Co-worker is attracted to me but I'm married

[Rik10]

Hi all, first time on this site so please move this thread if it's in the wrong place.

I've been married for 10 years now and my relationship with my wife is in all honesty very non physical. Since having children we now sleep in different rooms and are only intimate if I initiate it maybe once a month. Even then it feels like my wife doesn't really want to be there with me.

I recently found out that when she was with her ex-boyfriend before me she had a really high sex drive with him but she refuses to tell me why.

I've always had a lot of attention from other women both through friends and at the workplace. Since being married I've always ignored it and made sure that nothing has happened.

I recently started a new contract and 2 women there give me a lot of attention. 1 in particular is overtly flirtatious with me, can't keep her eyes off of me and goes out of her way to compliment me.

I've told her I'm married with 2 beautiful children and she has told me that she is also married with children. She also told me that she is not too happy in her marriage right now.

On one hand I have my wife, someone I made a promise to always be with and to stand by. However it seems that she married me out of some sort of rebound from her ex boyfriend. Someone who never pays me any compliments, someone who says she wants things to get better between us but never actually makes the effort to do anything to make things better.

On the other hand I have a very attractive woman who is attracted to me but with whom any sort of relationship would be plain wrong.

I've spoken to my wife about the whole thing and all she does is brush things under the carpet and promise to make more of an effort - something that she has been promising for the past 5 or so years but has never done!

I'm physically attracted to the woman at work but my mind just wishes that my wife would take things more seriously.....

What should I do ?

I can’t believe someone is actually posing this on Relationships as if it’s a terribly complicated dilemma.

What is the question? If you want "permission" to cheat with your colleague, this is the least obvious forum to ask for it!

Are you asking for advice to get your marriage back on track? That's not what the tone of your post seems to imply.

First of all, think of your children. While I am convinced that there are situations where parents may do their children more harm than good when they stay together even though the relationship is broken beyond repair, is this really your case?

You have spoken to your wife. But have you considered counselling? Is she a stay at home mum or does she work? Are house chores shared equally? What are the top concerns on your wife's mind? I don't know, work house kids... Anything you can do to help her there?

I say this as a man, but the tone of your post seems to imply that the problem is with your wife and that she refuses to fix it. This may well be the case, I clearly don't know you, but do ask yourself if that is really the case, and if there is something YOU could do, too. And don't discard counselling - there is nothing wrong in seeking external help.

Do you pay your wife compliments?

Where did the op go?

"You're already being a right dick who is having an emotional affair with a sleazy work colleague. Lapping up the attention at work while your wife slaves away at home looking after YOUR children. No wonder she is fucking exhausted and doesn't want to drop her pants to you. You're coming across rather unattractive.

If I was your wife I'd actually want to leave you!

But I'm sure your new bit will do the trick for your needs for a while"

Wow.... charming....

I'm not having an emotional affair with anyone, I find her physically attractive - she's a good looking woman, as are a number of women that I speak to, am friends with, work with, models, TV celebs - the list is endless. If finding someone attractive is having an emotional affair with them, I think the whole world and it's friend has at some point had an emotional affair with someone or the other!!!!

You also have no idea of the relationship between my wife and me and so I'd be a lot less judgemental before making stereotypical assumptions - she does no slaving whatsoever, I generally look after the kids when we get home after work or on the weekends while she continues to work (from home) in the evenings....

My question was not "should I have an affair or not" If I wanted to do that, I'd have jumped into bed with a number of women years ago and kept going in this way.... My question was what should I do - as in how do I get my wife to understand how this is making me feel so that things between us can improve?

As I said previously said in my post - I've tried talking to my wife but she brushes things under the carpet, doesn't have the time to talk, is too busy working or plain simply doesn't want to talk about the whole issue.

@ExhaustedFaher

What is the question? If you want "permission" to cheat with your colleague, this is the least obvious forum to ask for it! - Not what I'm after

Are you asking for advice to get your marriage back on track? That's not what the tone of your post seems to imply. - Yes

First of all, think of your children. While I am convinced that there are situations where parents may do their children more harm than good when they stay together even though the relationship is broken beyond repair, is this really your case?

You have spoken to your wife. But have you considered counselling? Is she a stay at home mum or does she work? Are house chores shared equally? What are the top concerns on your wife's mind? I don't know, work house kids... Anything you can do to help her there? - Have suggested counselling but she just says we don't need it. We both work in god jobs but she has bitten a lot more than she can chew for the past 3 years with a new job. She is constantly working, rushing things so that she has more time to finish off her work priorities. I don't expect her to leave her job for the sake of 'jumping into bed with me' but at the same time, we literally have nothing to talk about anymore because we spend such little time actually 'with' each other.

