"I'm not in love with you anymore" - crowd favourite

[itsadventuretime]

Hello all. Here are my basics: together for 10 years, married for 9, one DD 7 yo.
At the end of February, I opened a discussion with my husband because I was unhappy with the way he was acting towards me (not affectionate, distant etc…). Suddenly the talk (begrudgingly) turned into how he has been unhappy for months actually, and then came all the famous stuff - I'm not in love with you anymore, I don't know what I want, I feel empty inside, I don't enjoy anything anymore, I feel like you and our DD have your own life and I don't fit in there anymore, doesn't look forward to holidays etc… you know the drill. He cried a bit. To add, he is in a power position in his company and has also been travelling a lot for work this year - gone probably over a month in these first 3 months of the year. A lot of gym time - but that's always been like that. He's doing quite well at work however and seems to handle going out with friends just fine, he's only grumpy and miserable with us.
Of course, this screams OW, and I confronted him quite a few times, once even with who I think it might be (he hired two lovely candidates in December, so the timeline would fit), but he's sticking to his guns that it's not the case. He did have a 3-month emotional affair 2 years ago, which he copped to on first question, but maybe he's gotten better at this stuff. The trust is not there for me, stupid I'm not. His phone is and always was well guarded. Our sex life has been very good since his emotional affair all the way up to these talks.
Since, we've had tons of conversations with me trying to get him to just blurt out what he really wants, but he keeps claiming he doesn't know. I tried to leave the house myself/gave him the chance to, but he refused. He goes up and down constantly, says things, then takes them back, cries and then becomes colder than ice, if I pull away he comes closer. He mentioned in no uncertain terms that he doesn't care at all what our families or friends think about this or how it affects them (his brother is just about to get married, so us splitting will be a lovely wedding gift).
Yesterday we had the same talk all over again. He had promised many times he would make an effort to change ("maybe if I change my attitude, it will change how I feel") but then he didn't really do anything. When asked why, he doesn't know. My explanation is he doesn't really want to. He's gone for a week again for work starting today and I told him I don't want any communication at all, so I can think. Tonight, unbeknownst to him, I will be looking at a possible apartment for me and DD. My problem is not how he feels for me (to be honest I don't know how I feel about him either anymore) but I'm really adamant you can't just throw a marriage and family out just because you're bored. His passive attitude towards saving us and the fact he didn't say anything sooner - that's here the real booboos lie for me.

Any advice, comment or encouragement much appreciated x

Definitely go on the trip with a friend instead. There will be an OW in the background somewhere. I would plan your next moves on that basis even if there's no evidence available.

YY to the trip.

And I agree, there's an OW somewhere, either already in situ or being lined up.

It sounds like you've come to terms with the marriage ending, better than he has in fact. Good. Just tell him to get out now because dithering like this is just ridiculous

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

I'm not a family law expert, so I'd advise you to see one of those really. but if it were me in your shoes I don't think I'd wait for him to go. As you're in rented that you cannot afford on your own, there's nothing to be gained by staying put until he eventually leaves. I expect he will just become increasingly unpleasant until you break first - it's much easier for him to escape temporarily because you're the primary carer and he can nip out for an hour or overnight - which means he can play the long game far better than you.

You will drive yourself crazy waiting for him to either commit or be truthful and he may never do either. All you can do is control your own life. Tell him nothing of your plans until you're ready to implement your plans and can just leave. At least then he will be forced to recognise that you won't accept a lack of respect even if you can't get anything else from him.

Agree.

I think you should just leave.

I understand if you have reservations about uprooting your DD, but you mentioned neither of you could afford to stay where you are if you split, so you're likely to have to do that anyway.

Take back some control!

Thank you all. I started looking at apartments online today and reached out to a few, hoping to view some this week. I’m so upset that I let him turn me around two weeks ago. I had found a perfect apartment, but when he sent that long message saying he’s been an ass and to give him a chance, I stopped. This constant battle within me between logic and stupid hope is gonna be the end of me.

@itsadventuretime it just came out today that my DH has shagged someone at the weekend

Please run and don't look back

helpimfalling it’s just a matter of time, I’m not naive. At least now your sadness and confusion can turn to anger? I find that easier to live with.

I’m your position I’d be tempted to ask him to leave now. If he says he doesn’t love you anymore then what’s left to save?

Sorry you’re going through this op

So sorry you’re going through this OP. No one deserves cruel, cold, detached, being told they’re not loved.

If you know you’ll each have to rent somewhere else anyway, I’d definitely get back to finding you and DD somewhere new and lovely. It’ll give you something positive to focus on. Either now or when it’s offvielky lined up, tell you’re leaving. You’ve got nothing to gain by staying. Him repeating that he doesn’t love you is fucking awful. He must know you’ll leave him. As soon as you do, you’ll start to feel better about yourself and better about life. It must be taking a horrible toll on you living in this awful limbo.