Am I being a total nob head?

[Platterheed]

I’ve not been on here for a while, however, I need to know - am I being a dick?

My partner of two and a half years sees no problem with taking a younger, hot lady back to his flat for a drink because the pub has shut and they want to carry on.

We have a good relationship generally, he has female friends he drinks and chats with.

He’s lied about a few things in the past to try and get this sort of scenario under the radar.

He previously moved a drink with this woman (an old colleague) because I was going over there (his request - he was going away for a month the day after) but, stupidly told me he didn’t mention me or that I was the reason he was cancelling to her.

She’s single and I think she thinks he’s single.

Apparently, I shouldn’t have a problem with him taking women home for a drink - but I really do!

Either way, I’m not sure if I’m being a total untrusting nobhead, or whether he’s totally disrespecting me because I do have a problem with it.

I’m pretty liberal, I accept and like most of his female friends but I just feel really uncomfortable about this woman.

I need some honest opinions as I can’t work out my head from my arse on this one!

How is this person amazing with your son exactly?. Some role model he is to your son (he is your most precious resource after all) and the "good" you write about this man is really the barest of bare minimums of what is and should be acceptable in a relationship as well. Thought your bar and boundaries were and remain too low here.

I also think he would have huge issues with you if the shoe was on the other foot.

I would also read up on co-dependency in relationships and see how much if any of that resonates with your own self.

I'm not sure what kind of ''fill my ego'' sort of game he's playing,but so horribly damaging to you,whilst he plays it. It's one thing having female friends,completely different having a habit of hanging out with younger girls,after pub,forgetting to mention he has a girlfriend. Whatever way he tries to twist it round,turn it to ''a no big deal thing''.....you know it's cruel,and shouldn't be done....after all you said you'd never do it to him,course you wouldn't,you know how hurtful it is.

I have no idea, why you are putting all of your eggs in this basket? You're in your 40's, it's been 2.5 years, and not only hasn't the relationship moved forward, he's blatantly seeing other women. Aren't you a bit old for all this shit? (Meant nicely, I'm late 40's myself).

Honestly, if I was you, I'd start seeing other men. If anyone sees you out with one of them, or even going back to yours, and he dares to say anything, you can give him a dead pan look and say "that's how we roll isn't it?"

Trust your gut. My husband has female friends who he messages etc. and I have no problem with it all. If he wanted to go out for a drink with any of them, I would be totally fine with it.

There's a reason you feel insecure about it...and he should understand and respect that. It is his behaviour that is making you question his intentions, don't question yourself.

Atilla, I have felt the relationship has more good than bad.

He is with me much of the time and I do tend to know when he’s going out for drinks etc.

When he’s tried to cover up, he’s given himself away.

I don’t think there are deep rooted psychological issues on my part here. I think I just have probably been too trusting, and I didn’t want the possessive girlfriend tag. I’m really not. I’m just sick of other women giving him attention because he encourages it.

We have everything I’d ever want apart from the sniffing around women thing. It’s not even frequent or like it’s every week. I can’t understand why he’d be with me at all if he wanted to go elsewhere. He doesn’t hide me.

But it’s all so brazen.

Husky, I agree. I am way too old for this level of total bullshit. And I like your style. If it’s going to end, I may as well do to him what every other woman has and go out in style.

At least I know it will have an impact. But I’m too feckin’ old for the games too...but they may make me feel a bit more equal.

I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him

Bextor, It is cruel. You’re right. I just wouldn’t do it.

Toomanykids. I’ve always felt in my gut, he’s been faithful. But I am not going to feel he’s faithful if he’s taking single women who don’t know about me home and my gut screams ‘wrong, wrong, wrong’.

It only takes a moment to decide whether you’re going to bed someone, right or wrong. I wouldn’t want to be in a position where a bloke thought I was game, partner or not. If I wasn’t interested I wouldn’t have them back. Who likes fighting off blokes who had the wrong idea in your own home??? It’s happened to me on meeting for a drink in the pub. I assumed it was a catch up because he was married. He suggested a hotel bar and STILL I thought nothing of it. Until the ‘my Wife doesn’t understand me routine came out’.