I say this as a man, but the tone of your post seems to imply that the problem is with your wife and that she refuses to fix it. This may well be the case, I clearly don't know you, but do ask yourself if that is really the case, and if there is something YOU could do, too. And don't discard counselling - there is nothing wrong in seeking external help. - I've tried talking to her, suggested counselling, I do the housework so that she has more time to do he work, do as much as I can and literally can't think of anything else to do. I've spoken to her seriously and asked if she still wants to be in our relationship and her response is always a deffo yes. I actually do believe this but I just don't understand why she doesn't want to make things better between us.

reading through the posts I'm not sure what I've started here - it's not just about the sex.... I said that because it's something that I don't understand in my head - i.e. why would she want her ex so much more than me but the still marry me anyway?

Although the sex is part of it, It's not just that, she's just not there emotionally at all. We'll sometimes sit in the same rom and literally have nothing to talk about anymore. There are a number of other reasons for this, totally unrelated to sex or other women etc, but at the same time, if she want's to make our marriage work, why doesn't she make any effort at all?

What could I do (other than what I already have done) to get our marriage working again?

Can everyone please stop using co-worker instead of colleague. It's rife on MN and I don't believe all of the people using the word are American.

Just to add - I've always been open with my wife about everything, I've told her about the attention that I get from other women including this one but her response was to say "I think she's just weird" and that's it..... Rather than deal with anything she just ignores it so that she doesn't need to think about it.

My ex used our reduced sex life as a reason for his affair. He too wanted things to change it he wasn’t ever prepared to do any changing himself. Sex and intimacy, for me at least, are connected to the whole relationship. You need to look very carefully at how you treat her generally.

What are your motives regarding telling her about attention from other women? It sounds like you’re trying to make her feel insecure.

Good god some of you should be embarrassed by your replies

OP you’re a man on mumsnet, no matter what you do or say some posters will still find a way to slaughter you. It’s very sexist

I must be completely missing the point because NO WHERE in your post makes me think you’re having an emotional affair?! You’ve been open and told your wife everything

You can only try so much.
Either you tell your wife she starts making the effort TODAY and you go counselling. If that doesn’t work, or if she still doesn’t make any effort, then you leave

Life is too short to be stuck in a marriage with somebody who won’t make the effort. You could be happier elsewhere. You already know you receive attention off other women, it’s not as if you’d be leaving your wife for a life of loneliness. Staying with her with the current circumstances is what will lead to loneliness.

OP you’ll need to filter out a lot of these responses, it’s very common, people leaping to conclusions etc, even more so when its a man posting.

I didnt understand the EA assumption i read it as you giving some context to show that other women find you attractive but your wife apparently no longer does.

You need to have another conversation with your wife and be brutally honest , if you dont want to spend the rest of your life like this then you need to say this again.

It may be a bad patch which can be fixed if both make an effort, but both people have to commit - the do more chores advice etc is often given but imo is a red herring there are likely to be more fundamental issues (e.g. the lack of physical affection, sleeping in separate rooms would concern me, although there are people who say separate rooms works for them).

If nothing changes you have some serious decisions to make , but dont carry on in limbo indefintely. Good luck

I think that you telling your wife about other women finding you attractive is counter productive. All it will be doing is saying to her " look how many women I can have". I feel like this isn't your intention but it will be knocking her self confidence massively.
She may have emotionally checked out because she's scared of being hurt by you if you cheat with these other women.
How do you show your wife how you feel about her?
Do you ever just do something nice for no reason, ever tell her she looks nice randomly etc.
I don't worry about my dp straying because he shows me how he feels in lots of tiny ways that make me feel loved and secure.

Fix your marriage or leave it - don't cheat.

It sounds like she's being too focussed on her job and presumably the kids too, leaving no time for you. Sex doesn't take long but building up the intimacy does and she seems to be neglecting that.

The only thing that I can suggest is that you start doing things as a couple a few times a month. Do a sport together once a a week and go on a few dates. Don't make a big deal out of it or say it's to help fix your marriage, just put it forward as a fun proposal. Hopefully, it'll build your intimacy up gradually, give you something to talk about, laugh etc.

If your question was really only about how to make your wife understand and how to improve things with her then why would the subject of a woman at work even enter into it if you're not starting to think of her in more intimate terms than a work colleague?

Yeah because telling her you find other women attractive will do the trick SMH..

