"I'm not in love with you anymore" - crowd favourite

[itsadventuretime]

Hello all. Here are my basics: together for 10 years, married for 9, one DD 7 yo.
At the end of February, I opened a discussion with my husband because I was unhappy with the way he was acting towards me (not affectionate, distant etc…). Suddenly the talk (begrudgingly) turned into how he has been unhappy for months actually, and then came all the famous stuff - I'm not in love with you anymore, I don't know what I want, I feel empty inside, I don't enjoy anything anymore, I feel like you and our DD have your own life and I don't fit in there anymore, doesn't look forward to holidays etc… you know the drill. He cried a bit. To add, he is in a power position in his company and has also been travelling a lot for work this year - gone probably over a month in these first 3 months of the year. A lot of gym time - but that's always been like that. He's doing quite well at work however and seems to handle going out with friends just fine, he's only grumpy and miserable with us.
Of course, this screams OW, and I confronted him quite a few times, once even with who I think it might be (he hired two lovely candidates in December, so the timeline would fit), but he's sticking to his guns that it's not the case. He did have a 3-month emotional affair 2 years ago, which he copped to on first question, but maybe he's gotten better at this stuff. The trust is not there for me, stupid I'm not. His phone is and always was well guarded. Our sex life has been very good since his emotional affair all the way up to these talks.
Since, we've had tons of conversations with me trying to get him to just blurt out what he really wants, but he keeps claiming he doesn't know. I tried to leave the house myself/gave him the chance to, but he refused. He goes up and down constantly, says things, then takes them back, cries and then becomes colder than ice, if I pull away he comes closer. He mentioned in no uncertain terms that he doesn't care at all what our families or friends think about this or how it affects them (his brother is just about to get married, so us splitting will be a lovely wedding gift).
Yesterday we had the same talk all over again. He had promised many times he would make an effort to change ("maybe if I change my attitude, it will change how I feel") but then he didn't really do anything. When asked why, he doesn't know. My explanation is he doesn't really want to. He's gone for a week again for work starting today and I told him I don't want any communication at all, so I can think. Tonight, unbeknownst to him, I will be looking at a possible apartment for me and DD. My problem is not how he feels for me (to be honest I don't know how I feel about him either anymore) but I'm really adamant you can't just throw a marriage and family out just because you're bored. His passive attitude towards saving us and the fact he didn't say anything sooner - that's here the real booboos lie for me.

Any advice, comment or encouragement much appreciated x

I’ve had the same situation and exactly the same words, in my opinion he has had his head turned and thinks a better more fun filled life lies beyond the green grass. That’s the reason why he says he doesn’t know what he wants. He wants you to make the decision for him to make the split easier and lighten some of his guilt.

It’s a horrible time for you but take control and let him get on with it without dragging you down with him.

It’s hard it’s a long path back to feeling content again but believe me you do turn the corner and look back and realise what a selfish nasty shit he is being.

That’s my opinion but it could be something totally different like depression/stress but I think they come with the territory of being pulled in 2 directions.

So sorry your going through this it’s truly awful but take control and protect you and your little one it will help you accept and move on.

Take care 💐

Thank you so much for your reply. I don't even know why, but I really want to find a way to prove he's been cheating. I've really put on my detective hat now - I was thinking if it's not one of the two people he just hired, maybe he looked up the woman he was texting with 2 years ago. She recently got a new boyfriend (in December, also fits the timeline!) and I thoughts maybe it brought up feelings for him - oh no, that could've been me, etc... So that might help him lie about cheating because, well, he's actually not I guess, since she's openly in the honeymoon period with someone else.
It almost makes me laugh how ridiculous the whole thing is and the way my mind is working right now.

Unfortunately your mind will be all over the place trying to find the answers and unless he is man enough the truth will remain with him.

Call him out on this and cut ties as much as you can speak only business ie DD and her welfare and let him work it out for himself, he is quite happy to string you along until he makes up his mind and that is totally selfish.

I had the same scenario and for my own sanity I cut loose and made a new life for me and DS and it’s 2 years on now and if I’m honest he has done me a very big favour as I’m the happiest I’ve been.

It’s not easy and I have had some very low times but with the love of family and friends I’ve made it and it’s great.

Please put you and DD first from today and watch it all unravel.

My ex came out about the OW 18 months later and he is miserable he lost everything and for what. I’m not gloating or happy for his situation but he made his choice and so be it.

You really will be ok I promise 💐

Does sound like he wants you to make the decision and has detached from you.Does he invest time with his daughter?

Are you working and able to support yourself should the marriage end?

Ever since the talks, he's made a bit more of an effort with our daughter - he has never been very affectionate with her. But he also keeps pointing out how the two of us are super close and he feels left out (almost like he's trying to convince himself he's better off away from us).

I have a good job and can totally take care of myself and DD. I think I'm still in that "how did this happen?" shock. One of the reasons I married him in the first place was I thought he was the kind of guy with strong principles who I would accept anything but anyone messing with his family. Ha. How funny.

I've got to say, after having read so many of similar threads on here, I myself am anxiously waiting for the affair to come out.

I'm really trying to keep my spirits up and be goal focused - me and DD. Today I've been strong. Funnily enough, when I wake up in the middle of the night, as you do, I also seem to have complete clarity that I don't want to be with him anyway. But then the rock comes back on the chest, the doubts, the what ifs, the turning words and actions up and down on every side. So not sure how tomorrow will feel.

I agree, it screams OW just from the basics. I get that you want to find out the whole truth, but even without doing so, what you do know is that he's already had an EA 2 years ago, since when he has not made any meaningful changes to be open and to reassure you it won't happen again - quite the opposite with the phone guarding, and he's telling you and showing you that his feelings for you are luke warm at best. I think whatever happens in the long term, you're right to pull away and find somewhere for you dd, that's where your focus needs to be.

