Co-worker is attracted to me but I'm married

[Rik10]

Hi all, first time on this site so please move this thread if it's in the wrong place.

I've been married for 10 years now and my relationship with my wife is in all honesty very non physical. Since having children we now sleep in different rooms and are only intimate if I initiate it maybe once a month. Even then it feels like my wife doesn't really want to be there with me.

I recently found out that when she was with her ex-boyfriend before me she had a really high sex drive with him but she refuses to tell me why.

I've always had a lot of attention from other women both through friends and at the workplace. Since being married I've always ignored it and made sure that nothing has happened.

I recently started a new contract and 2 women there give me a lot of attention. 1 in particular is overtly flirtatious with me, can't keep her eyes off of me and goes out of her way to compliment me.

I've told her I'm married with 2 beautiful children and she has told me that she is also married with children. She also told me that she is not too happy in her marriage right now.

On one hand I have my wife, someone I made a promise to always be with and to stand by. However it seems that she married me out of some sort of rebound from her ex boyfriend. Someone who never pays me any compliments, someone who says she wants things to get better between us but never actually makes the effort to do anything to make things better.

On the other hand I have a very attractive woman who is attracted to me but with whom any sort of relationship would be plain wrong.

I've spoken to my wife about the whole thing and all she does is brush things under the carpet and promise to make more of an effort - something that she has been promising for the past 5 or so years but has never done!

I'm physically attracted to the woman at work but my mind just wishes that my wife would take things more seriously.....

What should I do ?

OP I’ve just re-read your post and the bit where you said its been like this for 5 years!

If you’ve had repeated attempts to improve things and nothing has changed thats long enough to wait imo.

Ignore the women at work and dont have an affair. Have one last attempt to talk to your wife , be matter of fact and calm when you say this is not the kind of marriage you want (it doesnt sound like much of one), I cant imagine she would want to spend the rest of her life like this either.

If you are both serious about making an effort then have one last attempt but if that doesnt work you should have a serious discussion about separating. Be calm and rational and stay amicable if it comes to that.

Going to the brink may turn things around, or conversely it could be your wife wanting you to make the decision, but at least a decision will be made and youll be out of limbo.

Btw there are lots of threads very similar to this if thats any comfort.

Thanks all....

The reason for telling my wife about this other woman is because I've always believed that being open and honest with my wife is better than hiding things.

I've been lied to by previous partners as well as my wife and this has always had a negative affect on my relationships. I personally don't believe that hiding things is right.

It's a really horrible situation to be in - my wife ignores that our marriage is on pause and almost acts as if this is normal. She buries her head in the sand whenever I bring the subject up and either doesn't say anything or agrees with everything that I say but then never carries out anything that we've agreed on.

At the same time she doesn't want to break up either - something that I don't want either.

The woman at work isn't a threat to our relationship as such but it hurts that other women are interested in me but my own wife isn't....

Well you've changed your tone somewhat, since your thread isn't titled 'what can I do to save my failing marriage'.

But the truth is that it takes two people to save a marriage and you can't do it by yourself.

I know a number of couples who have had success reconnecting through counselling, but your wife would need to be fully on board.

If you are both committed to working things out it is entirely possible to do so.

But your dw needs to understand how close you are to the end of the line, and only you can broach that conversation. Until you do, your complaints will sound like the same idle threats and implied criticisms you've been making for five years. You need to make her understand, and you also need to listen to her because I can guarantee she has a list of complaints of her own.

OP you’re a man on mumsnet, no matter what you do or say some posters will still find a way to slaughter you. It’s very sexist

OP you’ll need to filter out a lot of these responses, it’s very common, people leaping to conclusions etc, even more so when its a man posting.

I think that this is grossly unfair and untrue. I've seen posts from women talking about having affairs and, without exception, they have been widely condemned and told to leave their husbands/partners before starting relationships with anyone else, irrespective of how happy their home life is or isn't. I've also seen many posts from men going through difficult times who have been treated with exactly the same kindness and given the same levels of support that women in the same circumstances have. It's the OP's behaviour, not his gender, which has been criticised and to suggest otherwise is disingenuous.

