Should I be concerned that DH has binned our dinner and driven off in a strop?

[PestoMonster]

DH only cooks for us a couple of days a week, and today he was rustling up a roast dinner. DD's have been fighting & bickering all day so he split them up. One seated by front door, the other on the landing. Anyway, he eventually releases them (with a warning to stay away from each other. I go into our spare room (where they had been playing) and ask one of them to tidy up. This sets them both off screaming & shouting again and DH says they are NOT to help me tidy up, it can be done later (to save the peace). I say, I don't want to have to supervise them clearing up later on in the evening (I will want to relax at the end of the day), so he screams that I am being too controlling and says that's it, he's off out of here! He says you won't want this will you? And promptly bins the roast dinner . Then he storms off in his car (he's had a couple of glasses of wine). DD1 screaming and crying and trying to clear up mess, saying she would have, but Daddy wouldn't let her.

Anyway, dds cleared up, I cleared up the pans & roasting trays, cooked another tea and all is calm. DH hasn't come back yet. I am afraid of his reaction when he does. TBH he is rather prone to sulking and may now not speak to me for days. Any ideas on how to handle him when he comes home?

Normally I agree londonmama but when he (as the OP said) deleiberately hurt their child the scenario changes somewhat and I'm afraid for me there would be no going back

Hi I@m back (and so is he, but upstairs and avoiding me).
Aloha & Chocolateface, when the gate thing happened I think it just happened in temper and did not really mean to hurt her. He went off for whole day, came back & asked me how's DD1? I told him to ask her. He did, and then he did say sorry to her. It was, however, about 8 hours after the event then, so not that satisfactory. (if I had done it, I personally would have been mortified that I'd hurt my dd and would have not been able to apologise, assist, sort her out enough)

As for his mother, thing is his parents both died years ago, coz they had him later on in life. His eldest sister was 22 when he was born, and the other was in her late teens. The older sis, who I see from time to time says DH was really spoiled as a child, not like she & her sister were treated. She seems to still feel resentful of that even now that the parents are long gone. (DH was 18 when his dad died)

Pesto, your DH does sound like a spoiled child, although I didn't want to say that earlier. My father was a bit like this having tantrums, and he was a much loved, very spoilt only child. I really don't have any advice on how you can change your DH, or if he can be changed atall. If you know your DD's squabling sets him off, then it might be an idea to try and make sure things run as smoothly as possible when DH is around. Far easier said than done, I know.
I suspect there are married men like this all over the country. - And many of them wouldn't bother cookiing lunch!

Thanks Chocolateface, I think you have been very helpful. I do try and keep dds from annoying him too much, but it is hard especially as he works from home from one of the bedrooms, so in the week we're constantly having to try and keep things quietish in the house. It's infuriating, but we do do our best. I'm hoping he doesn't think I'm angry with him, but I'm loathe to go up now and disturb him, coz I think it will set him off. Sleep on it methinks!

maybe you should ask him why he behaves like this, he has to have an answer to that, if not i think it would be a good idea to ask well is it being under pressure that makes you behave like this or is it because you are feel down etc. i would try & reasure him that it's something you want to help with & stop happening as it isn't a very good example to be setting the children and you find it very upsetting.

if he wasn't for talking after approaching him about it, i'd leave him to think things over and ask him again another day.

PestoMonster - why shouldn't you be angry with him? He has behaved like a complete and utter twat.

So what if he works at home? Why should you all have to creep around him? It's your home as well!

For goodness sake, can't you see how controlling he is? He is a spoilt brat and expects you all to treat him as the most important person in your house.

Quite apart from the fact that this is ridiculous behaviour from an adult, just what is it teaching your children?

I think you really have to stop behaving like a doormat and address this.

So if he inadvertently kills one of the kids because he can't deal with his anger issues, that'll be ok then?

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I have to say this does not sound right, my father was like this and you shouldn't be having to tiptoe around your husband in case he loses his tempter.

you know, DH was like this a bit when he was severely depressed (not hurting kids- he'd be minus gonads and and us if that was the case) but the whole tiptoeing thing etc (he works nights so is also in house)

However, he still had a responsibility to sort himself and maanged to or I would have ahd to leave, mucg as I love him. He knew that too.

Thanks for messages of support everyone. I am being the grown-up as usual and carrying on as normal and DH is avoiding us. He didn't get up until we were just setting off for school and didn't come and say 'hello' to the girls like he normally would. However, he did say 'goodbye' when we said goodbye. He was eating his breakfast. I have spoken to him (although not about the incident for fear of stirring up all his wrath again) and he has been civil so I suppose that's a start. Luckily I am busy this morning and shall try and pop out to gym when it's time for lunch. Girls are fine today... back to their usual bickering!!

good for you. don't play his childish games!

Thanks Warthog! I'm off now to wrap some of dd1's birthday presents.

Have you considered the possibility that the bickering etc between the girls might actually be related to the stress level in the house - that is, not the cause of the oroblem, but the result of it?

Children are emotional barometers, and pick up the vibes in the home very quickly and behave accordingly - it is subconcious, not deliberate.

Their behaviour is not likely to improve until your DH improves his.

On a very ahrsh note (and i'm sorry but just playing Devils Advocate) are you aware that should his temper implose and something ahppen (including for example a neighbour contacting SS or the girls telling a teacher) then you'd also be in potential truble for not acting already on this? you DO have a responsibility in all this to the kids. If they're witnessing all this they will think thats what makes a normal relationship- do you want the same for them?