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Original poster

99% of infidelity - but how to prove?

91 replies

diege · 22/04/2018 13:02

So discovered over the weekend (snooping) that my 'boyfriend' of 18 months is living at a different address to that which he had said (I hadn't been to his house - long story). Upon further investigation it turns out the house he does live in is owned by a divorced couple, the husband now abroad. Having looked at her pinterest of all things it's pretty clear they are/were close at some point and my hunch is that they are living at that address. I am naturally devastated but just want to know the truth. Other snippets from the past...he (with hindsight) does seem to be a compulsive liar, plus never available at the weekend, wanting to take things slow because of my children (my husband died 2 years ago under traumatic circumstances). Oh and to top it all off we work very closely together... Just wondering what the best strategy is...to turn up at the door? Come clean about the snooping with house visit as back up? I am definitively going to bring it up, just don't want to blow it.

OP posts:
Original poster
diege · 22/04/2018 21:19

Thank you for all the really useful advice, I really appreciate it as feeling very alone although I do have some very wise rl friends.
Runrabbit - great advice there and very timely as I have been thinking through what I will say and until I read your post was certainly obsessing over justifying and defending my position.
I should have seen the signs but fell head over heels and gave him the benefit of the doubt with cancelled plans, crap communication etc etc. I have been so stupid and should have ended things months ago. After taking steps to end an abusive marriage (before events took a different turn)I can't believe I've found myself in such a situation.

OP posts:
SelkieUnderLand · 22/04/2018 21:21

I agree with posters saying you don't need to be 100% certain of anything.

He lied to you. You know that.

Original poster
diege · 22/04/2018 21:26

He never has his phone on at the weekend or says he leaves it in the car and it runs out of charge...God what an absolute fool I've been. I just want to be happy and after what's happened in my past am craving some sort of affection and closeness and I can see how this is warped my usually very good sense of judgement (well, for other people at least!).

OP posts:
BerylStreep · 22/04/2018 21:26

I don't think confronting in any way is the way to go. Just tell him you don't think it is working out and you're calling it a day.

That way you keep your dignity intact, no drama, no lies, and you are the one who gets to control the manner and timing of it. Added benefit is that you get to maintain an adequate working relationship.

Sorry you are going through this.

HollowTalk · 22/04/2018 21:28

The thing is that you are a lovely, trusting woman and he is an out and out liar. Reading this, it's obvious what's been going on, but you trusted him. You hadn't been to his house? He never has his phone with him? Come on, OP.

isadorable · 22/04/2018 21:31

I'm furious that someone who knows what you've been through and is your colleague would do this to you. I imagine he has lots of good qualities you loved about him. But he is lying and using you. That's unforgivable.

Original poster
diege · 22/04/2018 21:36

His form for lying is horrific - it would be quite outing if I detailed some of them but yes a compulsive liar, and in the job we're in it's truly laughable. I suppose I need the 'proof' for my own ease of mind but can see too that this in itself reflects my lack of self-esteem and anxiety. Can you believe I teach this stuff for a living too Blush I hate the thought of having a niggling doubt - but I know I'll never get a full answer.

OP posts:
Original poster
diege · 22/04/2018 21:42

He's just texted me 'Is everything ok'? Of course I'm not going to answer...wow a weekend text Shock
Isadorable - yes it's pretty cruel considering what has happened in my past and how that almost broke me but I will get through this. It's certainly broken my trust and if I ever have another relationship (47 and more kids than you could imagine Grin) I will have my eyes wide open.

OP posts:
stressedandskint · 22/04/2018 21:42

Don't tell him you know.
Dump him, say you just don't feel attracted to him anymore and wish him all the best for the future.
Keep your head held high and rebuild your life.
Sounds like he doesn't respect women so him knowing he's hurt you won't make any difference to him.

isadorable · 22/04/2018 21:43

I can imagine you don't feel up to dealing with this but you can and you will. What a horrible guy. I know it is all buzzing and jangling in your head at the moment but one day it will mean nothing. You don't need the truth from him. He doesn't sound like he is capable of it anyway. He's probably lying to himself too.

isadorable · 22/04/2018 21:45

just seen your message Diege. You've come through worse, you're right. bitterly disappointing but you'll get through it.

Original poster
diege · 22/04/2018 21:47

Hollowtalk yes I was taken in by that one - he is 3 hours away by car and I don't drive (learning!) but I have very much felt marginalised. He attended a wedding with me of a very close friend a few weeks ago and had to leave at the end of the evening as his (grown up) daughter had had an accident (I'd booked a swanky suite as a treat, plus paid a babysitter to stay overnight). That actually triggered a row where I said I felt like a mistress but he convinced me he had no choice but to go...At least I didn't introduce him to the kids (again, he wanted to take things slow).

