How hard have you worked to save a relationship?

[Askingforadvice300]

I've been with my husband for 15 years and married for 5 years. We're 30. I have had 6 months of counselling and anti depressants because I had a period of severe depression last year. Counselling has made me learn a huge amount about myself, including my need for perfectionism and getting things right. I am not happy with him because I feel like he is my brother and my friend, rather than a husband. He is a lovely person but I'm not excited when I think about our future. I felt I was not allowed to be unhappy with him which led to my illness I think.

I meant every word of my vows when I said them 5 years ago, but it is only now I realise how young I was, and that I feel trapped and unhappy. I realise also that this is a common phenomenon.

I am exhausted from 6 months of trying to change my mind set, of agonising over the pain and betrayal of breaking a promise. I have lots of friends, hobbies, a good job etc so I am fulfilled in other areas.

I don't know how to make a decision about what is best for both of us. I never thought I would get divorced, but the thought of 50 more years of this makes me feel like I am denying myself the opportunity to be the person I want to be.

How hard have you worked? Was it worth it?

If I'm honest, I think that when you need to 'work' at a relationship then it's already over. Being in a relationship, platonic or otherwise, should be fun and enjoyable...you want to actively spend time with that person. When maintaining that relationship become a chore and impacts wellbeing then it's time to walk away...just my opinion x

I am exhausted from 6 months of trying to change my mind set, of agonising over the pain and betrayal of breaking a promise.

I suffered years of anxiety trying to do the same OP, because I felt guilty at not loving someone who was lovely. It didn't work. It was the right decision for me to end the relationship and I think it is for you. Just because you've spent 15 years together doesn't mean you have to stay for another 50. You've loved each other. Now it's time to move on.

I disagree that a relationship is essentially over if you need to work at it. Lots of relationships hit rough spots and it does take work to get through them and to a happier place.

I'm glad counselling has been so effective for you, would you consider joint counselling with your dh? Perhaps you could explore ways to reconnect? I know a married couple that lived a platonic, none romantic relationship for many years and then she got sick and it triggered something in them both where they fell in love with each other anew. It's always given me hope that old feelings can be rekindled.

We are starting couples counselling next week.

I am torn between keeping my vows and not making myself ill in an unfulfilled marriage.

Rough spots are normal and can be worked through. Other things are more serious and lead to the relationship breaking up. Only the two of you can decide which is which.

FWIW I worked on my marriage for 6.5 years. It didn't work and we are now divorcing. But in my case there was alcoholism involved, so that's quite a singular scenario. I don't regret giving it my all to save my relationship, though with hindsight I should probably have called it quits two years earlier. But I can now move on and hand on heart say that I gave it everything, and move on with minimal guilt.

While I would not set aside vows lightly, if it is hard work, and you do not already have DC to consider, I think I would cut my losses. And think, if there were children involved, seeing parents admit they have ma a mistake and do what is required to clean it up, is loads better than suffering for ever.

I felt like you this time last year. We went for couples counselling and although it hasn't been easy we are coming out the other side. I am happier and see a future for us that I couldn't see before.

No dc yet

It's good you are going to counseling. It might help. You need to the root of why you are so unhappy in the marriage with your husband. To be honest, 5 years is not very long. You should still be in the honeymoon phase.

You need to find out what your husband is or is not doing in the marriage to make your unhappy. You also need to find out what you are doing or not doing in the marriage to be so unhappy.

Marriage is two people. In my view, both parties are responsible for making it happy .

I also don't agree with the previous poster that no effort should be required to make it happy. Things don't just magically happen on their own. Even if you were to nurture a friendship with your best friend. You still need to work on it. Call them to go out. Listen to them when they need to talk. Show them you are a best friend and they mean more to you than casual friends.

Your marriage to your spouse deserves the same sort of effort and respect from you and vice versa.

Good luck.

Sounds to me like you simply don’t want to be in this relationship but it fills you with guilt to leave
look up F. O.G
fear, obligation, guilt
There is a difference between staying through a rough patch and not being able to leave something that makes you desperately unhappy

It's true that I do want to leave at the moment but isn't that what commitment is? Sticking it out?

I do feel fear guilt and obligation but this is not dhs fault - he is kind, good and supportive.

Relationships shouldn't be hard work. I can understand people trying for their dcs sake but you don't even have that motivator.
Get out of your comfort zone and find something that enhances your life rather than takes away from it.

You are a very different person at 30 to the person you were at 15. You grow up and change. Most relationships wouldn't last in your situation. It's unlikely that people grow up and change together in the same way at the same time.

I know, but I didn't think that 25 was too young to marry, it's certainly not amongst my peers.

I believe in the sanctity of marriage but I also believe I owe to myself to find hapiness

Relationships aren’t all fun and games, that is absolute bullshit. Mostly because life isn’t fun and games. Life needs work therefore it’s understandable relationships do too. Over the course of fifteen years (since you were 15!) you have both changed so, so much and I am sure you have both gone through some pain, stress and emotional turmoil along the way. It’s completely unrealistic to suggest a relationship that is over a decade long wouldn’t require some effort to keep it ticking. People are creatures of habit, you get stuck in routines and it’s very easy to occasionally fancy a break from that. It’s a ‘grass is always greener’ type moment though... you could leave and find life is amazing without him but equally you could leave and miss him like crazy and realise no one else offers you what he always has.

