Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

DP changed his mind about marriage

59 replies

CurlyRover · 12/04/2018 14:38

DP and I have been together for almost 3 years and were planning on getting married next year. We'd looked at venues and spoken to our chosen one to see what dates they had available.

Then about 2 months ago we had a huge argument and almost split up and now DP has completely changed his mind on getting married.

He's been married before. The whole relationship from meeting, moving in, getting married, having a baby and filing for divorce was only 3 and a half years. He said he doesn't want to make the same mistakes again or for us to end up as another statistic re divorce. He wants us to be healthy, happy and stable before planning a wedding.

I feel like I can't even talk to him about marriage at the moment. I don't think we should be planning a wedding next year but he won't even talk about it at the moment. I feel that we can't change what happened in the past (specifically the huge argument) and I want to move forwards more positively with him. I just can't seem to let go of the idea of us getting married.

Part of me feels I should think it's good he wants us to be more stable before progressing. The other part of me feels we've been together almost 3 years, if we're not serious about each other now then what on earth are we playing at?

I know that by pushing the topic I'm going to end up pushing him away. How do I let it go and just be in the here and now and working on making us stronger? He's right isn't he about wanting to wait?

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 12/04/2018 14:46

I don't think he's necessarily right
What was the argument about?

KirstenRaymonde · 12/04/2018 14:49

What was the big argument about?

Original poster

CurlyRover · 12/04/2018 14:49

It started off as nothing in particular Shox but it escalated massively quite quickly. The whole thing ended up pushing both of our buttons and we both said a lot of things we didn't mean, most of which was in front of his 6 year old

He said this morning that he'd finally felt ready to progress our relationship and then within a week the shit had hit the fan and now he just feels really rubbish.

OP posts:

TroubledLichen · 12/04/2018 15:03

I do see where he is coming from. If you almost split up only 2 months ago it is sensible to make sure your relationship is solid before you get married. Without knowing what the argument was about it’s tricky but could you both agree not to talk about for the next 6 months? Just essentially put it on ice whilst you focus on your relationship and then have a serious discussion in 6 months. However, it sounds like he might have completely gone off the idea full stop so you may need to think about what’s more important to you- being in a relationship with him or getting married.

430West · 12/04/2018 15:04

He said this morning that he'd finally felt ready to progress our relationship and then within a week the shit had hit the fan and now he just feels really rubbish.

I'm very wary of manipulative comments like this OP, they're designed to shut you up, stop you from complaining etc...

The fact is, unless he is all but shooing you down the aisle to get married, its probably best not to.

Original poster

CurlyRover · 12/04/2018 15:04

Meant to say in my OP. The big argument happened on the weekend and a few days later we were due to exchange and complete on our house purchase. We very nearly didn't go through with it.

We did go ahead and tbf we did do joint ownership. This being despite DP contributing the most financially - there was about a 70:30 split in terms of the deposit.

DP says if he wasn't serious about us, there's no way he would've gone ahead with the purchase nor would he have done joint ownership.

OP posts:

430West · 12/04/2018 15:05

I'll bet the 'argument' had at its core OP voicing what was probably pretty reasonable displeasure about something, and the DP taking exception at being called out.

TroubledLichen · 12/04/2018 15:06

x-posted with your update. Yes you absolutely need to work on your relationship first. I’m sure you know that rowing like the that in front of his 6 year old is not ok. But definitely set a deadline as it sounds like he could be messing you about; blowing hot/cold regarding marriage and essentially just not being clear about what he wants.

430West · 12/04/2018 15:08

x post there...

I expect you will never hear the end of the Huge Sacrifice he has made by agreeing to put the house in joint tenancy (I'm assuming this is what you mean, as opposed to tenants-in-common, where you both own a %?)