OP posts:
Aprilmightbemynewname · 22/04/2018 21:48

46 here and more dc than YOU can imagine op - def not a reason to give up finding a man who is worthy of you and your lovely family.
Kick him to the kerb - tonight.
Start tomorrow determined to not settle for less than you deserve. Flowers
Practice your resting bitch face in the mirror for when you see him at work. Grin

HollowTalk · 22/04/2018 21:57

So he's sent you a text... give him a call! Go on, call him now. Leave a message saying it's urgent. If you get through, tell him you love him and fancy some phone sex. He will switch that phone off so fast.

SelkieUnderLand · 22/04/2018 21:57

I completely agree with the suggestion to just say ''look, I'm not feelin' it anymore , finding this a bit flat''

So many times I have flattered a loser's ego by confronting him with his lying, misleading, u-turning, gaslighting, financial shennanigans, it flatters their ego and gets you nowhere.

Original poster
diege · 22/04/2018 22:34

I wish I could be that disinterested and cool but I can't give him the satisfaction of thinking I don't know Blush...which I get is for me and not him as he doesn't give a shit AND I won't get even a squirm out of him Confused
Heading up to bed now but will update tomorrow - will have to play it by ear, not sure of a strategy just yet but will try and say the minimum and stay strong. Secret as others have said is I think not getting into any sort of narrative and remaining calm Hmm

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 23/04/2018 03:33

So you have 20 dc?

(that's the most I can imagine based on how many in a rat's litter, although usual numbers are 10-14, but one of our does had 20)

Are you actually looking for a relationship with this man? If so, why?

lilybetsy · 23/04/2018 10:05

you will not get answers, probably just denials, but certainly pot answers. I understand its hard just to walk away, but that would be the best thing you could do. And then invest in some personal counselling for you to work out why you think so little of yourself you would put up with this shit.
and I speak as one who is doing just that (at last) and it is empowering !

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 23/04/2018 11:37

Thinking of you diege, what a cruel man he is x

Original poster
diege · 23/04/2018 13:50

Thank you. I got very little sleep last night, plus 6 year old vomited twice in my bed, so have stayed at home and told work I'm ill. Have had a phone call from him this morning asking what's wrong - he obviously senses something is up. Will be meeting up later go will get it all out then. Feel so sick and can't eat a thing. I'm not after continuing the relationship, just wanted to let him know I 'know' but agree with posters that if he was the sort of man who held his hands up and admitted he had lied I wouldn't be in this mess in the first place. Just hard as I'm grieving for what could (in my head only I know) have been - plus the very awkward scenario now of working together the rest of the week Confused And if i'm honest wanting justice to be done and for him to feel caught out on his behaviour!

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 23/04/2018 13:59

Maybe you could allude to knowing everything, without actually 'knowing', if you see what I mean?

Meet up with him, look him firmly in the eye and say 'I'm ending this, because I've found out things about you that I really don't like in someone I'm in a relationship with.'

And then walk away. He will know you know, you've kept your dignity. Just don't get drawn in to 'explaining what you've found out', he doesn't deserve to know and it will only give him the chance to explain himself (ie, feed you a load more lies).

Original poster
diege · 23/04/2018 14:22

I told him 'knew everything' on the phone this morning and that I wanted to see him face to face. He wanted details ('What do you mean 'everything', what does that mean?', etc etc. But I held out and didn't give detail. He has form for not showing up so if he flakes for his own funeral so be it.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 23/04/2018 18:19

Ha! He wants to know how much you know so that he knows what he can get away with lying about to manipulate you. He must think you are stupid. Pfft.

SelkieUnderLand · 23/04/2018 18:22

If you work together then he will look like a shabby article. Hold your head up so high your neck aches.

BerylStreep · 23/04/2018 18:31

OP, I can't stress highly enough that I think the 'I know' confrontation is a really bad move. He won't give a fuck, and you will just look like a fairly desperate Miss Marple. Just tell him it's not working for you anymore.

Trust me, as a lier and a cheat, he gets his rocks off on having the upper hand. By you nipping it in the bud with no drama, no meaningful explanation, no tears or recrimination or anger, you will be really hurting him where it hurts most - his ego.

Anything else he will just block out in his own head as blah blah blah.

Please think again about confronting him.