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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

"I'm not in love with you anymore" - crowd favourite

59 replies

itsadventuretime · 16/04/2018 10:22

Hello all. Here are my basics: together for 10 years, married for 9, one DD 7 yo.
At the end of February, I opened a discussion with my husband because I was unhappy with the way he was acting towards me (not affectionate, distant etc…). Suddenly the talk (begrudgingly) turned into how he has been unhappy for months actually, and then came all the famous stuff - I'm not in love with you anymore, I don't know what I want, I feel empty inside, I don't enjoy anything anymore, I feel like you and our DD have your own life and I don't fit in there anymore, doesn't look forward to holidays etc… you know the drill. He cried a bit. To add, he is in a power position in his company and has also been travelling a lot for work this year - gone probably over a month in these first 3 months of the year. A lot of gym time - but that's always been like that. He's doing quite well at work however and seems to handle going out with friends just fine, he's only grumpy and miserable with us.
Of course, this screams OW, and I confronted him quite a few times, once even with who I think it might be (he hired two lovely candidates in December, so the timeline would fit), but he's sticking to his guns that it's not the case. He did have a 3-month emotional affair 2 years ago, which he copped to on first question, but maybe he's gotten better at this stuff. The trust is not there for me, stupid I'm not. His phone is and always was well guarded. Our sex life has been very good since his emotional affair all the way up to these talks.
Since, we've had tons of conversations with me trying to get him to just blurt out what he really wants, but he keeps claiming he doesn't know. I tried to leave the house myself/gave him the chance to, but he refused. He goes up and down constantly, says things, then takes them back, cries and then becomes colder than ice, if I pull away he comes closer. He mentioned in no uncertain terms that he doesn't care at all what our families or friends think about this or how it affects them (his brother is just about to get married, so us splitting will be a lovely wedding gift).
Yesterday we had the same talk all over again. He had promised many times he would make an effort to change ("maybe if I change my attitude, it will change how I feel") but then he didn't really do anything. When asked why, he doesn't know. My explanation is he doesn't really want to. He's gone for a week again for work starting today and I told him I don't want any communication at all, so I can think. Tonight, unbeknownst to him, I will be looking at a possible apartment for me and DD. My problem is not how he feels for me (to be honest I don't know how I feel about him either anymore) but I'm really adamant you can't just throw a marriage and family out just because you're bored. His passive attitude towards saving us and the fact he didn't say anything sooner - that's here the real booboos lie for me.

Any advice, comment or encouragement much appreciated x

OP posts:
mm2one · 17/04/2018 17:02

Well, that's a real hard one to crack. You are basically having issued with his personality traits that you were full aware of existed when you were getting into a long term marriage or relationship with him. It could be getting worse because you are changing and things that didn't bug you that much in the past are not bugging you more. It could be that he is changing and getting older and those traits that we're always there are getting worse.

Quite frankly, I don't think you can change a persona personality traits. They are deeply embedded. The only thing that can change them is he himself... And yes, I do believe people change over time.

Your only option is really to tell him how you feel. Perhaps even go the direction of "we are growing apart" and pursue a amicable dissolve of the marriage.

Just remember, for every action there is always an opposite reaction. If you pursue a divorce, there are real world.consequences to it.

If it were me and my wife approached me with that stance ... Basically wanting to divorce me over personality traits I always exhibited, I would try to take as much out of the marriage as I can and start from scratch. Whatever property we owned together I will.make sure I get my half.

HollowTalk · 17/04/2018 17:08

That's really not what she's saying, mm2one.

Dancingleopard · 17/04/2018 17:11

mm2one did you actually the rest of op posts?

Onemansoapopera · 17/04/2018 17:16

You say he doesn't know what he wants and is pushing and pulling. But you also go on to say you're looking at an apartment but you don't think people should just throw a family and marriage away. You both sound as confused as each other.

What do you yourself want? It sounds like you're just waiting to react to whatever he decides at the minute.,

Adora10 · 17/04/2018 17:25

Sorry but I'd not trust him as far as I could throw him, you discovered a 3 month emotional affair, I'd imagine there's more; sounds like he's staying put until he sees something better coming along or already has someone in the sidelines.

