Am I being a total nob head?

[Platterheed]

I’ve not been on here for a while, however, I need to know - am I being a dick?

My partner of two and a half years sees no problem with taking a younger, hot lady back to his flat for a drink because the pub has shut and they want to carry on.

We have a good relationship generally, he has female friends he drinks and chats with.

He’s lied about a few things in the past to try and get this sort of scenario under the radar.

He previously moved a drink with this woman (an old colleague) because I was going over there (his request - he was going away for a month the day after) but, stupidly told me he didn’t mention me or that I was the reason he was cancelling to her.

She’s single and I think she thinks he’s single.

Apparently, I shouldn’t have a problem with him taking women home for a drink - but I really do!

Either way, I’m not sure if I’m being a total untrusting nobhead, or whether he’s totally disrespecting me because I do have a problem with it.

I’m pretty liberal, I accept and like most of his female friends but I just feel really uncomfortable about this woman.

I need some honest opinions as I can’t work out my head from my arse on this one!

Trinity66. Yes, it does look bizarre I agree.

I guess the problem is that I’m being constantly told I’m unreasonable and I have a problem because it’s apparently ‘nothing’.

Because I’m suspicious after my ex-husband’s cheating, I’ve tried to be open-minded. I’ve tried to accept this because I truly believe female mates are normal, he’s entitled to see his mates, male or female.

But, on a handful of occasions, I’ve been conveniently not mentioned. So I feel he must have an ulterior motive in these instances. He doesn’t hide his genuine female friendships and I feel these few are women where he’s been out and not so much as mentioned me - his words, he feels he shouldn’t have to, they’ve known him for years etc. - are something more.

He seems to like these women in a different way. One, we were about a year in and he’d said he was going out with a group of people that night. He rang me on the way home etc. But of course, he slipped up a couple of months later and said he’d not seen one of his close male friends for ages. I pointed out I thought he’d seen him that night. He then realised he’d put his foot in it and said oh, yeah well he pulled out. He said everyone had changed their minds at the last minute and it turns out it had just been him and her for a drink that night.

Of course, the others were never going to be there in the first place. He still denies that of course.

I put my foot down, said he needed to be open and honest when going out as a. That’s normal and b. To not cover it up if plans change.

He’s open and honest and then I still feel uncomfortable because the current nightmare is that this woman doesn’t know about me. And he thinks that’s ok.

I’ve asked why she’s different to his other mates, he doesn’t really give an explanation other than I don’t come up in conversation...

I can always see the guys side on MN, but not this time. He's being a greedy knob because he's getting away with it. Awful.

Honestly OP, just read what you have just written, the guy is taking the absolute piss out of you, how would he feel if you were late night drinking with men that thought you were still single, happy? Doubt it.

Tbh, I'd stop trying to get him to realise he's being a disrespectful cunt, I'd end it, I'd think more of myself to compete with his hareem of women, pathetic and nasty git is what he is I'm afraid; get angry, he's blatantly showing you what he thinks of you, if you think that's enough then good luck with your future.

I guess the problem is that I’m being constantly told I’m unreasonable and I have a problem because it’s apparently ‘nothing’.

If he really believes that why the need to lie to you? Incidentally him lying to you is as bad as the women thing.

Honestly I wouldn't even give him an ultimatum I'd just finish with him and find someone who actually has some respect for you and your relationship

Thanks all.

I’m glad I posted.

Everything you’re saying here has been churning away as a sordid undercurrent for the last 18 months.

I’m being used. I’m not sure what for but my rl friends have been encouraging me to give him the benefit of the doubt because they know my trust would be hard to give after my DS’s father.

The fact I stopped talking about it in rl was to go back to my gut instinct.

So much has been lightly explained away and I’ve been so gullible in the process.

Thanks for posting and confirming everything I knew.

My pursuit of trying to not be damaged by my past, or needy, or untrusting has shot me in the foot.

There has to be an honest, decent man out there who would fit me like a glove.

He sadly fits like a great big boxing glove in the face!!!

Be open to trusting men by all means but not ones who give you reasons not to, he's lying to you about who he's out with so how can you trust him? The bad relationships in the past should be good lessons of what signs to look out for.

You are not the nobhead in this scenario. Not by a looooom way.

*looooong 🙄

Agreed Trinity.

I guess I was just trying too hard to not look at everything as a signal of doom.

It’s quite easy to think the worst when there could be a rational explanation.

What I’ve posted here isn’t everything of course but none of it is great because, no matter how great it feels in the day to day, no matter how much I laugh or how he makes me feel when we’re together, apart is hell because he’s a proven liar and you just never know where you stand.

I don’t know how I’ll ever get it right after this total headfuck. I’ve been incredibly stupid. I should’ve told him to get to fuck the first time.

I have somehow removed all common sense, denied my instincts, stood my ground and argued instead of walking only to have him brazenly mock me with other women and I today, feel like a total idiot. On the surface to everyone else of course, he adores me. I’m good for him. He’s a great bloke - why would I have a problem? Various of his mates have over the years have brought up my apparent problem with his female friends. I have laughed hard and given them a couple of solid examples of his lies, that the only problem is him not telling the truth. Funny, that doesn’t happen any more. Of course, I raised it with him each time...I declined to tell him I’d given a full account of whichever horror story was the latest, so he’s not thought to go back and counteract it.

