Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He’s using me isn’t he?

185 replies

BadApple1 · 07/04/2018 11:07

I met someone on OLD three months ago and I am having serious doubts about how genuine he is. He has been very keen from the get go, showering me with compliments and always wanting to make plans to see me.

However, he never seems to have any money and I’m starting to wonder if he has latched onto me as he knows I’m financially comfortable. I own my own house and earn a good salary. He claims to earn good money but he still lives at home with his parents (we are mid 30s). About six weeks ago he told me we wouldn’t be able to go out much for the next few weeks as he has money problems he needs to sort out. I said that’s fine and on a couple of occasions we went out and I paid for dinner. The rest of the time he’s been coming to my house and we’ve just chilled out here but that has bothered me as I feel like there’s been no effort on his part, it’s as though he’s happy to come round, have dinner and sex and then he goes off to work the next morning. For context I live a ten min drive from his workplace whereas he has a 90 minute commute so I am seeing this as a red flag - it’s so convenient for him to come here and go to work the next day.

He does a lot of overtime at weekends and as a result, he’s not around much so I make plans to see my friends. For example, he told me he was booked in to do a night shift tonight so I’ve arranged to go out for drinks. When I told him this he seemed irritated and said: “well actually I was going to take you out for dinner but don’t worry about it.” Apparently his shift has been cancelled but didn’t think to tell me until I said I had made arrangements. This has happened a few times now where he’s said he’s unavailable then gets shirty if I say I’m doing something. I feel like he’s guilt tripping me and has no intention of taking me out, he’s just trying to make me feel bad.

This morning he has just told me that yet again he has an unexpected bill to pay and it’s going to be another month before he can afford to do anything with me. He’s clearly heavily in debt which I understand is a burden as I used to be in a similar situation but my gut is telling me he sees me as a meal ticket. He’s asked to drive my car on a couple of occasions and I’ve said no, he’s also asked if he can have my NowTv login details so he can watch programmes on his phone when he’s not with me (I said no) and he keeps asking if he can start leaving clothes and other stuff at mine. When we first met he said he was saving up to move into his own place, now he is saying he can’t afford it and will be staying with his parents for the forseeable - I’m guessing he is hoping to move in with me eventually. The thing that rankles is that he can find the money to pursue his hobbies and even book a weekend away with his friends but when it comes to me, he barely puts his hand in his pocket.

I would dearly love to settle down and have a family but i Just can’t see it happening with this guy. I’m not materialistic and am not looking for someone to take me to Michelin starred restaurants but it would be nice to occasionally go out and split the billl. I’ve suggested we go out and do something free like go for a nice walk and he seems keen but this never happens. It doesn’t help that he’s bragged about how much he has previously spent on luxury holidays and nights out with previous partners, I feel like I am getting crumbs in comparison. He says he feels embarrassed that I’ve had to pay for things but My gut is telling me I’m being a mug and I need to get out, would love some opinions please.

Thank you

OP posts:
TanteRose · 07/04/2018 12:43

I'm going to repeat what PPs said - do NOT let him in.
Does he actually have stuff at your house?

silvernutgoldenpear · 07/04/2018 12:45

Well done for acting on your instincts.

His reaction to you going out without him is a huge red flag for controlling abusive arrseholes. I think you've dodged a bullet there.

If he makes you feel unsafe or refuses to leave you alone please don't hesitate to call the police.

LaContessaDiPlump · 07/04/2018 12:48

I’d respond once saying “you’ve left nothing here, and you’re not welcome on my property.”

^^This. Also, second the advice about being out when he arrives (or have several friends at your place). In fact that 2nd one might be better as he can name whatever random crap he apparently left, then he can have it and fuck off.

SuperSkyRocketing · 07/04/2018 12:48

OP don't be hard on yourself, it was only 3 months, I wouldn't class that as being taken in. A lot of people would've given him the benefit of the doubt for a lot longer and probably wouldn't have said no to him on so many occasions when he asked for stuff.

I'm really impressed by your decisiveness! Well done and stay safe.

silvernutgoldenpear · 07/04/2018 12:48

I feel like a wally for being taken in by such a chancer in the first place

Please don't think that - you're awesome!

It took me 3 years to see my ex for the abusive arsehole he was, and another 2 to get him out of my life.

The warning signs were there in the early days - if only I'd been more like you!

LaContessaDiPlump · 07/04/2018 12:48

Don't let him in though, obvs. Pass stuff out to him at the front door via a friend.

Original poster
BadApple1 · 07/04/2018 12:51

Instead of going out, my friend’s brother has come round to mine. Feel much safer being here with someone. No sign of wannabe cocklodger yet.

The only thing of his here is a half empty bottle of shower gel which hardly warrants a 90 minute trip to come and collect 😂This is shaping up to be a very bizarre Saturday!