I have always been accepting of his female friends. Even the ones who like to message about pretend work stuff at 09:00am Sunday morning - just to get his attention away from me. That persisted every week for months. I let it slide as he didn’t play up to it. He doesn’t bother with her now and she finally got the message he was busy.

It’s exhausting. I love him, but bloody hell this crap is wearing me out.

Stop being a mug, inviting single women back for drinks for goodness sake, asking for trouble, he's flirting to the extent that they are going back with him, you said yourself the woman thinks he's single too, tell him to fuck off, he's making a complete fool out of you, I'm shocked you even have to ask if this is ok.

God I know this type so well. Usually arty, faux hippyish, intelligent guys. My ex was one and two years ago I left him and the stomach churning other women "they're just friends" bullshit behind.
Honestly, you've said you find it exhausting and you know that you deserve more than to feel like you have to play the 'cool girlfriend' card at this stage in life, or ever for that matter. Move on and find someone who's not so intent on carrying on his student days into retirement

I totally understand why you feel conflicted, OP - on the one hand, my boyfriend has good female friends and I wouldn't turn a hair if he told me they went back to his and had a drink.

But....this isn't a good female friend, is it? This is some girl he likes to flirt with, who he conveniently hasn't told he has a girlfriend, and who he clumsily tries to keep you from finding out about.

All this smells wrong. You aren't being paranoid or possessive - you are picking up on his deception.

It's easy for us to all say "DUMP HIM NOW, why have you let it get so far, what I don't understand is why you even have to ask" etc, but it can be hard not to second guess yourself when all you have to go on is this nebulous "this feels different to other time you spend with your friends". And when he is denying it so hard.

Trust your gut, op. This isn't OK, and you are smart and right to pick up on it.

Woah hang on a minute. He previously moved a drink to avoid seeing you while he was out drinking with another woman...

What on earth do you expect anyone to say other than REALLY? Girl what are you playing at?
He clearly likes this girl. What makes you think nothing happened? I call BS..

He's a typical Jack the lad

Bollocks to the people who said I'm cool with it. This behaviour really isn't normal. Thats why you don't like it!

To answer your question.. NO!
HE'S Being an utter nob head with bells on!

Thanks Ardwolves.

I thank you for empathising because that’s just how I see it but it’s hard to say out loud to people in real life without getting the disrespect of my friends on top. That’s going to make me feel double-shit for being a mug and I feel bad enough.

I’ve always thought I had to try harder this time because my DS’s dad left me for a younger work colleague.

So, knowing I had to work on being trusting after the hideous ordeal, has clearly thrown my barriers and common sense into disarray.

I had to ask because I’d just come off the phone where I was made to feel like I was being ridiculous. And I know I’m not.

I needed to check this isn’t an overreaction due to my bad experience(s).

And of course, it’s not.

And given he knows my history, it is all the more galling he’s using the loophole really!

I really have to throw out the ultimatums - he won’t meet them, but seriously - I’ve loved our relationship when this bullshit hasn’t been the main focus.

I have no idea why I’m not enough for him given the love and affection, the companionship, the laughs that are there.

He’s always put up a fight to keep me when I’ve stamped my foot and said I’ve had enough of it all. It has got less. He is more open. And you can imagine, I’ve had to put my foot down a few times.

But ultimately, what he’s doing is just shit.

I needed to sound it out. I needed to ask opinion. Because on trust, I’m confused.

AdayinDisney, no he cancelled the drink with her, because he wanted to see me as he was going to spend a month with his mum at the other side of the world.

He’d tried to see her earlier in the evening before I arrived, which I thought ‘fair enough’ to as I was due to get there around 9:30pm.

