiful baby. 💐xx

HippityHoppityWho · 23/04/2018 21:04

Have some respect for yourself and your baby and get the hell away. Even without a newborn this is far too fucking much to forgive.

He is now emotionally abusing you.

Coyoacan · 23/04/2018 21:05

You don't deserve this, OP, but now you are a mother, you have an even greater responsibility to your child, which means you have to leave this man as soon as humanly possible.

clippityclock · 23/04/2018 21:05

Blimey I can not believe you haven't thrown hm out the door!! What a vile man!

I expect your friends are more aware of his shitty behaviour than you think but just didn't want to tell you.

LTB!

PieAndPumpkins · 23/04/2018 21:05

Tell him to move out and get some legal advice. What a disgusting slug, I wouldn't want to share air space with such a narcissistic bastard. I'm raging for you. Ask your mum for help. You have nothing to be embarrassed about, he is the disgusting liar.

Failingat40 · 23/04/2018 21:07

Please confide in someone in RL op.

You are really vulnerable and post natal just now.

The saddest thing about this is he's being putting your sexual health at risk by sleeping with others clearly not using condoms if he's managed to get one pregnant.

So sorry

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