Well I'm sorry you don't like my blunt opinion. But you have two options..

Leave or try again, which by the sounds of it you've exhausted.

Your wife*

Don't use this woman as a stick to beat your wife with. Why tell her? I assume to make yourself look good and her deficient. At least that is how it reads to me.

You can't make your wife do anything different or feel differently. If you have already addressed what she might want you to do differently, and nothing has changed, you need to decide whether you accept that or not. Apparently if you get to the twenty year point fairly happily things improve from there. If not I would separate sooner rather than later.

What 'effort' do you want your wife to make, and are you making the same effort for her.

Because what you've said here is that you both go out to work and then she comes home and works some more.

You take care of the children so say she does no 'slaving' but it doesn't sound like she's lazing around relaxing either, she's still working.

And then you tell her about all the other women who find you attactive. I was almost reluctant to keep reading your posts in case your attractiveness had me drooling on my keyboard.

There are lots of reasons why her sex drive might have dropped off, including being told all the time how many other women fancy you.

To me, she sounds knackered after working all day, all evening, and all weekend, and then listening to you tell her that she has to fix things so you don't have to look at women at work.

What do you actually do to help her have something to talk to you about? Do you ever go out together? Do you both get equal amounts of time to do something alone that you enjoy (other than look at other women and think about ex-boyfriends)? Does she have a life outside of work and family and your disappointment?

Because it doesn't sound like she wants to talk to you about your admirers and you've not really given us much else that she has.

You're complaining that you don't feel emotionally close and that's an issue in itself as far as sex is concerned. I wouldn't want to have sex with someone I didn't feel close to and who keeps going on about other woman who would appreciate the opportunity so I need to up my game.

Also contraception could be an issue. Some women feel a big drop in sex drive becaus of the contraception so perhaps if this could be the reason it might be time for you to take the responsibility for contraception instead.

There could be a thousand reasons really but you're not going to know until you talk to your wife properly, perhaps consider counselling, if not for both of you then just for you.

You seem to think your wife has to do most of the work here but I think taking a look at yourself might help you communicate better.

OP in your shoes I would have one last talk with my spouse. Tell them that I think the marriage has run it’s course and maybe we should talk about splitting up.

Don’t mention work colleagues and whatnot. I couldn’t live in a situation what you’re describing at all.

Or you could suggest taking it back to basics and start dating again. Sometimes it can bring all those old feelings to the surface and get the bond back.

Act now though because once you go into affair territory you’ll be the one firmly in the wrong all by yourself. The right way means nobodies in the wrong and can have the least impact on your family.

Hi OP
Perhaps your wife is tired?or depressed,is she a sahm who wants to go back to work?is she worried about not returning to pre baby weight(she may have,I'm just looking at all possible avenues,no insult intended)there could be all manner of things affecting her libido and until you sit down and ask her to tell you how she really feels you won't know.If she is brushing it under the carpet then there definitely is something wrong somewhere.
Make a real effort to listen,put a hundred per cent into understanding her.
Ignore the women at work..going after a married father is below the belt and that where their morals lay.
Instead concentrate on your wife.hopefully if she realizes you are really listening she will open up.
Good luck

Take the other woman out of the equation, completely out of your head and certainly out of any conversations with your wife as she is a complete red herring. As you seem very clear that you want your marriage, but want more out of it than is currently there, focus on trying to fix it. Honestly, it sounds broken right now - no intimacy, no sex, sepeeste rooms, no time for each other. That's not a marriage, that's a house share. You need to work from the ground up, like a new relationship. Sex is not the first issue to resolve. If anything, it's the final thing that should fit beautifully into place once you've built or rebuilt the foundations of the relationship. Start by communicating with her and romancing her, make more quality time for each other and work up from there. Bear in mind though it just may not be meant to be between the two of you and if you reach a point where that is the only logical conclusion then seriously consider ending it so you both have the chance of finding happiness with someone more compatible.

You can't compare a previous BF. I remember the wild times of living pre marriage if I wanted to lay in bed eating ice cream all day with my BF I could. Having dc and all that domestic minuate to deal with is what kills quite a lot of relationships. That BF became my DH and life is far less wilder now. People that really love each other will put up with the troughs and sorting out the gas bill together.

Trying to make her jealous by talking about the other women, well I suppose depending on each of our personality types will mean a different response. I can't think of a positive one to that. would imagine many women would just then feel bad about themselves and upset. Personally I would be roasting your balls if you tried to manipulate me like that but that's my personality type.

Instead of showing her what a prize you are how about trying to talk to her again and often because it may take some time.