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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to have the conversation

74 replies

DaffodilPower · 11/04/2018 13:44

Hi All.

My DP and I are on thin ice. I think he senses something is up.

How do I start the conversation about trying for DC or leaving? We've lived together nearly five years, I'm the bread winner, and this won't come as a surprise to him.

It's always been promised 'when ', but never happened. I think he worries because he'd have to work more, also because he doesn't want the responsibility of it. But I'm 34 this year, he's 42. I want to start trying now. If he doesn't want children I need to leave and try and find someone who does.

So, how do I start the conversation, without the cliche 'we need to talk'..?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 11/04/2018 14:33

She won't be paying the mortgage if he owns it outright.

RatherBeRiding · 11/04/2018 14:34

As others have said, you don't have to justify your reasons - and from what you have said, you have plenty. There's still time to meet someone who is on the same page as you.

And there's nothing wrong with "we need to talk" - everyone knows what it means! Just tell him that you don't want the same things in life. You want a family, he doesn't. So it's a deal-breaker and you're off. Wish him well, and close the door quietly behind you.

And then off you go to start your next chapter.

TERFragetteCity · 11/04/2018 14:36

I do feel like the 'rest of the world' will want to know why I want to leave such a wonderful man

Release him into the wild for someone else to have.

But on a more serious note, these men get more abusive if they sense you attempting to leave. Is he planning a trip away any time soon, even just a day out? If so take advantage and get the hell out whilst he is busy doing something else. Don't let him know what is planned, and delete all your internet use between now and then. Even if you just have to stay in a bnb for a while. Or on someone's sofa.

Rainatnight · 11/04/2018 14:38

He checks on your pill?? Shock

Does he look under your tongue, like in prison??

Original poster
DaffodilPower · 11/04/2018 14:43

@M0RVEN he owns the place outright, no mortgage. When I first moved in my contribution was the food, his work dried up so 'helped out' with the bills. Now pay all the bills, the food, meals out, treats, pet food, insurances, tax and fuel on both cars (I commute to work every day). He's just had his letter from HMRC for his NI contributions (Self employed), and I'm waiting for him to tell me so I can pay it..

@TERFragetteCity he doesn't go out, unless I'm at work. Doesn't like to leave me in the house alone (I know!!!). But I'm going to visit family end of the month, so it should all coincide and work out. My mum knows what's going on, so if she doesn't hear from me regularly she'll check things are ok.

@RatherBeRiding Thank you.. I think that's the best (only) way.

I'm not going to ask him if he will change his mind. I'm just going to say what I want and that he doesn't want the same and go..

I wish he was the dream I first met, who loved me and (I thought) appreciated me, rather than the man now questioning what I bring to the table...

OP posts:
Original poster
DaffodilPower · 11/04/2018 14:44

Haha! No @Rainatnight , just checks the pack, but it's in the kitchen so I take it in view every night (something else that has only recently slapped me in the face as a massive red flag..!!)

OP posts:
M0RVEN · 11/04/2018 14:52

Sorry I missed the bit that he owns the house outright. So you work and pay all the bills while he sits at home. And you run a car for him .

Please tell me that the cars at least are in your name ? I assume they are as you can’t insure the cars if you don’t own them.

And I assume you are not going to pay his NI bill for him ?

Remember that when you leave you need to contact all the utility suppliers and get your name taken off the accounts. And council tax, insurances etc

Original poster
DaffodilPower · 11/04/2018 14:55

Yes my car is mine, his is in his name.

The bills all come from an account in his sole name, nothing is joint and I'm only on the council tax, none of the utilities etc., so a clean break should be doable.. I just transfer money each month in to the account.(Yes, I do have 'MUG' written on my forehead..!!)

No, I'll stall on the NI bill until I've gone, then it's his problem..

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 11/04/2018 16:02

Ide cancel everything money wise and move out this weekend, I wouldn't tell him either. Your mum checks to make sure your still alive basically, wtf honestly op go sooner rather than later

Not a penny more

KinkyAfro · 11/04/2018 16:10

Jesus, get out now, he's bleeding you dry and it will only get worse. Seriously do not forget to take that pill, you don't need tying to this nasty cocklodger

TempusEejit · 11/04/2018 16:21

I left my abusive Ex at 35. Met the love of my life (now DH) within a year even though I wasn't looking. Never did get to have kids but then again I wouldn't have got to have them with my ex either, and at least I'm not married to a cocklodging twat anymore.

I hope your future is as bright as mine is now Smile

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 11/04/2018 16:33

At the moment he checks I've taken my pill every day

WHHHAAAAAATTT!?!?!

