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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He’s using me isn’t he?

185 replies

BadApple1 · 07/04/2018 11:07

I met someone on OLD three months ago and I am having serious doubts about how genuine he is. He has been very keen from the get go, showering me with compliments and always wanting to make plans to see me.

However, he never seems to have any money and I’m starting to wonder if he has latched onto me as he knows I’m financially comfortable. I own my own house and earn a good salary. He claims to earn good money but he still lives at home with his parents (we are mid 30s). About six weeks ago he told me we wouldn’t be able to go out much for the next few weeks as he has money problems he needs to sort out. I said that’s fine and on a couple of occasions we went out and I paid for dinner. The rest of the time he’s been coming to my house and we’ve just chilled out here but that has bothered me as I feel like there’s been no effort on his part, it’s as though he’s happy to come round, have dinner and sex and then he goes off to work the next morning. For context I live a ten min drive from his workplace whereas he has a 90 minute commute so I am seeing this as a red flag - it’s so convenient for him to come here and go to work the next day.

He does a lot of overtime at weekends and as a result, he’s not around much so I make plans to see my friends. For example, he told me he was booked in to do a night shift tonight so I’ve arranged to go out for drinks. When I told him this he seemed irritated and said: “well actually I was going to take you out for dinner but don’t worry about it.” Apparently his shift has been cancelled but didn’t think to tell me until I said I had made arrangements. This has happened a few times now where he’s said he’s unavailable then gets shirty if I say I’m doing something. I feel like he’s guilt tripping me and has no intention of taking me out, he’s just trying to make me feel bad.

This morning he has just told me that yet again he has an unexpected bill to pay and it’s going to be another month before he can afford to do anything with me. He’s clearly heavily in debt which I understand is a burden as I used to be in a similar situation but my gut is telling me he sees me as a meal ticket. He’s asked to drive my car on a couple of occasions and I’ve said no, he’s also asked if he can have my NowTv login details so he can watch programmes on his phone when he’s not with me (I said no) and he keeps asking if he can start leaving clothes and other stuff at mine. When we first met he said he was saving up to move into his own place, now he is saying he can’t afford it and will be staying with his parents for the forseeable - I’m guessing he is hoping to move in with me eventually. The thing that rankles is that he can find the money to pursue his hobbies and even book a weekend away with his friends but when it comes to me, he barely puts his hand in his pocket.

I would dearly love to settle down and have a family but i Just can’t see it happening with this guy. I’m not materialistic and am not looking for someone to take me to Michelin starred restaurants but it would be nice to occasionally go out and split the billl. I’ve suggested we go out and do something free like go for a nice walk and he seems keen but this never happens. It doesn’t help that he’s bragged about how much he has previously spent on luxury holidays and nights out with previous partners, I feel like I am getting crumbs in comparison. He says he feels embarrassed that I’ve had to pay for things but My gut is telling me I’m being a mug and I need to get out, would love some opinions please.

Thank you

OP posts:
Ryder63 · 08/04/2018 22:14

I feel work should be informed of the true situation. I take it ex knows where you work?

Original poster
BadApple1 · 08/04/2018 22:15

LimonViola the police haven’t said if he is known to them but I’m not sure this is something they can tell me?

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 08/04/2018 22:15

you tell your Boss you're reporting a Crime... Flowers

MadMags · 08/04/2018 22:15

Tell your boss a short version, if you’re uncomfortable going into details.

Say your ex turned threatening and the police are coming in the morning to take a statement.

I’m quite sure they’ll be understanding and accommodate you. Flowers

Ryder63 · 08/04/2018 22:16

You could find out by using Claire's law OP, if the police aren't forthcoming.

Original poster
BadApple1 · 08/04/2018 22:16

Thank you for the advice about what to tell work. Luckily he doesn’t know my company name, it’s something I didn’t divulge to him thank god. He knows what I do for a living but not my workplace.

OP posts:
ChinkChink · 08/04/2018 22:19

Tell your work someone tried to get into your residence and you needed to make a police report. Offer to make the time up if they're funny about it.

This is awful for you. When your safe space is threatened it's terribly frightening - I know from experience. But take heart that [as the police told me] these sort of people give up when they don't get a rise.

