Sorry it's long. Just getting my thoughts out.

[EndOfMyPip]

N/C but I have posted about him before. Second marriage for both of us me 2 DC him 1 DC and all live together. None together. In my previous marriage my H fucked off and left me horrendously in debt so my credit rating was horrendous when me and current H got together. He has a successful business. We moved in together after a year and a half and got engaged, booked the wedding and he bought a house. I couldn't go on the mortgage at that point because of my credit rating. I sold my house and paid my debts but it's taken 6 years and I'm almost veering into a fair credit rating. House is still in his name. He makes excuses whenever I ask to go on deeds etc for some security. I work in the family business.
On the face of it people would say he's a great husband. He provides and we have an excellent standard of living.
He belittles me, runs me down all the time, tells me to 'get back to the council estate I found you on' (it's irrelevant but it wasn't a council estate, I owned my own home with my ex) tells me I am nothing without him, constantly talks about how amazing he is etc. His whole family do it too. They believe themselves to be superior because they have this successful business. I have no security.
I was always very anti porn because of a variety of reasons including the ethical reasons but if I'm honest also because of self esteem.
He swore at the beginning he wasn't interested in porn and I believed him.
Fast forward all these years on and the frequent occasions I have caught him using it. I learned to STFU.
I don't even cook any more because he criticises everything I do. He criticises how I clean the house and how I do the laundry. I feel battered down.
If we go out he openly leers at other women to the point where I don't want to see certain friends any more because he's behaved so badly in front of them and I feel so humiliated. I cringe if we are in the car and a young woman in tight clothing jogs down the street because he has no subtlety or respect for me (or them!) in the way he gawps open mouthed slowing down to leer at them. I have asked him not to and told him how it makes me feel. He doesn't care. I don't want to have sex with him any more because his behaviour makes me feel so shit. He's not bothered. He's that busy watching porn and leering at all the women he thinks he can have.
I recently was named on a will that eventually I will come into a sum of money. Not hugely life changing but would be some security for me and my DC. It's kind of changed how I feel because there is hope now.
I have been saving money and have calculated what I would need to survive on for 6 months if I left. I'm not quite halfway yet.
Yesterday morning I got into work after actually quite a nice weekend. He was on his iphone about to download an app although I couldn't see what it was. He looked pissed off that I had seen him. FWIW he's not an 'app' kind of person and always goes on about how technology is destroying humanity etc. Later on I walked back into the office and he was on his phone again looking for postcodes for something we were working on. It showed his history and 'Pornhub' quite clearly. He was watching porn in our office with me sat there.
I told him I'd seen it and to stop doing that at work.
He didn't say a word and I just went home.
All eveing he was breezy and singing songs while I sat in my DD room (my DC at their DF this week) no apology, no contriteness, nothing. Later he will tell me I'm being ridiculous because all men do it (and yes they probably do) and get over it.
He just doesn't give one solitary fuck about me or my feelings.
When I leave I will lose the house, my job, probably my dog too.
He's in my head all the time because he's drilled it into me how I am nothing.
I plan on leaving once I have the funds in place. I know it will be difficult though because pathetically there is still love for him. No idea why. It's the old cliche of when he's nice everything is great. But we always come back to this place and I know I can't stay. I don't trust him.
He was laughing at my upset last and will be today and then it will turn to nastiness. And that's not love is it?

No its not love. It's abuse.

Nothing to do with you - he does it bcs he's an inadequate (tho don't be feeling sorry for him, he enjoys what he does).

Do the Freedom Programme - go along to your local group. Are you married yet?

Contact your local Women's Aid - in fact have a good look at their site, there's a lot of help and support there. Do get them on side, they are wonderful.

So sorry you've been through this. Roll on the day you are free

Save your money get a place for you and dc and just leave, pack all your belongings, take your dog with you.

Don't tell him when you are leaving just leave, do not tell him where you are going. Get yourself a good lawyer and ensure any comms is via solicitor.

We got married 4 years ago. I did have doubts on the roll up to the wedding but tbh he wasn't as bad back then.
I've been saving the Freedom Programme for when I have finally made the break, I'd have to explain where I was to him if I went to any meetings.
My head is such a mash today and I just feel a mixture of sadness and disgust for him. Who sits watching porn during the day with their wife in the office?

I couldn't afford a place of my own Beaver I've looked at rents and everything is so expensive. I'd have to move back to my parents (their house is cluttered to death and my DF is ill so not ideal) and I would lose my job. I moved to this city to be with him and have no friends here really. The only people I know here are his friends and they don't really care too much for me because I'm not from here. Any attempts I made at friends he put the block on ages ago.

What the other respondents have written. I also think you were targeted by your current H as he probably honed in on you when you were in a bad place.

You really do need to leave asap; saving money takes time and remaining there at all simply gives him more opportunity to abuse and belittle you and in turn your child (who is more likely than not aware that her mother is very unhappy at home). This is not what you want to teach your kids about relationships, you certainly would not want your DD to have a relationship like this. Find yourself a solicitor and one at that who is well versed in the ways of manipulative and otherwise abusive men.

Think how amazing it will be to walk out that door, disengage and keep your chin up knowing you will do just that shortly.

