Am I being a total nob head?

[Platterheed]

I’ve not been on here for a while, however, I need to know - am I being a dick?

My partner of two and a half years sees no problem with taking a younger, hot lady back to his flat for a drink because the pub has shut and they want to carry on.

We have a good relationship generally, he has female friends he drinks and chats with.

He’s lied about a few things in the past to try and get this sort of scenario under the radar.

He previously moved a drink with this woman (an old colleague) because I was going over there (his request - he was going away for a month the day after) but, stupidly told me he didn’t mention me or that I was the reason he was cancelling to her.

She’s single and I think she thinks he’s single.

Apparently, I shouldn’t have a problem with him taking women home for a drink - but I really do!

Either way, I’m not sure if I’m being a total untrusting nobhead, or whether he’s totally disrespecting me because I do have a problem with it.

I’m pretty liberal, I accept and like most of his female friends but I just feel really uncomfortable about this woman.

I need some honest opinions as I can’t work out my head from my arse on this one!

1000% that's unacceptable and if he can't see why then that's an issue in itself!

Is he my ex?! My ex he to do stuff like this, invite woman from the pub back to his house (and this is women he didn't even know) but it was ok because there was a group of them apparently. So him and his friends would go back to his house with women they had met at the pub. He couldn't seeu problem with it. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

There's usually only one reason a man invites a woman back to his place, and its not because he wants to just have a drink.

Thanks.

It is a huge issue for me. I wouldn’t dream of bringing even my best male friends back here after the pub. I wouldn’t want to annoy him or give him any reason to question my motives or that I’d cheat on him.

Thing is a group of people I could deal with, if he knew them. A bunch of strangers more than once and he’d be dumped.

It’s the fact he didn’t mention he was moving the drink for me, his partner that set me off on this one. I’ve long suspected he quite fancies her in that he likes her attention.

I don’t believe he’s ever cheated but I can’t confidently say he wouldn’t when he’s treating a drink like a date.

It’s a massive deal breaker for me and he knows in no uncertain terms I’m not happy with that sort of scenario. We’re not in our twenties or even thirties anymore and I’m just done with that shit!

Where it leaves me, I’m unsure.

He’s said he understands why I feel as I do now and accepts I don’t want it to happen in the future, but he was still kicking back by making out I was unreasonable. Apparently previous girlfriends have never questioned it and I’m ridiculous for thinking anything would happen. I’m possessive apparently!

His previous partners all actually left him for other people and it’s starting to make sense why!

Me being possessive is such a joke. I’ve been sat in many a night while he’s been at a restaurant or a film with one of his female mates. I’ve just always tried to be sensible about it - but there have to be some boundaries if I’m uncomfortable.

I thought most women would find it uncomfortable that their partner is taking someone to his flat to carry on the night...

I just needed an idea whether I really have this wrong and need to check myself.

But actually, it’s true that the fact he sees no issue with it is the biggest problem.

Inviting a single woman back to flat after a night at the pub is inappropriate.

Having friends if the opposite sex is fine but why are you at home alone while he's at the movies with them? Why aren’t you invited too?
Why aren’t you invited to the pub?

Personally this guy doesn’t seem like a good long term bet.

I wonder if any of his other friends think that they are the girl friend and you are the friend...

So at the very least he's flirting, giving the impression he's single, gaslighting you... He's lied about this kinda thing before too.

Not you that's the nob head here!

All his previous partners left for other people - sure they did - so he says.

Why you putting up with this?

Copperbonnet, I know a lot of his friends now, and his family. We don’t live together and we’re together most weekends and when work allows, we’re together during the week too.

But, we both have male and female friends, and I’d be lying if I said all of his female mates are great because a couple have been bloody annoying as they clearly have a thing for him. He’s lapped up the attention but they’ve backed off realising he’s in a relationship and they’re not doing anything other than flattering him with nothing in return. That made me feel uncomfortable too. He didn’t exactly deflect them but they did at least know I existed.

There have been plenty of occasions where he’s gone out with old mates because we don’t live together and I have a DS from my former husband. I was irked he was going to see a film I wanted to see with someone else on a Saturday night - but they have been mates for 25 years, I know her from a previous job, I know they’re just mates so I just had to suck it up at the time. I wasn’t invited but it was a night we weren’t planning to be together - it was fairly early in the relationship and at that time he didn’t stay over when DS was around as we just weren’t at that point. He’s here with me and DS a lot now.

I know of the gorgeous young woman I’m annoyed about too, through friends of friends. He knows that other people would see anything untoward and trust me, he’s very bothered about what people think of him so he knows word would get back.

It’s the fact he brazenly thinks it’s all ok. I shouldn’t be bothered.

He’s largely been on his own, his relationships have all failed. It’s clear now why his ex’s just found other people without telling him. He doesn’t really display the greatest amount of respect for me where this scenario is concerned.

If he is who I think and he’s never cheated, he certainly behaves in a way that would suggest he wouldn’t think twice.

There’s a lot of good in this man and the relationship. I try to let him have his friendships without moaning about it but taking women back to your flat when your in a relationship is so many levels of wrong - whether she’s nothing more than a mate or not.

He can’t act like a single bloke when he feels like it. Whether he does anything or not. Surely, if it’s upsetting me then he should adjust this crap so we don’t fall out about it.

I genuinely don’t have an issue with female friends. Just ones he doesn’t tell about me and then takes back for a drink because the night’s Just too great to stop there.

It makes me feel like a total mug and like I don’t matter. Of course I’m going to assume there’s more to it.

I just really needed to know that I’m not being a possessive nutter.

Graphista, seriously - he’s actually played the victim in explaining how ex’s have treated him. His mates and family back this up as they’ve only heard his side. His ex before me pulled a blinder which left him gobsmacked, hurt, humiliated.

I couldn’t understand why anyone would do it. But given my thoughts and feelings recently, I totally get it.

I have been with him a while and on a day to day, he’s great. I’ve been as liberal as I can but this is a step too far for me. I don’t want to be the rattling possessive girlfriend, but it’s clear I’ve been way too lenient. I thought I was being a grown-up and letting him have his life as he should. But he’s crossed a few lines. And I see this very differently now.

There's no indication anything actually happened between him and this woman other than being alone in a flat drinking. I wouldn't have a problem with this myself.
It sounds like you have issues trusting him more generally but this isn't in itself a red flag for me. If I met a male friend out for a drink and we wanted to carry on then I'd invite him back home. My partner wouldn't have a problem with it either

Shoxfordian. I’d like to be in a relationship where this didn’t bother me too. It must be great.

I definitely have trust issues here, he’s previously lied. A few times.

Can I ask you, would you go for a drink with someone if you thought they found you attractive, and you hadn’t once mentioned you had a partner to them? Would you go for a drink with someone you quite fancied and not mention your partner? And go back to theirs/invite them to yours?

Would your partner question you about it if the drinking partner didn’t know he existed?

What do you get out of this relationship with him?. The fact here is that his behaviour is unacceptable to you and this is your life after all.
I personally think you are wasting your time and effort with him, leave him to his succession of ladies (are they seemingly heavy drinkers like him also?) to take back with him to his flat. Look at this bloke's friends; are they all drinkers like him?.

Its no wonder all his previous relationships failed, his life also seems to circle around the pub and alcohol; that is what his primary relationship is with. Its not with you so why have you hung on it there at all?.

If there are issues with trust as well, there is no relationship.

I wouldn't be in a situation where the person didn't know I had a boyfriend. He's wrong for not telling her about you.

My partner and I don't question each other because we trust each other. As you clearly don't trust him, maybe don't bother continuing with the relationship

I had a boyfriend once that had more female friends than male but I met them and it was extremely obvious they were all completely platonic.

This is very different. He is inviting strange (I presume) women to his flat to carry on drinking once the pub has closed? And he’s trying to claim all they did was drink? Not a chance! No way would two adults of the opposite sex decide to go back to one of their flats, get drunk and there not be a sexual undertone.

Ditch his ass, he’s a creep.

If I went out drinking, met a strange attractive man and invited him back to mine ‘to carry on drinking’ my DP would leave me in a shot and vice versa too. There’s no way they are leaving it at a few glasses of vino.

So inappropriate and disrespectful....

You should leave him

I wouldn't go out with a man who went to the pub and then home to 'carry on drinking' - women or no women.

That's a student lifestyle. Doesn't he have to get up for work? Doesn't he have to drive the next day?

It sounds to me like he hasn't quite grown up.

He’s largely been on his own, his relationships have all failed

Well there's a surprise.

He's acting like he's single. I'd suggest you make that a reality for him.

Zaphodsotherhead - I have to agree with you. It is a bit of a student attitude at times.

He is self employed.

He has a lot of fantastic qualities, but his attitude to other women while he’s in a relationship is pretty questionable at best.

I love the good stuff between us and there’s plenty of it, but I am getting slightly fed up of feeling I can’t relax. I’m all for him doing his own thing and trusting him with his female mates, but this is just not above the line, it’s not showing any respect for me. I really am sick of looking over my shoulder. It’s been 2.5 years. I want the trust and respect but he continually crosses the line and makes me doubt. It’s exhausting.

I don’t believe his former partners didn’t have a problem with women going back - they just didn’t know!

I appreciate your thoughts. I really needed to check my head and see if I was being ridiculous.

What fantastic qualities does he have, what good stuff is there?. Nothing that you have written about him indicates any of the above with regards to you.

What needs of yours does this man meet in your relationship with him given as well you've been with him now for 2.5 years. Why is your own relationship bar so low?

I would have a massive problem with that. If the shoe was on the other foot do you think he'd be happy with it?

We get on. We share a lot of interests, I find him interesting, funny, caring, kind, he’s amazing with my Son. He makes a lot of effort in general areas. He’s good company. Sex is good. When he fucks up, he works hard to put it right.

I like the majority of his friends and family, and he mine.

However, he just has this weird approach to other women. Female friends are one thing, but there have been a couple of younger women, like this one, that he seems to need the attention of with absolutely no mention of me!!

It’s not like he has to wear a TShirt with my face on, but I’m just conveniently forgotten when it comes to them going out. I have asked him straight out whether they know about me because the sneaky behaviour where he gives himself away when he’s arranging drinks etc. Is nauseating.

It’s almost like he’s sniffing around them just in case he stands a chance. Because he’s older he assumes he’s not in with a chance but he lays on the charm, he has their attention! He has their diary space.

He just shouldn’t be arranging drinks with women who don’t realise he’s in a relationship is what I feel.

They’re not good solid mates. They’re people he’s known in the past, people who flatter his ego in some way because if they were mates, I’m sure I’d have met them properly by now!!

I just can’t understand how we’re so close but this goes on.

I do feel a mug. Now I’ve laid it all out - it’s more than a bit shit really.

He says he wouldn’t have a problem with me doing it.

Thing is, he knows I never would put him in the position, so it’s easy for him to say.

I suspect he’d be very bothered.

His former partners clearly did the tit for tat, played him at his own game.

He turned that into him being hard done by.

It’s only now I can see why women returned the total lack of respect.

Who knows what to do about this. I need to think it all through but thanks for letting me sound it out and establish - it’s bloody poor behaviour.

This behaviour is shady as fuck, I've seen it before with blokes who I know have partners making out they're single. I even asked one outright once and he did the whole 'well, kind of, we're not really 'together'' thing. This isn't about trust issues, he's loving the attention