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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I be concerned that DH has binned our dinner and driven off in a strop?

94 replies

PestoMonster · 13/05/2007 18:02

DH only cooks for us a couple of days a week, and today he was rustling up a roast dinner. DD's have been fighting & bickering all day so he split them up. One seated by front door, the other on the landing. Anyway, he eventually releases them (with a warning to stay away from each other. I go into our spare room (where they had been playing) and ask one of them to tidy up. This sets them both off screaming & shouting again and DH says they are NOT to help me tidy up, it can be done later (to save the peace). I say, I don't want to have to supervise them clearing up later on in the evening (I will want to relax at the end of the day), so he screams that I am being too controlling and says that's it, he's off out of here! He says you won't want this will you? And promptly bins the roast dinner . Then he storms off in his car (he's had a couple of glasses of wine). DD1 screaming and crying and trying to clear up mess, saying she would have, but Daddy wouldn't let her.

Anyway, dds cleared up, I cleared up the pans & roasting trays, cooked another tea and all is calm. DH hasn't come back yet. I am afraid of his reaction when he does. TBH he is rather prone to sulking and may now not speak to me for days. Any ideas on how to handle him when he comes home?

OP posts:

rowan1971 · 13/05/2007 18:04

Blimey. Is he always like this? Sounds like he has proper anger issues to me. This is a two-year-old-style tantrum, surely?

If I were you, I'd be mighty peed off, never mind him sulking at you.

penmack · 13/05/2007 18:06

sounds like hes thrown a major tantrum and left you to pick up the pieces. i'd be pretty narked if it was me. have you thought about locking the door so he can't actually get back in? having 2 argueing kids in the house is no picnic but stropping off isnt really setting a good example to them is it

Carmenere · 13/05/2007 18:06

Why on earth would he not speak to you?? What incredibly childish behaviour?? You do realise that he is teaching your dc's that this is an asseptible way of behaving. I would be furious with him tbh.

MaureenMLove · 13/05/2007 18:07

I've got a DH just like that! My advice, stay out of his way. He will slowly and surely start talking again. If you try to talk to him, when he is still in a mood, it will cause more problems.

Sorry that you didn't get your roastie and sorry that you have to end the weekend on a bloody row!

belgo · 13/05/2007 18:08

Gosh, your dh is supposed to be the adult! He should be ashamed of behaving that way.

Original poster

PestoMonster · 13/05/2007 18:08

He doesn't do this often, but he has done it before when he slammed DD1's fingers in our front gate (in a temper) and then refused to apologise to her and stormed off in the car that time saying how he was always being made out to be the bad guy (even though no one had said anything) .

OP posts:

Boco · 13/05/2007 18:09

My dp used to behave like this when he was depressed. He once hurled the entire contents of the freezer into the back garden during a basil fawlty tantrum. He's much better now. I had to just keep away from him until he calmed down, then he was always a bit embarrassed about it.

rowan1971 · 13/05/2007 18:09

Good lord. at your DD's poor fingers.

What's he like when he's not behaving like a complete idiot?

ConnieDescending · 13/05/2007 18:09

I'd be absolutely seething. Does he often do things like this?

DoorstoManual · 13/05/2007 18:09

Be coldly polite, as and when he returns.

The DC will not know the difference, but he will.

Sounds like a case of arrested development. TBH

LittleMouseWithCLogsOn · 13/05/2007 18:10

is he over the limit
we had a row like ths in court recently

DoorstoManual · 13/05/2007 18:11

OMG at her fingers.................

Will not say leave him, leave him, but would suggest withdrawing you and your children from his life for a while.

Original poster

PestoMonster · 13/05/2007 18:11

Well, I'm relatively calm now. I was mad at the time. But we've had a good tea (me & dds) and calmly watching Little House on the Prairie on dvd. But I am just worried about the moodiness when he returns and also that he will be trying to make life difficult for me as he does like to always have someone to blame iykwim.