Original poster

CurlyRover · 12/04/2018 15:12

The argument started out because he got up with his DSD in the morning. For the first time in months she'd actually slept through the night. When I got up I asked him what she'd had for breakfast. He said she'd had 4 yoghurts, to which I expressed my disapproval as I really didn't think 4 sugary yoghurts was the best breakfast. I didn't think it was a huge deal, I was just saying it's probably not the best breakfast but whatever. Anyway we got into a bit of a row. He stormed off upstairs. I followed him and he told me to fuck off.

We had already planned a day out and didn't want to disappoint DSD who was excited about the day ahead. I was pissed off that he hadn't even apologised for swearing at me and he was pissed off because he felt like I was criticising his parenting decisions (not the first time). Things escalated from there, we both said things we didn't mean, I acted like a total dick and we very nearly broke up. We spent the day apart and after he'd dropped off DSD back to her Mum's we got back together to talk things through.

OP posts:

Original poster

CurlyRover · 12/04/2018 15:16

430West yes joint tenancy. He hasn't actually mentioned joint tenancy tbf. Sorry that last bit was me putting words in his mouth. What was actually said was something along the lines of if he wasn't serious about us, he wouldn't have bought a house with me.

OP posts:

430West · 12/04/2018 15:31

How do you feel about the power balance in your relationship OP?

Do you feel like you are equal partners? Do you both do a similar amount of compromising to 'meet in the middle' on issues?

My point is, once you are married and have DCs, your earning potential will take a serious knock for a good few years. How your DP is behaving now is (IMO) a good indicator of how they will behave when they actually do hold all the cards (financially at least).

Have a good, long think OP - MN is littered with women who essentially failed to realise the sort of man they were marrying until it was too late. You have a golden opportunity here to dodge a potential bullet, so use it wisely.

Thymeout · 12/04/2018 15:33

I think he obviously feels differently about marriage from you. It's difficult to get excited about a wedding when you've been there, done that and got the divorce to prove it.

The argument was only 2 months ago. You'll need a lot more time and some positive experiences together for it to fade into the distant past. What do you think would have happened if you hadn't been in the middle of buying a house? Is it possible you might have split up?

You say you're not expecting to get married next year now. So try to stop thinking about it. Baby steps, see how it goes. Having a step situation is an added problem because it means that sometimes you won't be on the same page because he's going to feel differently about her from you.
Hope it all works out in the end, but you'll need to be very patient.

430West · 12/04/2018 15:35

...the reason I ask, btw, is that I'm also a bit about this comment too...

if if he wasn't serious about us, he wouldn't have bought a house with me

It strikes me as very manipulative; he actually gains a lot from buying a house together with you, greater income multiple from the lender, larger deposit etc. He is dressing it up as somehow being a favour to you, but it does massively benefit him too.

Onemansoapopera · 12/04/2018 15:51

I think he's being very astute and you should give him credit for thinking with his head not his heart on this one.

By your own admission you acted like a dick, and he's clearly forgiven you, but it's had an effect on whether he wants to be married to you, at this time. That's what happens with huge, watershed arguments sadly.

Original poster

CurlyRover · 12/04/2018 15:59

he actually gains a lot from buying a house together with you, greater income multiple from the lender, larger deposit etc. He is dressing it up as somehow being a favour to you, but it does massively benefit him too

Except none of that is true 430 He could have paid the deposit on his own and the bank would've lent him enough as we bought a house which cost way less than what they would've lent us and still substantially less than what he alone could have borrowed. All me buying a house with him meant was he didn't use 100% of his savings and now added to that he could lose a substantial amount more if we were to break up.

I don't think he was trying to say it was a favour at all. More just him trying to say if he wasn't serious he wouldn't have done it likewise if I wasn't serious about him there's no way I would have bought a house with him.

Currently he does technically hold all the cards financially. Long story short I'm not currently working, after a long discussion I handed my notice a few weeks after we completed. So technically speaking he does hold all the cards financially but it doesn't feel like it in the slightest.

