Silly..but AIBU

[Totallyfugly]

Very silly one, sorry.

I’m really bad at being annoyed. My parents would never allow me to express feelings and sometimes I don’t know if my feelings are justified.

This is very stupid but...my Boyf and I have plans for a weekend away. Our first one, we have to leave very early on Saturday and the plan was to spend Friday together at his house which is close to the station and watch a film or whatever.

We have been texting all day and I’ve just ended my last message with “cool, see you tomorrow”

His response is “I’ve been dragged to a boxing match and so do you want to just come over at 11pm?”

It takes me an hour to get there - train and bus so would have to leave at 10pm.

I feel annoyed! He’s:

1. Just cancelled our plans without even really mentioning it.
2. Expecting me to sit around and then travel late to see him
3. Hasn’t apologised about that

Is this feeling reasonable? It’s a new relationship- my ex was really controlling and I’m scared of letting someone walk over me so don’t want to be too weak at the start.

Am I being pathetic??

Have you expressed your feelings as to why you are annoyed??

Maybe he doesn't realise the effect it has on you

I’m confused - isn’t tomorrow Thursday so he’s asking you to come a day early? Sorry if I’ve totally misread!

I would text him saying:

Sorry, not really comfortable doing that, what if you're late back because you get 'dragged out' for drinks after the match? Are you still up for the weekend?

If it's any of 1, 2 or 3 I would not be going at all. I value myself and my life more that to sit around waiting for a flaky partner. You are still acting like you want this person's approval, so maybe the dark shadow of your previous relationship is still looming over you.

And don't text for a while, you will seem too keen. Let him understand that you want an equal relationship, not to be at his beck and call whenever.

Sorry! I said “see you Friday” not see you tomorrow...

Just reply with a 'no, that doesn't work for me' and if he pushes just tell him you are not ok with travelling by bus or train that time of night on your own (I wouldn't want my dd travelling on her own that late). Make other plans instead.
If this is a new relationship he may well be testing how keen (desperate) you are to see him and would you be happy with this late night booty call.

Your feelings are justified OP
However a lot of people are laidback like this and so I think it can seem quite normal to them (I'm like you and find flakiness uncomfortable, but just have to accept that some people are less rigid in their thinking even if I don't understand it!). They are on another plane of thinking. I'm not saying one is better than the other, just that it maybe didn't occur to him that hanging out with him was a plan in itself for you. Is he quite impulsive generally with agreeing to stuff?

I think you can knock 3) off because it's kind of implied in the above - if he was acknowledging inconveniencing you then he would apologise at the same time. No point multiplying grievances :)

Do you feel confident bringing it up with him?
He has actually ended it with a question mark - so you could ask 'actually would you mind if we stuck to the original plan, as we did say we'd hang out and also I'd rather not get the train so late' and maybe a smiley. I think that's quite non-confrontational but also assertive? Or just call him!
In any case I do think you need to say something if this is the first sign he's a bit of a flake - I agree with OhWhat, he might have no clue that not everyone's like him.

I wouldn't be happy about that at all - you had plans; he's changed them at the last minute without mentioning it or asking if you were OK with it; he hasn't apologised; the "been dragged" bit is utter bullshit - he's had a better offer.

I'd cancel the whole weekend - "sorry that doesn't work for me, and it means I can't get over to yours Saturday as early as necessary so shall we just re-arrange to a more convenient weekend?"

As iffy said - he needs to be aware that you won't just drop all your plans when he clicks his fingers.

Ohh I just realised that he's agreed a day in advance to go watch the match so it's not really even a spontaneous decision, neither has he been 'dragged' there by colleagues after a post-work round of drinks or something yeah no that ain't cool OP he can't drop you for another invite like that.

This is a big red flag for me. A considerate person who cares about their significant other would not do this. Keep your eyes wide open, op, and don't make excuses for his shit behaviour.

