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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why does my child's father change my baby clothes when has him?

81 replies

Lucoxox · 17/04/2018 15:26

Hi all,

So my DS is 13 weeks old I am not with the dad anymore and everytime he has our son at his house with his parents they change him out of his clothes everytime and dress them in their own clothes they brought, I see it on fb I will dress him in nice jeans and top then I will find pictures of my DS in their own baby clothes.. then when he brings DS home hes back in the clothes i dressed him in, anyone had this problem before? Think it's to spite me cause im not on good terms with him or his parents.. I find changing the clothes really weird behaviour!

OP posts:
Pinkvoid · 17/04/2018 17:40

Ugh my exh does this. I dress my DC quite nice and he puts them in dodgy cheap clothes emblazoned with film characters then splashes it on his social media. Beyond embarrassing. No idea why they do it, probably just a method of control. “Our baby while he’s here so we can put him in what we like.”

Ohyesiam · 17/04/2018 17:43

They could just have different taste to you, and it is fun to choose baby clothes. They could be making a statement.

PrettyLittIeThing · 17/04/2018 17:43

I don't see how it's controlling. He doesn't even tell the op he is doing it, she only knows by spying on fb. I know who sounds like the controlling one and it isn't the ex...

Prettylovely · 17/04/2018 17:46

Agree with prettylittlething.

Bumblefuddle · 17/04/2018 17:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CommonFishDiseases · 17/04/2018 17:52

This would bother me too. But it would be because I'd feel like I was "losing" my child somehow (control issues!) and it would be a symptom of me being distressed by the separation from my baby. Maybe you feel similar, OP?

DioneTheDiabolist · 17/04/2018 17:53

OP, to help your healing, I strongly suggest you stop looking at your Ex's social media. It's really not doing you or your child any good.Flowers

lifechangesforever · 17/04/2018 17:58

It's usually a problem if it's the other way around.. I.e. you send in nice clothes and baby comes home in scruffs and you don't see your clothes again.

I'd be absolutely fine with that arrangement - just send him in a plain sleepsuit and keep the outfits for you and your family. Let his family see him in clothes they buy.

I'd question if you need to be looking at photos on Facebook? I dunno though, just a thought I had.

QueenAravisOfArchenland · 17/04/2018 18:00

Oh, come on, you're really reaching with this. It's his child too and he has the right to dress him any way he pleases during his contact time, within the bounds of comfort and suitability. If the sleepsuits were too small they just wouldn't do up, and babies are frequently going through 3 or so sets of clothes a day anyway. The extra change is not going to traumatise him permanently.

I'm truly sorry your ex hurt you and left you during your pregnancy, but no matter how much he has wronged you romantically, you can't take that out on him via controlling his relationship with his son. You have to do your best to focus on co-parenting effectively and only making an issue of the important stuff. Which this is not.

lifechangesforever · 17/04/2018 18:00

Also agree with PP that a 13 week old doesn't need to be in jeans and tops, it can't be comfortable.

upsideup · 17/04/2018 18:05

probably just a method of control. “Our baby while he’s here so we can put him in what we like.”

But thats true, when the baby is with you you can put him in whatever you like, when they are with their dad he can do the same.
Its not a method of controll, nobody is forcing you to change your behaviour or change what you put your child in, what is incredibly though is you thinking your childs dad shouldnt be dressing them in what he likes while hes with him and should be keeping them in the clothes you like and have chosen.

LIZS · 17/04/2018 18:12

Maybe they prefer to see a baby in sleepsuits than mini clothes? Or think he's more comfy. As long as he is otherwise well cared for I'd suggest picking your battles.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 17/04/2018 18:20

@lucoxox - I honestly think this is one of the things where you need to pick your battles - they are not harming the baby by changing him, and he honestly won’t remember not liking having his clothes changed - and stressing about this is only going to make you feel bad, whereas if you can ignore it and not let it bother you, it will take away a source of stress from your life.

It may be that, in the future, there are things that happen when the baby is with his dad, that are a real problem (for example, if he was allergic to something and they persisted in exposing him to it, or if they were letting him see genuinely inappropriate things on the TV), and it will be far easier for you to object to those if you have built up a good working relationship with his dad (and by extension, with his dad’s family), than if you object to things like this that don’t matter, in the grand scheme of things.

You can’t change what they are doing, in this instance, but you can change how you react to it. Try to find it funny, rather than getting wound up by it. Avoid the pictures on FB if you know they are going to wind you up.

It is so easy for me to say this, and I do realise how much harder it is, for you to do - because this is your precious little baby, and it must be very stressful, having to spend time apart from him.

{{{hugs}}}

ICantCopeAnymore · 17/04/2018 18:29

Do you smoke? I. Immediately change DSS and wash his clothes and him as he absolutely hums of his mother's vile habit and it starts to make our house smell.

findingmyfeet12 · 17/04/2018 18:43

Do you enjoy dressing your baby in clothes that you like?

There's his reason too.

SandyY2K · 17/04/2018 19:07

Another who wouldn't put s baby his age in jeans....too rigid. Send him over in a proper size sleepsuit next time and see if they change him.

bobstersmum · 17/04/2018 19:09

It's not weird. People like dressing babies, it's exciting for parents and grandparents buying baby clothes so they want to see the baby wear them. Don't be offended.

jammiebammie · 17/04/2018 19:13

Perhaps they put a sleepsuit on him for his naps so he’s more comforatable than in jeans? A lot of people change their dc for nap times, could just be they so happened to take photos at that point.
At least you’re getting the clothes back, no biggie.

jammiebammie · 17/04/2018 19:15

That’s a good question @icantcope, when childminding there was one wee boy I had to change as soon as he was dropped off (at the mums request!) because of the smoke smell.

LemonSqueezy0 · 17/04/2018 19:33

Have a bloody day off. You need to stop with this petty nitpicking...

You aren't going to get the validation you want (he's an arsehole, stop contact etc etc) so for your own sanity please try to let go of the hatred for your Ex- and try to be more reasonable.

BlackeyedSusan · 17/04/2018 20:23

maybe they want to keep your clothes clean so he can go home in something nice.

maybe thry just want to buy him stuff because they enjoy that. I did. why should it be different for a dad?

perfectstorm · 17/04/2018 20:30

I think it's lovely that they care enough to have their own clothes for him. It shows that they are committed and care.

Choosing your baby's clothes is lovely. It's a way to cherish them and it's just fun. I'd be pleased, if I were you, that they are this invested in their time with him. There are so many useless fathers who don't care. I appreciate that it's hard, being on bad terms like this... but your child will suffer from that more than anyone. And at least he has lots of people who love him.

perfectstorm · 17/04/2018 20:32

Incidentally, people have their own ideas of what's nice. I hated babies in jeans etc because I wouldn't like to sleep in them, and had my babies in babygrows until they were one or so, a lot of the time. They were just so cosy and soft. So just as you feel jeans and a nice outfit is cute and smart, they may feel a cotton sleepsuit is cosy and adorable. And that's great, because your son is being cherished by all of you.

perfectstorm · 17/04/2018 20:33

Sorry, hated putting my baby in jeans - I felt no animosity towards any jean-clad babies, I swear. Blush

backsackcraic · 17/04/2018 20:34

Why don't you mention it and see if you need to send more clothes.

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