Hold on.

HeedMove · 08/04/2018 22:20

That escalated quickly. I'd just tell your boss about the harassment.

PatchworkElmer · 08/04/2018 22:30

BadApple, tell work the truth. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Flowers

SuperSkyRocketing · 08/04/2018 22:34

What PatchworkElmer said. Your boss will understand. Flowers

AtSea1979 · 08/04/2018 22:38

I can understand you not wanting to tell work. You can just tell them you need to deal with a personal matter. That should suffice for a one off lateness.
Police are too busy dealing with current assaults and burglaries etc that it takes a while to get seen. It’s so frustrating that it feels like they are waiting for something to happen before they respond. Prevention should be their priority too.

Timefortea99 · 08/04/2018 22:46

I would tell your boss the truth. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Daisymay2 · 08/04/2018 22:48

Bad Apple- is there any chance he has copied a key or did you give him one? Is it possible to change the locks before you go home? If you haven't already got a door chain it might be worth getting one fitted.
Its also worth work knowing as much as you want to share as you might be a bit jumpy over the next few days.
Well done for acting on your instincts. Bit shocked the brother has got involved...
Flowers

StrawberryLaces0 · 08/04/2018 23:04

Well done for listening to your guy and ending it. The right thing to do. He sounds just like my friend's ex. Had me wondering if it's the same person 🤔 but she felt the same that a weight had been lifted. Onwards and upwards x

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 08/04/2018 23:05

Yes, tell your boss and fill the report, your securitycomes first.

Knowing the police, they may show up st any time during the day or even three days later. If they have not been there by 10 call them again and offer to go to the police station to fill it there. Mind you, it may take a good few hours but it is important that you keep that paper trail going. You need it in case you need to get an injuction for him to stop contacting you.

trojanpony · 08/04/2018 23:09

Definitely file it tomorrow morning. I’d also explain a simple version to work and speak to HR and security so they are aware just in case.

I had to do this a few years ago I was dreading it but they were nice and it was an okay conversation. I said I didn’t want to go into details but I was being harassed. We agreed if anyone was asking for me fitting X description or who was Unknown, they would be informed I’m working a different office. Security also showed me alternate entrances and exits so I could mix up my routine. You’ll get through this Flowers Smile

trojanpony · 08/04/2018 23:11

Also angry people are surprisingly resourceful.
If he has your name he can look you up on LinkedIn easily probably so Double check security on all social media and lock it down temporarily.
Do consider talking to HR and security.

TM71 · 09/04/2018 00:03

There is a law called Jane's law whereby you have the right to find out whether your partner has any kind if criminal past.

TM71 · 09/04/2018 00:04

Don't forget to keep all messages.

Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 09/04/2018 00:16

Isn't it Clares Law ?? I'm not sure. What I do know tho OP, is that you will come out of this the other side. Please keep posting here, we're all behind you. As a pp said, he could be my ex as well. Scary to think how many men are capable of flipping like this

TM71 · 09/04/2018 00:18

That is it Clare's law. 😀

SparklyMagpie · 09/04/2018 08:00

Morning OP, how are you feeling this morning ?

LiteraryDevil · 09/04/2018 08:15

Ah, and there you have it: proof of why you should always listen to your gut! Well done OP! What a loser he was. So glad you saw through him. He's angry because you did and he's lost his free meal and shag ticket. If you haven't already then report him to the online dating site as abusive. I've done that in the past and they ban them from the site. I felt I needed to protect other women from him. Glad you've got someone there and don't be afraid to call the police if you are worried about your safety.

LiteraryDevil · 09/04/2018 08:37

Sorry, had missed all your updates regarding the police. Hope things settle down and that you're ok. Maybe turn off your voicemail? Although it's good evidence to have.

Original poster
BadApple1 · 09/04/2018 11:43

The police have been great and are contacting him today to tell him in no uncertain terms to leave me alone or he will be arrested. They have screenshots of my call logs and have listened to the voicemails.

I told my boss and he was very good about it all. Im just hoping this is the end of it now and I can put this ordeal behind me.

OP posts: