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Original poster

One night stand baby support

58 replies

misscs · 10/04/2018 02:32

Hello there im looking for guidance and support.

I had a one night stand- stupidly. With a guy i didn't know too well but had spoke to intermittently for a year.
The one night stand resulted in a pregnancy thus we now have our son.

He was never there throughout the pregnancy as he said he didn't think he was his child- denial potentially?

Ive said that trust now needs to be built between the 3 of us for safety and comfort which he is fine with.

I brought up trying to see where things go with us, and he is adamant that nothing more will come of us that we will parent him and nothing else. One discussion he said ' it would of been nice for him to have a family but it's not going to happen' - i really domt understand from that statement.

His family would love us together and thinks he's an idiot for not trying. He's 25 and in his mum's words he is stubborn.

I feel very deflated about the whole situation that he won't even attempt it.

To me if we failed and nothing become of us then we tried atleast. But to make a statement like that then not want it. What is it ? Is it his stubbornness?

Does anyone have any honest input?
Honest but please don't be rude.

My ideal scenario would be us 2 together and then my son would have a family. Unfortunately i understand I dont have a magic wand but is there anything I can do? Is there anything im been oblivious to? Please anything id be grateful for
Thank you .

OP posts:

Afreshcuppateaplease · 10/04/2018 02:39

If he doesnt feel that way about you there is no point forcing a relationship!

mindutopia · 10/04/2018 02:42

I think you have to accept you will never have a relationship and build the best possible co-parenting situation for your son. You can’t make someone have a relationship with you just because you had sex once and ended up creating a child together as a result. I had a few one night stands with friends back when I was still single and, pregnant or not, I would not have wanted a relationship with them nor them with me. If he wanted to be with you, he would be. So pick yourself up, hold your head high, be grateful he’s a good dad (sounds like he otherwise is), and move on into this next chapter.

Picklepickle123 · 10/04/2018 02:50

Start with trying to co-parent successfully, because that's the best thing for your son. You have the best part of the next 18 years sharing responsibilities with this guy so plenty of time to consider a relationship if it's the right thing to do.

Iflyaway · 10/04/2018 02:52

Well, like you said, it was a one night stand from which you got pregnant and now have your son.

You cannot expect him to suddenly to become the perfect dad.

He was never there throughout the pregnancy as he said he didn't think he was his child- denial potential You will always get this attitude from a one night stand.

One discussion he said ' it would of been nice for him to have a family but it's not going to happen' - i really domt understand from that statement.^

As MN says, when a man tells you how is he is, listen.

His family would love us together and thinks he's an idiot for not trying. He's 25 and in his mum's words he is stubborn.

It's not about what his family want. He could be overwhelmed from being a dad.

I would - as a single mum myself - do everything I could to give my child the best future I could without wasting time with a dead-beat dad. Don't throw away your and their future for something that may never materialise.

Pinkbedsheets · 10/04/2018 03:06

Sometimes two parents being together is not the perfect family. A child with parents who aren’t together but happy or a child who’s parents are together but, the dad resents the Mum.

It’s not about you or him, it’s about your son and what’s best for him, you can’t force someone to want to be with you, all you can do is be the best Mum you can for your son and be content in your decision that you did try to make things work for his sake.

Angelf1sh · 10/04/2018 03:13

He doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. The fact that you want to be in a relationship with him doesn’t override that. He doesn’t want you and you have to accept that before you make things awkward. Just coparent and move on with you life. Your child still has a family, even if it’s not a traditional one.

ShiftyMcGifty · 10/04/2018 03:19

He can be a dad to his son without needing to be a husband and a partner to you. Don’t try to force yourself as a package deal on him - that’s not fair to your son.

loopylass13 · 10/04/2018 03:52

My 9 year old is the product of a fling with someone I didn't know well at all. I would say try not to make a happy family happen. Hard being a parent so I would advise to just focus on being a mum, if he is not interested in being a dad then it is not the end of the world because all children need is one care giver to offer constant stability, security and love. Have all that from you and child will turn out fine. No family is perfect and every family is different x

Rainbowqueeen · 10/04/2018 04:08

I don't think it's stubbornness. If he wanted to be in a relationship with you I think it wouldn't have been a one night stand, things would have happened straight away.

I also think his family are saying things like this because they are terrified that they will miss out on their grandson.

I think everyone has the dream that they will be a standard nuclear family but it doesn't always work out that way. It's doesn't mean that you can't have a wonderful life and an excellent co-parenting relationship.

