Husband in fairyland, how do I get through to him before it’s too late?

[Nitpickpicnic]

Back story is: me 46, him 50, 7yo DD. Married 11 years, together 15.

When we fell in love, we were both in fairly well paid corporate jobs, with all the perks. Both owned houses from a young age, worked very hard to save and pay them off.

Just before we married, he got made redundant but admitted he’d been less than enthusiastic (knocking back higher responsibilities) for previous 18 months. He had a dream self employment/passion idea and went for it, saying that the redundancy was ‘fate supporting his dream’.

I left work soon after our wedding to care for my terminally ill dad, and try to sort out his complicated affairs (including a big real estate project he’d committed to but couldn’t fulfil). So DF passed away, and significant inheritance followed. The money from our houses and DF supported us through DH’s dream businesses 1 & 2 (concurrent), a child (infertility issues = costs), my birth trauma issues and now here we are.

Financial advisor at Christmas showed us (separately) how we’re out of money and in trouble. No chance of paying for the education we’d like for our daughter, no real retirement savings, and very few earning years left. My reaction was to immediately take as much responsibility for my part as I could. Got counselling (financial & emotional) to get my thoughts straight, cut our spending by 3/4, and am trying hard to get back into the workforce.

Problem is DH is a bit too dependant on the glamour/acclaim he gets through the 2 businesses ‘he’ runs. His only acknowledgement of the situation is vague commitments to ‘do better’ in the same direction. He’s regularly in the paper, etc and everyone in our lives thinks he’s this successful entrepreneur because of it. I should add he is very likeable, spiritual and an ‘everone’s best friend’ kinda guy.

Meanwhile I’m wringing my hands about our DD’s future, and stressing that I’ve supported every day of our lives for a decade (like, every bill), working on the back room boring jobs in the business as well.

I want to keep our family in tact, but I feel responsible for safekeeping what savings are left for our DD’s future. He’s stonewalling when I try and get him to understand he has to rethink these ‘vanity’ projects and get a real job while he can. Won’t hear of it, won’t talk about it (unless I count the times he humours me to shut me up, I think?).

Do I have to leave him before he gets it? Make him stand on his own feet? Feels like game-playing that we’d all never recover from. Any ideas?

If it were me op I would go and see a solicitor about trying to protect the rest of your money, maybe in trust for your daughter? I have no idea if that would work, talking out of my ass here. But I would want advice about where I stand.

After that would take the advice, and then I would LTB. He clearly doesn't give two shits about you or your daughters future and that would be a dealbreaker for me.
Who cares if he meets someone else? They'll quickly discover he's broke without you and the shine will wear off. He sounds like an arrogant knob anyway.

I'm also aghast that you both wasted your dads money, that I presume took him a lifetime to accumulate. It makes me think I'd be really careful about the way I structure my money for when my dc inherit it. I'd hate for it to be wasted like this.

What a waste of inheritance. And to think you paid a financial advisor to tell you that you didn't have any money left...

There are a lot of obvious "shoulds" and "oughts" in this situation, but in the short and medium term, I don't think you can trust your DH to take responsibility.

If he can't afford to tit about instead of work, then you can't afford to be a SAHM either. Getting yourself some income should be a priority, because it's something that you can definitely make happen for you and your DD. If you do find yourself a single mum at the end of this, at least you will have some money of your own.

I think a lot of people are being far too harsh on OP. I am inclined to suspect, given what she mentions about the traumatic birth, that she was glad of the inheritance making it possible for her to rest and recover (there is no moral superiority in suffering for the sake of it) - but also, I expect this egotistical, selfish man convinced her that she could rest, because his performance wanking would make them millionaires one day.

I know someone who did leave her H for similar reasons, some years ago. He was (and still is) a person with an unusual skill which gets him a lot of admiration and attention, but which doesn't make him much of a living. He's used to being 'paid' for his skill in the form of free event tickets and his travel/accomodation covered, which is all very well but doesn't add up to earning a living. I wonder if this is the case with OP's H.

good lord it is ALL gone and he's still behaving like King Tut

Sounds as though both of you are rubbish with money . . .

I think people are being harsh because they are jealous of being able to live off an inheritance for umpteen years.

This must be 3rd post I've read about lazy men who start businesses because they've wife's money to depend on. Just opting out of employment and leaning on someone else.

I'm self-employed, arts business. All glam looking on outside but it's a hard slog as you have quiet times in between bookings. I raised DCs alone, no time to be caught up in the glamour. I signed on with an agency and in quiet times did bar/hospitality work. Also freelance arts agencies too

I'd sometimes be knackered, up 1/2 the night at times as still had to deal with arts bookings and the admin arising from that. But, it's what you do especially when you have a family. You don't sit there in dreamland when you've no bookings for a couple of months you get off your backside and fill the gaps. If you're a responsible person, that is. I didn't care that the in between jobs weren't glamorous.