You are not happy with her and it’s more than possible she is not happy with you.

Forget the other women side of things and start making plans to end your marriage.
Look at the finanacial and practical side of things and whether you can afford to divorce.

Then sit down with your wife and tell her of your plans to separate because neither of you are happy. Maybe when she knows you are set on this course you will get some honesty from her as to why she no longer is in love with you.

You still need to divorce as this will never get better. She clearly says what you want to hear but for reasons of her own doesn’t follow through. At least you wil have answers. I suspect she never really loved you as you seem to suggest.

Neither of you deserve to be in a loveless marriage
Basically stop flogging a dead horse.

I recently found out that when she was with her ex-boyfriend before me she had a really high sex drive with him but she refuses to tell me why.

Do you understand that your personal sex drive is not related to who you’re with? If she currently has no sex drive, that’s nothing to do with her feelings for you. Having no sex drive is not the same as having one but not wanting to have sex with a particular person.

OP, the title of your post is "co-worker attracted to me but I'm married"; it's not "help me save my marriage" so you can't be too surprised if some people, including me, thought that maybe saving your marriage was not exactly your top priority.

Like anywhere in the real and in the virtual world, there will be people who will jump at conclusions or will come up with stupid / abusive replies. Ignore the noise and focus on the sensible replies (I totally agree with your point about emotional affairs - finding someone attractive isn't an emotional affair).

Let's assume that, despite your unfortunate choice of words, you really want to save your marriage. I would insist on counselling; it's a great way to get some honest feedback from a third party who has no prior knowledge of, or attachment to, any of you - that's why it's more valuable than feedback from family and friends who'll be more tempted to 'take sides'. How old are your children? have they picked up on the tension? Can you play the card this should be at least attempted for the sake of the family? Like I said, when relationships are broken beyond repair it may easily be in the children's bets interest if the parents separate, but at least try all the possible avenues before reaching that conclusion.

My question was what should I do - as in how do I get my wife to understand how this is making me feel so that things between us can improve?

I'd sit with your wife and tell her that you have been offered sex outside of your marriage to her.

That you want to put things right between you and her ( your wife) so that you are both happy in the marriage. That you don't want to have sex with anyone but her ( your wife)

But that if you and she can't find a way forward you are going to leave her/have sex with your work colleague/join the circus .... you fill in the gaps.

And see what happens

You might be surprised at the answers she gives you. I have a feeling

What do you want from your relationship with your wife that’s different from now? More communication? More sex? More intimacy? It sounds like these things.

It’s better to talk with your wife around these issues, rather than bringing the other women into it. Honestly, I would be feeling more insecure if you are talking about other women being attracted to you amongst all the chat about your relationship not being great. I might feel a bit powerless in this situation. Do you ask her how she’s feeling? How her work is going? How she feels about your marriage?

If she’s just agreeing with everything you were saying, I would wonder about how well you are communicating with her. Does she feel like she can’t express her feelings in your relationship? Does she feel like you value her? Does she feel that her feelings and thoughts are as valuable as yours?

Having no sex drive can be for a whole range of reasons and can be completely unrelated to how she feels about you.

My question was what should I do - as in how do I get my wife to understand how this is making me feel so that things between us can improve?

There should be give and take in a relationship. Yes it’s good to communicate how you feel, but it’s also good to find out how she is feeling. It all seems a bit one-sided from the way you describe it. But, obviously I haven’t listened in to your conversations with your wife.

She maybe does understand how you are feeling, but feels you have no interest in how she is feeling. That would definitely affect me in a relationship. What do you think Rik10?

You both need to have a long hard look at your life and what you want. Figure out what are / not deal breakers / worth separating over (i.e.) split custody, starting again etc. Only you can figure your needs out.