I'd not carry on living with someone that felt he could drop a bombshell like that on me but expect all his home comforts to continue whilst you monitor whether he likes you or not, stuff that, he has to go, it's his decision so let him fuck off and find himself then.

Spaghettijumper · 17/04/2018 18:33

If that was an emotional affair, I'll eat my own knickers.

Original poster
itsadventuretime · 17/04/2018 19:14

You guys are hilarious :) Thanks for the smiles.

mm2one, not what I was saying at all, not sure why you read it that way.

onemansoapopera I’m good with putting up with a bit of crappy behavior, if I see real willingness to change (not there yet I’m afraid). I am in it truly for better or worse. Seeing the apartment was more for my sanity and strength - I wanted to see if I could handle that cold reality without totally melting down. I did pretty well, only cried on my way back in the car.

OP posts:
mm2one · 18/04/2018 00:23

Hi OP. You sound a little unsure of what you actually want. Why are you looking at apartments? You haven't even talked about separation or let alone divorce proceedings with your DH. Do you think perhaps you might be getting yourself worked up over nothing?

The very first step in all this is find a marriage counselor and go to couples counseling. That will take some time to first get through.

Just be warned, be very careful what you wish for, in case you get it.

What I got out of counseling was, my counselor worked for my best interests (my wife refused to go to counseling) and worked on getting me back into the best mental health possible for me. She made think really hard about why I was so upset about my marriage possiblly ending and she made me thinking really hard about what is the worst possible thing that could possibly happen if my marriage did actually end.

She made me realize that the end of my marriage is not the end of my life or the end of my role as a father or parent to my children and the relationships I cared the most about was going to remain intact regardless of what happens between me and wife.

Megthehen · 18/04/2018 13:19

Adora10 - so true 're the feeling you are 2nd best - I excused some things as him being a "ladies man" but social media "friends" and dating and married affairs websites were like a sweet shop. All-time low for me new 20yr old special African lady consoling him about losing his soul mate (not her and definitely not me!!). Silly girl emailed him via a shared email account. Angry

Original poster
itsadventuretime · 30/04/2018 08:24

Hello all, thought I'd come back with a bit of an update.
It's been a few weeks of push and pull and ups and downs from his side. I had asked for a week of NC while he was away on a work trip, but he didn't even last a day. On the first day he sent me some pictures of our daughter ("Just wanted to share these with you") and on the second day he wrote me a long message telling me not to get upset that he is contacting me, but he's been an ass and can we please talk. We did, and he promised when he comes home all will be different. Of course he came home and nothing changed. This past weekend I was so upset with his jumping from being all nice and willing to work on things to cruel and cold, that I left with my daughter and had a lovely weekend with my mum. He texted me unnecessarily while we were gone. Now I'm back home and he's back to being cruel and cold, and making stupid friendly and useless conversation the next second. I think it's driving him crazy that I'm not leaving - but I'm not going to. I made it clear to him that if he doesn't want to be here anymore, he needs to leave us. Last night he told me very matter of fact that he is not depressed, he just doesn't love me anymore and he can't control how he feels. I told him I understand that, but the fact he at no point came to me to say "Look, I'm drifting away from you, let's do something together to stop it and save our marriage and family" is to me inexcusable. I don't care about the rest. There is simply no excuse for that. My mum is still convinced he wouldn't put our family at risk just out of doubt, and the real reason will come out soon enough, but still no proof of that...

OP posts:
sunsetheaven · 30/04/2018 19:35

Do you love him? Do you want to work at things?

If not, why don't you ask him to leave? He's already said he doesn't love you anymore. I'm sorry Flowers

Helpimfalling · 30/04/2018 19:58

I'm on the same page as you although my husband left two weeks ago this Wednesday flipping from being depressed and loving me and then saying he's fallen out of love with me it cut like a knife

I have only heard from him one day out of the two weeks we have kids too which is even worse I'm so confused

I am broken I still think there must be someone else but as my parents tell me it will all come out one day

If you need any support I'm here

Bloomed · 30/04/2018 20:06

I'd ask him to leave the house. So he can 'decide' what he wants. And ypu can make plans

Mumfun · 30/04/2018 20:23

It is likely that there is someone else -but might just be an idea in his head. Hence the saying he has someone either in his head or in his bed.

The best thing to do is to start to lead your own life. That has the advantage of building a new life for yourself - and also making yourself much more attractive to him - you wouldn't be a crying mess but the attractive independent woman he fell in love with.

Also it is very bad for your self esteem etc to desperately try to reel him back in when he is clear that he isn't in love with you any more. Just leave him to get on with it. And make clear that you are sad about the situation but you are still going to enjoy your life.

And then you watch how he behaves and if he comes up to scratch you can get back with him. If not you continue to live your life and decide at some point to cut him loose

And of course that's not what I did - but I know better now !

Whatever you do have Chump Lady on your side to refer to if he is definitely cheating www.chumplady.com

shooshoopoopoo · 30/04/2018 22:59

I'm sorry but get ready fir him to leave anyday. He has ample opportunity to cheat being away so often. I found with my ex that he became like yours once we'd had a heart to heart and became really chatty and playful. I didn't realise it at the time but this was because he was feeling the process of leaving me was moving forward!

Mrstobe90 · 01/05/2018 00:14

I'm sorry you're going through this! It sounds like he either doesn't know what he actually wants or he's played my mind games.

I hope you and your daughter have a great life away from him!

TuTru · 01/05/2018 00:22

Could he just be a bit depressed?

Original poster
itsadventuretime · 01/05/2018 06:45

Thank you all for your messages. He’s got a therapist appointment on Thursday, but to be honest I think he’s going there only hoping he’ll tell him to leave, so the decision is out of his hands and he’s not the bad guy. The truth is I don’t feel great when I’m with him anymore, but I think I’m just scared of the change. I know he’ll move out soon and the only reason he relaxes after a talk is he feels relieved that he made another step towards leaving. But should I wait for him to leave or actively kick him out? I always need to remind myself no matter what happened these past few months, he hasn’t been what I would expect from a good husband in a long time.

OP posts:
Original poster
itsadventuretime · 01/05/2018 06:48

helpimfalling hope you’re staying strong. I’m here for you too.

OP posts:
Original poster
itsadventuretime · 01/05/2018 06:58

I should also note I’m past the begging/negotiating/crying phase. I did that two months ago when this started, but by now with the help of my mom - and time I guess, I’m quite chill and detached around him. I don’t ask him for anything, I just want him to know whatever his reasons, the way he dealt with this was wrong and there is no excuse for it. We had a trip booked for this weekend - wondering if I should go by myself or with a friend if I can change the name on the plane ticket. Maybe palm trees will help a bit.

OP posts:
bananasplits50 · 01/05/2018 07:03

itssdventuretime what a truly awful time your having. In answer to your question above ' should I kick him out'. Your DH has said that he doesn't love you anymore and he is moody and unpleasant at home. It doesn't sound like you are very happy and are waiting for him to decide on your future. So you can either wait for him to leave or ask him to leave as it doesn't sound like he is planning to stay. It sounds like he is waiting for someone to give him the green light to leave and then he can take no responsibility. However that aside you need to do what is right for you

topsy2tails · 01/05/2018 07:18

Just tell him to fuck off!

"You don't want to be here!!. I don't want you here!! See ya!"

That should do it!

topsy2tails · 01/05/2018 07:18

And yes to the trip with your mate WineWineWine

Bloomed · 01/05/2018 11:59

Why give him the sense of any control in all this with his dithering. Just tell him that you don't want to be with him anymore so let's divorce, please leave the house etc.

Original poster
itsadventuretime · 01/05/2018 13:29

I know you’re right. A big part of being married to anyone is to feel safe and supported, to have a partner that has your back. And that’s just basic level needs - which not only does he not fulfill now, but why would I ever think he will in the future. Not even talking about the issues I had on top - no affection etc...

OP posts: