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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I be concerned that DH has binned our dinner and driven off in a strop?

94 replies

PestoMonster · 13/05/2007 18:02

DH only cooks for us a couple of days a week, and today he was rustling up a roast dinner. DD's have been fighting & bickering all day so he split them up. One seated by front door, the other on the landing. Anyway, he eventually releases them (with a warning to stay away from each other. I go into our spare room (where they had been playing) and ask one of them to tidy up. This sets them both off screaming & shouting again and DH says they are NOT to help me tidy up, it can be done later (to save the peace). I say, I don't want to have to supervise them clearing up later on in the evening (I will want to relax at the end of the day), so he screams that I am being too controlling and says that's it, he's off out of here! He says you won't want this will you? And promptly bins the roast dinner . Then he storms off in his car (he's had a couple of glasses of wine). DD1 screaming and crying and trying to clear up mess, saying she would have, but Daddy wouldn't let her.

Anyway, dds cleared up, I cleared up the pans & roasting trays, cooked another tea and all is calm. DH hasn't come back yet. I am afraid of his reaction when he does. TBH he is rather prone to sulking and may now not speak to me for days. Any ideas on how to handle him when he comes home?

OP posts:

LazyLine · 13/05/2007 18:26

How long has he been gone, PM? How much did he have to drink? Hope you are okay.

Original poster

PestoMonster · 13/05/2007 18:26

Oh no, I didn't mean physical abuse. I think it's just the mental thing of either being blanked or spoken to not-very-nicley. Just a bit worried, that's all. I hate confrontation, so was thinking I should just carry on being my normal self and pretend all is well. I do feel a heck of a lot calmer now that he's not here tbh!

OP posts:

raspberryberet · 13/05/2007 18:27

How does he take it out on you? You have me worried now.

It sounds like a horrendous way to live, and for your children to be involved so much is awful.

raspberryberet · 13/05/2007 18:28

OK, cross posted.

But abuse isn't only physical. And it's not only you who is suffering; it's abusive to your children as well for him to treat you all this way.

Original poster

PestoMonster · 13/05/2007 18:30

He went at about 4.30pm, don't know where. I expect he'll probably not come back until after dds have gone to bed (about 8.00pm). As for the wine, I think he'd just had a couple of glasses whilst cooking. So hopefully not over limit.

The time when he hurt dd1's hand & stormed off, he was gone for the whole day and I didn't find out till weeks later that he'd gone to the New Forest for the day

OP posts:

penmack · 13/05/2007 18:30

pm when you feel better when your other half isnt there then its probably a sign that things either need sorting out properly (through counselling etc) or its time to move on. no one should be worried about their husband coming home and saying nasty things to someone is abuse

SherlockLGJ · 13/05/2007 18:37

Warthog

DTM here.

You are quite right but a frosty atomosphere every so often never did anyone any long term harm.

If this is a regular occurence then the OP needs to review the situation. IMO

yoyoma · 13/05/2007 18:40

This sounds terrible. If my dh ever did anything to hurt my ds id seriously consider doing something about it, getting rid of him. Slamming your dd fingers in a gate sounds really bad

kimi · 13/05/2007 18:52

Sounds like the man is at the end of his tether.
You could point out to him that behaving like a child will not help, and if he goes off in the car again after drinking you will call the police.

lou33 · 13/05/2007 18:53

did he slam them on purpose?

compo · 13/05/2007 18:53

where do you think he's gone though? Is he contactable by mobile?
Will he carry on drinking and the drive home?

Saturn74 · 13/05/2007 18:54

Only skimmed through the thread, so apologies if this is repetitious of other posts.
It sounds like your DH is perhaps scared of his own anger (like today) and of stressful situations (when he accidentally hurt your DD's fingers), and therefore storms away until he has calmed down.

Idreamofdaleks · 13/05/2007 18:59

Family therapy worth a try?

fireflyfairy2 · 13/05/2007 19:00

Was the gate slamming incident an accident? As I can't possibly see why/how a parent would be so intentionally cruel.

Let him calm down. Why didn't he want the girls to tidy up?

You deserve one day off

Does he have a mobile with him? I'm not sure, though I know if it were me I wouldn't try & call him, though I know others who would.