Thank you to everyone replying - it is really helpful to talk to someone who can look at things from the outside.

After we talked yesterday he seemed to relax , became very jokey with me and started interacting more, helping out on a puzzle, chatting more than usual. Last night after he fell asleep I got out of bed and moved to the sofa - I just wasn't comfortable. I closed the door behind me. Later on I heard him wake up, open the door, look at me for a while, then he went back to bed but left the door open. First thing in the morning he walked over to me and asked, quite upset, why I left the bed. He was not happy to hear I slept better on the sofa. When he left he came and hugged me - for like 30 seconds. I just let it happen, but reacted in no particular way. I'm just being casual and answering his jokes and being cool in front of kiddo.

Since, we've had tons of conversations with me trying to get him to just blurt out what he really wants, but he keeps claiming he doesn't know. I tried to leave the house myself/gave him the chance to, but he refused. He goes up and down constantly, says things, then takes them back
I had this too. I think he was trying to make up his mind whether it was worth going to OW or not, and needed a bit of time. It went on for about 10 months before I found his email password.

Looking back I shouldn't have put up with his behaviour for ten months. I didn't need proof of anything, as actually I should have left him based on his crappy behaviour alone, rather than putting up with it and letting him get away with increasing disrespect. The ten months did my mental health no good at all, and neither did reading the emails about what they got up to together.

He's gone for a week again for work starting today and I told him I don't want any communication at all, so I can think

Tell him you actually need more than a week, so ask him to find somewhere to stay on his return from work for a while, to give you time to decide what you want, and if you decide to continue the relationship the terms on which you're willing to try again - counselling, etc.

A little bit of a reality check for him.

And why are you looking to leave the marital home? If he doensn't love you/want to be with you any more then he can leave. Maybe use some of your thinking time to seek some legal advice on that.

I definitely don't want to make things easy on him, and HE needs to be the one who leaves, but I also don't want to waste time and effort working on getting him to leave. We leave in a quite expensive rented apartment which none of us can afford on our own.

It's a tricky balance I'm working on.

OP nothing much to add except well done for approaching this with 20/20 vision.

It’s all about what you are getting from him. Which is at best lukewarm flip-flopping.

You’ve had enough half hearted ness from him over the years. Time to cut your losses now and plan a future around your dd and you.

There are many of us who have been there and not only survived but thrived.

Middle-of-the-night doubts are to be expected. All will come good You will be fine

He wants his cake and eat it.

As long as you let him call the shots he will continue to treat you like shit until he feels you pulling away from him then he play all nicely to reel you in and to keep off balance as to what is going to happen.

I would take control and tell him some ground rules.

You will not be cooking, washing or looking after him, he and you will be civil around DC. If he wants to make a go of your relationship then HE has to book Relate sessions to see how you can move forward if this relationship will survive.

If you want to separate then give him a timeline as to when it has to happen.

You don't actually have to find evidence of him cheating.

If you are unhappy in the marriage, then you can instigate divorce proceedings. It doesn't have to be his decision.

Thank you all for your words. Just got back from seeing the apartment - the other person there was also a freshly single mom with a young daughter. Almost asked her out for a beer.

Re-read all your advice and experiences. So greatful for you taking the time to share and offer support.

I went through exactly the same with my H. Pushing me away and reeling me back in again. It totally messes with your head doesn’t it? I actually feel “lucky” I found out he was cheating on me as then I was left with no other option but to end the marriage

mindfuckery I think that’s why I’m so obsessed with finding proof. It would simplify things immediately. No doubts anymore.

Hi OP, its hard to give advice. Based on your post, it sounds like both of you need to sit down and talk and decide what you want out of the marriage.

For example, do you really want to continue to be married to a guy who comes home and seems to not want to be in the marriage and does not want to put any effort on his part into making the marriage be a happy marriage for both of you?

From your description of what he said and the gym -- it sounds like it could be he is interested in chasing someone else. But it could also be lots of other things.

Why don't I ask you, do the two of you get along? Do you argue and fight a lot? Does he listen to you?

We do get along. We are a really good team at home and we have the same sense of odd humour. But (and this has always been like this) I'm bubbly, open and I get excited about the smallest things, while he's introspective and a bit dark. He always says he's not pessimistic, he's realistic. I've never ever seen him truly excited about anything in the time I've known him. We very rarely argue. And I think he does listen to me, but sometimes I feel like he is only half there, like he does it just because you're supposed to do that.

Your relationship has similarities to mine with my ex. When things were good we were a great team, similar humour etc. But he also described himself as 'realistic' but I found him very negative, he had no excitement or joie de vive, his attitude really brought me down. He never changed, was grumpy with me and dc, eventually we split and I'm much happier now.

You issue with him is that he is dark, introspective and pessimistic. Those are personality traits. Was he always like that? If he was, he will not change and you were always aware of them. If he became that, what can you contribute to the day in a small part to make him be a little more bubbly? Small things intice small changes.

He was always like that and as I said, it didn't bother me because I thought we balance each other off. It just got worse as time went by. From feeling like he was a bit "not there" on holiday for example, to him saying he enjoys nothing in his life except when he's doing sports.

NewYear2019 how long did you give him a chance to see if things improve? Did you leave?

its your damned if you do and damned if you don’t here.

There could be loads of different factors depression or seeing someone else ect..

If you ask him to leave then he will have his green light to do as he chooses and if you stay quiet and let him carry on you risk your self esteem, happiness and your own mental health.

I think on this one my pride would ask him to leave, I couldn’t bare it if dh felt like that with me. It would literally make me ill thinking my husband basically had one foot in and one foot out of our marriage and I was just sitting back letting him control the situation.