I replied with “No, ill just meet you early Saturday”

He’s replied “OK, by the way I’ve cancelled my Sunday plans so am free then”

(He had originally had Sunday evening plans once we got back from the weekend trip)

No I don't think your being pathetic at all. I would be annoyed, you had plans arranged and he has just changed them with a silly excuse of being dragged to a boxing match. He had plans already, with you and should have said as such to friends. He has chosen them over you.
I wouldn't want to travel that late either and quite frankly pointless by that time, no evening left to enjoy together. I would be inclined to cancel the weekend too. He would have gone down in my estimations after this
and if he is like this early on the the relationship it will only get worse. He has let you down

Red flag OP, he seems quite self-centred. Who answers 'ok' instead of 'are you sure' or 'i know it wasn't the plan, sorry' esp. as he must be well aware that it'll be impractical for you to get there so early?

No way. Give up on this man now. This is his BEST behaviour. God help you if you were in a long term relationship with him.

I feel as if its a test, will she jump at the scraps I am offering.

Sunday being free seems to be his preference..if this a newish bf I would be concerned that he is treating you like a transaction rather than a person who has their own needs.

I'm a bit about PPs comments.
Why not just tell him how you feel? My first response would have been "but I thought we were meeting at 6 pm and watching a film or doing something together?". If his response sucks then something along the lines of "I know we are having a weekend together but I thought the plan included Friday evening, not just Saturday and half of Sunday. I'm upset plans have changed."

Can you easily get there on Saturday morning? Is he likely to have a drink (or 5) and be hung over all weekend?

I'm probably going to get flamed for this but it could be a bit of "Venus and Mars" early stage misunderstandings. My DH and I had a few things like this in the early stages but we talked about why one or other of us was upset, what our expectations were, and how we could prevent the upset another time. We both learned from it and now we are happily married.

Venus and Mars? They had arranged to spend time together and then he accepted another offer to watch boxing, which meant she had to travel to his at 10 pm, instead of having a nice evening together. There's nothing about Venus and Mars in there. And yes, I do know what you're referring to.

I think at the start of a relationship this shouldn't happening. He was 'dragged' to a boxing match , without sounding harsh he was given a 'better offer' almost and took it. I had a lot of this in the past and I wish someone said that to me. I would have said we where supposed to have plans ? Me travelling to u at 10pm doesn't suit me. So I don't think ur being unreasonable.

HollowTalk He thinks they had nothing in particular planned, just to stay at his as it's nearer the station. She thinks they had a cosy evening in with a movie planned.

Or alternatively he's a selfish pig who has no regard for anything other than his own desires. It's not absolutely obvious which it is until she tells him that she was upset by his lack of consideration and sees what his reaction is.

If he doesn't learn from his mistakes and keeps doing inconsiderate things like this then he's not a keeper.

Plan on washing your hair, getting stuff ready for work on Monday etc so you don't plan on being at his Sunday evening either. Seems like he is changing plans and expecting you to go along with what HE wants. This is NOT good in the start of the 'honeymood period', keep your wits about you op and make time for your friends over him.

Sorry, I agree that if this is his best 'new relationship' behaviour it doesn't bode well.

'got dragged'?

nope.

I'd have replied- 'ah, well looks like I've just 'dragged' you back - we had plans to watch a film before our early start, so what happened to that?'

He blew you off, OP, then just basically TOLD you to come over later and fit in with him.

I'd make sure I had plans for the Sunday at the very least.

Stick on here if you want to make sure you keep some perspective on him...

Can you get out of the weekend away without losing any money?

He has basically just said you, you time and your plans are unimportant.

He hasn't even apologised, said sorry or even acknowledged your plans.

You deserve better.

Dump him.

He's a shit for doing that BUT could you not go to his as planned and get yourself a bottle of wine,run a nice bath ? Would save you faffing about in the morning unless that would be easier for you?

That's what I'd do, I'd go round and raid his fridge etc ha

Oh and i'd be fucking him off on the Sunday
He's told you that so you think he's still got time available for you