I am in an awful mood today. I told dh to leave me alone as I am stressed to the hilt & I would take it out on him.. so he lay on top of me on the bed & started breathing in my face So then when I lost the head he asked what was wrong Do even warning people sometimes doesn't work!!

Was he in a bad mood before he threw the dinner in the bin? Had anything happened leading up to the row?

Original poster

PestoMonster · 13/05/2007 19:01

Humphrey, I think you're right. He doesn't know how to handle these sorts of situations and doesn't trust himself when angry, which is why I believe he's disappeared. I've no idea where he's gone. We don't have family near us and DH doesn't really have any mates apart from work ones. I do know, howver, that he won't drink any more, coz he never drinks & drives. But that's why I was concerned aswell as he definitely has had more than 1 glass of red this afternoon.

OP posts:

powder28 · 13/05/2007 19:03

Many's the time Ive thrown away the dinner in a strop, and then told dh to f*ck off out of the house. He never goes though. Once I locked him out and when i looked he was asleep in the conservatory so I had to let him in.

When he comes back just pretend it didnt happen and try to have a laugh about it. That's what I normally do. As well as feeling really hungry cos i threw the dinner away.

compo · 13/05/2007 19:04

When he comes back I would encouragehim to go to the gp and get a referral for an anger management course. It is not on to disappear like this because he is afriad of what he would do when angry

Mum2FunkyDude · 13/05/2007 19:05

Well all I can say is, that you probably knew what he was like before you married him, so if this is the first time this has happened I would say poor you, but it sounds as if he's a regular, and in that case all I could say is good luck, you might need it when he gets back tonight. Hope he cools off a bit, it sounds as if he was pushed to his limits today.

compo · 13/05/2007 19:05

sorry totally disagree with the 'pretend it didn't happen' line of thought. Why should you just laugh about it and let him think it's an acceptable way to behave. That won't teach yoyr dd's anything about how to deal with their emotions and what happens when something bigger hapens and he goes for longer maybe...

Miaou · 13/05/2007 19:06

Pesto I'm really shocked by your dh's behaviour, but I do kind of recognise it. A few years ago dh was behaving in a similar fashion all the time - what neither he nor I realised was that he was suffering from depression and was not (as we both separately assumed) just turning into a grumpy bastard! We very nearly split up due to the constant arguments/atmosphere/blaming game going on, but fortunately he sought help and we are stronger than ever now. He still has really bad times (is going through one just now) - but we both recognise the signs and symptoms and are getting good at dealing with it in a constructive manner.

HOWEVER - all this is only possible because dh realised that he needed help and was prepared to seek it and follow it through. I have to say it took him several years and us nearly separating before he did anything about it.

Not sure if this is helpful to you to hear just now - but I suppose that what I am saying is his behaviour does not sound normal and that it has all the symptoms of depression.

(((()))))

Original poster

PestoMonster · 13/05/2007 19:06

Firefairy, we were all in a good mood today, just that dds been indoors for most of it and inevitably start trying to kill each other (just wouldn't stop arguing & bickering). He hasn't taken his mobile. Just as well, I wouldn't know what to say to him.

The gate incident, yes we think it was intentional. It was again because we were trying to go out for an afternoon fruit-picking a couple of Summers ago and DDs were bickering and he couldnt handle it. So when dd1 was following him through the gate to the car, he flung it back shut on her in temper.

OP posts:

fireflyfairy2 · 13/05/2007 19:06

I wouldn't ignore it either, it needs to be addressed.

pickledpear · 13/05/2007 19:07

well i guess when you are with the girls all day everyday you can tune off as i do when driving and mine the same age gap bicker however my ExDH could not drive 100 yards without stopping and shouting at them to shut up where he not used to it.
Sulking was a speciality especially if i wanted a girls night out so i never bothered to go anywhere.
i am sure he has gone to sit a reflect on situation and will be home soon perhaps he will ignore you but at least he will be home safely

lou33 · 13/05/2007 19:07

i'm really shocked he would do that on purpose!

Saturn74 · 13/05/2007 19:07

It is important that he seeks some counselling for dealing with his anger and stress, I think.
For his sake, for yours, and most importantly, for the sake of your children.

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