Thank you again everyone for listening and supporting me Flowers

OP posts:
LaContessaDiPlump · 07/04/2018 12:53

You're very welcome op. He's so going to accuse you of shagging friend's brother though - you may need to warn the poor man Grin

Original poster
BadApple1 · 07/04/2018 12:53

super and silver thank you, you have made me feel a lot better

OP posts:
category12 · 07/04/2018 12:54

Hopefully he'll think better of spending the petrol money. Get that shower gel ready, tho. Grin

mrspicklepants27 · 07/04/2018 12:55

LISTEN TO YOUR GUT!! I had the same issue about 10 years ago now. Turns out he was a serial con man, by the end of it he'd stolen my credit/ debit cards (convinced me id lost them) and cleared me out.
My gut the whole time told me something wasn't right and I didn't listen. Such a traumatic time for me.
I'm not for a second saying that yours is a con man but what I'm saying is, you have a gut instinct for a reason, please listen to it.

GabriellaMontez · 07/04/2018 12:57

Lucky escape.

MadMags · 07/04/2018 12:58

Leave the shower gel on the path outside your garden.

I still think you should respond making it very clear that there’s nothing there and he isn’t welcome to come onto your property. Cover your bases.

bonnyshide · 07/04/2018 13:05

Well done for seeing him for what he is and swiftly ending it....if you had let it carry on in a years time you would've been starting a thread about your live in DP who lives with you rent free, eats all your food, drives your car and sulks when you go out with your friends. You dodged a bullet there!

I'd continue to ignore any attempts at communication, block every new email address and telephone number he uses. Don't engage with him, he will eventually lose momentum and stop bothering you.

They say you never really know someone until you've dumped them...true colours shining through here.

Good luck WineThanks

Sandunesandseashells · 07/04/2018 14:02

I wonder which part of today's behaviour he thinks will seduce you into changing your mind? Bombardment of texts or emails or turning up uninvited or verbal insults and accusations? The mind boggles.
So glad you have support from friends Flowers

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 07/04/2018 14:08

It is better not to communicate with him, but it is very important that you clearly spell to him that: you don’t want to be contacted ever again, that he is not welcome at your house and that if he doesn’t desist you will get the police involved.

Once you have texted that, whatever he does next can and should be counted as harassment/intimidation. (He will know that already, if he was like that with previous relationships, which is very very likely)

He is not behaving as a heartbroken puppy who wants to do amends to get back in your life. With so much anger, he is acting like a proper abuser intimidating you to submit or else. After 3 months, this is not only unreasonable but very worrying.

meowimacat · 07/04/2018 14:53

Wow well done on spotting that and getting it over and done with quickly.

There is nothing worse than feeling used by someone. I recently was, and yes when I ended it he also thought there must be someone else. Ugh. Block and move on.

SmileyBird · 07/04/2018 15:03

I would definitely contact him and say that his half a shower gel is in the bin and there is nothing to collect.

MadMags · 07/04/2018 15:26

The police recommended in a similar circumstance, that the victim make an attempt to explicitly state she didn’t want any more contact.

LifeinColour · 07/04/2018 15:27

Well done for getting rid! Hope he gets the hint and leaves you well alone xx

silvernutgoldenpear · 07/04/2018 15:50

The police recommended in a similar circumstance, that the victim make an attempt to explicitly state she didn’t want any more contact.

Yes I think that's right. For it to be seen as harassment by the law, it helps a lot if you've made it clear you don't want them to contact you.

If he carries on trying to contact you, chose a method of communication you know he'll get and you can keep a record of. (Email?).

Send him a message saying he's not to contact you again, if he does you will contact the police. Then block again.

And if you get so much as a peep out of him, really do go to the police. What he's doing is harassment.

minimalpatience · 07/04/2018 16:03

From what you've said, yes it does sound like he is using you. Who on earth asks for passwords to streaming and to drive someone's car after less than 3 months?! Sounds like a potential sponger.

Also, a normal reaction to you having made plans would have been to tell you to have a lovely time and that he would see you another day, not be pissy about it. If your place is 10 mins from work I bet he was planning on staying at yours.

minimalpatience · 07/04/2018 16:05

Sorry also meant to say sounds like you're doing well. Good luck going forward!!

PrimalLady · 07/04/2018 16:11

No no no go with your gut.

The guy I'm seeing and I both have money problems at the minute. Niether of us behave this way. We still make effort. For example bringing each other inexpensive but nice food treats. Cooking food at home. We both have pretty demanding lives at the moment. We both have three kids each. He has two jobs. So often the best thing he can give me is quiet time touching and cuddling someone who doesnt demand anything of me.

Lack of money is not a reason to make someone feel the way you describe.

Ellendegeneres · 07/04/2018 19:07

Wow seriously this one was all kinds of wrong. I hope you’re ok and he was bluffing about turning up to yours. Now tell us about the friends brother, is he single..? 😉