OP posts:

raspberryberet · 13/05/2007 18:12

He sounds vile.

Sorry, but he really does.

Behaving like that to his children is shameful.

How much has he had to drink? Is it the booze that's the problem?

LucyJones · 13/05/2007 18:13

your poor dd's.
really hope he's not over the limit

TinyGang · 13/05/2007 18:13

The fingers in the gate sounds painful.

It's frustration and stress by the sounds of it.

We generally chug along but there's something about Sundays for some reason. If we're going to have a row it'll be on a Sunday - usually in the winter when it gets dark and we've all been together all day and the Monday deadline looms.

Too much pressure to be the perfect family enjoying each other perhaps.

luckylady74 · 13/05/2007 18:15

do you really want the truth? you posted so you did i assume? trashing dinner, storming off/out and not speaking - i know lots of teenagers that wouln't do this. he must have lots of good points because if you put up with that it's akin to being walked all over. i would say i was deeply worried about the state of your relationship if you feel this is an acceptable way to behave towards me and the dc and i expect an apology and if i didn't get one i'd start making serious moves towards counselling. if i'm told that's overeacting then i'm sorry, but no one would be allowed to get away with that and i'm shocked that someone would do it in the first place.

PeachyChocolateEClair · 13/05/2007 18:16

I'd have called the Police and told them he ahd been drinking adn was now driving. And i'd have zero sympathy with him if he was picked up.

Sounds like he was trying to create a row, posibly related to a few drinks. If its a one off wait and see if he comes back / and have a chat, if not I'd be asking what he was hoping to achieve 9and where he has gone).

i wouldn't accept it in either circumstance though.

penmack · 13/05/2007 18:18

i agree with lucky lady . this behaviour just isnt acceptable. perhaps you should really think about conselling.

PeachesMcLean · 13/05/2007 18:18

My husband occasionally sulks. It's infuriating and childish. I usually try and ignore him whilst he's not talking to me. Trying to coax him out of it causes more problems than it's worth. However, I do take the piss out him mercilessly when he is finally talking to me again, and point out what an idiot he was being. Much more satisfying.

Hurting your daughter is unacceptable though and after he's calmed down, he should be made to realise it.

Poor you.

Original poster

PestoMonster · 13/05/2007 18:19

Thank you, I don't think it is the drink that's done it. I think it's because he chooses not to get involved with the dds most of the time during the week (using work as an excuse) and then when he is faced with family life he can't really handle the day-to-day bantering, arguing etc that goes on. (there's only 2 years between them, so there is lots of sibling rivalry).

I'm just worried about him coming home and taking it out on me tbh. He does always like someone to blame.

OP posts:

PeachyChocolateEClair · 13/05/2007 18:23

Please define taking it out on me.....

Look sweetheart if you're seriously scared about him coming home then he's being abusive, you don't actually have to touch anyone to do that, psychological is evil.

Womens Aid is a good forst stop for advice (see their website) but we're here too

luckylady74 · 13/05/2007 18:24

so essentially you're a single mum who has to deal with another child at the weekend? i can't imagine dreading my dh coming home - not that he's perfect, but i'm not scared of him and that's what your post seemed to suggest.
would you feel better if you told us some of the positives about your dh?

warthog · 13/05/2007 18:24

doorstomanual -children DO know the difference when the atmosphere is frosty and that's not healthy either.

i would not have cleaned up his mess, i would have taken the dc's out for tea, so already you've done him a favour. i think he needs to apologise. i'd quietly and calmly tell him when he gets home that his behaviour is setting a VERY bad example and he needs to learn how to control his anger.

but don't allow his sulks. carry on as though everything was normal - not frosty politeness but ignore his strop. he wants you to relent and plead for his forgiveness. no way!

penmack · 13/05/2007 18:24

pestomonster when it gets to the point that you are worried about whats going to happen when your dh gets home then i think it is obvious you have a real problem. hes sulked off like a five year old and your worrying about what he'll do/say when he gets back!

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