I'd support no adult. & certainly not before my children. In your shoes there'd be no more funding, I'd be off. Rather support myself and a child, not have a grown man in the mix.

I am still not clear whether or not the capital of your inheritance is still intact - are you living off the investment income? Or is the capital gone?

I think that the inheritance has given you both a false sense of security. I don’t blame you for taking a bit of time out after having a baby - but spending the proceeds of your house sales, what were you thinking?

In the meantime, I think that you should sit down with your DH and your accountant and do a SWOT analysis of your position.

A few ideas - can your DH return to his previous role on a pt basis? Or contracting? Can you get a lodger? Could he do after-dinner speaking? Adverts? Could he train others to do what he does? TV presenting?
Is there enough money left for any property investing?

If your daughter is bright she will be successful at state school or private school. There isn't any point wringing your hands thinking "I don't know what to do" with regards to your daughter's education because you know that free education exists and if you don't have the money private isn't even on the table as an option. Also, you're 46, you have plenty of working years still in you, tidy your CV up and get yourself a position which capitalises on your experience - my parents went back to professional positions in their late fifties after running their own business. Stop being so defeatist, I'm sorry that life hasn't dealt you the hand you were hoping for but things could be worse - do you own your house? I'm not saying you should shoulder complete financial responsibility for your family, your husband should be playing his role. You need to sit him down and talk to him about where you are as a family and what your concerns are, you're a team. He's probably keeping up appearances because he wants to provide you with some level of continuity (and normality?) but I suspect he knows what you have is built on shaky foundations. If he is the dreamer, you must be the grounded partner. Don't be all doom and gloom, all is not lost, but you have to talk to your husband and come up with a financial plan as partners, rather than relying on a forum. Your partner isn't psychic, talk to him this evening. Good luck OP.

Just to say there are plenty of reverse situations like this, where the wife has a bit of a job or business that the comfortably off husband funds but doesn’t really make any money but she enjoys it . The problem here is that I feel our expectations for men are higher and we don’t expect to be funding them to dick around. OP you need to come right to the point in a calm way, you will need to step up and so will he and if he doesn’t then look at if you want to continue. Don’t worry about private school etc, bright kids will do perfectly fine at a decent state school, my 19 year old son did and that was following 18 months private,

My FIL (soon to be ex) is such an ego monster, that amongst other things, he stole money the grandparents had left for his children, to prop up his failing businesses.

He is all about the show, institute of directors etc. All of his chat is about how he should have/ would have/ could have been a massive success if it weren't for nefarious forces working against him. Borrows money from his kids rather than fold. He's late 70s but imagines he looks younger (he doesn't) and still goes to the office everyday because his whole identity is about his imagined deserving right to be a success.

My STBXH could very well follow in his path.

Good luck getting your leopard to change his spots.

If his business isn’t making money it’s just a hobby and should be something he does in his spare time.

But all these wives with pissy little cupcake-shop or gingham-twiggy-hearts businesses generally do all the housework and childcare as well as titting around calling themselves 'mumtrepreneurs'. I doubt OP's H does anything like that - in his head, he's the megastar, not the indulged one being propped up by his wife's money.

OP this is going to sound harsh, and I don't really want it to but I can't think of any other way to say it.

Most women have traumatic births. Most women strughle to loose baby weight. Most women have to pull themselves together and get back to work. They manage and so will you!

It sounds like you are fed up of the DH and its time to move on. Do you still own a house outright? Then life is good.

So DF passed away, and significant inheritance followed. The money from our houses and DF supported us through DH’s dream businesses 1 & 2 (concurrent), a child (infertility issues = costs), my birth trauma issues and now here we are

So you've had a significant inheritance and have/had multiple properties? Why would you having a traumatic birth cost you any money?

Financial advisor at Christmas showed us (separately) how we’re out of money and in trouble

How didn't you know this already??

No chance of paying for the education we’d like for our daughter, no real retirement savings, and very few earning years left

State school is absolutely fine. Both mine went to state school, they are now both doing well at Uni, in fact in many cases they are doing better than their counterparts who went to private school. What a waste of £££££ for the parents of those privately educated kids, who are sinking at Uni.

My reaction was to immediately take as much responsibility for my part as I could. Got counselling (financial & emotional) to get my thoughts straight

So, after the Financial Advisor told you there was no money left, you're response was to spend more ££££ getting even more counselling? This is on top of the counselling you've already had to get over the birth of your daughter? Can't you see how mad that is? Lots of women have traumatic births, myself included, and they don't have the time or money to have counselling.