I agree with Pps who say focus on doing the best for your son. Let go of that dream. That gives you the chance to have other wonderful things happen in your life

PrettyLittIeThing · 10/04/2018 06:13

I'm sorry but it's never going to happen. Two people shouldn't be together just because they have a child, especially as there was no relationship beforehand.

Psychobabble123 · 10/04/2018 06:16

I agree with Pretty, sorry OP.

Oneapenny · 10/04/2018 06:20

I’m not sure what you don’t understand as he has told you clearly he doesn’t want to be with you. You have to accept it I’m afraid.

SD1978 · 10/04/2018 06:20

Sorry- he doesn’t want you, and apart from a quick romp. He never did. He has had the whole pregnancy to decide to try and see if there is anything meaningful between you. He has decided there is not. You can’t force him to have a relationship, which very may well fail, juts because you and his mom think it would be nice. The only thing h has to do is coparent. The only person he has to see is your son. You are not there in any way for him a part from as the other parent to your son. If he’s fulfilling that role- then he’s doing well. Don’t expect or wait for anything else. Get on with your own life. Let him do the same and both get on with each other for the sake of parenting your son.

Sammy901 · 10/04/2018 06:57

You were a one night stand ? Why do you think all of a sudden he’s going to get into a relationship with you just because you had his baby. It’s not going to be a baby that was overly wanted by him. If he would of wanted to make it work then he would of done that in the last 9 months!

minmooch · 10/04/2018 07:14

He can be a great dad to his son without being in a relationship with you.

You need to understand that he does not want to have a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship with you. You Can not force him to love you.

You can work together to be great co-parents.

cakecakecheese · 10/04/2018 07:37

It's not stubbornness to not want a relationship with someone if you just don't want one. Also if he's getting a bit of pressure from you and his family then that's only going to push him further away.

Yes it would be lovely if the three of you could be a happy family but you need to accept that it's not happening. Don't force it, just focus on your child and if you can have a civil relationship with the father then that's a lot better than what a lot of people manage.

FissionChips · 10/04/2018 07:45

He’s really not into you and that’s ok. Much better to have these things clear from the outset, avoids heartache and confusion for your son. Concentrate on developing a stable co parenting relationship, your son won’t miss out

AJPTaylor · 10/04/2018 07:46

The child has a family.
You and he are never going to get together in a month of sundays.
Why would you want to be with someone who doesnt want you?

Hunhu · 10/04/2018 07:59

He was never there throughout the pregnancy as he said he didn't think he was his child- denial potentially?

Well considering you were unsure of who fathered the child just a couple of months ago I think he was right to be sceptical. I hope - for the baby's sake- that there's been a paternity tests.

Addictedtohavingbabies · 10/04/2018 08:03

Just because he's your baby's father doesn't mean he has to be your partner. Anyone can get anyone pregnant, but to hold down a relationship you need compatibility and love and if your relationship is just based on the fact you have a child together it doesn't bode well.
What's important is that you can get on and co parent the child, even if that means it's separately.

Addictedtohavingbabies · 10/04/2018 08:06

And if he doesn't feel that way about you, it can't be forced. Would you really want to be with someone just because there is a child, knowing that it wasn't what he really wanted? And if was purely for the child's benefit, then don't you deserve a loving relationship for yourself?

MrPerkinsisaprick · 10/04/2018 08:37

He doesn't want you. It's nothing to do with stubbornness.

HollowTalk · 10/04/2018 08:43

You had unprotected sex with two different men in the same month, OP. No wonder your ONS doesn't know whether he's the father or not - you didn't either.

LIZS · 10/04/2018 08:52

You barely know him , let alone can make a mutual commitment to be a family. Sorry if it is harsh but you cannot assume it will be happy ever after just because you now have a baby. Ask for child support, via cms, and keep it about your ds not you.

serialcheat · 10/04/2018 08:59

There is no ' we ' or ' us '. What part of ' I don't want you in my life one second more than I have to !!!! ' do you not understand !?

Unfortunately, you were probably just a ' drunken shag ' in his eyes, and now he's saddled with child care and maintenance. And rightly so, but I bet he rues meeting you, every single day.

He's not stubborn, not wanting a family life with you, he's just wise enough to realise you were a massive mistake.

How old are you !?

All the above seems pretty harsh, but you now have a son to love and care for, and I think you need to take off the rise tinted glasses.

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