I don't know what to do.

[LogsByTheFireside]

Ugh, I feel awful for saying this but I need to put it somewhere and I have nowhere/no one else. As I start, I'm not even sure where I'm going with it really.

My boyfriend of 8 months is autistic. It's caused a few issues - we've yet to go more than 6 weeks without him ending it and going AWOL for a week or so. I can handle the shut downs. But I find the catastrophising and 'dumping' more difficult and the fact he'll offload to anyone who'll listen which I know has affected people's opinion of me.

It's compounded by the fact that I also have AS/HFA so have my own issues. I find that I get 'stuck' when I know these things are happening; it affects my sleep; I can't eat; I withdraw; I get overwhelmed with the injustice of it all! It affects my concentration at work and even my ability to speak sometimes.

I feel slightly irked that I have had to do an awful lot of work on my own to improve my emotional reactions to things. And "I know, I am silly but I didn't understand!" with a smile is beginning to wear really thin, if I'm honest. It's hard because I want to shout at him and say "well fucking talk to me then if you don't understand rather than dumping me, deleting your email account, blocking me on your phone". Although, in reality, I know that he is so overwhelmed by his emotion that all he can think of is how to stop it (dumping/blocking/deleting) and that he thinks he has understood until he's processed it fully a week or so later.

This has improved hugely recently so I feel I ought to balance this all with an acknowledgement that a) he was diagnosed as an adult b) he has not had any involvement with adult autism support services so has just been muddling through on his own and finding his own way to deal with things c) he is obviously working at it now, with my support.

The problem for me is that it's at the point at which he is beginning to take control of it and to manage it appropriately is also the point at which I find my ability to 'tolerate' it is waning. I'm a bit worried that he will reach a point where it's managed/manageable and that's the point at which I'll end it. The impulse to end it, walk away and 'burn bridges' is overwhelming at times.

One of the things I love about him is that he is honest and open and I can trust him. And he is. I have no doubt about that. The problem is that this means there is no filter at all. Whereas I share very little, he overshares everything. e.g I know all about the intimate details of his toilet habits and his health concerns; and sexual acts he's tried or not and how I compare...

I can deal with the latter but the health issues and toilet habits (some of which are related) are becoming too much for me. He feels that I have a right to know (as his 'partner'), I feel that as, effectively, an on/off girlfriend of a few months I don't want to know! I've told him that I don't have a right to know anything about him and tried dissuading him from telling me but he becomes quite distressed and thinks it means I don't care.

The other side of this is that he expects the same level of openness from me. Now, I'm open and honest in that I wouldn't lie or deceive, but I'm also a very private person and I don't want to talk about things. I don't want to share. But he finds that difficult to take.

The problem is that when we are in our own little bubble and there is no one else around, we get on brilliantly. We can talk about stuff. He has some langugage issues but I give him the space/time to organise and formulate his thoughts so it's not really an issue.

He is honest kind, resiliant, hardworking, compassionate... he has many qualities that I find very attractive and I hate it that his autism might be what finishes us off when I have it myself. His newest thing is that he has dropped everything that might get in the way of him seeing me. We see each other 2 or 3 times a week and around my commitments. He has dropped things so that he never has to say "no, I'm busy" to me because he'd rather see me than do anything else. And he's now spending every night he doesn't see me in the pub drinking because the alcohol makes him feel better about not seeing me and he gets bored otherwise. But this means that I'm now dating someone who is drinking heavily when I met someone who went out a 2 or 3 times a week and had 3 or so pints a time. I roughly estimated that his alcohol consumption has easily quadrupled across the week. I addressed it with him and he eventually agreed but his focus was primarily "Are you saying you don't want to be with me anymore? Do you want to end it with me?" and not the health/social/work implications of drinking that much or coming to meet me for breakfast filthy, stinking and still half cut I find it exhausting.