Thank you Thymeout for your advice. I don't think we would've split up if we weren't in the middle of buying a house. I think if anything the house purchase has added to the stresses as we've both found moving very stressful. But I get what you're saying about positive experiences needed to fade the negative into the background.

OP posts:

Original poster

CurlyRover · 12/04/2018 16:01

I think he's being very astute and you should give him credit for thinking with his head not his heart on this one.

Yes you're right onemansoapopera It's just hard not to feel sad about the effect it's had

OP posts:

dirtybadger · 12/04/2018 16:04

Do you plan on having DC together? If not then to be honest I cant see the problem as it isnt time sensitive at all. What is the purpose of getting married? I dont mean "whats the point anyway", but are there any specific legal or practical reasons that you wish to marry which might be contributing to his reluctance and your enthusiasm? If you plan on having DC then an argument specifically around parenting (sort of) may understandably knock the confidence of either of you in your future, but equally makes it more important you do it sooner. If you do want DC, maybe you could just have a slightly different wedding (registry office, cheap and quick, etc) after this delay, so that you are still on around about the same timing after recovering from this (assuming you do).

I agree with others- revisit in 6-12 months. I dont see what he said as manipulative necessarily. It could be. Or he could just be being honest...I wouldnt buy a house with someone I wasnt serious about. The potential financial gain described in a previous post wouldnt be worth it for most people I expect. If he started rubbing your knows in your larger financial contribution then thatd be something different.

LimonViola · 12/04/2018 16:06

It sounds like he's being smart and trying to put his child first. If I'd had a huge argument in front of my young child bad enough to need to take her back to her other parent, I'd want a good long while to see how things went before expecting to make my partner that poor child's stepparent. Not as a punishment, just out of being sensible!

This kid has already gone through seeing her parents split up, adjusted to her dad (maybe mum too) having a new partner and you playing stepmum, witnessed her dad and his new partner have an almighty row where you 'acted like a dick' and both said awful things in front of her, I'm not saying it's either of your faults more than the other but just on the basis that he had a child to think about, it's absolutely wise to be taking a bit of a step back now to reconsider and see how things go before disrupting his child's life even further with another marriage that might then end in another divorce. I don't think he wants his daughter to experience seeing her parents divorce twice before she's even at secondary school.

I don't understand PP coming down so hard on him tbh. OP has admitted she acted like a dick, so I'm not sure why PP are ignoring the impact on his daughter and focusing on queries about him being manipulative, controlling etc.

By all means, set a deadline in your mind for when you will wait for before walking away if marriage is important to you. But if you try push this I am fairly sure he will leave you and put his daughter's security and stability first, if he's any kind of man.

dirtybadger · 12/04/2018 16:07

Your nose* not knows. Wtf

LimonViola · 12/04/2018 16:08

Why did you stop working?

LimonViola · 12/04/2018 16:08

And how are you financing your living expenses/life/car/food now?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 12/04/2018 16:18

Long story short I'm not currently working, after a long discussion I handed my notice a few weeks after we completed. So technically speaking he does hold all the cards financially but it doesn't feel like it in the slightest.

Change this as a matter of absolute urgency.

Original poster

CurlyRover · 12/04/2018 16:24

We'd like to have DC eventually.

Change this as a matter of absolute urgency.

^^ I'm trying. My old job was making my mental health much worse as my boss was absolutely awful. So we made the decision for me to hand my notice in and then try and look for an alternative rather than trying to hang on and make myself feel much worse until I found something.

The holding all the cards comment was in relation to what 430 says. As I said, it doesn't actually feel like he holds all the cards. Currently don't have a car and all bills come out of the joint account.

OP posts:

Ilovefishcakes201 · 12/04/2018 16:37

You dont come across very well in this argument. You criticised his parenting and went after him when he walked away and proceeded to "act like a total dick"

OP you say it's not the first time he has felt you criticise his parenting style?
Do you think he is not a good parent, and why?

Flip

1 2 3