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Original poster

He’s using me isn’t he?

185 replies

BadApple1 · 07/04/2018 11:07

I met someone on OLD three months ago and I am having serious doubts about how genuine he is. He has been very keen from the get go, showering me with compliments and always wanting to make plans to see me.

However, he never seems to have any money and I’m starting to wonder if he has latched onto me as he knows I’m financially comfortable. I own my own house and earn a good salary. He claims to earn good money but he still lives at home with his parents (we are mid 30s). About six weeks ago he told me we wouldn’t be able to go out much for the next few weeks as he has money problems he needs to sort out. I said that’s fine and on a couple of occasions we went out and I paid for dinner. The rest of the time he’s been coming to my house and we’ve just chilled out here but that has bothered me as I feel like there’s been no effort on his part, it’s as though he’s happy to come round, have dinner and sex and then he goes off to work the next morning. For context I live a ten min drive from his workplace whereas he has a 90 minute commute so I am seeing this as a red flag - it’s so convenient for him to come here and go to work the next day.

He does a lot of overtime at weekends and as a result, he’s not around much so I make plans to see my friends. For example, he told me he was booked in to do a night shift tonight so I’ve arranged to go out for drinks. When I told him this he seemed irritated and said: “well actually I was going to take you out for dinner but don’t worry about it.” Apparently his shift has been cancelled but didn’t think to tell me until I said I had made arrangements. This has happened a few times now where he’s said he’s unavailable then gets shirty if I say I’m doing something. I feel like he’s guilt tripping me and has no intention of taking me out, he’s just trying to make me feel bad.

This morning he has just told me that yet again he has an unexpected bill to pay and it’s going to be another month before he can afford to do anything with me. He’s clearly heavily in debt which I understand is a burden as I used to be in a similar situation but my gut is telling me he sees me as a meal ticket. He’s asked to drive my car on a couple of occasions and I’ve said no, he’s also asked if he can have my NowTv login details so he can watch programmes on his phone when he’s not with me (I said no) and he keeps asking if he can start leaving clothes and other stuff at mine. When we first met he said he was saving up to move into his own place, now he is saying he can’t afford it and will be staying with his parents for the forseeable - I’m guessing he is hoping to move in with me eventually. The thing that rankles is that he can find the money to pursue his hobbies and even book a weekend away with his friends but when it comes to me, he barely puts his hand in his pocket.

I would dearly love to settle down and have a family but i Just can’t see it happening with this guy. I’m not materialistic and am not looking for someone to take me to Michelin starred restaurants but it would be nice to occasionally go out and split the billl. I’ve suggested we go out and do something free like go for a nice walk and he seems keen but this never happens. It doesn’t help that he’s bragged about how much he has previously spent on luxury holidays and nights out with previous partners, I feel like I am getting crumbs in comparison. He says he feels embarrassed that I’ve had to pay for things but My gut is telling me I’m being a mug and I need to get out, would love some opinions please.

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
BadApple1 · 07/04/2018 11:51

To add, I’m not answering his calls - I plan to ignore ignore ignore.

I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. The sick feeling I’ve had in my stomach for the last few weeks has completely gone. So relieved to have done this!

OP posts:
category12 · 07/04/2018 11:54

Well done, bullet dodged Flowers.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 07/04/2018 11:57

Good grief, it was bad enough to drop him as a hot potato before you ended it, but now, all that jealousy and weird controlling behaviour makes it even worse.

Be careful, he seems dangerous. You were spared a big one, Don’t pick up the phone (and lock the doors, his reaction to being dumped is NOT normal)

jedenfalls · 07/04/2018 11:59

The dinner thing is the worst.

Guilting you, trying to curtail your social life.

BIG RED FLAG

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 07/04/2018 11:59

Lol, he is a comedian! Calling you immature and childish when HE is living with mum and dad!! What an utter tool GrinGrin
Yes, yes to block and ignore - who needs his drama and accusations.

