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Relationships

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Original poster

DP changed his mind about marriage

59 replies

CurlyRover · 12/04/2018 14:38

DP and I have been together for almost 3 years and were planning on getting married next year. We'd looked at venues and spoken to our chosen one to see what dates they had available.

Then about 2 months ago we had a huge argument and almost split up and now DP has completely changed his mind on getting married.

He's been married before. The whole relationship from meeting, moving in, getting married, having a baby and filing for divorce was only 3 and a half years. He said he doesn't want to make the same mistakes again or for us to end up as another statistic re divorce. He wants us to be healthy, happy and stable before planning a wedding.

I feel like I can't even talk to him about marriage at the moment. I don't think we should be planning a wedding next year but he won't even talk about it at the moment. I feel that we can't change what happened in the past (specifically the huge argument) and I want to move forwards more positively with him. I just can't seem to let go of the idea of us getting married.

Part of me feels I should think it's good he wants us to be more stable before progressing. The other part of me feels we've been together almost 3 years, if we're not serious about each other now then what on earth are we playing at?

I know that by pushing the topic I'm going to end up pushing him away. How do I let it go and just be in the here and now and working on making us stronger? He's right isn't he about wanting to wait?

OP posts:

Original poster

CurlyRover · 12/04/2018 16:48

fishcakes I do think he is a good parent just that some decisions or choices are not what I would make. I think things are made worse in a step situation. Two people aren't always going to agree on how best to handle things but I think it can be even worse in a step situation and one or the other easily feels criticised.

I feel often if I take a different view on things he feels criticised as a parent which isn't my intention at all.

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WonderWombat · 12/04/2018 16:52

I'm honestly not sure I would want to marry a man who let his young daughter have four yogurts for breakfast.

I do see that this is not the point, on one level. But perhaps on another level it is.

If you are planning to settle down together having similar views about parenting a child and/or being able to resolve different viewpoints is a pretty key issue

Original poster

CurlyRover · 12/04/2018 17:15

I'm honestly not sure I would want to marry a man who let his young daughter have four yogurts for breakfast.

It's not great is it. He said he gave her the choice of yoghurts or cereal and never meant for her to have some many, she just then helped herself to the 4. Of course she picked yoghurts and of course she helped herself to as many as she wanted it he wasn't in the room, she's 6. But as her parent I feel he could have at least checked how many she was having.

The argument essentially started because he said I was being too negative, I should have been happy she slept through the night for once and it's not the end of the world. I was happy she slept through the night and no it wasn't the end of the world but I was only trying to point out 4 sugary yoghurts is not the best.

Anyway the specifics are by the by really. I totally agree with you that being able to resolve different viewpoints is a key issue.

OP posts:

DameFanny · 12/04/2018 17:21

I guess one question is, what are you doing to work on the relationship together? He's set very arbitrary terms for you getting married, but do you both have specific ideas about how to achieve those terms?

Long story short - are you booked in for couples counseling to do some specific work with someone knowledgeable?

Ilovefishcakes201 · 12/04/2018 17:21

curly if you think he is a good parent then without sounding rude it's not your place to tell him how to parent his child.

If a reasonable person tells you they feel you bully or criticise them, then the onus is on you to stop anything that might be construed is criticising. In this case stop your unwanted 'advise'

**I personally think yogurt for breakfast is okay for a 6yo child.

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 12/04/2018 17:28

I'd let him decide what he feeds his child tbf.

Foodylicious · 12/04/2018 17:37

Sounds tricky, but it's really not for you to tell him (after the fact) how crap he is at parenting over a one off poor breakfast choice/poor supervision of breakfast

You are his partner not his mum. And she is his child, though you might well be very involved.

It sounds very much like you still think you were right to say something, and whilst the breakfast scenario wasn't great, she is 6. 6 year olds are sneaky and will do stuff like this from time to time, but it doesn't mean he has to helicopter parent all the time.

Do you know why it is you want to get married so badly? It must be disappointing that you thought you had the next few years napped out, and now things have changed.

Do you really still want to be married to HIM, and have children with HIM? or is that you feel you have invested 3+year's so you feel it's the right thing to do?

Original poster

CurlyRover · 12/04/2018 17:49

Dame we're doing DBT together and trying to take on board what the other is saying or what the other needs.

I don't necessarily think it was wrong to say something given that it was only intended to be a passing comment. But point taken. And fair point foodylicious about 6 year olds being sneaky and that not necessarily meaning you need to be helicoptery. Maybe my approach should be to say something if she's doing something dangerous and he hasn't realised and to keep schtum about all other situations.

I do still want to be married to HIM specifically. I don't know why I want it so badly though. I think part of it is knowing I love him, knowing I want to commit to him and having been excited about our planning and then all of that changing.

We are going away together just the two of us after Christmas. Do you think it would be reasonable for me to say (in my mind) I'll not mention it until then unless he brings it up? And if he hasn't mentioned it by then for me to bring it up and have a serious conversation about it whilst we are away?

OP posts:

Original poster

CurlyRover · 12/04/2018 17:50

Sorry. I'm rubbish with words this evening. By all of that changing I didn't mean about loving him and wanting to commit to him etc, just about the planning and being excited about our wedding.

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yetmorecrap · 12/04/2018 17:55

I totally understand his reasoning. If you have been married before I think it’s fair to say you will usually be way more cautious if you a serious kind of person

Foodylicious · 12/04/2018 18:01

I think you plan re holiday after Christmas sounds reasonable.
You will be able to see how committed he is over the next few months in your DBT.
Are you having individual sessions too?

