Is this abusive?

[ObviousNameChanged]

If ones DH said:

He was resentful of your new career success after being a SAHM...
Was jealous of your friends...
Frustrated that you had started to enjoy a little bit more social time as your kids had got older...
Annoyed that you had a new hobby...

Would you think it abusive in any way?

If he had outwardly pretended to be supportive before admitting all the above, how would you feel?

@JeanLouiseAKAScout , good luck. You can do it.

NO!!!!!!
What you don't deserve is to abused and treated badly and resented by the person who is supposed to love and support you.
Please do all you can to get on the Freedom Programme.
Talk to women's aid and find a specialist counsellor in your area.
This is HIM.
All HIM.
You have done nothing wrong.
You are taking back control of your life.
It's gonna be scary.
But you got this.

You are not the worst person in the world. We all deserve happiness and have the right to take steps to be happy. Good luck, stay strong.

Thank you for all the support. I means a great deal because I don't know how I'm going to ever get over this

Well progress has been made. He's organised house viewings, and budgets and being entirely reasonable. He clearly can't wait to go. I am devastated at the loss of the man i used to have and I will never trust another man in my life again 😢

I expect he's decided that since you aren't prepared to go back into your box the next best thing is to separate quickly so he can get on with finding another victim. (That he is on Tinder already - again? - backs up this theory.) Or there's a small chance he's pretending to be keen to split because he knows it will make you feel... exactly how you are feeling right now. Then, the idea is, you will panic and ask him back, with a bonus of giving up your job, chaining yourself to the kitchen sink and handing him the key.

It doesn't really matter why he's doing it, though. The bottom line is you had to leave because he treated you like crap, and you and the DC will be better off without all that. It will be a hard slog at first, but the end result will be worth it, I promise. Been there, done that, surviving.

The reasonableness and kindness, he's doing this on purpose isn't he?

Yes, doing it on purpose.

Is it normal to feel sad that he's made zero effort to fight for me?

It is a big step for you.

I think you are just sad for the loss of the man that you think you USED to have.
You have done so well . He has shown his true colours.

Shampaincharly I think that's absolutely spot on. It's like someone has died. I'll be ok though, my friends are excellent support, and my mum too. Got a job interview on Thursday too for a job that will mean I'm really comfortable with finances too. Going to spend my bank holiday prepping for that instead of feeling sad.

Thank you very much for responding to me, it means a great deal

Jeanlouise name change failed? If u r OP-u imo I will be more of a failure if u stay. I can't leave due to finances but althou going to take ages am hoping to. Didn't see yr original thread but from this one alone he sounds controlling + manipulative. Know exactly where yr coming from. It's shit-go out there and find your true self again. Glad u have 2 good strong friends to support you. I wish u the very best from the bottom of my heart
.

Just read yr latest posts-he is prob acting reasonable cos he doesn't want to look bad infront of other people if he's anything like mine. Don't forget he's not really like this and that's what u were taken in by in the first place. He won't change. If he meets someone else then you will be upset but never forget that eventually she will also end up being treated like you even if u don't get to hear about it. You deserve so much better.

So the latest is that he is moving out this weekend, after a lots of happy packing and guitar playing and over parenting. I am coping and getting through the days. Tonight he said 'I still want us to get back together' and I just felt a stab of panic. I'm never ever going to be free am I

Why won't you ever be free? Do u mean cos he won't let y go? Or because u won't let him go from you mentally? If he does go this wkend like he says then just let him. Take one day at a time. It's shit when you split up even when u kno its for the best. Take one day at a time. Don't let him back -the minute u do u will regret it. It's in yr hands. Get yr life back. I wish I was in a position to be without my oh. Grab the chance with both hands girl! Take care.

I think I feel like he will always get to manipulate my emotions via my children

He snapped at me this morning and then wouldn't speak and crashed about the place over parenting. The scariest thing is that my overriding urge is to text and appease him, even now

He's gone. I'm trying to be so strong but I'm so full of anger towards him for everything he ruined. I loved him and our family so deeply I left no to cope. And now I live in a house full of ghosts of what used to be. I can't stop crying, just from anger and sadness and grief. It doesn't feel like a proper family now. Just fragments of something that once was lovely.

I wouldn't say it's abusive, but he is clearly feeling inadequate and insecure. Your life is moving on, while his is stagnant. He feels threatened. I'm not saying it's right - especially when he had been disingenuous before - but abuse it's not.

I miss the man I used to have so much. My heart is breaking today.

Please please stay strong on this op - it will get better.

He's not the man u used to have though is he? He is now the man that has caused you to be unhappy. Ask yrself if u would want him if u met him now and he treated u the way he has been? Don't think of all the good times in a fluffy cloud -think of all the shit things he said and did. It will get better eventually. Sit tight and stay strong. You have the dcs. You have a couple of good friends.Thats like gold. It's the start of a better and brighter era.

I second the recommendation to get yourself a place on the Freedom Programme. It will really help you get through this and be able to build a future.

The man who enticed you into the relationship never existed. It was just phase one of getting control over you.

Reach out for support here, from women's aid, from FP... From people who understand abuse and can help you stay strong.

You can and will get through this and be better off for it. I found the first day unimaginably awful, and the first three months the hardest. But I'm nearly three years free now and my life is unrecognisably better.

One of the things that helped me keep going every time I wobbled was to remind myself of the long term and how much worse I would feel if I was still living in that situation in another year or five years etc.

Be clear. He's not really upset. However, pretending to be distraught and unable to cope without you is straight out of the abuser's handbook. If you can't get on the FP, looking through a copy of Living with the Dominator will help you navigate and identify his games. (It's a short, easy read). It will also help you spot danger signs to give you confidence in the future.

Take care. You will get through this and there will be better times ahead for you.

And seriously, why do people who clearly have no knowledge of the dynamics or complexity of abuse insist on derailing threads by women in abusive situations with rubbish about it not being abuse? If you don't know what you're talking about, don't comment. Everything in the op should have raised immediate concerns of coercive control.

Abuse isn't about one off incidents of physical violence, lost tempers, and constant blatant abuse without a moment of calm or seemingly loving behaviour. It's so much more complex and often subtle than that. Otherwise nobody would get caught in the clutches of abusers.

Please ignore the unhelpful comments from people popping in at random to tell you it's not abuse. IT CATEGORICALLY IS.

@LB2203 thank you for your contribution. As I am sure you know yourself, it helps to have your experience validated - at the moment my family don't really see what's happened, despite the clear effects on my physical health. As ridiculous as it sounds, a punch in the face would've been more straightforward. It's like the 'accepted' type of abuse, if that makes sense. Emotional abuse and control are so hard to explain, its almost like it gets written off at 'oh that's just men'. I know it's not all men and I know it's not right. I think I felt so low because I wanted my family to all day no, this isn't right and we support you. My mum is firmly on that page but my brother came around yesterday and said he gives it six months before we are back together and it's not unfixable. That's not what I need to hear when I'm grieving so badly. I'm definitely going to look at the freedom programme though, I think it will clarify my thoughts and make me a much stronger person not only with men but with my family interfering.

Today feels a little brighter. I was tempted to call in sick but another day under the duvet helps nobody. Got the kids ready and did all that stuff. I have a heap of washing up up go home to but nobody will die of that.