How to have the conversation

[DaffodilPower]

Hi All.

My DP and I are on thin ice. I think he senses something is up.

How do I start the conversation about trying for DC or leaving? We've lived together nearly five years, I'm the bread winner, and this won't come as a surprise to him.

It's always been promised 'when ', but never happened. I think he worries because he'd have to work more, also because he doesn't want the responsibility of it. But I'm 34 this year, he's 42. I want to start trying now. If he doesn't want children I need to leave and try and find someone who does.

So, how do I start the conversation, without the cliche 'we need to talk'..?

Be honest and try to get time off work or offer work from your parents home for the next 2 weeks, they are both really good ideas and I am sure if you speak to hr they will be understanding of the situation. Good luck op, and well done for not giving in

I think air bnb might be an idea op

Air B&B would be a great idea, may be a bit expensive but not more than the cost of all those bills you currently pay and at least it covers all bills! You could be very close to work so it makes things nice and easy. Does he have to be away at all in next couple of weeks? If so, choose that day and just move everything out (perhaps store some stuff with your mum?) and disappear. Good luck

B&B posh one ;)

Enjoy lovely x

Unfortunately I need all of this month's wages to cover my move-in costs, so Air B&B/a posh B&B, as lovely as it sounds, is out of the question.

I will contact my manager today (he's in the US at the moment) and see if I could work from home for the next couple of weeks - I could perhaps come in 1/2 days each week..

My 'D'P doesn't go out, so there's no opportunity to leave without him knowing, and despite everything, I don't think I could bring myself to do that anyway.

Thank you for all the good luck wishes! I can't believe it's happening!

No chance of your payroll system 'malfunctioning' meaning your wages will be late?

@Gummy I had thought of this, but I work for a massive educational institution so it's the kind of thing that would make the news..!

I'm waiting on my manager either saying yes to annual leave or working from home, and will go from there..

Fingers crossed!

You are not married. You are paying for something that you have no stake in (he says he owns the property). Can you book a week off on holiday ? You need to get away from this man, he has been using you. Find someone that treats you like an equal. If necessary go and stay with your family. Don't pay him a penny more !

I would avoid all unnecessary conversation with him. Just say you are unhappy and are leaving. You don't need to tell him a list of 100 reasons. Say you have made the decision to leave and start again.

Pay nothing more Lady.. keep your funds for YOU

I’m going to get flamed for this. Totally agree he has treated you very badly & no doubt you should leave but I’d give him warning. Imagine it was you, your partner left, no notice and you had no notice of suddenly having to cover all bills. I know he SHOULD have been paying his way all along but he hasn’t & you’ve gone along with this. Definitely do not pay the NI bill though. If I’ve missed a post though where he earns enough to be self sufficient then totally ignore my thoughts!!

Thanks all - my manager has agreed to me working from home, so I should be Ok..

@Doidontimmm I absolutely know what you mean, and the guilt of leaving is the reason I've stayed so long; I don't want him to fall on his arse.

But he has around £1400 in a savings account, so I know he will be Ok for a few months. He is self employed, and if he worked the same hours as I do would earn more than double my income, so I know he can cope. It's just a case of he hasn't had to, because I've picked it all up for fear of being accused of 'not bringing enough to the table'.

It's going to be a long day...

No guilt whatsoever needed then! You are like me, too nice sometimes & get taken advantage of. I left a bad relationship too and now have one where everything is equal and it feels great

Just do it xx

@Doidontimmm I'm glad you got out and are in a better place now - that's my aim..!

Of course, I need some time to myself first, but I hope to find someone who wants to be on an even standing with me.

@TuTru watch this space...!!

Good Luck Op, absolutely the right decision.

Good luck OP, you are doing the right thing.

When he tries getting into your head to try and convince you to go back to him just keep telling him you do not love him any more.

None of his excuses will work around that. 'I can change!' 'I made a mistake', 'I've changed my mind lets have a child'.

What he will really mean is 'You are my meal ticket, don't leave me!'

Do Not Trust Him Or Any Words That Come Out Of His Mouth.

Be a stuck record - 'None of your offerings make a difference, I don't love you any more'.

God speed on your new journey

@lifebegins, thank you.. I hope so!

@Spookle thank you for this, I need these words in my head when I tell him I'm going.

I have just read (through another post) an article called 'Sick System'. It's about EA and written in a kind of 'how to' guide way (I'm sure it's not meant as a guide, but more to explain how you've ended up where you are..), and it's been great. I can't believe I'm in this situation. I really thought I was strong and wouldn't be so 'stupid' as to end up here.. You just imagine it's weak, desperate women who get sucked in..

I did it!

I'm working from home the next two weeks at my mum's, and moving a week Saturday!

There were lots of tears on both sides, but no fighting or angry words. It was all very reasonable.

The weight that has lifted from my shoulders is immense.

Thank you to you all for your wonderful advice and support - here's to the future!

Well done ! Here’s to a whole new life for you

Well done OP, that's brilliant. Onwards and upwards xx

Great work! You’re amazing and brave. So glad work could be arranged.

A word of warning, OP. My RL friend was in this situation - desperate for children but with a cocklodger bloke who didn't really want them. She got pregnant anyway, they married and made a go of it but split when their DC was tiny.

Not only would he not look for work, he wouldn't help with childcare, telling her: "You're the one who wanted a baby, you do it."

She was doing everything - working to keep them afloat then coming home and doing all of the housework and childcare, while he disappeared to the pub. They got divorced when the DC was a toddler.

The daughter is in her teens now and is a great kid - my friend's done a fantastic job as a single mum but she tells me it's been very hard, and lonely.

You are still young, and I agree with what Blonde said earlier - things can happen quickly. Please don't tie yourself to this man with children. Get out now while you're young and find someone better.

Sorry OP, hadn't RTFT - but well done! You've so done the right thing. Onwards and upwards