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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Co-worker is attracted to me but I'm married

76 replies

Rik10 · 21/04/2018 15:42

Hi all, first time on this site so please move this thread if it's in the wrong place.

I've been married for 10 years now and my relationship with my wife is in all honesty very non physical. Since having children we now sleep in different rooms and are only intimate if I initiate it maybe once a month. Even then it feels like my wife doesn't really want to be there with me.

I recently found out that when she was with her ex-boyfriend before me she had a really high sex drive with him but she refuses to tell me why.

I've always had a lot of attention from other women both through friends and at the workplace. Since being married I've always ignored it and made sure that nothing has happened.

I recently started a new contract and 2 women there give me a lot of attention. 1 in particular is overtly flirtatious with me, can't keep her eyes off of me and goes out of her way to compliment me.

I've told her I'm married with 2 beautiful children and she has told me that she is also married with children. She also told me that she is not too happy in her marriage right now.

On one hand I have my wife, someone I made a promise to always be with and to stand by. However it seems that she married me out of some sort of rebound from her ex boyfriend. Someone who never pays me any compliments, someone who says she wants things to get better between us but never actually makes the effort to do anything to make things better.

On the other hand I have a very attractive woman who is attracted to me but with whom any sort of relationship would be plain wrong.

I've spoken to my wife about the whole thing and all she does is brush things under the carpet and promise to make more of an effort - something that she has been promising for the past 5 or so years but has never done!

I'm physically attracted to the woman at work but my mind just wishes that my wife would take things more seriously.....

What should I do ?

OP posts:

sprinklesandsauce · 21/04/2018 15:45

You either fix your marriage or you leave it, that’s what you do. The woman at work should have no bearing on your decision.

DirtyBlonde · 21/04/2018 15:46

Ensure that you are never alone with the woman at work, until you have broken the news to your DW that you are leaving her.

If you're not ready to leave your wife, then work out how to marginalise that woman. TBH, she sounds rather horrid. It's utterly inappropriate to be talking about marital troubles to a colleague whomyou have known for about 5 minutes.

Smeddum · 21/04/2018 15:46

Stay and be faithful, or leave and then start something new. For gods sake don’t cheat.

PinkCalluna · 21/04/2018 15:46

You know what you should do.

Mumsnet is the least likely place in the world to give you permission to betray your wife.

shanefolan29 · 21/04/2018 15:53

try to fix the marriage if you think it is worth saving and can be saved, if not and if your wife won't change and you are unhappy with the situation then you know where the door is. Do not cheat though, either fix it or leave it and then you can do as you please.

thethoughtfox · 21/04/2018 16:18

Your wife was presumably younger, childless and carefree in previous relationships. Most people in a long term relationship with children don't have the same amount of sex. It sound like you are reframing your relationship as a sham where she never really wanted to to give yourself permission to leave/ cheat. You don't need permission: end it in the kindest way possible if you don't want to stay and do everything you can to protect your wife and children's feelings and emotional health. But don't cheat.

thethoughtfox · 21/04/2018 16:18

never really wanted to marry you

NeedForBlossom · 21/04/2018 16:22

Gee Rik, I dunno...what should you do?

I give this thread 10...9...8...

AnyFucker · 21/04/2018 16:22

You have told your wife the "whole thing" ? Even about the emotional affair you are having at work ?

Wherearemymarbles · 21/04/2018 16:22

Chances are the reason your wife had a high sex drive with her ex is that she fancied him more than she does you. She is not exactly going to tell you this

This is very unlikley to change so I cant see how you can fix your marriage - you can just accept it for what it is or leave.

I’d choose the later option, you never know your wife might actually want this but is too scared to say so.

Mannix · 21/04/2018 16:23

Don't cheat OP, unless you want to become someone despicable.

Have a proper heart to heart with your wife. I know you've discussed this before but does she actually realise how important it is to you? Have you considered counselling or a marriage course?

Put your wife's ex out of your mind. Their sex life will probably have more to do with age and length of time in the relationship than how much she fancies you/him.

Emmageddon · 21/04/2018 16:26

I bet your flirtatious colleague will run screaming for the hills if you announce you have left your wife and are now footloose and fancy free. She wants a safe flirtation with an "office husband" - not a full blown marriage busting affair.

However your wife and children should be your priority right now. Mend or end your marriage before anything else.

SoapOnARoap · 21/04/2018 16:29

I’d get out of your relationship & start again. Life’s too short to be unhappy

MrsBartlettforthewin · 21/04/2018 16:34

Take the woman from work out of the equation, if you weren't being tempted would you actually want to break up your marriage?

What sort of divide of house work / child care etc do you and your wife honestly have? If my DH wasn't pulling his weight at home I wouldn't much fancy having sex with him. If you feel that area of your home life is fine and you can't think of anything else that might be effecting her sex drive you need to have an honest conversation even if she doesn't respond you need to make it clear how you are feeling and that you are tempted by the idea of cheating.

RainyApril · 21/04/2018 16:38

Oh you are doing that tedious and predictable thing that cheaters do : scraping the barrel for justification.

