Sorry it's long. Just getting my thoughts out.

[EndOfMyPip]

N/C but I have posted about him before. Second marriage for both of us me 2 DC him 1 DC and all live together. None together. In my previous marriage my H fucked off and left me horrendously in debt so my credit rating was horrendous when me and current H got together. He has a successful business. We moved in together after a year and a half and got engaged, booked the wedding and he bought a house. I couldn't go on the mortgage at that point because of my credit rating. I sold my house and paid my debts but it's taken 6 years and I'm almost veering into a fair credit rating. House is still in his name. He makes excuses whenever I ask to go on deeds etc for some security. I work in the family business.
On the face of it people would say he's a great husband. He provides and we have an excellent standard of living.
He belittles me, runs me down all the time, tells me to 'get back to the council estate I found you on' (it's irrelevant but it wasn't a council estate, I owned my own home with my ex) tells me I am nothing without him, constantly talks about how amazing he is etc. His whole family do it too. They believe themselves to be superior because they have this successful business. I have no security.
I was always very anti porn because of a variety of reasons including the ethical reasons but if I'm honest also because of self esteem.
He swore at the beginning he wasn't interested in porn and I believed him.
Fast forward all these years on and the frequent occasions I have caught him using it. I learned to STFU.
I don't even cook any more because he criticises everything I do. He criticises how I clean the house and how I do the laundry. I feel battered down.
If we go out he openly leers at other women to the point where I don't want to see certain friends any more because he's behaved so badly in front of them and I feel so humiliated. I cringe if we are in the car and a young woman in tight clothing jogs down the street because he has no subtlety or respect for me (or them!) in the way he gawps open mouthed slowing down to leer at them. I have asked him not to and told him how it makes me feel. He doesn't care. I don't want to have sex with him any more because his behaviour makes me feel so shit. He's not bothered. He's that busy watching porn and leering at all the women he thinks he can have.
I recently was named on a will that eventually I will come into a sum of money. Not hugely life changing but would be some security for me and my DC. It's kind of changed how I feel because there is hope now.
I have been saving money and have calculated what I would need to survive on for 6 months if I left. I'm not quite halfway yet.
Yesterday morning I got into work after actually quite a nice weekend. He was on his iphone about to download an app although I couldn't see what it was. He looked pissed off that I had seen him. FWIW he's not an 'app' kind of person and always goes on about how technology is destroying humanity etc. Later on I walked back into the office and he was on his phone again looking for postcodes for something we were working on. It showed his history and 'Pornhub' quite clearly. He was watching porn in our office with me sat there.
I told him I'd seen it and to stop doing that at work.
He didn't say a word and I just went home.
All eveing he was breezy and singing songs while I sat in my DD room (my DC at their DF this week) no apology, no contriteness, nothing. Later he will tell me I'm being ridiculous because all men do it (and yes they probably do) and get over it.
He just doesn't give one solitary fuck about me or my feelings.
When I leave I will lose the house, my job, probably my dog too.
He's in my head all the time because he's drilled it into me how I am nothing.
I plan on leaving once I have the funds in place. I know it will be difficult though because pathetically there is still love for him. No idea why. It's the old cliche of when he's nice everything is great. But we always come back to this place and I know I can't stay. I don't trust him.
He was laughing at my upset last and will be today and then it will turn to nastiness. And that's not love is it?

I’m in a similar position Pip. Wrong side of 50 though. No money and nowhere to go. Desperately searching for a full time job that will pay enough for me to live independently. More than qualified and have loads of experience but I’m sure it’s my age that’s stopping the job offers. Like you I’m planning my escape and getting everything in place for the right time. I wish you nothing but good luck

Sammy I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. It's so unbelievably shit isn't it? Do you have good friends you can turn to?
It's great that you're qualified and experienced, I'm sure the right job will come along soon and everything will just click into place for you. X

I have been working in my H family business so no chance of a reference
I don't have qualifications that would enable me to earn a lot which is another stumbling block.
H is singing merrily through the house. He has always done this when he has been a cunt. It's so that it's apparent I am the unreasonable one and not him that was watching porn at lunchtime while I was sat with my back to him at work. In a billion years he would never apologise or even think he was in the wrong.
Why do they get to breeze it all out while we desperately scrabble about trying to solve problems and find solutions so we can get free all the while feeling like shit?

