Husband has left. I'm so heartbroken

[PhonixK]

Hiya I don't know where to start. I'm new to all this so don't know abbreviations so hang in there please.

My husband left me 4 weeks ago. He's totally changed in the past few months. Snapping at kids easily and stressing out quickly. He has no patience with anything and struggles to concentrate on anything. He's also been finding it hard to sleep.

His job took him away April last year for 6 months and when he came home he was the man that I describe above. In the 5 months he's been home he's had to go away for roughly 8 weeks but it's been broken up across them months.

Things haven't been great, we've been arguing and gone through a rough patch and everything was sorted or so I thought.

4 weeks ago (a day before he's away again for 2 weeks) he tells me it's completely over and that when he comes back he will move out. I was heartbroken completely devastated. The kids (4,6 and 12) kept saying they were so excited for daddy coming home and I would just want to cry for them.

I suppose I was hopeful that he would have time to himself in the 2 weeks and sort his head and realise what he was throwing away. No such luck though. He came home and told the kids he had to sleep at work but he would see them all the time.

The kids are very close to him so I didn't want to say well no you can't see them everyday. So I've let him get on with it and tried a few times to talk to him but he just storms out and tells me I'm stressing him out and he hates being here.

I keep my mouth shut now. I've asked if counselling will help, he doesn't want to try because he's happy now so knows he's made the right choice even if it doesn't suit me.

I've cried, I've fought, I've been angry, I've been happy.

The only emotion I show is happy to him. I don't want him seeing how much he's broke me. We've been together for 11 years. Met when were 18 and 19 and been through so much together. I just don't understand how a man (a good man) can just up and leave his family. It's not like he's out every night drinking or partying with his friends. He sat in his tiny room with a laptop and hard drive and is happier?

We still talk and aslong as I don't bring us up we get on well. Money is sorted and we have sorted him visiting the kids kind of. He has no where to keep them over night so when he does I'll go to my mum's and he will stay at mine with the kids until he sorts something.

I want him back but I really believe he may need some help. I've spoke to his mum who is so shocked she can't believe any of this is happening and thinks he's maybe having a breakdown or something.

Sorry for the long essay but I'm struggling. Yesterday was a bad day. Today I'm ok, have a night at my friends at an ann summers party so looking forward to that.

Please tell me things get easier and i wont always feel like my life is all over the place.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through OP. I've been there myself and it's horrible.

I know you might not want to consider this, but is it possible he is currently seeing someone else?

I wonder whether you are being too nice? It sounds about time you laid a few ground rules like if he is to see the children properly he needs his own place. You shouldnt be moving out for the night to enable his contact. He should be paying maintenance. Perhaps he doesnt know whaat hes losing because he hasnt lost anything yet. Instead of thinking about him how about thinking about yourself and moving forward? Change can sometimes be for the good. You can want him back all you like but that won't change his decision. It sounds as though he had a lot of time on his own and decided he liked being single, or he has met someone else. Sorry to be blunt. It will get better.

Sorry to suggest this, but it sounds like the old cliché and he's met someone else.
My ex was like this when my mum was dying and I thought it was that that was causing the weird moodiness but no, it was the excitement of an affair with a foreign girl he met at work.
The first days were the hardest and the first year was full of ups and downs but then once all the money/house was sorted it got much easier and without intending to look, I met my lovely DH who is 1000 times better than my ex.
I kept the mantra 'everything changes' in my head during the worst times, because it's true.

He's in the military and pays my rent straight out his wages so we are using that as a maintenance type thing until I move in to my own place (in military housing) he's living in a room at work and can't take the kids there. I'd rather not have to go somewhere else but this will be the first and last time I do it.

I have thought about someone else being involved and this might sound very nieve of me but he's always been honest and he hates guilt and wouldn't be able to keep it in. Saying that maybe he doesn't care and because he doesn't care he doesn't feel guilty so wouldn't tell me.

I've straight out asked him and he said there's no one else and it's not something he's even thinking about he's just unhappy and stressed at home. He doesn't love me like he used to and the way a husband should a wife.

(If these don't go into paragraphs sorry, doesn't seem to be working)

Oh bless you. I have got the t-shirt and it is horrible, you go through every emotion and try every tack to persuade them to stay. Only when I read things on here did I realise I was doing the "pick me dance" . If he has made up his mind you won't change it and there will be someone else, so brace yourself .
At the moment it will literally feel like your heart is breaking into a million pieces and I knows it is so hard not to just fall apart. It will get better - not for a while - but it definitely will. I'm 7 years on and life is lovely and has been for several years.

I'm sorry, but I think he has met someone else (maybe someone in another country if he's on his laptop all the time) and he feels bad about what he's doing and that's why he's being so horrible to you.

Similar happened to me years ago and it really helped me when I stopped being so nice and reasonable.
You also cannot get over him if he is so involved in your life stil, you need minimal contact to heal.

Fuck him! One of the downsides of walking out on your family is that you are inconvenienced and he isn't!

Tell him he needs to make arrangements to see his kids and if he's nowhere to have them overnight that's not your problem.
I allowed mine to stay over to see kids and it really upset me and prevented me from moving on.

You are already stronger than you realise by remaining calm and not begging etc. So just decide what is best for you and the children and enforce it.

You will be fine in a few months I promise x

So sorry you are going through this op. Holding it together for the DC must be really hard

I'm sorry to say this - and I sincerely hope I am wrong - but unless he is going through some sort of mh crisis - then I wouldn't necessarily believe him about the ow. Especially when his behaviour changed so dramatically after six months away. Having said that, I know relationships in the military are difficult to maintain sometimes.