Feel free to embark on an affair if you want the end result of your colleagues gossiping about you, your marriage getting worse as you mentally check out, your family and friends and children ultimately finding out that you fucked a married colleague behind your wife's back, seeing your kids every other weekend, giving up 50% of everything you've saved and built up.

Of course you think none of that will happen because you'll be more clever and more discreet as you continue down your well trodden path.

The grass isn't greener if you go elsewhere, it's greener when you stay and water your own fucking grass. We've heard a lot about your poor sex life, your wife's unwillingness to do anything about it. But what do you do, other than moan and make her feel worse, more vulnerable? Do you imagine she's happy with her lot?

If you're not happy, lay it on the line for your wife or leave. Or would you really just like the excitement of shagging someone else on the side whilst maintaining your family comforts? Most adulterers, when caught, are full or regret and beg forgiveness. It's a pity they lack the imagination to see the inevitable end result before they do it.

Sn0tnose · 21/04/2018 16:47

You truly believe that the best place to pose your conundrum is on a board used by people who are dealing with the aftermath of being cheated on? Have a read of some of their posts. The hurt and devastation caused by a spouse who couldn't keep their underwear on. Ask yourself if you dislike your family enough to cause them that much pain.

If you cheat, you will get caught out. Few cheats are clever enough to hide it for long. You'll be living on your own in a bed sit with children who don't particularly want to be there and your private life will be a main topic of conversation at work. Don't bank on your colleague leaving her husband to set up home with you; she sounds quite settled where she is. And even if she did, how would you ever trust each other? Knowing exactly how much deceit the other is capable of?

Why not be a decent human being? Tell your wife that the lack of intimacy between you is making you unhappy and that you need to either work on your marriage or end it. Then go from there. If she doesn't want to work on it, then find someone who is not married and who does want you.

NotTheFordType · 21/04/2018 16:59

Well you've got 4 choices that I can see.

Talk to wife, explain you cannot live with the lack of sex, suggest counselling with a sex-positive therapist and see what happens;
Start affair with work colleague, watch it explode into some kind of disastrous emotion-filled nightmare which will damage both of your families and careers;
Seek anonymous, transactional but very satisfying sex with a FWB or a sex worker;
Leave.

yetmorecrap · 21/04/2018 17:12

Being honest here OP, do you think this interested party is a very nice person, who not only is married with kids herself, but is making approaches to someone else who is too, sounds a right charmer!!! Think on it

Gemini69 · 21/04/2018 17:12

If your unhappy.. LEAVE

If your happy... STAY

cosy intimate chats with colleagues you know fancy you.. is a bit dickish...

sadiesnakes · 21/04/2018 18:20

Are you actually asking Mumsnet for permission to go shag your work colleague?!!!😂😂😂

BuzzButterfly · 21/04/2018 18:51

Your marriage sounds very unhappy and you and your wife haven't been able to improve it. It would be better to end the marriage and THEN start seeing the other woman though.

IsItWorthItIDontKnow · 21/04/2018 18:53

What’s the definition of an ‘emotional affair’ for the unenlightened? The OP has said there’s a woman who fancies him who he has told he is married - he sounds like he’s an unwilling participant, i cant see any mention of him reciprocating? Can one person put you both in an ‘emotional affair’ surely that takes two people?

Adayindisney67 · 21/04/2018 18:57

You're already being a right dick who is having an emotional affair with a sleazy work colleague. Lapping up the attention at work while your wife slaves away at home looking after YOUR children. No wonder she is fucking exhausted and doesn't want to drop her pants to you. You're coming across rather unattractive.

If I was your wife I'd actually want to leave you!

But I'm sure your new bit will do the trick for your needs for a while

Cleavergreene · 22/04/2018 00:22

Agree. But the strident hysteria on MN won’t countenece any sensible debate in this area. The OP has been judged by the majority here to being a participant in an EA.

OP. You fundamentally have two choices; stay or leave. If you choose to stay, I think you need some tangible outcomes. "Talking about it" and "trying" aren’t outcomes. Outcomes are things like sharing the marital bed together. Movie nights together each Friday. Doing the dishes. Whatever.....but things you’re going to do to actually improve how you interact. What do you want?what outcomes will achieve this endstate?

Scott72 · 22/04/2018 02:55

"Chances are the reason your wife had a high sex drive with her ex is that she fancied him more than she does you. She is not exactly going to tell you this"

This is the simplest explanation.

" If my DH wasn't pulling his weight at home I wouldn't much "

Of course its always a good idea to be a responsible partner and do your share. But if you look at blogs and forums etc, you'll see that doing more chores usually doesn't have that much effect on a wife's libido. And I'm sure OP has tried this already, as doing more chores is the top strategy advocated on many sources.

But that's the issue. OP has been dealing with this for a while yet. I'm sure he has tried hard to try to improve the situation and has tried many strategies. But his wife really doesn't seem to be onboard. It is possible for a wife to revive her libido if she really wants to and is sympathetic to her husband. But I'm not seeing that here. There probably isn't much hope at this point.

But the other posters here are correct. Do not cheat on your wife. Not even emotional infidelity. You do not want to make yourself into the villain here. Even if you do divorce your wife you should wait at least a couple months before starting a new relationship too, otherwise it will look suspicious.

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