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Original poster

Would this be rude to parents/in-laws?

52 replies

Suziesalmon · 13/04/2018 12:13

Expecting second baby any day now. After DC1 was born, I very much struggled to bond, we had an influx of well meaning visitors very quickly and I found 'help' that was given by in-laws and parents unhelpful. I've been writing lists/ideas of how I want things to be this time and come up with idea of pinning a 'help list' to the cupboard or fridge of ideas/ways for parents to help us.

Last time, MIL wanted to rearrange my cupboards and DM only helped on her own terms: held baby when baby was sleeping- not helpful, offered to cook but arrived at 7.30pm with a bag full of ingredients yet to cook. DH and I starving by that time. Finally got to eat around 9pm... I literally had the shakes waiting for our meal! I was only a couple of weeks post-partum and v low on energy and ready for bed by 8pm! DF still expected me to make him cups of tea and kept telling me to hire a cleaner as my house was a mess- he however offered no cleaning.

I've mentioned to DM that I am going to draw up a ' help list' for anyone who is wanting to 'help' so that everyone can see what has/hasn't been done and what they can do to help, such as walking the dog, washing up, playing with DC, collecting him from school etc.
DM rolled her eyes and looked quite annoyed. I asked her what the problem was? Had I offended her? She responded that I hadn't offended her but that she didn't like to be directed.

Was she right to be offended? Is a help list rude? Any better ways I can go about this?

OP posts:
afatalflaw · 13/04/2018 12:19

Well I think she has a choice to help in a way that is actually helpful or not bother. Seems like vary sensible approach on your part, my thinking was all over the place after I had my eldest and my mum kept saying 'what would you like me to do?' I didn't have the energy to think up useful tasks for her and her constantly asking was something else on my plate to deal with. We had a little falling out over it and the thought still exhausts me.

If someone genuinely wants to help they will be guided by you.

balljuggla · 13/04/2018 12:19

I don't think it's rude, it's practical! I have a young baby and don't think in those first weeks you should allow anyone over the threshold if they're going to annoy you. I would want to know how I could help, not add to a new mum's stress.

Bekabeech · 13/04/2018 12:20

They don't sound helpful at all!

To b honest I'd hav strict visiting hours, and go with your help list for and "help" offered.
Include dropping off preprepared meals ready for Oven or Freezer. No cooking in your house. Guests make their own drinks. Washing up appreciated.
Please bring your own biscuits/cake.

badg3r · 13/04/2018 12:24

I would just tell them not to come round tbh! And if they try to help and it's not useful then say so. E.g. thanks for the offering dinner but money for a take away would be more useful so there is no clearing up. If you come round this afternoon can you do the dusting because the house is a mess and I am exhausted. DF yes I would love a cup of tea, bags are by the kettle. Thanks but I am a haunted after giving birth so I will hold sleeping baby while you go useful task that also needs doing etc etc etc.

Post party is one of the few periods when you can legitimately delegate in this manner Wink

badg3r · 13/04/2018 12:25

Exhausted, not haunted!!

Dancingmonkey87 · 13/04/2018 12:25

I’m a mother of three dc.I never expected my additional family members to be cooking and cleaning when I had a baby that’s what my dh was for and he helped during his paternity leave doing all the stuff you said plus school runs. You sound hardwork and bit PITA giving people lists.

badg3r · 13/04/2018 12:28

*post partum...
Ahh!
But yes, list is a good idea. Preferably delegate before they arrive too so they are under no illusions that they might be coming over for you to serve them tea and cake while they rock a sleeping baby.

Original poster
Suziesalmon · 13/04/2018 12:29

You are very lucky that your DH can take paternity leave dancing monkey. We can not afford for DH to take any at all, but thanks for your helpful advice.

OP posts:
Dancingmonkey87 · 13/04/2018 12:31

Surely your dh had 9months to factor in 2 weeks paternity leave? My dh only got one week full pay and took AL for the following week.

Namechangemum100 · 13/04/2018 12:32

I don't think this is an unreasonable approach at all, and I admire your ability to ask for specific help.

I am also expecting dC2 any day now, and will be taking a different approach. Dm isn't really around so it's only mil who was utterly useless when DD was born, the only "help" she offered was to hold the baby...I think we can all agree that after carrying a baby for 9 months I pretty much had that covered...the washing, ironing, cooking etc was another matter.

This time I simply won't be having anyone here until I have my shit together and mil and anyone else can just fuck off.

I realise my response is a bit harsh, however I am currently 12 days over due, trying to keep a house in order and look after a 14 month old, and have not been offered one oz of help...so if they think they will all be rolling in for newborn cuddles when dC2 finally makes an appearance they can think again!

Adayindisney67 · 13/04/2018 12:34

I remember letting my ex MIL in the delivery room because she begged me.
Then when I was in labour for 2 days and having a hard time she told me to be quiet and get my act together. At that point in time I had no energy to react.
After delivery when I was home, I was extremely unwell. I had a heart valve infection due to pregnancy ( didn't know at the time) but it nearly killed me. I couldn't get off the sofa as I hurt absolutely everywhere. She told me to get up and stop complaining I'd only had a baby and wasn't dying. The house was a mess and I needed to sort myself out apprently.
Hence the ex MIL (as well as her dickhead son long story)..
Learnt my lesson the hard way.
YOU! dictate your house dynamics after the baby. Nobody else!