I will never forgive myself for my financial naïveté in these last years, but it took all I had to pull my body & soul back together

What does this even mean

We’d be selling off even more assets to do this

So there are multiple assets? Even though neither of you has worked for ten years? Can't you see how lucky you are?

It makes up for some of the (less helpful) other responses. Hopefully now that it’s clear I won’t ever be a burden on the UK taxpayer, some will be consoled

People are agog, because you sound as though you are probably richer than most people can ever dream of. You have inheritance, houses, assets etc. Despite neither of you actually having worked for TEN years. You both sound like you're in fairyland.

In the nicest way possible, get everything down on paper. Sell all the assets, get a job....you will still most likely be rich. Sounds like you have no mortgage. You are only 46, you have at least 20 years left to earn a decent living. And stop supporting your DH. If he finds another woman to sponge off, so be it.

OP this is going to sound harsh, and I don't really want it to but I can't think of any other way to say it. Most women have traumatic births. Most women strughle to loose baby weight. Most women have to pull themselves together and get back to work. They manage and so will you!

This isn't the problem she asked for help with though, is it? So what was the purpose of your oh so reluctant harshness?

I think that highlighting the self indulgence from both parties is helpful as I don't think OP is seeing this and being aware and taking responsibility without excuse is what needs to happen if she wants the situation to change. It's also usual to point out that whilst that situation isn't what the OP had hoped for, it's still better than what most people deal with. OP is saying this feedback isn't helpful but i agree that people just can't believe the self indulgence.

OP I hear you - until recently I was trapped in a similar situation; DH with a 'performance wanking' business which didn't pay much at all, leaving us 90% dependent on what I could earn, which was banjaxed once I had a child. I clung on the the hope that his business would improve for 4yrs, but things just got so bad I couldn't deny them anymore, for the sake of our daughter - husband I believe is still in denial .

I'm spade in hand, digging my way out. It's hell. But, nothing compared to the hell if I hadn't acted - please act sooner than later. At least if you split, get yourself sorted with a good job etc, and he magically does start taking responsibility and making money, you can get back together in a healthier way? I won't be doing that with mine but it's an option. For now your child must come first?

From the OP: My reaction was to immediately take as much responsibility for my part as I could. Got counselling (financial & emotional) to get my thoughts straight, cut our spending by 3/4, and am trying hard to get back into the workforce.

and It is sad for me to give up my SAHM life, but I’m looking at it as an opportunity too and getting on with it.

and I will never forgive myself for my financial naïveté in these last years [...] Now I’m trying to be positive and make up for it.

She acknowledges that mistakes have been made and is trying to turn things around. Her husband won't join her in that task and won't even talk about it. She's asking for advice about how to handle that short of LTB. Giving her a kicking about the past 'self indulgence' of having had counselling after a traumatic birth (we don't know the details, so we can't say her experience was common) really isn't helpful, you know.

I wonder if the OP is in the USA where things are different in terms of services and support, hence some of these life events costing her money:

Fertility treatment - costs lots of money, wherever you are

Traumatic birth - need for follow-up from OBGYN, counsellor and paediatrician, no free midwife de-brief or GP support like on NHS .

Losing weight - perhaps there are no cheap council-run gyms where she is so she got a personal trainer that would fit in with childcare?

Financial counselling - could this be going to somewhere like CAB?

Education for daughter - worrying about US college fees?

Not sure how making her feel bad is going to solve her problems .

How can you get through to your husband? By not funding his lifestyle anymore. His businesses are making a loss, so make him responsible for the shortfall and ringfence the money you have for securing a future for you and your daughter.

Where that leaves your marriage will depend on him, will he prioritise you and DD over his dream?

I could understand a fuck up...but it sounds like you've both been in fairyland for ten years, merrily spending without looking at the pot - and now you're surprised thst the pot is empty!

Yes your DH is an arse, but that money was left to YOU - what happened to it was YOUR choice.

What on earth did you expect as you were frittering it away without keeping an eye on it?

Managing finances PROPERLY means that your accounts should NEVER surprise you.

It's one thing to be £50 out or even £100 - but to have burnt through a 'significant inheritance' without knowing you'd done it is MASSIVELY irresponsible and feckless, more so when you have a child.

Thanks to his public profile and contacts over these last years (and he’s quite good-looking), he’ll no doubt find another sugar-mummy.

I know this is a side point, but I think this is unlikely. A good-looking older man in a performance-related industry, with a reputation for entrepreneurism is not going to attract women interested in funding him. The would-be sugar babies are likely to move on very quickly when they realise there's no gold to dig.

I know absolutely fuck all about business and money so I don't have an awful lot of advice except to say that if it's not sustainable, it's not sustainable; it'll have to end one way or another.

Good luck with it all, it sounds very hard.