Husband in fairyland, how do I get through to him before it’s too late?

[Nitpickpicnic]

Back story is: me 46, him 50, 7yo DD. Married 11 years, together 15.

When we fell in love, we were both in fairly well paid corporate jobs, with all the perks. Both owned houses from a young age, worked very hard to save and pay them off.

Just before we married, he got made redundant but admitted he’d been less than enthusiastic (knocking back higher responsibilities) for previous 18 months. He had a dream self employment/passion idea and went for it, saying that the redundancy was ‘fate supporting his dream’.

I left work soon after our wedding to care for my terminally ill dad, and try to sort out his complicated affairs (including a big real estate project he’d committed to but couldn’t fulfil). So DF passed away, and significant inheritance followed. The money from our houses and DF supported us through DH’s dream businesses 1 & 2 (concurrent), a child (infertility issues = costs), my birth trauma issues and now here we are.

Financial advisor at Christmas showed us (separately) how we’re out of money and in trouble. No chance of paying for the education we’d like for our daughter, no real retirement savings, and very few earning years left. My reaction was to immediately take as much responsibility for my part as I could. Got counselling (financial & emotional) to get my thoughts straight, cut our spending by 3/4, and am trying hard to get back into the workforce.

Problem is DH is a bit too dependant on the glamour/acclaim he gets through the 2 businesses ‘he’ runs. His only acknowledgement of the situation is vague commitments to ‘do better’ in the same direction. He’s regularly in the paper, etc and everyone in our lives thinks he’s this successful entrepreneur because of it. I should add he is very likeable, spiritual and an ‘everone’s best friend’ kinda guy.

Meanwhile I’m wringing my hands about our DD’s future, and stressing that I’ve supported every day of our lives for a decade (like, every bill), working on the back room boring jobs in the business as well.

I want to keep our family in tact, but I feel responsible for safekeeping what savings are left for our DD’s future. He’s stonewalling when I try and get him to understand he has to rethink these ‘vanity’ projects and get a real job while he can. Won’t hear of it, won’t talk about it (unless I count the times he humours me to shut me up, I think?).

Do I have to leave him before he gets it? Make him stand on his own feet? Feels like game-playing that we’d all never recover from. Any ideas?

I know this is a side point, but I think this is unlikely. A good-looking older man in a performance-related industry, with a reputation for entrepreneurism is not going to attract women interested in funding him. The would-be sugar babies are likely to move on very quickly when they realise there's no gold to dig.

OP said sugar mummy: she means a woman with means and a desire to fund his lifestyle. A sugar baby is what you're thinking of, someone who wants to be funded by somebody wealthy!

I know, that's what I'm saying. A good looking older man in showbiz with a reputation for entrepreneurial skills will attract sugar babies wanting money, not sugar mamas wanting to fund him.

When they realise he's broke they'll be off.

Ah sorry, I misunderstood. I completely understand what you were saying now!

I wouldn't be so sure, though. I'm sure he will meet someone if he wants to, finances aside. As will OP if that's what she wants. Whether either of them meet someone else seems a really sad thing to focus on when deciding whether to continue with a relationship.

I bet this man had OP convinced for years that his big break and another magic money pot were just around the corner. I bet she tried to put the brakes on more than once and was met with whining, crying and sulking about how she 'had no faith in' his performance wanking.

I wouldn't be surprised if he isn't already sniffing around for his next wealthy wifey (though I agree with PP that it isn't going to be as easy as he thinks it is now he's older and has a public face of 'successful' business man).

I think you are right, OP surely realised when they couldn't afford private schooling for DD that not all was well with their finances. Men like this can be very convincing.
I guess hearing it from a third party has just made it more real.