PinkCalluna · 13/04/2018 12:39

I think it’s a good idea. If only to point the visitors who offer to “help” at.

Just bear in mind that people offering to help often don’t actually mean it. (Can you tell I have bitter personal experience?)

Robin233 · 13/04/2018 12:46

No wonder people get post natal depression.
I think your list is Fantastic.
If you were my mates I'd be there going through your ticking off the jobs :)
Your baby your rules x

seven201 · 13/04/2018 12:48

Hmmm I think having a visible list is verging on rude. But why don't you make a list on your phone and then if anyone asks what they can do you will know. If people offer 'help' that isn't actually useful say thanks for offering but I don't really need that, but if you don't mind could you do X instead.

I was crap at accepting any help, not that any was really offered!

IamMoana · 13/04/2018 12:54

I found the I'll hold the baby while you go do the chores offers tricky. Sometimes felt like everyone got to cuddle & bond with the baby but me. It's a really funny time as everyone is desperate to hold the baby & your hormones are all over the place. I'd be a bit firmer given the chance again & say what I actually needed & if visitors caused me extra stress I'd say no for the moment. Good luck x

Fridasfridgefreezer · 13/04/2018 12:54

Don’t have them round. Get yourself sorted.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 13/04/2018 12:54

I think it's an amazing idea! Wish I'd done that!

Isetan · 13/04/2018 12:55

I wouldn’t bother with the list because they don’t sound like the kinds of people to pay any attention to anything other than their own needs. Get your DH to enforce strict visiting times (when preferably he’s there to turf them out if they insist on an encore of their baby 1 performances).

They’re shown you who they are and I doubt in the intervening time they shown any remorse or insight of their selfish behaviour, therefore it’s pretty unlikely they will have changed. Give them an inch and they will insist on taking a mile.

CardinalCat · 13/04/2018 12:56

I think your list is FAB and if they take it the wrong way, then they can come back when the baby is bigger and things are more under control. I don't know if you plan to bf, but one of the purest joys of breastfeeding for me (and which I am sure is exactly as nature had intended things to be for post-partum women) was sitting on my bum, tits oot, feeding my baba, letting him sleep on me, while I shovelled cake into my mouth and my family brought me whatever I needed. Yes, the dishes weren't stacked away the way that I like best, and some of MIL's attempts at laundry resulted in overly conditioned fabrics (I srsly reckon she uses a whole bottle of lenor per wash- I digress) but we all muddled by. It was a magical time because I had no option but to sit and hold my child as he cluster fed.

TorchesTorches · 13/04/2018 13:06

You will in reality get no help from either. They will give the 'help' they want to give, rather than the 'help' you want to have. I learned this the hard way with both DM and MIL. Both of the things they 'helped' with were spectacularly unhelpful to me and left me frustrated, while they enjoyed a little rosy glow of being oh so helpful.

My advice would be limit exposure to them when you are stressed/ vulnerable and if they say they want to help, give them a very specific task from your list. They won't do it, but at least they don't get the rosy glow either!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/04/2018 13:10

What both Isetan and TorchesTorches wrote.

You will not receive the help you actually need; these people will only do what they want to do. Such people as well will take no notice of any list you draw up because its their way or no way as far as they are concerned.

What sort of a relationship does your DH have with his mother, what does he think about her these days?. Rearranging your cupboards as she did last time is both interfering and controlling and is in no way helpful.

eggcellent · 13/04/2018 13:21

You can't really tell them what to do, but you can give snarky comments when they're being unhelpful and hopefully they'll clock on Wink

NerrSnerr · 13/04/2018 13:23

If your husband can’t take paternity leave then are your parents expected to look after your other child if you have to stay in? Are they having your eldest when in labour? If so, then I think the list is cheeky. I’d just get set up as well as you can with batch cooking etc and see what extra help they’ll give you. Maybe ask in advance for school run help.

SasBel · 13/04/2018 13:28

Probably not helpful, but only friends came visiting (for a short time) after the birth of each of my 3 for a month! (Family all live away) We needed time to bond as a family, the dynamic changed dramatically after DC2 arrived. Not much different after DC3 arrived, but a massive step change between 1 and 2.
Congratulations and good luck!

starfishmummy · 13/04/2018 13:43

My mil wasn't very helpful. I remember finding my breakfast cereal on top of a high wall cupboard one morning - post c section, so I couldn't climb up to get.it. another day she turned up with 3yo grandchild in tow and went off to do my ironing (about 3 things) while I had to look after our niece...

My Dad wasn't a lot better. I had a sickly child. One dah he threw up and as soon as he was all clean and freshly dressed he did a poonami. I'd offered dad a cuppa earlier so suggested that he might like to make it while I did another clean up. He said it was Okay, he'd wait until I had finished!!

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