99% of infidelity - but how to prove?

[diege]

So discovered over the weekend (snooping) that my 'boyfriend' of 18 months is living at a different address to that which he had said (I hadn't been to his house - long story). Upon further investigation it turns out the house he does live in is owned by a divorced couple, the husband now abroad. Having looked at her pinterest of all things it's pretty clear they are/were close at some point and my hunch is that they are living at that address. I am naturally devastated but just want to know the truth. Other snippets from the past...he (with hindsight) does seem to be a compulsive liar, plus never available at the weekend, wanting to take things slow because of my children (my husband died 2 years ago under traumatic circumstances). Oh and to top it all off we work very closely together... Just wondering what the best strategy is...to turn up at the door? Come clean about the snooping with house visit as back up? I am definitively going to bring it up, just don't want to blow it.

Sounds like you had a rough night. I hope he mans up and comes to speak to you. Although I'd be surprised if he does.

As she works with him FT the usual advice of ghosting him and not contacting him is not practicable. She doesn't have to go round and I personally couldn't be arsed to do that.

But they're going to have to see each other everyday - they had to have concersations about the relationship ending. She doesn't have to give her reasons why. But given how pissed off she is its not likely that she will be able to keep in the fact that she knows he's a liar.

Just don't expect any truth from him OP.

So he flaked and has suggested meeting after work tomorrow (he's working from home, convenient). He's said he would welcome 'an honest discussion' which of course means more lies.
riding yes the repercussions of working together make the whole situation feel like it;s going to stretch out interminably.
It has to end - I'll put up with a lot but infidelity, never. At the same time I'm feeling a really deep sadness that it's ended. I fell asleep briefly putting dc6 to bed and when I woke up and remembered it was over I felt bereft. I think I'm running on adrenaline at the moment and the focus on getting some 'answers' is keeping me going. I'm worried I'm going to crash when it finally hits home but I do know I can't skirt around the pain and I'll get through it.

You are looking in the wrong place for answers.

What he did and why he did it are questions to which you will never get a satisfactory answer. It could be as simple as "because I wanted to".

Look for answers within yourself. Why didn't you spot him as a bad 'un early on? How will you stop this from happening again? What will you teach your children so they don't get into similar shitty relationships?

RunRabbit If I can add - How do I get out of this with my dignity intact and with the least amount of humiliation?

I completely disagree with Beryl- for my own peace of mind I couldn't let him think he'd managed to get away with it and that it didn't work for 'natural' reasons. He deserves to know that he's not as clever as he thinks- and so does his girlfriend.

I really feel your pain but please just see it as a lucky escape that you found out his true colours before you'd introduced him to your children. I know you are feeling bereft at the moment but please remember that he's a lying scumbag who is happy to deceive someone who's recently been widowed so you are very well rid of him.

Yes pinguine it's the fact that I need to let him know I know, understanding he will deny it and that that denial won't impact on what I know to be the truth.
I think its true too that this has taught me a lot about myself. I used to be an incredibly strong woman. I picked myself up after my husband took his own life, threw myself into the challenge of bringing up my 6 children on my own, working full time in a very challenging job. I've known the man concerned for several years as a colleague and supported him through his own stressful life events and thought I knew him. Today I'm on anti anxiety meds, have centred my world around him, with my mood relating to how much contact/attention I've had from him. There are some appalling examples I could give of things he's done I've let him do?) to me but that's another thread.I definitely need to pursue some sort of counselling as yes I need to find out why my self-worth is so low that I've been happy to accept so little.

Wow!!! what an amazing woman you are!
I know you're at a low point at the moment , but please don't throw away the dignity you've displayed so far!
Don't engage with him any further apart from the necessary work stuff.
You know all you need to know already. He's a pathetic little weasel.
You have so much going on in your life. Start looking at the positives.
You probably want revenge, or to cause him some pain.
I promise you..... you'll regret it in the future if you go down that road!
Maintain that dignity. It's your best weapon at the moment.
Act like you don't give a flying fuck!! he'll hate that!
Meanwhile, maybe it's time to look for another job??
YYY to the counselling. But I think you'll find it is him who is dragging down your self esteem, because you know in your heart that he is not good enough for you. And he is most definitely not good enough for your kids!!
Like I said you're amazing. Keep it that way!!!!

Thank you topsy, your post made me cry (in the work toilets!) .
He's out of the office today so in a naughty moment got the master key and had a nosey through his office drawers. I know, very unethical. Didn't find much but did see my valentine's card (to him - he had bought me one but left it at home apparently and never got it) stuffed into his drawer. Also a bottle of expensive wine I'd bought him for his birthday unopened under the table that he's said he's found his dad drinking - how we had laughed about that one! All makes sense now.
So seeing him this evening so I can finally get this part of the nightmare done with. He's sent a few texts confirming where he'll meet me etc and I'm getting my usual butterflies of excitement when I see his text, as if it's a real date...then I remember . Will update with details later.

