Silly..but AIBU

[Totallyfugly]

Very silly one, sorry.

I’m really bad at being annoyed. My parents would never allow me to express feelings and sometimes I don’t know if my feelings are justified.

This is very stupid but...my Boyf and I have plans for a weekend away. Our first one, we have to leave very early on Saturday and the plan was to spend Friday together at his house which is close to the station and watch a film or whatever.

We have been texting all day and I’ve just ended my last message with “cool, see you tomorrow”

His response is “I’ve been dragged to a boxing match and so do you want to just come over at 11pm?”

It takes me an hour to get there - train and bus so would have to leave at 10pm.

I feel annoyed! He’s:

1. Just cancelled our plans without even really mentioning it.
2. Expecting me to sit around and then travel late to see him
3. Hasn’t apologised about that

Is this feeling reasonable? It’s a new relationship- my ex was really controlling and I’m scared of letting someone walk over me so don’t want to be too weak at the start.

Am I being pathetic??

I’m going against the grain but it sounds to me like you didn’t really have plans , so I don’t think he’d have realised he was cancelling anything

Try not to overthink it, have a good weekend

But they did have plans. The plan was to stay in together and watch a film. In the early stages of a relationship that's something very special. I looked forward to that all week when I first got together with DH!

I think your reply about coming on Saturday instead of Friday evening was good because you conveyed that you are put out and also assertive enough to make more convenient suggestions. He has also realised it bothered you because he's changed his plan for Sunday.

However, I would be wondering why he's so easily persuaded to do something different and not see you.

I think you are totally overreacting. You didn't have firm plan if you were going to watch a film OR whatever. It sounds like you agree to go there because it was convenient to leave on Saturday.

He's got an opportunity to do something that might mean a lot to him and he is saying that he'll be back by 11pm. Not the end of the world.

I would have said 'no problem but would rather not travel at 10am, would you really mind if you leave some keys and I let myself in. I promise I would snoop and just crash in front of the TV for a couple of hours'.

He hasn't been 'dragged' anywhere. He's cancelled his plans with you because he prefers to go to a boxing match.

I would text him tommorrow and say sorry I can't make this weekend the girls have dragged me away to a spa!
I wouldn't make any effort with this man at all!

Means alot to him? Its fucking boxing and he already had plans with a women he is in the early stages with. Come on! If his effort starts off like this.. it will continue like this!

@CDAlady I suppose this shows why these things are easily misunderstood - you feel like they did have plans, I feel like they didn’t, and I guess the same misunderstanding has happened between OP and her boyfriend?

Hope it works out ok op

Piss taker really not very considerate

As another PP said he blew you off. You had plans and he cancelled them because he got a better offer. If he had of said “I’ve been invited to this thing I would like to go to on a Friday night. I know we had plans but would you mind if I went? I’ll make it up to you” it would be a completely different story. He showed no regard for your plans, or feelings. You need to nip this behaviour in the bud now or leave.

But they did have plans. The plan was to stay in together and watch a film. In the early stages of a relationship that's something very special
To you, I'm sure, but he could easily see that evening as just a convenient solution to being ready for an early start - it really is a v good example of different points of view - I think relatively few people would see an evening in with a film as 'something very special', when they're going away somewhere the next day - for most that is the main event, and the filmbis just pleasant.
I do think he has been a bit insensitive, and it'd have been better if he'd volunteered the information, and said sorry for changing things, but I can easily believe he just saw that evening as sort of waiting time, and not really a significant part of the weekend together.

Just to add, my OH was like this when I first knew him, and it did irritate me - but I just asked him to tell me if he wanted to change things because it was disappointing to look forward to something and have it cancelled or cut short by a day.

We were making a bit of progress with that, but i think he thought i was fussing a bit, but then, purely by coincidence, I had to cancel a weekend with him at really short notice (due to work).

I told him and apologised as soon as I knew, and he was quite huffy about it...but by the end of the weekend he'd realised he was being quite sensitive, rather than me being completely unreasonable, and that this was what I had been talking about!

I hate when men use the excuse of being 'dragged' somewhere. 'I was DRAGGED for drinks after work'. They manage to say no to lots of things they don't want to do, all the time.
He would rather go to the boxing than hang out with you. That's the realty. What you do with it is up to you.
Sorry he's been a shit OP.
If it were me I'd call time on this, IME they don't change.

I'd be raging. And I definitely wouldn't be shy in letting him know.

he's not behaved very well... expecting you to arrive at 11pm... sod that for a game of cards... I'd not bother going at all... however.. I'm the type to cut off my nose to spite my face...always lol

In the early stages of a relationship,I'd expect him to want to spend as much time together as possible. However, Friday night is more of a convenient stop and you're spending the weekend together. I'd be a bit annoyed and definitely not be free on Sunday (you don't want to be at his beck and call) but would see how he is from now on.

Totally agree with typewriter. Instead of concluding that he's a twat because he is not doing exactly what you wanted, just talk to him and tell him how you feel in a light way. Men complain a lot that women act like princesses and are complex beings, this is a perfectly example why. I would bet that if he'd been the other way around and you'd call him to say that your girlfriend had invited you to a gig so you'll be there at 11pm, his answer would have been 'no problem, you have a great time, see you then'.

So if the main issue is that you were really looking forward to spending the evening with him cuddled up in front of a film, tell him that. If the issue is that you don't want to travel at that time, asked him for the key. If the issue is that you think you'd made plans and that he's being rude, say to him that you'd thought that you'd made plans together, but that you're guessing he had interpreted your conversation differently.

Whatever you do, don't build resentment, it's really not worth it.

Be assertive. Tell the truth. Shame you have already sent that other, passive text.

Say, we had plans for Friday night which also meant that getting away SAturday would be easy. You've changed those at the last minute and I find that ie annoying, frustrating, upsetting.

See what he comes back with.

Yes, good point. Just because he wouldn't mind a change of plan doesn't mean that you don't mind. You do mind turning up at 11. So tell him.

You had a plan and he changed it to suit himself because he got a better offer (boxing).

I would be out having a great time with friends on Friday night and busy when we got back on Sunday night.

Then I would be re-assessing this relationship.

So who's fighting?
Is this a local thing to him?
Because the next big fight is on Saturday 21st and not on Friday.
I call bullshit.

I think you're far too passive here. Look at your language throughout the post, saying you're being silly, pathetic etc.

Do you want to be the "cool girlfriend" or do you want to be happy? It's not wrong to think he's been a bit of a dick here.

A lot of overreacting here. He's been invited for a night out and prioritised it over a night in watching a film instead, I'd do the same! Particularly in a new relationship where I was going away/being with new bf for the next two days. People need to socialise with their mates. He's done literally zero wrong. Overreacting is an ace way to nip something potential good in the bud though 👏

Just a reminder, we don't own people just because we've started going out with them and flexibility in a relationship, you know the old give and take...is key.

It's inconsiderate/rude to blow her off for the evening and just expect her to schlep over for bedtime. He should have said so she could have arranged to go out herself on a Friday night, rather than leaving her thinking they were spending it together.

She said she'd go early Saturday, he said he'd change his plans Sunday to extend the weekend.

Give/take.

Where's the fire?