DP changed his mind about marriage

[CurlyRover]

DP and I have been together for almost 3 years and were planning on getting married next year. We'd looked at venues and spoken to our chosen one to see what dates they had available.

Then about 2 months ago we had a huge argument and almost split up and now DP has completely changed his mind on getting married.

He's been married before. The whole relationship from meeting, moving in, getting married, having a baby and filing for divorce was only 3 and a half years. He said he doesn't want to make the same mistakes again or for us to end up as another statistic re divorce. He wants us to be healthy, happy and stable before planning a wedding.

I feel like I can't even talk to him about marriage at the moment. I don't think we should be planning a wedding next year but he won't even talk about it at the moment. I feel that we can't change what happened in the past (specifically the huge argument) and I want to move forwards more positively with him. I just can't seem to let go of the idea of us getting married.

Part of me feels I should think it's good he wants us to be more stable before progressing. The other part of me feels we've been together almost 3 years, if we're not serious about each other now then what on earth are we playing at?

I know that by pushing the topic I'm going to end up pushing him away. How do I let it go and just be in the here and now and working on making us stronger? He's right isn't he about wanting to wait?

How did it go from, "4 yoghurts is not the best thing" to flaming row and relationship over?

That is what you need to understand before YOU marry this guy.

It does not sound a healthy way to communicate and its important you feel that issues, small or large, get resolved well.

I was probably being a bit harsh owing to be annoyed by someone else who went from he’s still massIvely benefiting from your work in getting a bigger mortgage to immediately saying ok that’s not true and he’s massively benefiting from your unemployment and has you exactly where he wants. Regardless he seems to have second thoughts and that’s sensible. If you’re not getting on why would either of you want to be married?

I'd be pissed off if I was proud of something my kid had done, and my partner basically came and pissed on my chips about something irrelevant - it's not really very nice behaviour.

I'm not going to criticise you for quitting your job because I think good mental health is really important, but please make plans to get another job ASAP - if he ends up funding you long-term it might cause even more issues.

I also think he's been sensible wrt to the marriage issue. You had a massive row and almost broke up - all in front of his six year old. That's not great on both sides and he needs to put her needs first.

Well I was the one who used that term but I also said it’s fine as long as he’s happy with it, I just think if I was him I’d feel pretty pissy when you wandered downstairs after I was up and getting on with childcare to have a go about the quality of that childcare.

Not enough to storm upstairs/swear/cancel the wedding but I’m just trying to look at his emotions realistically. I’d support my DH in giving up his job if he had to for MH reasons but a part of me would also be aware that he was living on my graft (not saying that’s right, just how I’d feel).

Anyway it sounds like it’s less about the cause of the row and more about how it escalated and played out in front of his dd. I think I’d be trying hard to look genuinely at whether you feel either of you has any anger issues/was abusive/highly unreasonable or whether you both just lost tempers/had a bad row.

If the latter - give it time and some emotional distance and it’ll probably go back to normal.

And if it's the former MyKingdom? I know I have anger issues and I'm working on it. A lot of what you said makes sense.

*How did it go from, "4 yoghurts is not the best thing" to flaming row and relationship over?

That is what you need to understand before YOU marry this guy. - this is a really good point lifebegins* and you're absolutely right.

Caucho I was annoyed by those comments too so you're not alone. I think it's a big thing for him to support me especially considering the row we had a few weeks before I quit my job. It's been a long time coming though and we'd both agreed I'd wait until we completed on the mortgage. I've applied for lots of jobs and had a few interviews but haven't had any responses yet so hopefully I'll hear back about one soon.

That makes a lot of sense adaline and I do recognise that I need to be more positive of her achievements instead of just seeing the negative in her. I know seeing the negative isn't helpful for her or us.

You do sound really nice - I hope things get sorted for both of you one way or the other! None of these arguments are all your fault - you're both to blame for things getting out of control at the end of the day.

Perhaps this will be a big learning curve for both of you. You probably need to be a bit more positive and not pick on the little things like her having four yoghurts for breakfast. No, it's not the best breakfast but no parent is perfect and feeds their child the best foods all the time. His DD slept through which seems like a big thing for her - that needs praising and celebrating!

But one of you massively overreacted to your comments. Whether it was him or you is unclear! You mention you rowed a few weeks ago as well - maybe he's a bit sick of the fighting? My previous relationship was full of arguments and it got so draining - he clearly loves you to support you quitting your job and to buy a house with you - maybe give it some time to settle down?

What do you mean “anger issues”? In general life, or just with him? Do you shout at him or something?

being financially dependent, if for more than a short time, puts YOU at financial risk.

Do you have a legal agreement about your property ownership? If not, important to sort one out.

If it’s the former then I guess I’d say it’s something to work on as you’re already doing. How about him? Do you think he has a temper that needs work? I have anger issues too but luckily my husband doesn’t so he balances me but it’s definitely something I have to acknowledge in our relationship. It’s not a bar though.

It must be very hurtful that he has gone back on his previous commitment, however sensible that may be it’s still hurtful.

I would not push him to get married, I personally think that when women nag at a man to get married it is what pushes them away more.

Take care of yourself first get your mental health up to scratch and take it day by day. Once you are happier and start taking steps for yourself then revisit the issue of marriage. But you have just bought a house together and you are not feeling to perky at the minute it is a lot of stress and then a wedding on top of all of that is just too much.

Once you feel you have your mental health in check then you can work on your issues as a couple and then once you are both settled and relaxed and have the house sorted and feel confident as a couple then get married. It really is not a precursor for being in a relationship, being married does not make a relationship stronger but at times can just bring more problems.

Good luck