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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this abusive?

83 replies

ObviousNameChanged · 07/04/2018 20:45

If ones DH said:

He was resentful of your new career success after being a SAHM...
Was jealous of your friends...
Frustrated that you had started to enjoy a little bit more social time as your kids had got older...
Annoyed that you had a new hobby...

Would you think it abusive in any way?

If he had outwardly pretended to be supportive before admitting all the above, how would you feel?

OP posts:
huginamugwankinapacket · 08/04/2018 10:53

I really feel for you. I hope you can get away.

Not the same but at 15 I walked away from my abusive dad (single parent) and put myself into care and have never looked back since. I had to do a lot of work to recover and Im 29 now and theres still some damage but imagine what there’d be now if I hadn’t done it?!

It was hard but the best thing I’ve ever done.

Original poster
ObviousNameChanged · 30/04/2018 21:08

We're a few weeks down and I know he's on best behaviour.

I need your stories and support. I have a solicitors app booked for two weeks today. He's already been caught out lying to me again....

OP posts:
Original poster
ObviousNameChanged · 03/05/2018 15:14

I'm so low.
Had to go on FB to sell some tickets and I see so members of my family are liking and commenting on his posts, it's all the pics of him with the kids etc. I guess it's no wonder I can't find the strength to end it. Like all manipulative people, he's got everyone on his side and I have nobody 😭

OP posts:
Adora10 · 03/05/2018 17:16

Sorry to hear that OP, your previous thread says deleted so I don't know the background.

I'd urge you to press on and get away though just based on this post, he sounds horrible, jealous, controlling and spiteful, not really someone you want to share your life with; you may find your mental health improves massively, don't let him continue to destroy you and don't give a shit about his so called supporters, they have no idea.

Where is your family and friends, they can be a tremendous help and support in times like this.

Original poster
ObviousNameChanged · 03/05/2018 17:59

I deleted the threads because i relented into trying again. Two days later I found he had downloaded tinder and denied it. I saw it with my own eyes and he kept denying it. I asked why he had lied, despite it being clear. And he said 'you can't expect me to change overnight'

I'm so sad but he's not going to change is he...

OP posts:
Adora10 · 03/05/2018 18:00

Get angry rather than sad, he's a sad bastard and you can do a zillion times better, remind yourself of this every day from now on.

Original poster
ObviousNameChanged · 05/05/2018 10:15

Latest.... I went to my friends last night for a few drinks. Silent treatment this morning....

How can I actually end this? I can't cope any longer....

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 05/05/2018 10:21

Which is why you have to end it before it makes you ill. Ducks in a row...

NotTheFordType · 05/05/2018 13:19

Op I didn't see your previous thread but from what you have said on this one, it's clear that the relationship isn't working for you and by extension, your children.

Would it help to make a list of your specific fears around leaving? That way, we could help by sharing our experiences of over coming the same fears and problems.

Original poster
ObviousNameChanged · 05/05/2018 14:25

Thank you for responding.... I will do that.

Firstly I am scared of being seen as a failure

I'm scared he will be so upset and cry and beg me

I'm scared people will side with him (he's mr nice guy on the outside, to the world)

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 07/05/2018 22:55

Sorry for the Late reply. Busy weekend :)

Who do you think would view you As a failure? Do you have any friends who have divorced who you think of as failures?

Original poster
ObviousNameChanged · 08/05/2018 08:33

My two closest friends are both divorced and are successful, professional women with their own homes. They are exceptionally supportive of this relationship ending.

OP posts:
JeanLouiseAKAScout · 14/05/2018 16:06

I have seen a solicitor today. She has explained everything to me. I feel so overwhelmed... she also said I need to get away. I'm so frightened...

mmmccccccxxx · 14/05/2018 18:39

If your solicitor suggested you need to
Move I'd be moving x

JeanLouiseAKAScout · 14/05/2018 23:30

After another evening sat in my bedroom, I've made a decision. Tomorrow I am going to book viewings on some rental properties, and I'm going to tell him it's over. Tomorrow is going to be day 1. I'm no longer on eggshells and no longer living in my bedroom.

SpringtimeSun · 14/05/2018 23:36

I think your name change might have failed but I wanted you wish you good luck. You can absolutely do this. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of him or you, you KNOW this is the best thing for you and your kids.

JeanLouiseAKAScout · 17/05/2018 14:45

I am going to view a house tomorrow! Grin

hellsbellsmelons · 17/05/2018 15:49

Yeah - so pleased.
I hope the house is suitable and if not then just keep looking.
You will get out.
You are ready now.
I wouldn't tell him until you are actually moving!

squishy · 17/05/2018 16:05

You can do it; I had got to the stage where I was a shadow of my former self. I went to counselling; found the words (took a while) and made a plan. Then I told him. He didn't cry (to start with) or beg (ever, or even try to get me to change my mind - will never know if that's because I planned my words so carefully or because he actually wanted out but didn't have the courage) but he did get angry. And he left. And my life has been SO much better since. My friends have been rocks. You have got this and you won't regret it!

JeanLouiseAKAScout · 21/05/2018 23:00

I have just told him I want to separate. He is devastated.

JeanLouiseAKAScout · 22/05/2018 07:07

I feel absolutely awful today. I have slept for two hours and I am dying of guilt. My head won't stop thinking of the happier earlier times of our relationship before he resented me so deeply, and I miss that man so much. And now I have to contemplate how I even begin to tell these beautiful children Sad
I am really am the worst possible person in the world... I don't deserve anything

mellongoose · 22/05/2018 07:17

@JeanLouiseAKAScout it's ok to grieve for the lovely man you've lost. But he is not the man you've been describing on here.

Focus on recent events. Focus on your better life ahead with your DC. This is the rubbish bit but it will get better. Well done 👍 you're being brave for your sanity and for a better life.

Costacoffeeplease · 22/05/2018 07:27

Surely he’s not surprised though? I didn’t see your previous thread, but just from what I’ve seen on this one

JeanLouiseAKAScout · 22/05/2018 07:29

I don't think he's surprised because he said he's already looked into buying me out of the house

thethoughtfox · 22/05/2018 07:32

It's not abuse but he doesn't like you or is very insecure and is worried that you will leave him or have higher standards now you have options. That is a very worrying thing for him to admit. Watch out for him sabotaging your life.

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