I don't know what the business is, but can you try and get some sort of proof of what you do and how competent you are at it? emails printed out from customers or other people in the industry.
you might not get a reference, but you can explain to future employers.
And you might be able to get a reference from people who deal with you, again dependent on the type of business.
not urgent, but something to not catastrophise if you leave.

I could get some reference type emails from our accountant and maybe a few customers once I'd left Hunting Might be awkward though because they'd still be dealing with him.
I feel so flat and mentally exhausted from having thought about all the billion aspects of life I will be needing to sort out. I've been gathering wage slips and info for a bit. All the secret planning makes me feel so shit though. Especially through the periods where we were getting on ok.

Sounds like you've been busy organising things today, well done.

You shouldn't be cooped up in your DD bedroom. Go and chill downstairs..you'll enjoy it even more once he's gone out.

You will be entitled to your share of family money, OP, regardless of whether your name is on any documents. He married you; you are a legal partnership.

Could you use some of the money you've saved and spend an hour with a solicitor?

Have you got evidence of what the business is worth? Bank accounts? Savings? Pensions? I would really play hard ball with someone who'd treated me like that.

I worked out I would need enough money to support my DC and I living at my parents for 6 months before I could leave because I can't rely on him to give me any money and be reasonable. He won't.
I am just under halfway there. I figure 6 months is long enough for me to find work and get the DC settled and divorce well underway.
I've got some documents and copies of bank statements, there are no pensions. When he is in full on cunt-mode he always says we will just sell the house and split to proceeds which would suit me down to the ground. But I doubt he means that. I think he thinks I won't actually leave which is why he is so vile to me. For years I've begged for him to stop wanking over porn, leering at women in the street, making me think everything is my fault and that I can't get anything right. To no avail. He just doesn't give a shit.
He's walking around the house singing cheerily. I doubt he's going out, I think that was just a head-game of his (probably in his head getting himself ready for all the women he sees himself fucking soon )
I stay away in DD room because I don't want to engage with him. He treats me like I'm a joke.

if you do accounts/ have inside info - you have evidence of his drawings, so you are at least ahead on proving an income for child maintanence

We don't have any DC together Nettle I wouldn't get any maintenance.

ahh, poo. sorry. make it easier in many ways though, as no kids to use for emotional blackmail or contact controlling issues, and once you are free, you never need see him again.

You really need to get Legal advice OP. You will get a share of the house, you may get Spousal maintenance (if you now cannot work) - you need to see a solicitor about it all. No point spinning your own head when you don't know the facts, legally.

I hope you find that you'll be significantly better off than you think.

Very true! I have just been looking for jobs. I seem to be woefully underqualified for everything even shop work.
How the fuck to people support themselves these days? Rent seems so expensive (even for crappy areas round my parents area) and I haven't come across one job I am qualified to do that would be able to support me and DC

Don't assume that you will walk away from this horrible marriage with nothing, op. The fact that your name isn't on the deeds shouldn't stop you getting 50:50 in a split i don't think; the only problem may be that it's been a short marriage. I'm not an expert though.

See a solicitor asap and find out where you stand.

Stay strong - you can do this!!

Yes I have to make an appointment tomorrow for a free half hour session. My head hurts with thinking so much!

Do contact your local Women's Aid. Your head won't hurt so much bcs they'll do it all with you. They know what you're entitled to - do get in touch as soon as you can.

I seem to keep saying this to women in your situation @EndOfMyPip but really, really, REALLY think about getting yourself on the list for council housing. I did, despite being told I had no chance of getting anywhere - and it honestly didn't seem as though I did at times (94th in line for one place). But I did get a place for me & DC in less than two months and I'm so happy here. It was an utter miracle that I got it, but I did.

You won't lose anything by applying, but you might just get that place that tides you over for a little while until you can build up funds again. I'm in a smallish city, but my weekly rent for a 3 bed maisonette is around £90, and I didn't have to pay a deposit. The same maisonettes on my floor rent for over £800 a month when let privately.

As for work, I was completely unemployable, thanks to various mental health issues & employment history (I was the boss, so there wasn't anyone who could give me a reference). I built myself back up with volunteering for various projects. Now I have at least four fairly well-recognised people in their field who'd vouch for me if I ever feel able to work again. It'd be completely at odds with what I did for a living before, but I have the experience certain organisations would want. Volunteering doesn't pay the bills, but it does show your skills, & give you contacts. Not just that, but it's given me the best friends I've ever had, who supported me enormously.

Another thing I'd suggest is seeing if you have a local domestic abuse charity. This relationship is abusive, no doubt about it. Making contact with them may help strengthen your resolve, as well as them being able to provide you with more relevant local information. In my case, they were brilliant advocates for me, as well as just meeting me for coffee and a chat, which really helped.

Also, your husband sounds like a complete ingrown pube,with added pus of infection. You can get out of this. It won't be fun, but you can, and rediscover what it is to be happy again. I promise you that.

What a disgusting example of males he sets for your daughter. RUN!

After yesterdays Pornhub thing that was the final straw for me, when I came downstairs to get a drink just now he ran back in the livingroom to delete his browsing history from his laptop and slam it shut. Couldn't have made it more obvious. He makes me feel ill.

You are married so that house is half yours even if he is the only one on the deeds. See a solicitor. Find and copy all the financial documentation you can. Don't sell yourself short.

Not sure on the legalities, but please do get your free half hour to see what you are entitled to. Might be worth talking to Shelter also.

I’m sorry you’re going through this shit time OP.

As an aside, reading the number of posts here on MN , it’s suprises me how many disfuctional people are out there.....or maybe it’s just representative of the MN community? The lack of respect and just generally poor communication styles along with the selfishness and and low EQ is quite stunning.

Btw OP, you’d hubby is a first class cunt. All the best to you.

Cleaver I've been reading round the Relationships board today and thought the same. Just how many dysfunctional, emotionally abusive cunts are just wandering about. I don't think I will ever have another relationship again. They're just not worth the heartache.

Hi lovely.

I'm having to start from scratch too and I'm a similar age. I'm only working part time but should get enough tax credits whilst until I go full time to be able to support myself and the kids. Stbxh will also.have to pay child maintenance.

So see a solicitor and see what you'd be entitled to. Leave him before you get the inheritance so he doesn't have any claim. See what tax credits you'd get on your own and how much your children's father should be paying in child maintenance. Also, you can move back to where you have family support.

Also see a recruitment agency and get help with your C.V. maybe think.about temping as that's a good way of proving yourself and getting hired or at least getting references.

How are you feeling today Endof? Don't let the sneery, smarmy bastard affect you. He's a disgusting, creepy letch! Just smile inside, knowing that you are soon going to be putting your plan in place.
Let us know how you are doing!

Thank you for asking Honky
I have been forwarding financial stuff to an email address to keep and trying to clear my head as to what else I need. I feel utterly wretched and my heart is in my stomach. He doesn't care. He went off to work this morning as usual. I kept waking up in the night and then having to process why I was in my DD room. I was hoping to go to my DP today but then I'll just have the pressure of explaining to them and them worrying. My DF isn't well and my DM has enough to deal with. And I have the mounting pressure of school being back next week. DD will be furious because she will want to see her school friends.
It's a shitty time because our year end accounts haven't been finalised so I don't have that info just 2016's. My head is mashed.

Endofmypip.
No advice,just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and feel very sorry for your situation.
I hope that this will be the start of a new and brighter future for you.
Your partner is a stupid man who doesnt realise what he has and how lucky he is.
He will live to regret his actions and you will flourish away from him.
Sending you a hug and lots of people thinking of you and wishing you well.