In your shoes though, I would be doing a bit of Sherlocking and getting financial affairs etc in order. Read other threads on here that refer to "the script".

Wishing you all the best.

"This might sound very nieve of me but he's always been honest and he hates guilt and wouldn't be able to keep it in. Saying that maybe he doesn't care and because he doesn't care he doesn't feel guilty so wouldn't tell me.

I've straight out asked him and he said there's no one else and it's not something he's even thinking about he's just unhappy and stressed at home. He doesn't love me like he used to and the way a husband should a wife."

Sorry to say this OP but this is exactly what I thought of my husband and exactly what he said to me constantly during his 6-week affair.

So sorry you're going through this...
He can have the children at the welfare house, that's what it's there for. He just needs to speak to the regiments welfare office. Absolutely no reason for you to have to stay elsewhere while he's in the house with your kids.

It does sound like he's met someone else.

Also, do you think it could be depression/ptsd?
My DH has finally been diagnosed after 14 years of 'soldiering on'. It sounds a lot like the kind of thing he would do, totally out of the blue, when he was in a bad place with his mental health.
He'd totally withdraw, sit and play on his phone and totally ignore everything going on around him. I think if he'd had the option to move into the block he would have done.
He often felt that he didn't love me anymore... when in actual fact, he'd just become numb to all emotion and feelings.
Have you spoken to the welfare team? They may be able to help with some mediation, or at least support for you and the children

Yes i think he's depressed and instead of letting me help he's pushing me away. He's not had time to settle back into family life.

I 100% believe there's not someone else.

I haven't spoken to welfare I'm worried it will make things worse for him. I'd like to add the during the past year he's been promoted been away for 6 months, moved house and been on courses. He's had a lot thrown at him at work and hasn't had time for family.

I do believe it's depression and even though he thinks he's better now because he's in the block it's not. You can see the stress on his face when he's here and his eyes are just glassy and empty. He was the funniest man always laughing and joking and it's gone. He's not him

Oh I really do feel for you😔
Like I said, it took 14 years before my husband finally got a diagnosis of severe depression and ptsd.
Most of that time he was in denial that anything was wrong.
The problem is though, you can only help someone who wants your help.

Well he came round today and I tried to talk to him he called me an arsehole slammed the doors and told me he isn't depressed it's me that stresses him out. He calmed down and tried talking to me. I noticed he's took his wedding ring off.

I think I'm done now. I can't be treated like that and I deserve better.

You are doing so very well. Stay strong and get real life support around you. You are in the military. Welfare will help you.

Regardless if he is having Mlc or there is someone else time to get tough.

I made the mistake of being there and being supportive etc hoping he would see what he is missing. It cost me £££ and nothing changed. He was using me.

If he sees the kids he takes them out. I have found the best course of action is to communicate the best minimum. But that was for self preservation.

Get legal advice. Get your affairs in order so you know where you stand. Talk to people it really helps to off load. I hope your situation swings round. But it is best to be prepared for the worst case.

Look after yourself

Sorry OP but he won’t realise what he’s lost/losing until you stand up to him and make it not as easy for him. Go see a solicitor and start making him accountable for his behaviour and decisions. Stop talking to him about him. Start blanking him. Bare minimum. Stop him coming to the house. He is disrespecting you and probably sleeping with somebody else so time to toughen up and make him work to be a part of the family

Eve I think I read a thread you were on last night? Could be wrong but it was from 2009. I apologise if it wasn't lol.

I'm trying to be strong but it's the unknown. It would have been easier if I were in my own house but being in military housing and knowing that I have to move and start again scares me. Although it's a good thing because it's a fresh start.

Can you tell my head is all over the place?

Yes, you have been incredibly supportive in the circumstances op, but you don't have to put up with being treated like that.

I think you need to tell your DH that he has his wish, you won't tolerate being treated so shoddily, withdraw, be cold and detached and insist that he sees the DC elsewhere from now on. Protect yourself.

Thank you everyone. I told him he needs to find somewhere else to see the kids. He can have tonight at mine but that's it.

I'm going to stop talking about us to him cos there's no point in it. He's made his choice and I just need to focus on me

Sorry, X post. "Yes" was in agreement to pp, not to your head being all over the place (understandable if it is though!).

X post again. Definitely a good strategy to look after yourself op. He is not exactly acting considerately after all and your DC need you to be strong (not easy I am sure).

I'm so sorry op but he isn't depressed and he has met someone else. His behaviour has all the hallmarks of it. You'd be surprised what people will say versus their actual actions. He may say the right things but his head has been turned and he's now thinking with his dick, not his head. It's bloody awful and it hurts but you really need to start coming to terms with the idea of the relationship being over. I know you think he's a good man and maybe he once was but he isn't any more. He's an arsehole who's screwed you and the kids over. Stop being nice and accommodating to him and start being tough and putting yourself first.

I'm not sure all the speculating about whether there us someone else is helpful - he has made his mind up to leave, and what else he gets up to now, aside from seeing his DCs, is something the OP should be moving toward now, for her own sake, not trying to play detective.
I'm really sorry OP - given that he is military, is there any chance he has suffered some sort of PTSD, and is depressed? You might persuade him to seek counselling on the basis that his moodiness is not great for his DCs, rather than for his own, or your sake?
There's an outside chance, if it is that, that he may return more to his old self with help, but I think for now you should proceed on the assumption that its over, and focus on your self and the DCs.

Was the 6 months a tour? My DH has combat PTSD and shows similar behaviours.

If he was on tour then you do need to contact welfare.