I totally understand what you are saying. But when your head is clear, go and see a solicitor, when you do have some money see if you can not find a place to rent where you are from. You can sin up to recruitment agencies and temp.

Trust me you will find a way. If anything say you have a doctor's app and go and speak to someone who can give you advice.

Brazzle I think about it all the time. I haven't told a soul outside of here (there's no-one to tell anyway) My DP will be upset because they think he's great (everyone does) but it's miserable. So I just plan in secret. Rents are so expensive though, how the hell does anyone afford to get free? I will be 50 soon and I have nothing. Absolutely nothing.

You are married so that house is half yours even if he is the only one on the deeds. See a solicitor. Find and copy all the financial documentation you can. Don't sell yourself short.

you don't have nothing. you have a good credit rating. and to be honest you will get something out of this marriage even if your name is not on the deeds, at least enough to put a deposit down on somewhere for yourself.

If you moved to this city with nothing and got a job, you can do it again.

Get some legal advice ASAP, length of marriages count for a lot, and people who think the because house is in their name only they don't have to do a settlement are generally wrong.

Definitely see a solicitor as you maybe entitled to something even if limited.its a short marriage and no children but assets accrued through the marriage are relevant.

How are your dc coping? Will they need to change schools?

Don't beat yourself up, abusive men often have a charming exterior and he sounds as if he could have npd.

He is likely to be vindictive in the divorce and his reputation and image will be vital to him so if possible record his rants. Prepare secretly for separation and don't assume you can reason with him.

I made the mistake of thinking I could separare amicably from a similar character but he has reacted very badly and looking back I should have forseen it and prepared silently.

Omg Brazzle can you imagine manpower she would have with doing that.

When you have nothing, you have nothing to lose. You've come into a bit of money, are almost out of debt (well done!) and are able to see straight, maybe it's the start of a new, more positive era.

OP a lot of people have started over at the age of 50 and made it. Don't worry you have it in you to do it, remember you do not have to stay in he area you are in.

But firstly get all the info you need from women support groups and a solicitor.

Then move forward from there.

My sister has gone through a similar situation, it was making her physically sick.
2 years down the line and, yes she’s still living with my mum sharing a double bed with 2 kids but she’s so much happier. She’s free! She may not have much to show other than a few suitcases but as soon as she left we all commented that we could see the weight had been lifted off her shoulders.
It’s painful now and once you leave it will be very difficult but the relief in getting your life back will make it so very very worth it.
Get a good Solicitor and fight back because your worth it xx

Whatever you do, do not let him find out about this inheritance that you are waiting for. He will make you give it to him and then it will be much harder to get away.
You said that you could move back to where you are originally from, I would do this and temporarily move in with Dp if necessary.
Could you afford to put a deposit down for a house there or if not rent. If your Dc are in full time education you will get benefits to boost your wage and maybe help with rent from housing Benefit.
You need to speak to a Solicitor, you should be entitled to some of the equity in the house.

I am googling solicitors in my area that do a free half hour. I have a little notebook hidden with all my calculations and plans. To the outside world they'd say we had it all, nice house, loads of money (all 'his' apparently) nice cars (all in his name) but the reality is awful. I can lie to myself for periods of time and play along and sometimes even kid myself that I'm happy but then things like yesterday with the porn happen and I'm reminded how little respect he has for me.
He texted me this morning from work. Just a one line about me bringing the milk in as we'd run out. I've blocked his number for the day so I can think. Not that he'll text again. He never plays by the normal 'rules' of a couple argument ie apologies, trying to talk. Just ignores it all and carries on not giving a fuck and eventually making me think it's all my fault. I won't miss that. To be honest I think when I do leave he'll be massively shocked.
My DC are ok. They know what he is like. I don't want my DD to think this is what relationships are about and I've told her that in the past (she's 13) They would have to move schools and away from their friends and I feel the weight of the burden of that too.

Name change fail

I just can't get anything right

N/c matter, don't worry Sweatheart! We're all your friends here.
We're behind you and are with you all the way.
If course you get things right! Stop knocking yourself!

I know you said rents are expensive in your area but you could claim housing benefit, child tax benefit, working tax benefit (if you work part time), you might get more than you expect.

How many kids have you got?

I've been there and you'll be fine. You're def making the right decision to fuck off, he's a shit!

Sounds like the fucker has ground you down to think you can't do anything right.
Of course you can!!! get to a solicitor asap. Get some advice about benefits. Work out your options, I agree don't tell him about the inheritance at the moment.
and go grey rock from now on, just nod and smile and let it all wash over you (probably not possible, but worth a try)

DO NOT let him know what you are planning.

Do you have access to bank statements re his business/salary? Get everything you can, all documents, everything you can think of.

You can do this girl. Keep going

He's just come back from work all breezy (I'm in my DD room) opened the door of her room and asked if I want dinner (not reconcilitary just arsey like he is a victim and I'm unreasonable) I said no thank you.
Now he's just had a shave. He only shaves when he's going out.

I've spent all day reading up on what I need to do and trying to get my head straight. I feel miserable. I feel so worn down. We had such potential to have a happy life and his narcissism just ruined everything.
When I am ready to leave he will turn even more nasty.

Springy I wouldn't tell him what I'm planning. I haven't told anyone.