Stay strong, stay calm, stay focused.

Do now allow him to manipulate you (he will be laying it on with a trowel).

Hold your head up high, and keep your dignity.

Listen to whatever bollox he comes out with, then walk away. He will come after you. Ignore.

Be STEELY.

You sound utterly amazing diege, your children are so lucky to have you xx

That's horrible proof of him living with another woman. He could have taken the wine home though and said he bought it but leaving it in the drawer at work means he sees it might even see it as a trophy if how clever and cunning he is at stringing two women along.

Dyou know what Diego, I really wish you would bail on him tonight. Just literally don't turn up!
You're telling yourself you need closure, but you know he's going to feed you a pack of big fat whoppers! He has form.... also you've given him plenty of time to concoct his story!
Treat him With the contempt he has shown you.
If (when) he starts whining about how unreasonable you're being, just give him your best 'you're shit on my shoe' look.
Then go home to you're lovely family victorious!
You've been through so much in the last couple of years. Find that woman who took on the world in those dark days!
One things for certain......... you won't find her anywhere near that drain on oxygen!

I know you feel you need to do this - he's clearly been very important to you - and I totally understand that but he has no right to treat you so badly and derail you in this way. Whatever happens, you do need to take more care of yourself. We can all get a bit lost at times and need to put energy into the things that really matter rather than letting someone else steal it from us. You have been through such a lot and you'll get through this. Good luck. Try to protect yourself. I've seen you supporting others on MN so many times and i wish I could do more to help you.

Good luck OP!

If it were me, I think I'd be late to meet him- because I'd have popped round his house to tell the live-in girlfriend what the situation is. I fully believe that people who are being cheated on deserve to know who (what?) they're dating/living with/planning to spend their life with- but I know that can be a difficult thing to do.

I agree with Pinguine

(Otherwise I just see it as being complicit in his dirty little secret- a bit like saying 'oh you're dick for cheating on me, but ok then, I'll keep your horrid secret from your other girlfriend so that you can just keep doing it to others')

I feel heartbroken for you but there is nothing to miss here. Ask yourself what would you miss about him when hes gone? What aboit him is so special? You need to look at why u allowed yourself to be in a relationship with a man who puts rules on when you can see him and treats YOU like a side chick then disgustingly uses your husbands death as a reason he can't see you.
The reason you are with this man is because you subconsciously feel worthless because your husband killed himself and somehow feel partly responsible leaving you insecure and feeling like you dont deserve better. You are probably lonley
Until you get some counselling and learn to love yourself you will always allow people to walk all over you and hurt you because you feel you deserve it. You DONT deserve it . A truly loving man will move the earth to spend time with you and be there for your kids.
Tell him what you know, if he wants to explain him self let him, then tell him you are leaving him anyway. Work is going to be hard, take a couole weeks off to gather your emotions . Do not contact him and go back into work with head held high. You should not be in a relationship right now. If he bugs you tell him you are going to write to his partner. That should stop him

To treat anyone this way is appalling. To treat someone who’s been through what you have this way, is bloody twisted.

You are worth a thousand of this vile creature, OP. You are strong, unbreakable, and independent. You are your children’s rock.

He’s a sleazy, cruel, disgrace. Nothing more, nothing less.

Hold your head high.

The reason you are with this man is because you subconsciously feel worthless because your husband killed himself and somehow feel partly responsible leaving you insecure and feeling like you dont deserve better

Erm, is this for real?! Not sure that's really an appropriate statement to make about the OP- who is a complete stranger to you. Not the most supportive or positive thing you could say.

I'm afraid I can't add anything to the advice you've already received OP, except to say good luck tonight. I hope you get what you need

Hope its going 'ok' op

Thank you for the lovely supportive messages. It was a very difficult evening and I didn't get back til late. Predictable lies, not even delivered especially convincingly - I lost it at one point and sobbed my heart out at another. Just feel very numb and exhausted but yes job done in the sense of finishing things. He didn't admit to anything - 'other woman' an ex he apparently stays with from time to time as a friend, who's 'mad' of course, just like his exes all were....So predictable really, fely bored and so very tired just listening to him...
Going to take today off work and try to focus on other things for a while - sleep, the gym, having something to eat and try and move my mind away from him when it will inevitably want to go back and pick at the scab. I really appreciate all the support - women are amazing!