I have never had a successful relationship with an NT man. I always get it wrong. I also misunderstand/misread intentions. I don't trust NT people because I find the 'game playing' social dance required to be something I just can't do. I also struggle with friendships for the same reason. I don't have any close friends and am in the process of losing the small group of friends I do have because I have, apparently, misunderstood a situation or misread something but I feel like I don't know what to trust - what they are saying, or my own interpretation and I'm unable to explain it to them properly. I have issues at work for the same reasons. I seem to be likeable ("lovely") initially but then I notice people withdrawing from me rather than relationships/friendships/working partnerships growing closer. I've asked peole, watched people, reflected upon myself but I don't seem to be able to get it.

He feels like my last chance. Without him, I'd have no one. He's the only person who texts me, or wants to spend time with me; who cares about me. He feels similarly about me.

There are many excellent and lovely qualities about him. Obviously, otherwise I wouldn't still be with him. But I feel that my role as girlfriend/social support network seems to be morphing into almost a parental role and I'm finding that the need to explain everything and encourage him to take personal responsibility (and strategies for doing so) is killing of my romantic/sexual feelings for him. I feel he has become incredibly reliant/dependent on me and I'm not comfortable with this either.

I know that I've not painted a particularly rosy picture her. I also feel that it isn't really doing him any good. But I don't want to lose him either.

I don't know what to do.

Anyone

Does he make you happy though?

Your standards are absurdly low.

The first time he blocked you, that should have been the absolute end of the relationship. I am baffled as to why it wasnt.

OP from what you've described he doesn't sound very nice. It feels like he's trying to push boundaries with the toilet behaviour, I had this aspect in my abusive relationship (so I may jump to conclusions) but it doesn't sound good.
Don't put all your happiness into one person, there's other people out there and people on here who will listen and support.
Going AWOL for a week at a time is also not on and it's gonna really damage your mental health. Is anyone worth that?
Ì think he uses his difficulties as an excuse from what you've said.
Stay strong OP, follow your head and not your heart.

The first time he blocked you, that should have been the absolute end of the relationship. I am baffled as to why it wasnt.

I suppose I've put all of it down to the autism. It has improved with strategies.

And I don't have anyone else. He is literally the only person, other than my children (who don't know I am dating him) I speak to. I had hobbies and friends but those have ended (nothing to do with him). I've got no where else to go. No friends, family (other than children), support network...

I suppose part of me is worried that I will be ostracised socially, even more so than I already am. Other people see this side of him but don't feel the impact of it. But he is well liked and well regarded.

I don't think it's a deliberate pushing of boundaries. I think he genuinely sees us as being a partnership and this is him being open with me and not hiding anything.

It's not good though is it?

As for does he make me happy.

I feel I can be myself with him more than any other man I've met. He doesn't 'judge' me...

Maybe you'd be better as friends than romantically involved? It's not healthy for him to blow off everything in case he sees you and then go down the pub instead when you don't. And it sounds like the relationship is a struggle and that he'll kill your affection for him over time, but maybe you could salvage a good friendship out of it?

He judges you by talking about you behind your back.

category

It's already been agreed that if he 'reacts' inappropriately again we'd be friends only but I feel like I'm on tenterhooks waiting for it to happen because, realistically, it's just a matter of time and when the overreaction has happened, he's less rational and less easy to reason with until he's worked through it on his own.

I really feel like could do with someone on real life to talk it through with but there isn't anyone. And I can feel the people in real life we see socially and who know both of us are starting to also wonder what I'm doing with him. That or what he's doing with me because they'd not seen this side of him before me.

It's also embarrasing because his openness means that it's all played out in a very public/social arena.

Except that he would tell you he doesn't trust people and keeps himself to himself. He does until he has a meltdown and then everyone knows about it.

It's like he'll insist he's "not a drinker" (because he didn't used to be) whilst also admitting he's been to the pub everynight that he hasn't seen me for the past couple of months and has probably averaged 30-40 pints in a week...

Ugh. I need to end it don't I?