So he doesn't want kids but pushes the responsibility of contraception onto you? Ok...

Have just read your other posts, you are So doing the right thing by leaving.

You do not have 'Mug' written on your forehead, you have 'Fuck me that was a close shave, but I'm going to be free of this dickhead!"

(You might have to write it quite small though.) Grin

SendintheArdwolves · 11/04/2018 16:36

He could be a great dad, if it weren't for...

Him not working and expecting you to support him
Him being weirdly controlling
The fact he doesn't seem to like or respect you
Him lying to you about wanting children but always making excuses
Him being emotionally abusive and gaslighting you

...and I expect there's loads more that your haven't mentioned to us. Make no mistake - he if he treats you badly then he would be a BAD FATHER. He is lazy, entitled, exploitative and manipulative - why do you think he would be any different to his kids?

He may be "amazing with his nieces" but a) it's very, very easy to play the doting uncle for a few hours and b) the bar is set so very low for men that people see anything more than "ignore the child completely whilst continuing to drink" as evidence of some astounding fatherly ability that is magical to watch.

Jaybee99 · 11/04/2018 17:38

I just don't get it. Being a Dad is the best thing I ever did. My eldest(of 3) is 17 now and I am so sad at no longer being able to look after them like I used to. The first five years are undeniably tough but I look at them now and I think my life wasn't entirely for nothing! Why do some men think that they are winning by not having children? They are, IMHO, fools.

Jaybee99 · 11/04/2018 17:39

youngest is 17 now, I meant to say...

Butterymuffin · 11/04/2018 17:42

Given what you've said, go ASAP.

Zoo33 · 11/04/2018 19:03

OP I could have written this - even our and their ages are the same. Many of the posters here have been wonderfully supportive in my own thread so have great advice.

I left 4 months ago after 4 years. He was emotionally abusive, wanted children, didn't want children, had to be convinced to start trying, threatened to leave me when I was pregnant, decided he didn't want children after I lost it, thought I was being unreasonable when I said I wanted to go part time when we had children (I worked much longer hours and earnt more although we could afford it), thought I was unreasonable for wanting to take 9 months mat leave (he wanted more than 3 months to play golf...), he wanted to be a stay at home Dad, I could go on.

The point is that no reasons you ever give him will be enough and those that love you will have seen beyond the perfectly charming pretence. If you've had enough, go. Stuff him. It's so hard but you deserve much better. Thanks

supersop60 · 11/04/2018 19:10

OP - it's time to move on. This relationship isn't working for you and it's not going to get better.
Think of the last 5 years as a learning experience.
You are still young and have plenty of time to meet someone who wants the same things as you do.
Flowers

Original poster
DaffodilPower · 18/04/2018 14:01

I just want to thank you all for your advice.

We had a huge row at the weekend, he finally said he didn't want children, certainly not for a couple of years.

He asked me to stay midway through packing. This is better for me right now, until the end of the month anyway.

I also found out today that he sent a picture message to his ex last week (same day I started this thread in fact..!). Not sure what it was, not sure I want to know, not going to confront him about it as there's no point, I'm just using it to keep me strong and to make sure I don't forget it's the right decision to leave.

I am lucky there were no pg accidents, and that he hasn't thought previously about agreeing just to keep me around.

I feel surprisingly light about the whole thing. I'm sure that will change but right now there are no second thoughts at all.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/04/2018 14:04

Is he aware that you are planning on leaving at the end of the month? If not, keep it to yourself until you leave or are out and safe. Definitely the right move! Good luck Flowers

Original poster
DaffodilPower · 18/04/2018 14:10

Hi @GreenFingers no, he doesn't know. I'm trying to just smile and carry on with the facade of a happy relationship until it's time to go..

OP posts:
Original poster
DaffodilPower · 18/04/2018 14:10

Oh, and thank you Smile

OP posts:
Adora10 · 18/04/2018 14:20

What a looser, who'd start a family with him, great dad, a cocklodger, I don't think so.

Zoo33 · 18/04/2018 16:34

Good luck! It sounds like absolutely the right decision from here. Thanks

Original poster
DaffodilPower · 24/04/2018 12:22

Hey all!

So, I've just been told my move in date will be 11 May.. So, what do I do until then? Try and get the time off work/work from home and go stay with family? They are too far away to commute in every day..

Or do I stick it out for two more weeks (and try and make excuses for why I'm not paying anything..!)?

Help! I thought I'd be able to move next week..

OP posts: