Husband in fairyland, how do I get through to him before it’s too late?

[Nitpickpicnic]

Back story is: me 46, him 50, 7yo DD. Married 11 years, together 15.

When we fell in love, we were both in fairly well paid corporate jobs, with all the perks. Both owned houses from a young age, worked very hard to save and pay them off.

Just before we married, he got made redundant but admitted he’d been less than enthusiastic (knocking back higher responsibilities) for previous 18 months. He had a dream self employment/passion idea and went for it, saying that the redundancy was ‘fate supporting his dream’.

I left work soon after our wedding to care for my terminally ill dad, and try to sort out his complicated affairs (including a big real estate project he’d committed to but couldn’t fulfil). So DF passed away, and significant inheritance followed. The money from our houses and DF supported us through DH’s dream businesses 1 & 2 (concurrent), a child (infertility issues = costs), my birth trauma issues and now here we are.

Financial advisor at Christmas showed us (separately) how we’re out of money and in trouble. No chance of paying for the education we’d like for our daughter, no real retirement savings, and very few earning years left. My reaction was to immediately take as much responsibility for my part as I could. Got counselling (financial & emotional) to get my thoughts straight, cut our spending by 3/4, and am trying hard to get back into the workforce.

Problem is DH is a bit too dependant on the glamour/acclaim he gets through the 2 businesses ‘he’ runs. His only acknowledgement of the situation is vague commitments to ‘do better’ in the same direction. He’s regularly in the paper, etc and everyone in our lives thinks he’s this successful entrepreneur because of it. I should add he is very likeable, spiritual and an ‘everone’s best friend’ kinda guy.

Meanwhile I’m wringing my hands about our DD’s future, and stressing that I’ve supported every day of our lives for a decade (like, every bill), working on the back room boring jobs in the business as well.

I want to keep our family in tact, but I feel responsible for safekeeping what savings are left for our DD’s future. He’s stonewalling when I try and get him to understand he has to rethink these ‘vanity’ projects and get a real job while he can. Won’t hear of it, won’t talk about it (unless I count the times he humours me to shut me up, I think?).

Do I have to leave him before he gets it? Make him stand on his own feet? Feels like game-playing that we’d all never recover from. Any ideas?

Do his businesses make any money? They are clearly giving him something that he needs, but if they’re not making money then he needs to acknowledge that and find another way to get an income.

My dh was similar. Businesses were never truly profitable, but he loved it. Things came to a head when dd was born and I could no longer work all the hours god sends to manage our cash flow. It has been a long hard road for dh to come to terms with who he is without that aspect of his life, and if there was a way we could have kept the businesses and earned enough of an income, I would have done it.

ultimately though, your dh is being selfish and childish if he’s not willing to step up to his responsibilities. This has to be a joint effort. The breakthrough for us came in couples counselling. I’d recommend giving that a go before you think of splitting up

Sorry if I am being dim but I'm not sure if he's bringing any money in . Does his business make enough to pay his share of bills. Hopefully others will have more advice for you.

So do these business of his bring in ANY money? And, realistically, given his age and the fact that he's been out of paid employment for about a decade - what are his job prospects anyway?

He maybe needs shocking out of his complacency by, say, putting your house on the market because you need to downsize.

Do you have separate accounts so that, when you find paid employment, you can ensure your salary is ring-fenced to pay bills.

State school, you know.

I'm not getting involved in a state v private education argument but attending state schools are not an indication of failure to provide for your child. So don't beat yourself up about that one at least.

How much money does he bring in, how much money do you bring in, and what are your outgoings?

Presumably you still have your property? And you have a business that makes some profit, and a salary from you?
Are you in massive debt, or are you just spending more than you should?
Is his business losing money?

Unless I’m reading this wrong, it sounds like you’re not working at all (you say you left work after your DF became ill and kids followed but no mention of getting back to work). So I don’t understand why it’s all on your DH? Are you looking to get back to work too? And are his business actually losing money or are they just not making enough to fund private school with you as a SAHM?

Yes, leave him and take all your money with you.

He's never going to learn from this, and he'll take you and your child down with the" sinking ship"

Are his businesses growing or do they stay much the same, or even lose money?

If they are growing then there is potential to make them work properly, with or without your help. But this would mean your DH accepting change within his businesses, as well as his life in general.