He judges you by talking about you behind your back

You're right. I was thinking more that he doesn't tell me I'm too fat/old/ugly/unfeminine or whatever like every other man I've dated

I say this as the parent of 3 ASD dc. The daughter of an autistic man & the sister of an ASD man.

Stop using autism as an excuse for his poor behaviour.

You sound amazing & your ability to manage as you do is admirable.

But he's not bringing much to your relationship, is he?

Concentrate on yourself. Work on creating & making friendships & companionship in what ever form that might take.

Take care of yourself

If he's only been diagnosed as an adult, does that mean that he's somehow been 'masking' up until now? You said he talks about his previous sex life, so he's not been totally hopeless with women, he's got a few into bed - how? If his autism is suddenly so severe that he doesn't even know when to stop talking about his toilet issues, shuts down and deletes everything when he falls out with you, how is he managing in his day to day life?

Or has every other single person found him impossible to deal with and given him the push? Because he can' t really change who he is, so has he always been like this or has an autism diagnosis given him carte blanche to behave like a pain in the arse?

You are allowed to split up with anyone you want to. Its no one elses business. Don't go into details just say it wasn't working out. You can't be expected to go out with someone who is upsetting you AD or not. He deserves the same respect and treatment as a NT person which means if you have enough of the relationship you can leave it. He is going to wreck your head. It might be his autism but thats not your fault. You sound like you have a good handle on emotions and communication so look forward to another relationship. Meantime can you join something or take up a new interest to fill your life until you can move on without him. It does sound like ye would be good friends as he could learn from you but ts possibly too soon for that. This man is not good for you. He has too many issues and you do not have to apologise for that. People break up with fantastic guys who treat them like the queen. You are allowed to break up with any guy you want and don't explain to anyone just say it wasn't working out.

Thank you Nicky. I suppose he brings the space for me to be myself.

Zaphod by all accounts his 'relationships' have been shortlived - a couple of weeks to a month. I think that either they've given him the push or he's blocked them and they've thought "fuck him then".

If we do something once it sets an immediate precident. E.g. we had a day off together a couple of months ago and spent it in a particular way. The next time we had the same day off together, he assumed we'd spend it together in the same way. I'd already made plans (I didn't know it was his day off) and he took that as a huge rejection because he doesn't deal with change. He couldn't understand what he had "done wrong" that meant I didn't want to do the same again.

He tells me that all he wants to do is make me happy. So if I ask him where he wants to go/what he wants to do, he'll just throw the question back to me. I don't let him and insist he expresses a preference because otherwise it's always "whatever you want to do. As long as you're happy. If you're happy, I'm happy". I've told him that I'm not responsible for his happiness but he just hears that as I don't care if he's happy or not. But he would literally do whatever I told him if he thought it would make me happy.

He works full time. I don't think he was masking particularly. He's not incapable on a daily basis by any means. But I think that the stress of a relationship and having to understand someone else's viewpoint and that we might have conflicting needs is very difficult for him.

I suspect he's always been the same it's just that now he understands it. Everyone says they've seen a big improvement in pretty much every aspect of him since he's known me. So I guess that makes it harder.

I did also bump into him the other day and discovered that he doesn't keep himself particularly clean anymore if he's not meeting me. I didn't realise that because he was always showered/hairwashed/in clean clothes whenever I've met him. But I think that I've become the centre of everything to the point where he doesn't consider something important if it doesn't centre me.

God it sounds awful doesn't it? All I've ever wanted was to be loved and to be someone's priorty and now I feel like "be careful what you wish for".

Thank you, June.

You are right. I like to spend time on my own and he doesn't understand that. Sometimes I like to go out and see bands and not have to try and talk to anyone and I find myself constantly reassuring him that I'm ok because I'm not talking.

Gosh, he really is opting out of responsibility for himself and putting it all on you, isn't he? Must be weighing heavy on you especially with people saying he's improved because of you.