I was married for three years and with my exh for nine (from the age of 16). I really didn’t want to be with him anymore and I just knew it intrinsically. I didn’t want to be intimate with him, I didn’t find him attractive anymore, I resented spending time with him and I just did not want him around. I don’t regret leaving him, it was the best decision and I am so, so relieved I didn’t waste another 10+ years on him. If you feel anything like that about your DH then by all means, leave. But if you still love him and want it to work then yes, you both need to put some effort into it.

Putting in effort yes, to reap the benefits but that is different to hard work in my book. Hard work to me, reads as a lot of effort for little reward.

"relationships take work" is bullshit that women are taught to encourage them to compromise themselves in service of taking care of men.

It used to be useful bullshit, back when women had trouble maintaining a livelihood without a family to support them either practically or financially.

It's no longer useful. The caveat to that is if you are extremely poor and would starve without a partner.

Relationships can be easy. They can simply work like clockwork without any interventions or crises or bouts of therapy. Because the partners are compatible and the circumstances work and the timing is right and the goals are shared - all that.

It's not meant to be something you have to talk yourself into.

Folk who say otherwise typically are motivated by the need to justify their own decisions. They want you to behave like them, because they don't want to realize they may have poured out years of their lives trying to create happiness and peace where none could exist.

You're young. So is he. Set him free now, while he still has plenty of time and resilience left. He will hate you for it at first, but it's the right and fair thing to do for both him and you. On the off chance it was somehow meant to be - then nothing in heaven or Earth will keep you apart and you'll come back together at some point.

Take heart. Have courage. Everything breaks, nothing is permanent and life continues regardless.

Totally disagree that relationships shouldn’t take work. They do, and they take work from both parties. Your husband needs to also be up for working on it; if he’s not, that’s a clear sign to leave. I don’t think it’s conceivable that you can take two people and expect them to fit their lives together, including all the drudgery and boredom that can come with everyday living, without taking some effort and compromise - but again, from both people (so often seems to be only one person who is trying and so often, it is the woman.)

Having said that, I do think that you know in your gut. My husband and I are from totally different cultures (Korean/Scottish) so we knew from the start that it would take effort because EVERYTHING about our cultures is different. But both of us compromise, put in the effort, make allowances for each other, and it is the happiest, most fulfilling and easiest relationship I’ve ever had. Even though it’s work, it’s easy work if that makes sense. Because I know he appreciates it, and I appreciate what he does too. And it has helped me grow as a person and become more open minded and less self-centred.

But for me, it’s worth it. For you, if he’s not making the effort, or even if he is but it’s just not right in your heart, then I don’t think there’s anything wrong with cutting your losses. Relationships end and life goes on. I love my husband but if we split up, I know I’d be able to be happy again. Tht’s how life works.

But thisis if that is "easy work" then it's not hard work

Effort is putting in time and doing things to make the other person happy and its necessary from both parties to keep a relationship on track but like you say - it shouldn't be hard work, where there is little reward to show for the effort and it's not satisfying.

To continue
It should be easy to do and the effort should be worth it and enjoyable.

Sorry you feel like this, I was the only one of my peers not married mid twenties, that was because my long term relationship broke down and I found i was the only one single 😟 ten years on all my friends, bar one couple, had divorced. Some look back and realise it was the right thing, others have had periods of doubt and regret. I have been married 6 years, we are def not in honeymoon phase as we have been together 20 yrs. We have had times of great joy, but we have both had times where we weren't great, for me depression caused stress. It took effort and work to get through those times, there were periods when I couldn't see us surviving as a couple but I also accept that he is not responsible for my happiness / unhappiness. For me I look that my dh is a someone who makes me laugh and is happy for me to just be and allows be pursue the things which do make me happy x

snews what I mean is that it’s effort but it’s effort I’m glad to expend, even if I don’t always find it easy.

eg I have a sharp tongue. In Korea, it’s not really normal to make snippy comments and the focus is on keeping the peace. It’s really hard for me to find a more pleasant way of saying things and I have to bite my tongue a lot. But in the end it’s becoming easier for me and I can see the benefits. Also because in any culture, no one needs someone making bitchy comments at them, so it has made me a better person all round.

I can relate to this a lot right now OP. We're supposed to be planning to have children. So much has happened over the last 2yrs of our 6yr relationship that I now feel exhausted from putting the work in. DH has depression but refuses to get it dealt with. Causing tension for most of my time at home. I struggle to help him now & feel like I don't want to help anymore. I feel like giving up.

Just leave.

All this talk of vows and sanctity of promise? Are you v religious op? Or are you seriously considering ruining your entire life to punish yourself for mistakes you made when you were a very young woman.

coconutgal i wouldn't plan a family with this man unless things improve. My relationship was much better pre children and I wouldn't be without them but they have definitely put a strain on things. If you start off in a bad place, I think you will find yourself as a single parent, in which case you will be tied to this man forever !