Set a meeting and get some childcare so you can have a serious talk. Sounds like you could both do with some counselling and if I were you I'd suggest it again.

In the meantime. Don't cheat.

How do you know this particular woman at work is "attracted" to you ?

Unless you are one of those blokes that think any woman who smiles and chats is overcome by your charm and sex appeal ?

Well aren't you just Mr. Vain. Have you ever wondered why your wife has gone off you? Bet you haven't and think it's all her fault because all these women give you attention so it must be her. Pathetic.

It's incredibly easy. Take a dick pic and a pic of your children. Put them side by side and ask yourself: who do I love more? Base your decision on your answer.

Put your children further like a man.

*first

The simple answer OP is to sit down with your wife and talk. Ask if she is ever likely to be into sex with you. If the answer is no, then you probably need to part ways. Not much more to it really. If she refuses to talk, well there perhaps also is your answer.
An alternative is to have a few flings on the side to satisfy your cravings. I personally don’t see an issue with this if you wife won’t have sex with you. It could revitalise your marriage as well.

There you go, op. You got the reply you were after. Go forth and pork away....your conscience can be clear.

🤔

@MinaPaws

I need to pour bleach into my eyes now

Great post 😂😂

OP - ignore the people who are convinced you're in an EA (it doesn't sound like it) and the people who seem to think you're asking for permission to have an affair.

You sound like a typical bloke who's wondering why their OH no longer seems interested in them. If you search you'll find lots of threads like this, a lot of the same phrases come up each time 'there's no affection, no intimacy, we live like housemates blah blah" you're not the first in this situation to post looking for advice. It's never just about the sex either, it's all the other things that make up a fulfilling relationship that have gone missing along the way.

If you could have worded it more carefully, and been a woman posting, you would have got a lot more constructive helpful advice. Women also post about this subject, husbands no longer fancying them, husbands not interested in sex etc and often get much more sympathetic responses.

Having said that if you can filter out the nonsense there is a lot of useful advice posted.

You need to have one more serious discussion with your wife. If you've been trying for 5 years it's worth one final attempt! It doesn't sound like a fulfilling marriage and I would think you're wife is not happy with the situation either so something has to change. You have to be clear you're not happy with things as they are and don't want to spend the rest of your days like this, I'm sure your wife doesn't either.

As others have said both need to make an effort and be committed to wanting to improve things though. Assuming you both don't want to separate discuss open and honestly what the issues are and agree a plan to improve things, and set a time e.g. 4 weeks in the future to see if things have improved. Don't just leave it open ended as it sounds like you've been through this before and carried on in limbo for a long time.

Good luck and hope you come to some kind of resolution.

Get up and pick your child up . Look at them as they sit there. If you do anything to change this be very sure your willing to give this up....
Offer to do bedtime tonight and for the next few nights... now will you be happy with this once every 14 days....
You will need to hand over 1/4 of your wages... and the bitterness you create will it be worth sex.... is it a fair exchange...

Op still hasn't said how he knows this woman (and all the others who cross his sexy path) definitely fancies him.

You have choices.

1. Try and fix your marriage...though it doesn't sound like your wife can be bothered.

1. Remain unhappy with minimal intimacy

1. Discuss an open marriage for both of you. Perhaps your wife just saw you as stable and now she has kids she can't be bothered with sex. You may be correct about being a rebound...ask her. You have a lot more life to live based on life expectancy...don't be miserable.

To be fair we don't know anything about OP's dw.

It might be the case that he's been banging his head against a brick wall for years, with his dw taking him for granted and disinterested in improving the marriage.

Or she may feel that his complaints are unfounded, or that his suggestions focus too heavily on what she needs to do or change, or that he hasn't listened to or acted upon her complaints, or that she can't compete with the steady stream of women who fancy him.

None of us know, but we do know that he needs to end the marriage honourably if he decides on that course of action.