It's too much, OP. You can't and mustn't take on this role in his life. It's become more his carer than his lover.

becoming, not become

He's an arse. You can do much better.

Gosh, he really is opting out of responsibility for himself and putting it all on you, isn't he?

That's how it feels. He says that he'd given up on meeting someone and had resigned himself to being alone forever and then he met me; that no one else understands him; that I'm "the one" (I don't do "the one" bollocks and told him so, but it doesn't change it for him, apparently). When I bumped into him and he was dirty - his response was "I'm always clean when I meet you but yeah, I haven't washed my hair." I could smell him from a reasonable distance. It was more than his hair.

Must be weighing heavy on you especially with people saying he's improved because of you.

Yes.

It's too much, OP. You can't and mustn't take on this role in his life. It's become more his carer than his lover.

I know. I have spoken to him because when we first met we were just friends and we laughed. There isn't much laughter now. It's all angst and him telling me he loves me repeatedly.

But I feel awful for saying all this.

He's an arse. You can do much better

Thing is, I really don't think he intends to be an arse on any level. And most people you met who know him would vehemently disagree with that. They wouldn't deny he's hard work, but he's incredibly loveable and people do love him.

Yeah but they don't have to be his nurse/shrink/Mammy.

And guess what, you dont either.

Thing is, I really don't think he intends to be an arse on any level But he is. For you he is. And you don't have to own that!

He can be the nicest bloke in the whole wide world but if the 2 of you are not a good mix for both of you then you do not have to stick with it.

Life is far too short to spend so much time working out how you can change yourself to make someone else happy... and that is what you are describing! You tying yourself in knots because of what might be and him just bumbling along letting you make his life easier.

Stop it!

You tying yourself in knots because of what might be and him just bumbling along letting you make his life easier.

ugh, you're right.

I'm not going to see him for a couple of days. Of course, I could see him tonight and tomorrow too... but I need to think.

I do have to work really hard at asserting my boundaries and it shouldn't have to be that hard. He had a 'health scare' over the weekend. It won't have been pleasant for him but it wasn't anything specific to worry about but he's been putting off dealing with it for as long as I've known him.

He was texting me with real time updates about what was happening and what he was doing. It did make me anxious but not because I was worried about him (it doesn't require 'worry' it requires 'action') but because I had the strong sense I was supposed to offer to go and meet him at the hospital (hospital was not necessary and I told him so) because I love him... And I didn't. I told him hospital wasn't necessary and to go to bed instead. Which he did.

These health things come up every so often. The last A&E emergency I managed to avert was when he 'developed diabetes'. Except the reality was that he hadn't eaten all day and had been doing physical work. In the afternoon he felt dizzy. His dad, who is diabetic, told him to take a blood sugar reading. It was low. His mum catastrophised "oh you've got diabetes, you're going to die" they made him eat 2 bars of chocolate - he had a sugar rush and then a crash. They were all convinced he had diabetes

"I've got diabetes, I can't believe I've got diabetes. My mum said I've got diabetes and I'm going to die. I don't want to die, why is this happening to me, I'm a good person. Why am I going to die".

I explained what was really happening. They were all for calling an ambulance to go to A&E. I told him the chocolate was ridiculous and that he should have a glass of milk and an apple, leave it a bit and take a blood sugar reading again. He did that. It was normal. I was hailed as Florence Nightingale and was told I'd saved his life.

I did it all from my living room over text so I didn't really experience the full force of it at the time, and it was quite a while ago. So whilst I was a bit it appeared to be a one off.

I'm just winding myself up now.

I'm just winding myself up now Yup! But you are seeing it from a more detached viewpoint, it seems.

All you have to do is keep asking yourself if being his life saver is what you want. Not being hi lover, best friend, soul mate, best fuck ever... but the woman who can save his life or fix him!

I'd find that tiresome, a heavy weight to bear. I doubt it would be fun or fulfilling. How do you feel about it?