MyKingdomForBrie · 12/04/2018 18:05

I think you were out of order to criticise him and to follow him upstairs to continue the row, especially with his little one there.

Currently you’re being a bit of a fannylodger, which is fine if he’s happy with the situation but I don’t think I’d feel like committing for life to someone who was happy to live off me while criticising my parenting (he didn’t even chose to give her four yoghurts it was just one of those mistakes that happen with kids - i.e not handing out the specific amount of food)

Original poster

CurlyRover · 12/04/2018 18:19

Wow okay fannylodger is a bit harsh. Where did I say I was happy with the situation?

I said that we decided it was better for my mental health to leave my job. I wouldn't have left if he wasn't 100% on board with the idea. I didn't intend to criticise him but I know how it obviously came across and I totally agree with you I was wrong to follow him. I just felt at the time it was highly unfair of him to get pissed off for me "criticising" him but then deem it acceptable to leave me with her for 2 hours as he was sulking...

I am currently seeing a counsellor on my own Foody. He's not but we felt the DBT plus my counselling should help enough and if it doesn't then we'll look at him seeing one too or at other options.

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SandyY2K · 12/04/2018 18:22

To some extent I do think he's serious about you, because he wouldn't have agreed that you should resign and become financially dependant on him, while you seek alternative employment.

Becoming dependant on a man I wasn't married to isn't something I'd do.

If it were me ... I wouldn't mention marriage. I'd continue job hunting as a priority.

I'd then invest time in me. Socialising and ensuring I have a life outside of the relationship.

Keep in touch with friends and be your own person.

If he makes parenting choices you don't agree with. You need to think long and hard if he's who you'd chose to be the father of your child.

I really don't think yoghurt should have been an option for breakfast tbh. One wouldn't really be enough .. and it isn't a nutritious breakfast for a child her age.

430West · 12/04/2018 20:03

See, I worry that he was indeed 100% onboard with the idea of you resigning precisely because it made you dependent on him without the protection of marriage.

He calls the shots, and you have very little choice but to toe the line. I do understand that he might not actually call the shots as such, and you don't actually toe the line, but if push came to shove, then this would be the outcome, and this fact permeates the whole of the relationship.

Hence my comment about the overall power balance in your relationship.

I can see why he likes this arrangement.

sheworebluevelet · 12/04/2018 20:14

I would be very careful about his no marriage decision because now he's said it, well, you can't argue against it.
Perhaps the new house and new job prospects are enough for now but you may want to get married in a few years. It may become important to and it's very tricky once you are living together anyway to make a strong case.
I agree with people who said get a good job, get lots of friends and hobbies etc. The more life you can have without him in the better in terms of asserting your position.

lifebegins50 · 12/04/2018 21:06

criticising his parenting decisions (not the first time

Watch out for a partner who can't handle slights or criticism.

Mentioning the yoghurts should not have caused his over reaction.It could have been shrugged or laughed off.
It's important you are able to comment on simply issues if you are going to be a step parent.He won't get it right all the time and neither will you but both have to acceot feedback (as long as its not too critical).

How old are you both?

Caucho · 12/04/2018 21:19

If I had a girlfriend who didn’t work, criticised me, didn’t have kids with, acted like a dick I doubt I’d marry her either. What’s in it for him?

Caucho · 12/04/2018 21:26

430 West is nuts. Steams in with he’s massively benefiting from double income mortgage ability with zero knowledge of any of the facts. Then when is presented with the truth doubles down with him benefiting from not working (the total opposite so what she said in her previous post). Plus he’s put most of the money in and given her an equal share. Ok I get it. The man is an absolute bastard regardless of anything he does or says.

Coolaschmoola · 12/04/2018 21:27

What yoghurts were they?

As the parent of a six year old I'd FAR rather she had yoghurt for breakfast than cereal.

One is rich in calcium and full of protein, the other is highly processed carbs and, generally, some sugar. Cereal is a shite breakfast that doesn't keep kids full.

But hey, evil yoghurt.

Caucho · 12/04/2018 21:28

If he is such a dick maybe she should leave him and pay her own way

Dozer · 12/04/2018 21:35

How old are you? Relevant because you say you want DC.

Your priorities should be your mental health and getting back to work asap. Not good at all to be financially dependent on him.

Hope you have a legal agreement with respect to the property: if not, sort one out.

In what ways did you “behave like a dick” that day: based on the info you’ve provided it sounds like HE behaved like a dick.

Dozer · 12/04/2018 21:38

Most kids’ yoghurts are sugartastic.

Original poster

CurlyRover · 12/04/2018 22:30

That's interesting you'd rather the yoghurts cool I can't remember exactly what they were, some sort of kids brand in strawberry flavour. The sugary ones that have no actual fruit in them whereas the cereal she normally has is either weetabix or porridge.

I suspect lifebegins the over reaction was because he was feeling his DD had finally slept through the night and he had wanted me to be positive whereeas from his perspective I'd just ended up coming out with something he had perceived to be negative. I've mentioned things since (such as her not flushing the toilet) and he's been totally fine with it.

Oh do shut up 430West.

Dozer what sort of legal agreement with regards to the property?

I'm late late twenties and he's early thirties.

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Original poster

CurlyRover · 12/04/2018 22:32

And why such criticism over me not working? I've been out of work a matter of weeks, we both made the decision for me to give up my job because I was being bullied and it was seriously affecting my mental health and I'm trying my hardest to get something else. Would people have felt better if I'd stayed in work and ended up sectioned or worse? But hey at least then I wouldn't be a fanny lodger...

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