How hard have you worked to save a relationship?

[Askingforadvice300]

I've been with my husband for 15 years and married for 5 years. We're 30. I have had 6 months of counselling and anti depressants because I had a period of severe depression last year. Counselling has made me learn a huge amount about myself, including my need for perfectionism and getting things right. I am not happy with him because I feel like he is my brother and my friend, rather than a husband. He is a lovely person but I'm not excited when I think about our future. I felt I was not allowed to be unhappy with him which led to my illness I think.

I meant every word of my vows when I said them 5 years ago, but it is only now I realise how young I was, and that I feel trapped and unhappy. I realise also that this is a common phenomenon.

I am exhausted from 6 months of trying to change my mind set, of agonising over the pain and betrayal of breaking a promise. I have lots of friends, hobbies, a good job etc so I am fulfilled in other areas.

I don't know how to make a decision about what is best for both of us. I never thought I would get divorced, but the thought of 50 more years of this makes me feel like I am denying myself the opportunity to be the person I want to be.

How hard have you worked? Was it worth it?

Op there is a third option.

Agree to take a break but dont fully end things. Take time to focus on yourself and the experience of being without dh and decide.

Your dh has feelings too and a role in why things have come to this point, you never know once apart he might find he is happier alone and wants out too and then their will be less guilt because you will both find it is the right thing to do i.e a full divorce.

Or as in my case after a 2yr seperation we found there was something worth saving and decided to work on that.

I totally disagree with posters who say relationships dont take work they do. Over time people can become complacent, get caught up in routine take each other for granted and things get stale. Equally their can be a series of traumatic events that are not fully delt with and they fester.

To me the vows ment a lot also, its a promise to work through such ups and downs.

However if once you have worked through them and there is no choice of ups then leave. That is why divorce exists and why people can and do remarry.

DH and I had an absolutely awful first year of marriage. We'd been together nearly 5 years by then. People said to me oh it's easier to run now when no DC involved. The difference is, we both wanted it to work and felt like it was what we wanted. That kept us going. In a way, having no DC helped, because it meant there was no panic about how either of us or DC would cope without the other, it was more black and white. Can you see progress? It was hard but generally time helped for us. I couldn't imagine ever being happy but I can honestly say that I am now (albeit slightly tentatively!).

Pretty much all my relationships take work and, sometimes, hard work. Everything from working with my husband to figure out how to parent a difficult toddler together without conflict to forcing myself to go out for drinks with friends when I'm exhausted and would rather go to sleep to dealing with my sister's chronic depression and addiction. The point for me is that, over time, I get out more than I put in; my work is rewarded.

When I had depression, dh and I both had to work very hard at our relationship and give each other lots of space. There were times when either one of us might have chosen to end things but I was very aware that my depression was warping my emotions and feelings not just for dh but for other people too. When I was depressed, the relationships I was drawn to were amy least meaningful ones as they took the least effort. I was also unfairly angry at the people closest to me for not being able to save me from my depression but loved new friends who were able to distract me for 10 minutes.

This is just one perspective but, for me, making a huge decision while I was depressed would have been a huge mistake. It would have been the illness making the decision, not me. Now I have recovered, dh and I are closer, happier and stronger than ever.

Thank you all for your thoughts.

I am staying with my parents for the week to get some space and hopefully jolt myself into missing him and our relationship.

The thing is, although he has agreed to work on things, and I have been working for the last 6 months, I have this feeling that I just don’t want to. He is kind, honest, trustworthy, but I don’t want to.

And I don’t know how to switch that feeling off.

Its ok to have those feelings. Please don't live in an unhappy marriage for the next 40 years, out of obligation. No one will thank you for it.

hopefully jolt myself into missing him and our relationship

This sounds like you're internally screaming to end it - but are trying to force yourself into staying together. Please listen to your instincts, OP.

Listen to that feeling of not wanting to. You don't have to.

I hear what you're saying OP. For me, ending my marriage was the hardest thing I've ever done. Breaking that promise seemed like a massive deal.

I read a couple of things on here that really helped. One is that you don't need his permission to leave. The second is that people get divorced every day, it is a normal thing to happen, the world keeps on turning.

I am not into self help books, but Feel the Fear and do it Anyway really helped.

I don't understand what you are working on.

He is a good man. Your feelings towards him are like those you would feel for a brother or friend. You dread the idea of spending 50 years in a loveless marriage.

It sounds like you are working on stuffing down your feelings and working on pretending to be happy when you are not.

Maybe think of it differently. Poor bloke deserves to have a marriage where he is loved and wanted. He has time to find that. With someone else. Don't deny him that just because you find it hard to admit you need to end the marriage. That would be very deeply selfish of you.

Counselling can be used to help you both realise a separation is best all round.

And I don’t know how to switch that feeling off.

Why do you want to? You feel what you feel. It's not your fault that your love for him has changed.

prize says it so much better than i could.

there is nothing “sacred” about being married that makes a relationship any more meaningful than two people who arent married. so you shouldn’t have to be miserable, and fight, cry, be stressed, be on antidepressants and go through therapy
just because “you’re married though!”. divorces exist.

you literally dont get this time back, you dont get to be alive again. you should think wisely about how you want to spend your life.

I am unmarried with a child but otherwise I am in a similar position to you op. He is more like a brother/friend and I love him in that way, but I also have that feeling of not wanting to work on things. I think it's hard to leave someone when they haven't done something wrong. It makes sense to say I'm leaving because he cheated on me or did something bad, but when you don't have that and you still care deeply for and respect the other person, I think it makes it hard to justify to yourself why you want to end it. And also, in the back of my head, I worry that I will regret my decision if I do leave.

I don't think having to work on a relationship means that it is over, but I think if you lack the motivation to even put the work in, then maybe you need to accept that he isn't the right man for you (and I need to accept the same for myself). As a pp said, it also is unfair on him, he deserves to be in a relationship with someone who truly wants to be in a relationship with him.

I think it's hard to leave someone when they haven't done something wrong

It is, it really is.

But if you don't love them like you want to, and this has been going on for some time, then it can be the right thing to do, for them, and for you.

Thank you again for all your replies, they are so useful to see other ways of approaching the situation.

There are certainly things I don’t like about our relationship now but I don’t know whether I give him a chance to work on them together or if that’s unfair if I have this gut feeling to go. It’s been 6 months of depression, but only 3 where I realised my relationship was a key factor. I don’t know how long I work on it for.

If I wasn’t married I would probably leave. But I am, so I don’t know what to do next.

Observe for a couple of months? Don't work on anything. Just be normally nice to him. Observe how you feel.

I am not happy with him because I feel like he is my brother and my friend, rather than a husband

Unless you're happy to fake chemistry/sexual attraction and are willing to force yourself to have sex with him then i'm afraid your marriage is over.
You've been together since you were 15 years old, you shouldn't feel obligated to hang onto the romantic idealism of 'forever' and go through the motions.

You're either in love with him or you're not.

And I don’t know how to switch that feeling off.

I don't think it's possible to switch feelings on and off just like that. You have known him since you were 15 and have been married to him to 5 years? You must have feelings for someone you are married to and known since 15 yrs old.

Try to think about the good stuff he does and the good things in your he does for you in your marriage.

I do have feelings for him. I love him deeply and he is a wonderful, wonderful man. But something isn’t right.

Stop trying to find ways to pretend you want to be married. That way lies unhappiness for you both.

The sooner you can accept reality the sooner you and he can move on to a new and happier normal, admittedly through a painful stage.

you can love someone due to shared history etc without being in love with them.
Maybe that's where you are.
For me that wouldn't be enough to remain in the marriage - not at your age.

I know you’re right. I just don’t know how I am going to live with myself inflicting so much pain on him, and betraying his trust. He has done nothing but love me and trust me. I will be ruining his life. I have a large social circle but he does not.

I know deep down what I need to do, but I think I’m still in shock from this realisation.

Thank you so much for your support. I don’t deserve it, and I keep thinking what the response would be if dh posted about me!

you both need to want to be married and married to each other in order for a marraige to work. if you really feel the way you do, you need to explore if these feelings are temporary state of mind and are being fuled by something else going on in your life or if they are really indeed real. if the feelings are really real, you will need to sit down and discuss it with him and figure out thats the best thing for both of you.

don't worry about social circles, pain or betraying trust. its temporary and its normal, and ultimately people get over it and move on in life. just make sure you really explore and get to the bottom of what you are feeling. don't let it happen where you blow away the relationship and marriage and he moves on, and you spend forever kicking yourself for blowing up your own marriage because of something you were going through temporarily.

Op you do deserve the support, you’ve been together since you were 15. You’ve given it a bloody good go but sometimes things just end, feelings change and that’s okay. You’re not a bad person.

Its better now whilst you’re both still young and don’t have DC. You’ll both be fine, and probably look back and realise it was all for the best.

DH have been together 15 years, married for 10. I was 23 when we got married. Our marriage is easy, yes we put the effort in but it’s not hard work and he feels like home to me. That’s how it should be, not trying to jolt yourself into missing someone.

I spent six years with the wrong person and deep down I knew it from the first year. But on paper he seemed great. I convinced myself that there was something wrong with me, that the wow love feeling / fancying someone was for other people and not something I was capable of. He wanted to get married and every time I bought up leaving he’d get so upset and make me feel like I was crazy as we were great.

I remember lying next to him in bed one night and feeling like I was suffocating. I felt so guilty.

If I knew he’d find someone else just months after breaking up, I would have felt less guilty and ended it much sooner. Not leaving sooner is up there in the top 5 regrets in life I have (so far!)

Sorry for rambling. But just wanted you to know you are not alone. And it may feel like the other party will break into a million pieces if you leave, but they move on and with someone else who makes them happier because they want to be with them.

Please don’t sacrifice your mental health for a relationship. It isn’t good for you or him. By all means go to relationship counselling but if nothing changes you are going to have to listen to that voice that’s telling you it’s wrong.