Ugh, I feel awful for saying this but I need to put it somewhere and I have nowhere/no one else. As I start, I'm not even sure where I'm going with it really.
My boyfriend of 8 months is autistic. It's caused a few issues - we've yet to go more than 6 weeks without him ending it and going AWOL for a week or so. I can handle the shut downs. But I find the catastrophising and 'dumping' more difficult and the fact he'll offload to anyone who'll listen which I know has affected people's opinion of me.
It's compounded by the fact that I also have AS/HFA so have my own issues. I find that I get 'stuck' when I know these things are happening; it affects my sleep; I can't eat; I withdraw; I get overwhelmed with the injustice of it all! It affects my concentration at work and even my ability to speak sometimes.
I feel slightly irked that I have had to do an awful lot of work on my own to improve my emotional reactions to things. And "I know, I am silly but I didn't understand!" with a smile is beginning to wear really thin, if I'm honest. It's hard because I want to shout at him and say "well fucking talk to me then if you don't understand rather than dumping me, deleting your email account, blocking me on your phone". Although, in reality, I know that he is so overwhelmed by his emotion that all he can think of is how to stop it (dumping/blocking/deleting) and that he thinks he has understood until he's processed it fully a week or so later.
This has improved hugely recently so I feel I ought to balance this all with an acknowledgement that a) he was diagnosed as an adult b) he has not had any involvement with adult autism support services so has just been muddling through on his own and finding his own way to deal with things c) he is obviously working at it now, with my support.
The problem for me is that it's at the point at which he is beginning to take control of it and to manage it appropriately is also the point at which I find my ability to 'tolerate' it is waning. I'm a bit worried that he will reach a point where it's managed/manageable and that's the point at which I'll end it. The impulse to end it, walk away and 'burn bridges' is overwhelming at times.
One of the things I love about him is that he is honest and open and I can trust him. And he is. I have no doubt about that. The problem is that this means there is no filter at all. Whereas I share very little, he overshares everything. e.g I know all about the intimate details of his toilet habits and his health concerns; and sexual acts he's tried or not and how I compare...
I can deal with the latter but the health issues and toilet habits (some of which are related) are becoming too much for me. He feels that I have a right to know (as his 'partner'), I feel that as, effectively, an on/off girlfriend of a few months I don't want to know! I've told him that I don't have a right to know anything about him and tried dissuading him from telling me but he becomes quite distressed and thinks it means I don't care.
The other side of this is that he expects the same level of openness from me. Now, I'm open and honest in that I wouldn't lie or deceive, but I'm also a very private person and I don't want to talk about things. I don't want to share. But he finds that difficult to take.
The problem is that when we are in our own little bubble and there is no one else around, we get on brilliantly. We can talk about stuff. He has some langugage issues but I give him the space/time to organise and formulate his thoughts so it's not really an issue.
He is honest kind, resiliant, hardworking, compassionate... he has many qualities that I find very attractive and I hate it that his autism might be what finishes us off when I have it myself. His newest thing is that he has dropped everything that might get in the way of him seeing me. We see each other 2 or 3 times a week and around my commitments. He has dropped things so that he never has to say "no, I'm busy" to me because he'd rather see me than do anything else. And he's now spending every night he doesn't see me in the pub drinking because the alcohol makes him feel better about not seeing me and he gets bored otherwise. But this means that I'm now dating someone who is drinking heavily when I met someone who went out a 2 or 3 times a week and had 3 or so pints a time. I roughly estimated that his alcohol consumption has easily quadrupled across the week. I addressed it with him and he eventually agreed but his focus was primarily "Are you saying you don't want to be with me anymore? Do you want to end it with me?" and not the health/social/work implications of drinking that much or coming to meet me for breakfast filthy, stinking and still half cut I find it exhausting.
I have never had a successful relationship with an NT man. I always get it wrong. I also misunderstand/misread intentions. I don't trust NT people because I find the 'game playing' social dance required to be something I just can't do. I also struggle with friendships for the same reason. I don't have any close friends and am in the process of losing the small group of friends I do have because I have, apparently, misunderstood a situation or misread something but I feel like I don't know what to trust - what they are saying, or my own interpretation and I'm unable to explain it to them properly. I have issues at work for the same reasons. I seem to be likeable ("lovely") initially but then I notice people withdrawing from me rather than relationships/friendships/working partnerships growing closer. I've asked peole, watched people, reflected upon myself but I don't seem to be able to get it.
He feels like my last chance. Without him, I'd have no one. He's the only person who texts me, or wants to spend time with me; who cares about me. He feels similarly about me.
There are many excellent and lovely qualities about him. Obviously, otherwise I wouldn't still be with him. But I feel that my role as girlfriend/social support network seems to be morphing into almost a parental role and I'm finding that the need to explain everything and encourage him to take personal responsibility (and strategies for doing so) is killing of my romantic/sexual feelings for him. I feel he has become incredibly reliant/dependent on me and I'm not comfortable with this either.
I know that I've not painted a particularly rosy picture her. I also feel that it isn't really doing him any good. But I don't want to lose him either.
I don't know what to do.