How to have the conversation

[DaffodilPower]

Hi All.

My DP and I are on thin ice. I think he senses something is up.

How do I start the conversation about trying for DC or leaving? We've lived together nearly five years, I'm the bread winner, and this won't come as a surprise to him.

It's always been promised 'when ', but never happened. I think he worries because he'd have to work more, also because he doesn't want the responsibility of it. But I'm 34 this year, he's 42. I want to start trying now. If he doesn't want children I need to leave and try and find someone who does.

So, how do I start the conversation, without the cliche 'we need to talk'..?

Honestly?

I wouldnt bother, don't settle for a cocklodger indecisive work shy man child, if your clocks ticking and he's the best you can do in a rush , then your asking for trouble

Leave don't talk about it, and choose wisely next time

He's been telling you who he is for 5 years lovely 💐

Thanks @Guiltypleasures

Sadly it's been (it seems) five years of EA and gaslighting, too. I'm just coming to terms with it and trying to find a 'reason' to leave that I can justify.. sad eh?

You don't need to find a reason to justify leaving OP. All you need is the recognition - which you have - that you want something more than he is prepared to give you.

Leave now and pursue your dreams! you have the time and the job and the will.

Don't mourn the 5 yrs op, use that time to move out and take stock.
You don't need an excuse, it's ok to look after you and your needs .

Leave him be and look ahead for yourself

Thank you @TwitterQueen

I have all of my ducks in a row ready to go at the end of the month..

You do not want children with someone who emotionally abuses

Look at the last 5yrs as what you will tolerate and settle for in a relationship - use your findings.

Don’t look back, look forward .... Onwards & upwards.

Good luck

I know @user... The thing is, I desperately want children, and it upsets me that even if he said yes to trying, I wouldn't want to have them with him.

At the moment he checks I've taken my pill every day, so I don't think the make or break children conversation is going to make him change his mind..

@letsdolunch, thank you!

Do not have children with a man living off you whomakes you unhappy and is abusive.

Cut your losses and live a brilliant happy wonderful life.

Leave him, find someone truly deserving of you, things can happen quickly.

He checks you've taken your pill every day? Does he think you'll try and trick him or is it because your memory is bad? He doesn't sound like someone you should be having children with op I don't think you should even give him the ultimatum. I think you should just leave him. Anyway, imagine if he said yes to kids. You'd probably find yourself screwed over somehow. I can't imagine him making a brilliant father from what you've posted.

"I'm just coming to terms with it and trying to find a 'reason' to leave that I can justify.. sad eh"

And that's not sad at all. It's perfectly understandable. But you said he's emotionally abusive, that is a reason. So is him not really wanting children when you do really want them. You want different things. I do understand though. I had the same trying to convince myself it was ok to leave a man who had done nothing wrong, my feelings had just changed. It was hard to accept that it is ok to feel that way. I almost wanted him to do something. But yours has!

It sounds like you can do so much better - I just wanted to wish you strength and courage to leave him, and a much happier future without him. You have time. Make a perfect life for yourself and find someone who deserves you.

@Sylvestersmouth thanks. And sorry you went through that. I do feel like the 'rest of the world' will want to know why I want to leave such a wonderful man. To the outside he is great. I've only confided in my mum over the years and she has been wonderfully supportive.
There's nothing wrong with my memory, he's just paranoid I'll trick him into getting me pregnant.. I think if I had had children with him, he'd work it so he was a stay at home parent and I was supporting the family (I do that already so can't see why he'd want to change it..).

@fuzzywuzzy and @BlondeB83 thank you both - I hope I can have a wonderful life, hopefully with a lovely partner and little one (or two..!)

He doesn't want to you to have his children, you don't want him to father your children...

Go. The sooner you're out of this situation the sooner you can be in a better one....

@Luckingfovely (love your name!) Thank you

At 32 you have plenty of time to find someone else and have children. Get out now and find someone who deserves you and wants the same things.

God, he's done you a favour making sure you don't have a child with him. He's awful! Get yourself away from him as fast as you can.

Do you rent your home or is it on a mortgage?

I know I should be grateful I've not had children yet. It's a shame, because he's amazing with his nieces, and could be a great dad, if it weren't for this odd side to him..

He owns the place outright, I just live there, so no financial ties

The rest of the world won’t care why you split up.

Just leave and stop wasting more of your life on him.

He probably thinks you getting pregnant takes the attention and money away from him , he's a cocklodger

So he owns your house and you pay the mortgage and all of the bills, is that right ?