If he's refusing to even discuss it, that makes life extremely difficult because it takes away the option for you to support the idea of his businesses being viable, at the same time as saving money.

You don't sound like you're at rock bottom yet, but if he doesn't start being open about the situation, you'll be on your way down.

It’s horribe when people won’t discuss issues, it can be as much a problem as the original issue.

Thanks for pitching in with your thoughts. I need perspectives on this.

To be clearer: Business 1 makes some money, but it stays with him. I only know it makes little enough that our accountant uses him as my tax break. Business 2 makes even less, but sucks up 4 months of the year when we could be concentrating on B1 or other income possibilities.

I pay 90% all the household bills from the inheritance for all 3 of us.

TroubledLichen please note that my original post does say I’m looking hard for work. Paragraph 5.

The main problem is DH has so much of his identity invested in the businesses that he’s preferring to call me a horrible person for suggesting he needs to rethink them, than looking at our joint financial realities. I’d think a decade of being sponsored to do what you love would be something to be grateful for, and yes, a little sad when it ended. Not sure how I’ve ended up being a witch in all this?

It is sad for me to give up my SAHM life, but I’m looking at it as an opportunity too and getting on with it. He’s just had it too good, I think.

Downsizing our house is the next step, if more income can’t be found. Unfortunately we’d likely have to move out of DD’s school zone, and I’d like to avoid it if possible. It just feels like DH is putting his ego ahead of DD’s needs, and I don’t know how to fix it in time.

So for 10(?) years or so you've basically been living off your inheritance? You've neither of you had a job that's provided a reasonable income and now you've run out of money??

Wow.

For ten years you've supported him and his businesses in the hopes of them taking off and becoming a proper enterprise.

Terrifying to think that your inheritance has gone into them and he won't even acknowledge you've bankrolled him.

If you want to bankroll somebody, it could be a penniless lover with eyes like limpid ponds and washboard abs.

It’s pretty simple this OP. You tell him to pull his finger out of his arse, and if he refuses, you will LTB. He wont change a thing as long as you continue to support and enable his financial fuck-wittery.

Peekybo

The main problem is DH has so much of his identity invested in the businesses that he’s preferring to call me a horrible person for suggesting he needs to rethink them, than looking at our joint financial realities. I’d think a decade of being sponsored to do what you love would be something to be grateful for, and yes, a little sad when it ended.

This seems very clearly put (note that I removed the "witch" comment). Could you write him a letter or email with just this statement?

Followed by (depending on his reaction) a note saying that it's his choice of counseling or separation, but the status quo is not an option.

Oh. I misread and thought you were earning all the income. You've been living off inheritance for 10 years, that's crazy. He's crazy! You are not.

Huge eye-rolling from me, sorry.

I think you need to create a household budget and ensure he pays at least 50%.

Lock away any remaining capital for your pensions as there is no point throwing good money after bad.

If his income is so low can you claim tax credits?

I'd sit him down and give him a timeframe to find a job and make it clear if he doesn't I'm leaving him and will no longer be funding him.

Sorry OP, missed the part where you said you were job hunting. To be honest, if he’s been running failing businesses for the last 10 years he may not find it any easier than you to find something, although it doesn’t sound like he’s much interested. Your update puts a totally different spin on things though, it sounds as if he’s essentially been blowing through your inheritance whilst playing at being a successful businessman. I’m still not entirely sure how you could be so naive with your finances and happy to let this go on for 10 years but at least the revelation that this can’t continue has finally come. It sounds like he’s still in denial though. You can’t force him to close his businesses and you can’t force him to start job hunting but you can stop bank rolling his fantasy. I suggest you tell him enough is enough. If the income from the inheritance is sustainable and will continue to cover 90% of your costs then I’d focus on finding yourself a job that covers the extra 10% as that’s probably more of a cert right now than your husband pulling his finger out. Hopefully he will wake up though. Good luck.

I just hope your DD is in state school , if not i have very little empathy.

OP are you in the USA ?

I think you've spent enough time and money propping up this man's ego, and his 'businesses' sound more like expensive hobbies. Are they performance arts stuff, by any chance? Does he have any actual marketable skills (if he plays in a covers band, could he teach the guitar or something) that could be used to generate income?

I think you have to give him a timeframe to come up with a way of bringing in more money, and if he wants to carry on expensively wanking, make arrangements to separate as soon as possible.