I wonder if somewhere in me, a twisted pride wanted me to brazen this out because we all work in the same industry. We have mutual friends. That I needed to prove I’m not a nutter to them. I don’t even know my own motives for being with him other than the surface anymore. It’s all here, in this thread. Finally coming out.

I am a nobhead, but not in the way I thought when I first posted this.

You clearly have met Mr charmer, great for the odd date, lousy for your sanity!!

You aren't a knob head at all, he is! Best of luck with it, you're worthy of more from a guy

Someone earlier in the string mentioned gaslighting, it seems to me that this is exactly what this is. You have lost your perspective on a situation that you would have had firm views on in the past. Take a step back and view this for what it is (whatever that may be)

Look, it’s not just a matter of respect, it’s about boundary setting. He calls you controlling, but what you’re actually doing is setting reasonable boundaries about how you’ll behave in the absence of each other. This is quite normal.

Let me tell you OP, he's taking the piss. No normal man will omit telling ladies about there partner, drink and invite them around without an alteria motive. In any case, Stroking his ego at the expense of your confidence and trust is a bullshit thing to do.

Depends. A complete stranger would be weird but someone he's friends with wouldn't.

I have plenty of male friends and will often spend time in their company alone, sometimes staying at their house.

And I don't invite my partner along because we aren't one person, so we're well capable of doing things independently and we trust each other.

You are wasting your time with this man. Dump him.

For your own self respect don't give him any other opportunity to say you are this and that. He has had his chance and refuses to act like a normal partner. He is a creep. Dump him. Don't give too much reason . He knows the reason. Don't put yourself through any more humiliation. You will be sad but do not contact him or get into messy discussions. That will help you recover quickly. At his age he will never grow up.

Don't blame the single woman.

She has every right to go to the place of any single man and do whatever she wants there.

He isn't a nice guy.

He is leading her to believe he is single.

He his treating you like shit. Pulling other women on nights out.

No wonder his previous girlfriends had enough and left.

Up thread, someone mentioned “harem”. It is not an unreasonable or controlling boundary to not want to be in anyone’s harem. And, yes, that is what is going on here, imho.

He has been coaching you into believing you are unreasonable because that is grease on the skids of his modus operandi.

You are in a relationship with him, but he is not in a relationship with you. Ouch. It is not unreasonable to feel the ouch.

He treats you like you are invisible. To your face. This is so psychologically damaging. It isn’t like “out of sight-out of mind”; he is throwing it in your face and expects you to...what?...be happy for him? Nope.

From the many years I have been on MN, it is considered a red flag if anybody says you are good for your partner. Improving (or whatever the “good for” means) someone will usually be at your expense-emotionally speaking, as well as the time invested/lost. They are not a child and you are not a parent to them. He quite right does not like you policing his extra-relationship activities...but the fact that you are in a position to police his activities says it all: you shouldn’t have that circumstance at all.

You are the good enough for now girl, filling a slot on his roster. Sorry, I don’t think it will ever evolve from that.

Stop listening to him, stop caring what he thinks. Emotionally detach (you sound like you are already making progress here)...then dumping him will just be an administrative task with no need to listen to the background noise of his pontifical protestations.

Bollocks to ultimatums. Just end it. He's a dick who has taken massive advantage of your vulnerabilities.

You got cheated on by your ex. That makes it correct for you to be less trusting. You were too trusting before. This thundercunt behaved appallingly and then pushed you to thinking that it is you who is unreasonable. What a dick.

All this agonising over every detail. FFS. Come on. You know what's right and wrong. You seem to require him to agree that he's cheating or crossing other lines before it is OK for you to be allowed to say it. Fuck that. Same for your mates. Other people are not the boss of your mind! Not your ex, not this cock, not your soppy friends.

Dump him because the relationship doesn't make you happy. Don't give a forensic analysis like on this thread. He's a manipulative cock who has used your past hurt to take the piss and twist the knife.

Find your anger. Stop listening to the shite that comes out of his mouth.

I have plenty of male friends and will often spend time in their company alone, sometimes staying at their house

Do you pretend you're single to them and lie to your DP about who you were with? No? well then it isn't the same situation at all, is it?

Actually I don't see the problem with this. If they are friends, they are friends. You have to have trust in the relationship.

I have male friends I would bring back home after the pub and it would be fine, nothing more to it.

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie

Do you pretend you're single to them and lie to your DP about who you were with? No? well then it isn't the same situation at all, is it?

Trinity66 are you deliberately obtuse? I also said actual friends, fine. Strangers from the pub, not fine.

Trinity66 are you deliberately obtuse? I also said actual friends, fine. Strangers from the pub, not fine

The OP also said that she was fine with his actual female friends aswell though

Sorry to be so blunt, but I've lived and really feel for you😔...

The only reason I wouldn't mention my partner is if I wanted the person to / act as if/ judge me as if/ believe/ I was single, footloose and fancy free! Why else??😔Anybody?