You are being truly inspirational op. Really hope this gives other women the incentive to get rid of sponging wankers Flowers

LaContessaDiPlump · 07/04/2018 12:05

Yay, real time dumpage!! Loving your work op Grin

Once he's got over the rage he will probably come crawling back promising to change; you're saving him a hell of a commute, after all. Do not waver!

letsdolunch321 · 07/04/2018 12:07

Well done Flowers

He is probably pissed off that you saw through his ability to part with money. . You are well rid of him.

RandomMess · 07/04/2018 12:09

Well done!! What a complete arse accusing you of having someone else he clearly believes himself such a catch that you wouldn't possibly ditch him without someone else to run too!!!

Onwards and upwards Thanks

Sandunesandseashells · 07/04/2018 12:11

So he truly believes the only reason you would dump him is that you met someone else? Wow. He thinks he's a keeper because he eats sleeps and shags at your place once or twice a week and you must be 100% satisfied -grateful- with that, right? Narcissistic mcp - well done op on getting rid.

Rainbowqueeen · 07/04/2018 12:14

Well done OP, having good boundaries and the guts to stand by them will serve you well.

Hope the harassment stops soon, if not call the police.

DropItLikeASquat · 07/04/2018 12:16

I would say that you have dodged a bullet but it sounds more like you've dodged a bloody grenade! well done for dumping his sorry ass! you clearly deserve wayyyyyyy better than mr looser. x

TM71 · 07/04/2018 12:16

Good for you Apple!

alpacawhacker · 07/04/2018 12:16

You have had a lucky escape!! My face is like this. Shock

Original poster
BadApple1 · 07/04/2018 12:27

Thank you so much for the lovely replies. I really appreciate the support.

He’s been leaving voicemails but I’m not listening to them. He has just emailed me from an unknown email address (presumably he’s made a new one as he knows I will have blocked his usual one) to say he’s left things at my house (he hasn’t, there’s nothing of his here) and he will be round soon. I’m quite scared to be honest. He seems extremely angry. I’m going to drive to a friend’s house now so I’m out of the way when he turns up.

What an absolute headcase this one has turned out to be 😞

OP posts:
category12 · 07/04/2018 12:29

Yes, go out and when you come back, have the friend with you.

MadMags · 07/04/2018 12:31

Thank fuck you ended it now!

I’d respond once saying “you’ve left nothing here, and you’re not welcome on my property.”

But I’d still go to a friend’s if you’re worried.

Lookatyourwatchnow · 07/04/2018 12:33

Well done OP! I love a happy ending. You sound strong as fuck

Petalflowers · 07/04/2018 12:35

Well done. You’ve definantly done the right thing. His response proves it. Stay safe.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 07/04/2018 12:35

It would be entirely reasonable to call the police. Tell them you've broken up with your boyfriend, he won't accept it, has got extremely angry and has said he's coming round to your place and you are scared.

Me, I'd stay put and call the police if he starts ranting or banging on the door. I wouldn't engage or open the door of course.

FlexTimeCheekyFucker · 07/04/2018 12:36

I hope he doesn't have a key OP. And that you can do something nice with a friend this weekend.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 07/04/2018 12:36

You've made the right decision. I'd email him back and say he's left nothing at yours and you've informed the police and they are on high alert for him calling around causing trouble. If he continues I'd call his parents and tell them to tell him to back the fuck off.

Iloveacurry · 07/04/2018 12:38

Sounds like you had a lucky escape. Take care of yourself.

Original poster
BadApple1 · 07/04/2018 12:40

Thank you look I don’t feel very strong to be honest, I feel like a wally for being taken in by such a chancer in the first place

OP posts:
TalkFastThinkSlow · 07/04/2018 12:41

OP, I'm so glad to see that you've dumped him.

Take care of yourself. Do not let him into the house. Tell.him you'll post it, or arrange to have a friend over at an agreed time. If he's acting like that over the phone, I imagine he'll be ten times worse in person!

TM71 · 07/04/2018 12:41

Ask a friend of yours there. Make sure he takes everything and gives back your keys, do not let him be in your house on his own.