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Original poster

One night stand baby support

58 replies

misscs · 10/04/2018 02:32

Hello there im looking for guidance and support.

I had a one night stand- stupidly. With a guy i didn't know too well but had spoke to intermittently for a year.
The one night stand resulted in a pregnancy thus we now have our son.

He was never there throughout the pregnancy as he said he didn't think he was his child- denial potentially?

Ive said that trust now needs to be built between the 3 of us for safety and comfort which he is fine with.

I brought up trying to see where things go with us, and he is adamant that nothing more will come of us that we will parent him and nothing else. One discussion he said ' it would of been nice for him to have a family but it's not going to happen' - i really domt understand from that statement.

His family would love us together and thinks he's an idiot for not trying. He's 25 and in his mum's words he is stubborn.

I feel very deflated about the whole situation that he won't even attempt it.

To me if we failed and nothing become of us then we tried atleast. But to make a statement like that then not want it. What is it ? Is it his stubbornness?

Does anyone have any honest input?
Honest but please don't be rude.

My ideal scenario would be us 2 together and then my son would have a family. Unfortunately i understand I dont have a magic wand but is there anything I can do? Is there anything im been oblivious to? Please anything id be grateful for
Thank you .

OP posts:
coffeeX10 · 10/04/2018 09:00

One discussion he said ' it would of been nice for him to have a family but it's not going to happen'

I think what hes saying is, in an ideal situation its 'nice' for a child to have both parents together as a family, however hes clearly saying "but thats not going to happen"

He's being very clear with you which is good, better that than him stringing you along with something casual with the pretence of it maybe turning into something serious.

Agree with the PP that said his family will want to see their grandchild so will think that he should from that POV, again has been said before though - what his family and you want does not override his own feelings.

Sorry OP.

serialcheat · 10/04/2018 09:01

Rose

PrettyLittIeThing · 10/04/2018 10:23

So you had a one night stand with 2 guys in one month? (not judging) would you have wanted a relationship with the other guy if it turned out he was the dad? Seems you just want a relationship now you have a baby so that your not a single mum. You can't seriously believe it's on the cards? Concentrate on yourself and the baby.

ScreamingValenta · 10/04/2018 10:32

Is there anything im been oblivious to?

I don't mean this to sounds harsh, but you're being oblivious to the fact he just isn't interested in you as a long-term partner. If this had ever been on the cards, your sex would have been the start of a relationship, not a one-night-stand.

It sounds as though he is being honest with you, which is good, and that he is open to doing the best he can as a parent to your child, but I don't see how he could tell you any more clearly that he doesn't want to be your partner.

ScreamingValenta · 10/04/2018 10:32

'sound' not 'sounds'

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 10/04/2018 10:34

Trying to push for a romantic involvement when he doesn't want one is likely to make things worse for you and your child. Focus on building a civil co-parenting relationship. And he should be contributing financially of course.

RatherBeRiding · 10/04/2018 10:38

is there anything I can do? Is there anything im been oblivious to?

Yes - you can accept that he has absolutely no interest in having any kind of relationship with you, because it was a one-night stand.

At best he will financially support and take an interest in his child - but he obviously has zero interest in you so stop expecting anything!

Dancingleopard · 10/04/2018 10:43

How old are you op? My niece has just gone through the same although the dad is denying her son is his. She met him through a dating app.

I can understand why you feel the way you do, you obviously like him more than he does you and I can see why that would be hurtful.

This was never a relationship though was it? And I’d try and move away from that idea Flowers

Belindabauer · 10/04/2018 10:46

I agree with what's been said. You had a one night stand that's all.
He doesn't want a relationship with you.

Chocolate1984 · 10/04/2018 10:48

He isn't being stubborn. He is being honest.

oldbirdy · 10/04/2018 10:57

A family member of mine is the male in this situation. His child is a teen now.

He had a one night stand while drunk at a party. A child resulted. She would have tried a relationship for the child's sake but he was not interested at all.

They have always managed to coparent very well, I suspect precisely because they have no romantic or relationship history. The mother accepted while the child was still a baby that this was never going to be a relationship about anything other than co-parenting and because she accepted this and moved on the child has never known different. Neither parent has anything bad to say about the other. No one's heart was broken, no one was cheated on.

I believe the child has not been told the true "conception story", just that his parents weren't together very long and realised they were never going to be a couple, but they are both glad he is here.

I think that's what will work best for your son in the future.

EasterRobin · 10/04/2018 11:40

If he's not interested in a relationship with you, it's a whole lot easier that you know this now. Don't dwell on that. Just move on with coparenting and keep an eye out for someone else when you are good and ready for a new relationship.

But... It does sound like you might have an interested set of grandparents for some extra family support! Do they live close (within an hour or so's drive)? Because if they do, this could be a great connection to encourage for babysitting and childcare help or when you need some sleep or are ill etc (if you're happy for them to also have a role in your DC's life).

Dancingmonkey87 · 10/04/2018 11:51

I’m surprised his family are encouraging you to have a relationship. This was a one night stand no real bonds with formed between you other than your child, the fact you slept with someone else suggests to me that you weren’t remotely interested in this man and if you didn’t have a baby you wouldn’t be in contact?

PrettyLittIeThing · 10/04/2018 12:02

He's family probably want it because it can be seen as shameful to have a baby with someone you've never even had a relationship with (not my thoughts.)

Pinkvoid · 10/04/2018 15:39

I don’t know what it is you aren’t understanding tbh. He has been very clear and stated that he doesn’t want to be with you and just wants you to co-parent. You will have to accept that!

snash12 · 10/04/2018 16:22

I don't understand why anyone would continue with a pregnancy which is the result of a ONS.

snash12 · 10/04/2018 16:24

I'm very sorry that came across much worse than I intended - I meant about expecting ONS men to step up and being surprised that they don't

OakIsBetterTho · 10/04/2018 16:26

Another one confused as to what it is that you cannot get into your head Hmm he's been very clear about the fact he doesn't want to be with you, and he doesn't see this changing, but that he wants to co-parent well with you. The ideal outcome from a ons resulting in a pregnancy I would say.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 10/04/2018 16:27

He literally couldn’t make it any clearer that he is not interested in you! Give it up. You need to accept this. Did you get pregnant deliberately to try and manipulate him into a relationship?

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 10/04/2018 16:32

How do people know there were 2 potential fathers? Confused

PalePinkSwan · 10/04/2018 16:50

People know from the OP’s other threads.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 10/04/2018 16:54

Ah! Ok. I read the OP about 4 times trying to see where it said that. Grin

privateporcupine · 10/04/2018 16:58

It is you who is in denial OP. He has told you explicitly what he wants. Whereas he had every reason to doubt it was his child. Now you’ve done a DNA test and he is taking responsibility.

Of course it would have been nice for your son to have a regular mum loves dad and vice versa family. As it would be for every child. And to suggest he is just too stubborn to have a relationship with you? Can you not see how that comes across?

You are in a better position that many who have conceived through a ONS. Accept it for what it is and move on. Doing anything else will only make life difficult for your son.

expatinscotland · 10/04/2018 17:07

You need to move on. He doesn't want a relationship with you other than co-parenting.

SleepingStandingUp · 10/04/2018 17:09

And please don't think having sex with him will help. It won't

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