However, he actually told me he’d cancelled as she thought it wasn’t enough time. I was a bit taken aback and asked if he’d told her he was moving it because I was arriving. He honestly told me without thinking that no, he’d just said he had loads to do before he went!

That’s not normal. Surely you’d just say my partners about to arrive as I’m going away and we want some time together?

I’ve been pissed odd about her ever since. Of course they arranged to meet up for a lengthy drink on his return so he could tell her all about his trip.

I’m livid just writing that...

He hasn’t seen her for years, they used to work together. He says nothing ever happened between them, but I don’t fit in this picture anywhere and a friend, a true friend - would know about me. She doesn’t know anything from him, and if she knows through mutual friends, then he’s clearly made it known that I’m nothing to get in the way.

I’ve been out for drinks with blokes who hid their partners a couple of times and I hated them for it. I was disgusted they’d led me on behind their partners backs. Repulsed they thought it was ok and that once I did know, I’d be ok with it.

It’s just not a winner on any level.

Have you told him how you feel. You're not being unreasonable. I think he's being mean to you.

What is there to love about such a man?.

You could well be confusing love for him with codependency.

How does this relationship also have more good in it that bad, describe good as well. Your too low boundaries and bar allowed this person to enter your life and now you've had 2.5 years of him. Empathetic people like your good self are manna from heaven for such types as they can easily manipulate you into thinking you are being unreasonable when you are not.

You are wrong; you do not have to try harder this time just because your ex H left you for some younger model. That was his doing and none of yours. He was also selfish and only thought of his own self and needs just like this current bloke you are with is doing.

No woman will be enough for this person because he cannot and will not ever address his own issues; he just wants someone else to blame.

Atilla, thanks. I agree With some of what you’re saying.

I genuinely don’t think it’s a co-dependency thing. I guess it’s stupidity.

I like a lot of what he brings, we share a lot of interests, friends, laughs. I feel good with him a lot of the time.

Sadly, so do a lot of women!!

He’s committed in a lot of ways.

But, he thinks drinking with single ladies is ok without mentioning me. Arranging it all like I don’t exist. Trying to hide it. That’s as confusing as fuck.

Of course he bloody fancies her, she’s gorgeous. He spent most of last year slamming selfies and anyone who posted them. Funny, he always likes hers on FB!

And yes, it’s pretty mean behaviour Hope. I have told him each and every time how this makes me feel and I get accused of possessiveness. That I’m tracking him. I’m unbelievably crap for not trusting him...

Yet, he’s very open that I’m his partner to all his closest, his family. Most people in his sphere know we’re together. But she doesn’t have it from him. Neither did the last one.

Every birthday he’s had, the social media messages give it all away...I’ve of course told him they’ve just outed their special friendships with over familiarity and over the top greetings.

He just says he can’t help women writing ‘I miss you’, because he’s not been in touch with them due to our relationship.

groans I’m just too fucking old for this crap....

Not to old to go out and have fun Even say you need a break for a while,go enjoy yourself(stress free),see how you enjoy being apart,then decide how you feel about the whole situation. Also it means he's not controlling this whole relationship.

Cheers Bexter. You’re right of course.

I just need to get my head around what I have to do to feel free to have that fun...

Gross. He is a nob head. You are being a mug. He has no respect for you or your relationship, at least have some for yourself and tell the thirsty fucker to piss off.

‘This isn’t ok with me. If it doesn’t stop then I’ll be another of your exes who has left to find a guy who doesn’t act single and go drinking with other women.’

We have everything I’d ever want apart from the sniffing around women thing

That sentence is bizarre, sniffing around other women is a deal breaker, big time deal breaker.

She’s single and I think she thinks he’s single.

So he is taking a woman back to his house and pretending he's single? This is not innocent at all!!!

He's trying to get close to these other women and either failing or succeeding without your knowledge. You'll never know what goes on at these 'drinking parties' but I can tell you I'm certain it's intimate.

I'd be gone in a flash. Of course he'll say his exes were all fine with it - I'm sure that's why they're exes now.